Echoes
by MaeMay
Summary: New Moon: After Bella leaves for Italy to save Edward, she never returns. The pack thinks she was killed, so two years later when she returns, where has she been? How have Charlie and Jacob dealt? Will they understand her intentions?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: __For a more detailed summary, this story takes place two years after New Moon. When Bella left Forks and Jacob behind to go after Edward in Italy and save him from the Volturi, she never returned. Charlie still has his hopes that his daughter is still alive, even though no one has received even a phone call or a letter after her disappearance. The Pack in La Push came to a tough realization that she must be dead. What else could have happened when she went to those evil, carnivorous vampires? This will be a very tortured story. It will be rated M 'cause I'm vulgar and there may be a mature scene or two. I'm taking a stab at Bella's POV. _

_Overview: Bella is 20, Jake is 19(it's summer, slowly nearing Bella's big 21), you will not know what happened to Bella with the Cullens/Volturi for some time. It will be drawn out. Yes, she is still HUMAN. _

_Oh, and a disclaimer: Steph. Meyer owns the characters. I'm making no profit or whatever from this. _

_Warning: ANGST. Rated M for mature themes and the occasional f-bomb._

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Ch. 1 "Return"

Leaving was easier than returning. Simple words, simple statement.

Leaving allowed me to block all thoughts and reminders enchanting me to leave and turn my back, yet capturing a piece of my heart and never relinquishing it. It was palpable, easier to digest as my mind continually bickerd and encouraged that I did the right thing, to leave behind my home. To leave behind the people that made up my home, the space that encloses it in familiarity.

Leaving was easier than returning because of that trigger our brains can do; to block and seal away the memories, never having to think about them.

Returning…well, returning took courage. I couldn't just expect my mind to go into its 'shut off' mode and not think about the pain I directly caused, because even at the thought of returning it all comes flooding down, knocking the air out of me while simultaneously mocking me. Because returning didn't mean hiding any longer or having the option of a fake alias, it meant facing the place my demons came from, and more importantly it meant forgiveness.

This pep talk wasn't doing much pep. Or much of anything else, really.

_You wouldn't be in this position if you only came back in the first place…_

Ah, I was wondering my sub-conscience had disappeared off to throughout my six hour drive from Sandpoint, Idaho to the very grim looking Forks.

"_What are you runnin' from, little lady?" Lance, the man who graciously let me rent out a small, rusty old apartment for low rent had inquired earlier in the morning when I packed three bags into my car with the intent on leaving, running._

"_More like what am I running back to…"_

Was that what I was doing? Running back? Retreating to a safer world I'd demolished exactly two and a half years ago? Was I ready? Of course I wasn't. I'd never be truly ready to face those I loved after two years of silence, on my end.

Yet more importantly, I wasn't really living. I worked forty five hours a week at a local café, came home – no, it was never really home – to an empty apartment with empty feelings. Lather and repeat.

But that was what I was for most of the time. Just empty. I would admit my selfishness, my own stupidity and just how I downright screwed up. But I couldn't think back to those months – years – that left me in a stupor as I passed the _Welcome to Forks_ signed pinned at the side of the road. The same one I passed three years ago on my dreaded arrival here from the sunny Phoenix.

It was all too overwhelming as I drove with uncertain ease down Central St. The roads, the buildings, the stores…nothing had changed. Except me. _Except me_. What was I thinking? I couldn't come back here, I couldn't risk it. My breaths came in rigid breaths close to hyperventilating as the roads started winding slowly down the streets in the suburbs where my home – my real, warm home – resided. Oh God, how I missed it… I dreamed about this. Dreamed and dreamed. Yet in my dreams I didn't imagine my hands shaking, palms sweating, heart stammering into overdrive…

With ample and glazed over eyes I took in sight of the white, two story home. The once cracked and paled color had been repainted a new shade of off white, and the front door was now a dark black instead of its musky brown. The lawn looked more organized; less weeds, more care, and even a garden. When had Charlie – my simplistic father – done this?

My orange, Chevy truck sitting near the side of the house surprised me. Who it reminded me of – the memories it reminded me of – sent tears streaming down my cheeks. I had to suppress the sobs with a hand over my mouth as parked my Jeep Cherokee in the spot I would have normally once parked my truck on any other given day, if things hadn't all changed the day I cliff dived and Harry Clearwater was pronounced dead.

My forehead rested on the steering wheel, the sudden rush of tears and nausea catching me off guard. The tears, the weakness, I grew to accept. Crying myself to sleep each night for two years was the only aching reminder, and yet it was comforting. The only sort of comfort I could find.

Minutes ticked on. My mind was screaming negative profanities; I made it two years – barely – I can't retreat now. But my heart…my heart that's so bruised and badly broken felt the first signs of life since that night…

My eyes clenched closed.

_You made your decision when you left Sandpoint. This is it…this is what you need…_

In three swift movements I had stumbled out into the misty rain with one bag in hand. A smile formed my lips at the feel of the rain. The rain and wetness I once despised now felt more incredible than ever. I laughed in vain attempt to ease my own mood, my own nerves and the voice ringing in the back of my head…_dangerdangerdanger_.

No longer would I succumb to these fears that kept me alienated for two years.

It was a quiet and calm early day in June.

Somehow I found myself already standing in front of the freshly painted black door, my shaky fist tapping lightly on it.

No answer.

I looked down at the keys in my hand. The first silver and black one was to my car, the next a small gold one to the mailbox I wouldn't be using anymore, and the final key…a small silver, nimble key I kept over the years after Charlie had given it to me. I trailed a finger over the contours of the metal then hesitantly slid it into the keyhole on the doorknob. I stared down at my hand, slowly twisting the key until the door clicked open. My knees quivered as I stepped inside, bracing myself against the nearest wall as I dropped my bag to the floor.

Everything smelt, looked, and felt the same. Gliding my fingers along the wall, I walked down the hallway which led into the kitchen and the living room on the opposite side. My eyes took in every square inch they could find. It looked…clean, and smelled of orange and melon fabreeze. My wobbly legs moved me into the kitchen, where I continued to brush the tips of my fingers over the counters. Feeling and memorizing the texture…

On the counter were stacks of bills and envelopes, next to two coffee mugs…one with a lipstick stain.

What? How? Who?

My scattered thoughts were cut short by the front door reopening, the sound of heels clicking along the tile causing me to quickly turn around and grab hold of the counter for leverage. My very confused, frightened and questioning expression was reflected on the woman's face in her mid thirties, standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

My heart skipped a beat. Did…did my dad move? No…where was he? I needed him. I needed this.

Suddenly tears streaked down the woman's face. She was Quileute, with long brown, curly hair and hazel eyes. Tears? Why tears?

"Bella?" The woman asked in a soft voice, one of her hands resting over her heart. Before I knew it her arms were wrapped around me in a hug. I was too stunned, too shell shocked to even move.

"I'm…I'm sorry…I don't know who you are…" I fumbled, my voice far too weak and scratchy to even show emotion.

The woman pulled back, an apologetic frown forming on her lips before she was smiling and running a hand through my hair which fell in waves down to my waist.

"Oh dear, I'm very sorry…I should have introduced myself. But…I'm just so…so…shocked. My name is Ali Akkins, I'm Collin's mom."

"Collin?" I would have stormed out of the house, thinking Charlie had moved if this woman hadn't broken done in tears and knew who I was.

"He's my son, he hangs around with all the boys in La Push…I knew you used to be good friends with them…" she trailed off as the expression on my face didn't change from anything but _huh_?

"Wh-where's Charlie? Why are you here?" I gasped out, my frantic eyes searching around the house.

"Oh, darling…your father's at work… I should call him…after all these years of searching, oh my. He'll be so relieved…I can't believe this…" Tears continued to fall down her face as Ali made her way towards the phone, still on the same wall near the fridge.

I was hit with the memory of the last night I was in town, in my home…standing pushed up against the counter, Jacob's breath on my lips, his body on mine as the phone rang, interrupting…

"Charlie!" I was drawn back into reality, my own tears now swimming down my cheeks as Ali spoke into the phone.

"Honey, you'll never believe this…I came home and Bella-" I tuned out the rest of what she said. Honey? Was my dad…married? Something rolled in my stomach, shaking my body as I rushed to the sink, nausea sending up heaves from nerves, from the overwhelming presence of being here, from the memories, from the news, from my mistakes. The little food in my stomach left me choking up dry heaves. My ears began to ring as I felt hands on my shoulders, holding back my hair with one as the other gently rubbed my back.

Minutes passed after the waves of gagging settled, and minutes continued to drag on as I stood there, hunched over the sink. At one point I was handed a cup of water which I graciously accepted, swallowing down the elixir that forced away my cotton mouth and relieved my clenching stomach. Five more minutes ticked by as my head swarmed with all the memories of this town that I'd locked away when I left(thanks to the ever sufficient 'blocking' of my brain); Charlie, school, La Push, the pack, Billy, _Jacob_, life…

"Bella?" Ali softly asked, politely encouraging me to turn around and face her. My skin burned from a fever, my face felt pasty and dampened with sweat, and my eyes held a million secrets as I met the almond shaped eyes of my…stepmother?

The sound of me swallowing noisily echoed in the too quiet room.

"Maybe you should sit down and rest, sweetie. Your father should be here any minute now…" I bowed my head, having no words to say to this woman. Everything was spinning too fast, out of control.

Her offer was taken once my knees buckled and I sunk into the nearest stool surrounding the lone isle in the center of the kitchen.

"A-are you alright, Bella? You seem frightened…"

My head sunk into my hands before they pushed through my hair, pulling tightly in an attempt to steer the pain away from the hole resurfacing in my chest like a faint scab.

The door slammed open with a loud bang, causing me to jump from the sudden and out of place noise. My eyes sought the doorway, where a very disgruntled and shaken Charlie stood, suited in his police uniform with a few grey hairs tinting his beard and the auburn hair on his head. The next second I was tripping into his arms, tears of pure joy building in the corners of my eyes as I felt Charlie's own tears fall onto the top of my head.

I don't know how long we stood there, me grasping on for dear life until Charlie pulled back, still with his arms around me, his eyes rimmed with tears and his expression going completely blank and pale. My lips parted, the expression on his face showing as if he'd just seen a ghost.

No questions were asked after that. Only murmurs of disbelief, of awe, of love and fear were spoken.

Faintly I heard, "I knew it, I knew it…I knew you were alive," being repeated into the crown of my head.

Charlie and Ali had mutually agreed to let me go shower and relax, and then come down for lunch and to talk. Though neither said it, there would also be an interrogation, but we all needed time for contemplation, for realization. Charlie deserved answers. Ali, whoever she was, made me feel unsettled. She cried at the mere sight of me, yet I'd never met her or even seen her before.

Where had this come from?

I took their offer and ran. I stood underneath the showerhead, the heat all the way up. I continued to stand there until the water ran cold, which I let cease my flustered and red stained body before I shivered my way into my old room.

Everything was the same. The desk, my computer, the drawers on my dresser still slightly open, my closet bombarded by clothes and shoes…I took a closer look at the wall behind my dresser, looking over the pictures of my family, of my friends that were smiling back at me. And I smiled. It reached my eyes, my whole being. The picture of Renee and Charlie holding me as a baby, a picture of my dad and me on my eighteenth birthday, a picture of Billy and Jacob out on the rez…

I noticed someone had dropped off the three bags from my car on the floor in the room. I ignored them and began digging through the drawers filled with my old clothes. The day I left for Italy, I only pack a small backpack with a change of clothes and my wallet. Nothing else.

A smile danced on my lips the whole time as I pulled on the grey sweats I used to wear to sleep almost every night, followed by a black tank top and a simple black cardigan pulled over it for extra warmth. Then I fell on my bed, curling on my side and soaking in the familiarity. Sleep tugged at me, but I wouldn't suffice. I had just gotten home, I had just gotten back. Sleeping was the last thing I wanted.

Slowly I crept down the squeaking staircase, holding onto the guardrail for support. Once in the kitchen I caught sight of Charlie and Ali sitting at the table, a sandwich in front of each of them and one left at an empty seat for me, with a mug of what smelled to be passion tea. Gingerly, I took my seat, sipping down the scorching tea eagerly.

"Bella," Charlie started slowly, reaching over to lightly squeeze my arm, "Honey, where have you been these past two years? I…I thought you were dead…I-I could sense that you weren't but…but…where—?" His voice cracked as Ali soothingly rubbed his upper arm.

The guilt I already felt multiplied into a gazillion. I wiped away the lone tear that spilled over, "Dad…" I mumbled apologetically, taking his hand in mine to gently squeeze it, "I know I owe you an explanation…but can we just…talk about it later?" Truth, how could I explain to him my intentions that related to vampires? I needed time to think over a proper explanation.

He wasn't having any of it, "Were you with those Cullens, young lady?" Though his voice has slightly risen, it held no sign of anger. Only hurt. Which stung worse.

"For four months I was," I whispered, hanging my head to stare at steam rising from the tea in my trembling hand.

Charlie let out a rigid sigh, "Why didn't you call, or write? Or let me and your mother know your were alive and safe? All you left me with was a letter. Isabella, I've been searching for you ever since you left, everyday. Your mother has barely survived these past two years! Not to mention Billy and Jacob, and the rest of those kids down in La Push! We all thought the worst…" He choked back a sob as he held tighter onto my hand while Ali occupied the other, creating a broken triangle.

I winced at his words, finding none of my own. I felt like someone had sucked the air straight from my lungs and sent a cheap shot straight at my heart and gut.

Charlie still had much more to say, "And you were with those fucking Cullens? Did they make you do this? I tried calling them, Carlisle said he had no idea that you were missing! But you Jake told me you left with Alice, so I know that's where you were. They could have killed you!"

I flashed my eyes to meet his. What? My mind was so boggled, "A lot has changed over the years, Bells."

"Clearly," I muttered, looking from him to Ali.

"Look, after you left things were bad for me…" His lips twitched, "I met Ali almost a year and a half ago, and her son Collin. I found out all about those vampires, the Cullen's, and about the pack in La Push."

My eyes bulged from my head.

"I went out to Ali's house one day in La Push, and Collin was there and he phased right in front of me for the first time. Ever since then Billy's and the council have told me all about the wolves and those goddamn Cullens. They also said you knew all about this?" I slowly, cautiously nodded my head, "You knew about them, and still ran off with them? I went crazy, thinking they killed you! Every time I went to go find the Cullens, they were always gone; moved someplace else. Last I found out was that they were in South America. Is that where you've been?" He was seething now.

My head shook from side to side, "No, no…I just told you I only stayed with them for four months, Charlie. I've been living in Idaho…" I didn't allow my eyes to meet his. Did this Ali chick have to be here for all of this? And the fact that my dad knew about all this folklore, about the pack and the vampires, was somehow daunting. I still had no intention of telling him where I was, why I was there, even though the concept would be better understood since I didn't have to lie about the Volturi and the Cullens.

Yet still, I wasn't prepared for that.

"Dad, please…can we talk about this tomorrow? It'll be too much for either of us to bear right now…I'm fine, I'm here…and I'm so sorry…" I willed myself to look him straight in the eye as I pushed a hand through my still wet hair.

Charlie rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a defeated sigh. I leaned across the table in my seat to place a chaste kiss to his forehead, hoping somehow that he would let it go. For now. Nothing was ever simple with Charlie, the chief of police.

"I guess you're right, honey. I'm just so overwhelmed…and fucking happy that you're here." I gave him a half smile which he gratefully returned, taking a bite from his sandwich.

"Let's just enjoy this reunion right now and talk later…" he finished.

My gaze flickered between him and Ali's laced fingers. The questioning look on my face didn't go unnoticed, "So…?"

Charlie cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably, "We're recently engaged, Bella. I proposed last month," I nodded my head slowly, registering the information. Ali lifted her left hand so I could catch a small glimpse of her ring finger, where a sterling silver ring with a medium sized diamond was perched.

I tried my best to muster up a smile. I was still thrown a surprise, yet weren't we all. "Sorry about…earlier," I mumbled awkwardly to Ali.

"No need to apologize, sweetie. You had no idea who I was," she gave me a smile before pointing to my tea, "There's chamomile in there, hopefully it will help your stomach settle."

"Thanks," I replied awkwardly, taking another sip as things calmed around the table.

After a few minutes of silence, the question on my mind began eating at me. I started simple, "How's Billy doing?"

"Oh, he's doing great. He's been seeing Sue for a while now, they seem happy," My dad's smile radiated.

"Sue Clearwater?" I gaped.

"Yep. After Harry's death they become real close."

I processed the information, suddenly moving into my next, more important question, "And how's…Jacob?" My voice cracked at his name as my fingers clenched around the mug still settled in my hands.

Charlie's eyes softened as he looked towards me, aware of our history, and probably also aware of how much pain I caused him.

"The kid's doin' good. He graduated high school a few weeks ago a year late. I think he plans on opening a mechanic shop maybe, he didn't mention going off to college…guess none of the kids are since their duties to the pack and everything."

The last statement caught me off guard. I'd have to get used to that, "Sure, sure." I instantly clamped my lips shut into a thin line as the very Jacob comment slipped past my lips. I back peddled quickly, "So…you mentioned that Collin is part of the…" Luckily I didn't have to finish my sentence for Ali to realize what I was talking about. It still felt awkward, with Charlie sitting there acting as if it was not a big deal.

"He was one of the last ones to phase. I'm part of the council, I knew he was bound to at one point…he was only 14 at the time, he's 16 now. There are ten of them now, altogether."

My jaw dropped, "W-who?"

"Well, there's Sam, Quil, Jared, Paul, Jacob, Embry, Seth, Leah, Collin and Brady."

"Sue's kids?"

Charlie's head nodded, "Yeah, surprising huh?"

I took small bites from the sandwich, hesitant to test my stomach which could turn its back on me at any second. Things continued in silence for another few minutes.

"Dad?" Charlie glanced up at me from his own meal, "Do you think I could…head down to La Push? I know you probably don't want me leaving when I just got back but…I just need to…" I bit my lip, not being able to finish my sentence, which Charlie seemed to have understood.

"Well, as much as I'd like to ground you, I do realize you are almost 21 and can do as you please. But, since you're back in my house, there will be stipulations unless you decide to get a place of your own. I'm not going to keep you from going to La Push, only because I know how much Jacob and Billy have worried over you. I'm letting you go for their sake and not for yours. But I want you home early. We still have a lot to talk about tomorrow," He reminded.

After I graciously thanked him, I caught a glance of something on both my dad's and Ali's features. As if they were holding back on saying something, they way their lips twitched and how they gave each other the same, weary look. I couldn't muster up the courage to ask.

Instead, after changing into a pair of jeans, I made my way to La Push with a bundle of nerves and fear plaguing my body each second I got closer.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2 "Sensible Heart"

By the time I stumbled down the porch steps and into my car to rev the engine, Charlie had chased me down, motioning me to lower the window.

Nimbly I did as he requested, all the while my heart continuing to pound in my chest. From nerves, excitement or fear, I wasn't sure. But the look on Charlie's face was only adding to my anxiety. Was he stopping me? Was there something he needed to warn me about?

"What's up, Dad?" I asked cautiously, watching the internal struggle take place across his features. He let out a few mumbled curses under his breath before stepping closer to the window.

"Look Bells, I couldn't let you head down to La Push without first warning you…" My throat and chest tightened, "When you left honey and never returned, Jake didn't handle it too well…he ran away for a little while, thinking you were dead and that somehow it was his fault. When he came back, he got into some bad things. Drugs, mostly. He dropped out of school for awhile there, but he's gotten back on track. He's been doing better as of recently. I'm not sure how he'll react to seeing you, what it might trigger in him. He's always been like a son to me, you know that…but we grew closer when we thought we lost you, and I don't want to see him go back to those dark places. So, maybe you should just stop by and see Billy, I'm sure he'll pass the message that you're back along to Jake. Just take it easy on the kid."

Charlie must have noticed the sudden paling of my face and the pained expression in my eyes because he reached in to gently squeeze my shoulder and place a kiss to my forehead, "Take my advice, just go see Billy. For today." He turned to leave and head back inside after giving me an apologetic half smile.

"Hey dad?" He turned back to face me, "I love you," I softly whispered, feeling the need to right my wrongs.

How did I have it in my mind for two years that Jacob, my best friend who saved me from myself, would have continued on living?

I was living in some lie that life for all those I loved had stopped after I left. Was I senile to think that everything would be the same when I came back? The answer to that was clear; yes. If I had been stronger, I would have continued to stay away. In the long run, it would be easier. _Easier_. I kid myself into thinking it was easy for the ones I left behind. It was selfish of me to ever think that.

I felt like I could drive the twisting roads down to La Push blind. How many times had I driven these same roads two years ago to go see my best friend, the person I now came back for? I would have felt an overwhelming happiness that this was finally happening, but Charlie's words still haunted me. Drugs…running away…depression. How had my Jacob, my bright and full of life Jacob, done those things?

_Things_ had changed. People had changed. I changed, and he changed. I was delusional to think everything would return back to normal now that I was here. The thing I wanted most wouldn't be there, because the person I wanted most was no longer there, as the person he used to be. But then again, neither was I.

Twenty minutes later I was in La Push. Finally. _Finally_.

I sat there, staring at the same small, red house pushed up against the forest for what felt like hours. I was taking Charlie's advice, but how could I be sure Jacob wasn't there? What if he opened the door to see me, a ghost of his past standing there? How would he react? Hell, how would I react? I hadn't thought that part over yet.

My feet betrayed me as my thoughts were set on the fact that my dad had told me to go see Billy, which must mean he was alone in his house, right? Maybe Charlie knew Jacob was out somewhere, or had a place of his own. Right? Right. _Right_.

Relief washed over me when the old, rusty brown door squeaked open and there sat Billy Black. His hair was filled with grey specks and it was much shorter than I previously remembered it being. His face had aged, just like Charlie's. Yet there was still a light in his eyes.

"Isabella," he spoke my name with an oddly contagious smile, not looking as nearly frightened or like he'd seen a ghost as my dad had. I stared down at him, taking in his new face to replace the younger one I had engraved in my mind. Just like Charlie's. Just like Renee's. And just like Jacob's.

"Charlie called me and said you were on your way down. He didn't want you to end up giving me a heart attack," he continued to smile at me with a small chuckle before I was leaning down to hug him like it was the most ordinary thing, like I hadn't been absent from his life for two years. Guilt ate at me, squirming around my heart.

"Hi, Billy."

I pulled back a few seconds later after Billy gave my back a few pats and placed a fraternal kiss to the side of my temple. The overwhelming feelings of being in_ this_ house had tears dripping from my eyes.

Quickly I wiped them away, letting out a shaky breath, "Sorry…I'm just a mess," I laughed at myself to try and ease the tension.

"Well…you've probably been through a lot," he replied with a hint of curiosity.

The same scents still sifted throughout the Black house. Billy urged me inside and into the kitchen, passing the same light brown couch in the living, and into the same dull white kitchen. It smelt like the rain and the forest, natural. And like cleaning detergents.

"You look as gorgeous as ever, Bella," Billy gave me a once over under the lights of the kitchen. I shied under his gaze, glancing down at my feet. I feared the next words out of his mouth to be inquisitions; where were you, why'd you leave, how could you leave?

"It's great to see you, Billy," I replied, my voice showing an octave of emotion.

"Oh, it's great to see you. Never thought I would," I winced at his words, looking down at my hands toying with the hem of my shirt.

In an attempt to switch the way the conversation was rolling, a mumbled out, "So, you and Sue? I guess that's just as surprising as my dad dating again…"

His smile widened on his aging face, "Yeah, who woulda thought?" He chuckled lightly, "This weekend is actually our anniversary. I invited Charlie, Ali and yourself over for dinner tonight at Sue's place when I talked to your father on the phone a few minutes ago. The whole pack will be there celebrating, I'm sure they'd love to see you. Sue's kids and Ali's kids will be there, too."

"Ali's _kids_?" I guess Charlie didn't feel the need to mention that fact to me earlier. Besides, they were engaged. Didn't I deserve to know about the family I was being bound to?

"Oh sure, Colin is her youngest, he's part of the pack. The kid gets into a lot of trouble 'round here. And Nessa is 19, Jake's age. They've been seeing each other recently, she's good for him…" I could practically feel the sting of the slap in the face. Ouch. Guess I deserved that one. Billy had every right to hate me, especially with after my dad told me about Jake's mishaps after my absence…

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't even sure of their cause. Jealousy? Regret? Pain? Whatever the reason, I didn't feel welcome any longer.

"Right, well…I should get going…" I murmured, turning to make my way towards the door I only just previously entered. As I gripped the doorknob and forced open the door that still always needed a few shakes to open fully just like it did all those years ago, Billy's voice had me stopping in my tracks.

"He's down by the beach."

I practically ran to my car after that, managing not to stumble. I had worked on that over the years; my clumsiness. I wasn't so fragile anymore. I didn't need to be taken care of. I managed for two years to prove to myself that I didn't need to rely on those who felt they needed to control me. To watch over me. Now was not any different.

Even though I was mentally repeating _Don't go to the beach, Don't go to the beach, Don't go to the beach,_ it was inevitable that I would end up there with the voice in my head keeping me company.

_Billy had every right to say that to you…_

You think I don't know that?

I felt like I had been thrown into some sick reality show. Where my potential stepsister was dating my…my what? My _nothing_. _I_ left, _I_ ran, _I_ abandoned. I had no claiming rights. But that was the whole reason for coming back, all because of him. All because I need him.

I parked between a clump of cars in the parking lot overlooking First Beach. There were crowds and clusters of people all over the place; near the beach, by the few bonfires burning, near the diner off to the right…

Nerves consumed me as I stared, looking for the familiar group of boys who towered over everyone. Whose intimidating physiques had everyone parting a pathway for them. I was so lost in my own high hopes and anxiety as I sat in my jeep that the high pitched ringing of my cell phone caused me to jump from my skin. My elbow hit the side of the metal door as a result, causing a tingling sensation to trail up and down my arm.

"Ow, ow, ow…" I searched frantically for the cell phone in my bag. Why the hell did I ever allow them to buy me this?

"Ow…hello?" I breathed into the small flip phone, gripping at my sure to be bruised elbow.

"Bella, it's good to hear your voice. How are you?" The voice rang through the phone.

"Uh…better, I guess. How are you?"

"Better, as well."

"I'm…uh…in Forks…" I mumbled, biting my lower lip as my eyes started searching the beach through squinted eyes as the sun obscured my vision.

There was silence on the other end of the phone, causing even more nerves to add to the bundle in my stomach.

"I know, Bella." Pause. "…Do you think that's a good idea?"

No. "Yes." My voice cracked as I mentally scolded myself. Not only did I perfect my usual clumsiness over the years, I also worked on my ability to lie. Before, I pretty much sucked and couldn't lie to save my life. Literally; flash back to Laurent. But, that got better over time as well. Except for now, of course. My voice betrayed me.

A disapproving sigh was all I received from the person on the other line.

My eyes caught something then; a group of ten or so trudging their way up from the beach and towards the diner. The group towered over everyone else, and their shirtless bodies had everyone they passed gaping in awe.

Everything shifted. My breathing came out as pants, "Look, I have to go…" I mumbled into the phone, opening the door and sliding out into the surprising warmth of the day.

"Miss you always, Bella." I ended the call without replying, stuffing the phone somewhere in the back pocket of my jeans.

My mouth went dry, and in that moment as I watched the large group continue their descent with a few girls at their sides, I knew it was them. I knew it was them when they walked like they were flanking their Alpha, when I caught sight of their short cropped hair and the way they stood out amongst the other, ordinary people. I had the same feeling I experienced earlier that morning inside my kitchen when I hurled up all the food in my system. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as I searched and searched the ten faces of the group walking a few yards away from my side to find the face that never left my mind for the past two years.

And then, one of the members of the pack stopped walking and remained still. Just as still as I was. My heart stopped beating in that moment, my mind screaming that it was him and that he somehow sensed me. I watched with disbelieving eyes as the man turned, his eyes catching mine. My heart clenched when the face I saw wasn't Jacob's, but an unfamiliar one.

We stared at each other from across the lot, my mind boggled and confused as the face of one of the pack members stared back at me, showing no sign of emotion. Then I saw it; the familiar awkward hunch that was distinctly Quil, the hunch that was so distinguishable to him and the way he stood. Now that I put a name with the face, I could see small glitters of his younger, sixteen year old self. But no longer did he resemble that youthful boy; though I knew he was only nineteen, he looked to be in his mid twenties. Whether it be because of his frightening demeanor or his face that looked aged with knowledge and history.

Right as something seemed to register on his face – the same look Ali and Charlie wore when they first saw me – he was left with a look of complete confusion on his expression. And then Quil was there, standing right in front of me as the pack continued their descent over the small hill leading towards the diner, not yet noticing his absence.

"Bella?" He spoke my name cautiously, as if expecting me to drift away with the wind like a hallucination. The sound of his voice brought me back in time to two years ago, when we were sitting in Jacob's garage, watching Embry and him Jake wrestle over some witty comment made about prom. A very human time for the three of them, and a very emotionless time for me. Quil was sitting at my right, betting that Embry would win the match against Jake…

"You're alive," he stated as if it was the last thing in this world he expected. A job well done for me, I guess. And then it hit me; the way he was staring at me for so long with a rigid expression had me thinking that he actually thought I was dead, not alive whatsoever. But the realization that he – they all – must have come to was that I was a vampire, and it now made sense that Quil's hunched over body was that of almost attack mode. What would the pack's protocol have been for me if I was a vampire? Kill? Kill without a second thought?

For the third time that day I felt ready to vomit.

Quil's eyes continued to roam over me; not in a seductive 'I want you' kind of way, but as if he doubling checking. Double checking my heart beat, the pink flush on my pale face, the very human scent I still had…

"Where's Jacob?"

He shifted on his feet as I tried to peer around his bulky frame, but he reached out a gentle hand to stop my movements, "Look, I don't really know what's going on right now, or if I'm just fucking imagining this and going insane…but you can't see him."

"Says who?" I snapped back, a little more animosity in my tone than I'd intended. Yet not enough to scare a werewolf.

"Says me. Are you back in town, for good? Or just passing through?"

Why the inquisition? "For good." Well, I hadn't made plans either way. But now, now I didn't want to leave. I could get an apartment, or move to Port Angeles somewhere…

"Let me break the news to Jake that you're…you're…well, alive…and back," His hazel eyes tried to plead with me.

"No. I'm not going to let him find out from someone else that I'm here. I need to tell him, I need to see him…" Just as I was about to make a dash around his side to get away from his concealing frame, a voice calling out for Quil broke my train of thought.

"Quil! What're you doing? We're fucking starving, hurry up and get sorry your ass over here!"

Jacob. His voice was rich and deep and so…_Jacob_.

"Bella, please," Quil tensed, "I'm trying to do what's best for both of you," He continued to try and get me to back down.

"No," My eyes welled as I looked up at him, hoping the simple statement and the sincerity in my voice would sway his decision.

"Yes."

"_No_."

He let out a frustrated sigh, "I forgot how stubborn you can be…" he mumbled with a half grin, "Let me try and talk to him first at least?" All I could do was nod. This was it. This was it.

"Quil, c'mon!" Jacob's voice became a bit more impatient as I peered around Quil to see him begin to head over towards us from the opposite side of the lot, where Quil had previously stood. The pack was a few yards ahead still, waiting for their brothers.

"Jake-" Quil raised a hand in protest as Jacob came closer and closer, "Now, before you do anything crazy…" He trailed off, uncertain.

"Is it a leech?" Jacob's voice was suddenly as sharp as knives. I knew he couldn't be far now, maybe one hundred feet or so. My heart was doing all kinds of jumps and flips. Suddenly I felt unsure. I was afraid to see him, to see all the changes in him that Charlie had warned me of. Afraid to see his reaction and even my own reaction. I wasn't ready. Or else if I was, I would have run out from behind Quil's concealment and wouldn't be second guessing myself.

"Quil…I'm…I'm not ready," Whatever those words meant, I hoped he understood their meaning. I spoke in such a soft whisper, too afraid Jake would have heard or me hell, even smelt me…

Weird werewolf senses.

"No wait, stop," Quil protested to Jacob, his voice urgent, "I'll meet you inside? I'm just talking to a friend and need to be alone, okay?" Well, Quil was a much better liar than me, that was for certain. I was unaware of how close Jacob had gotten to us, but I guessed it wasn't close enough for anything to change. Because seconds later Quil was facing me and pushing me back to my car, opening the door and ushering me inside. All the while hiding my small frame.

"I won't tell him anything, at least not for today. He'll see into my thoughts tonight, so it's then or never," He was still whispering, occasionally checking over his shoulder to see Jake retreating, yet mimicking his movement and looking back over his own shoulder in curiosity.

"No, no…tell him. Warn him. Let him decide." I was the queen of indecision.

Quil nodded, "Give me five minutes to get him inside before you drive away…" he made a move to shut the door, then paused, "Oh, and Bella? It's good to see you…alive," His smile and the affection in his voice made my heart warm. Then Quil was gone, and five minutes later so was I.

I exceeded and broke every speed limit on every road, glad my jeep, unlike the truck, could actually reach over 65 mph. There were no tears during my reckless drive home, which was reached in record time. I was too shaken from my almost encounter with one of the three people I loved most in this world. Seeing Charlie would have been hard but since I wasn't expecting it that somehow made it easier. I would still have to call Renee, which wouldn't be as emotional as it would in person. And seeing Jake, well…you know how that went.

I trudged inside, my mind wandering as I stood in the kitchen, staring at the faucet dripping water every few seconds.

"Bells?" My dad gave me a gentle shake on one of my shoulders, arching an eyebrow at me as I blinked and came to.

"Sorry…I was…spacing out. It's been a long day…" I mumbled, not meeting his gaze since mine felt too vulnerable.

"Did ya see Jacob?"

"No…no. I took your advice and only saw Billy…" Well, I hadn't exactly taken his advice. Up until the point I coward away, my intentions _were_ to see him.

"Well, that's good kiddo. Did he tell you he invited us over for dinner at Sue's? We'll be leaving here in an hour. Ali went out to Sue's already to help with cookin'."

"Why didn't you tell me about Jacob and Ali's daughter?"

"Hmm?" Charlie mumbled as he took to gather bills and envelopes and stack them on the counter as if trying to play off the comment.

"Billy said Jacob has been…seeing Ali's daughter. You didn't feel as if I needed to know that?" I was on the edge of sobbing. And again, I wasn't even sure where the tears were coming from. Maybe the day was just too overwhelming.

Charlie sighed, turning to grip my shoulders, "You two have always been friends, I didn't think it would matter…You said tomorrow we would talk, and I'll do some talking too then and explain things here more," He then changed the subject, "Anyways, like I said, we'll be leaving in an hour and I need to go shower. Be ready by four."

"I can't."

In response all I got was a cocked eyebrow.

"I can't go there, Dad. Billy said the whole pack will be there, Jacob included. I think it's best if I just stay here for a little…I'll cook dinner for myself." Lies. I had no appetite. All I really wanted was sleep. And Jacob.

Charlie seemed to hesitate, "Well…I understand. I'll just head over there for a little to congratulate them then I'll come back so you're not all alone…on your first night back and all…" he began to slowly retreat up the stairs.

I was too drained to put up any fight.

"You should call your mom soon. I let her know you were safe and here when you went to La Push. She'll want to hear from you," Charlie added from the top of the stairs, and almost as if on cue the phone rang. I winced, preparing myself for the onslaught of yelling, tears and affection.

"Hello?" My voice came off more tired and annoyed than I intended.

Silence. All that I could hear on the other end was the shaky breath of the caller, "Um…hello? Mom?" I asked, this time my voice spiking with curiosity. The breathing continued. I hung up quickly, wrinkling my nose at the awkwardness of the situation. Creepy.

I waited until I heard the shower running before I took to exploring my new, unfamiliar…yet somehow the same, home. I flipped through the stacks of bills first, noticing my dad's name were on all the letters. Guess that confirmed that Ali didn't officially move in. But then again, there wasn't exactly room for two more kids…Hm, that had me wondering if Charlie had plans to move to her house, or even buy a new one.

Next I shifted through the fridge, finding it stocked with vegetables, fruit and everything else healthy imaginable. Surely this wasn't my dad's doing. Maybe this Ali chick would be good for him…I made my way to the living room, the couch and my dad's chair still in their usual places. The picture frames were still in their exact spots, as were the books and magazines…yet there were small bundles of flowers in vases placed accordingly around the room. Again, definitely not Charlie's doing.

Too tired to take my quest elsewhere, I plopped myself on the couch to lie down on my side, curling into a small ball as I stared at the television, which was softly playing the news. Rain, rain and more rain made up the seven day forecast.

I couldn't put a time frame around how long I laid on the couch, staring now at the ceiling. The thing that stirred me from my half slumber was the door bell ringing. I noticed the shower upstairs wasn't running any longer. Nothing about my body had the intentions of getting up to answer the door.

"Bella? Will you get that?" My dad hollered from upstairs.

I whined as I stood up, dragging myself down the hall, wondering who on earth this could be. I squinted my tired eyes, running a hand through my windblown hair so that the thickness and length of it was all settling over my right shoulder and down to my abdomen.

I opened the door, wondering if this was some sort of illusion. Or dream. Did I fall asleep on the couch?

I had to take a step back under the sheer tallness of him. My eyes started at his shoe clad feet, slowly running up to the pair of cutoffs situated at his waist, then to the wrinkled black shirt that looked like it was a last minute decision to throw on. I took in his face lastly, my chest heaving with every breath I took. His jaw and cheekbones were more chiseled with age and experience, his full lips were still the same pale musk but were now pushed into a thin line at his mouth, his nose looked slightly crooked, as if it had been recently broken, and his eyes…his eye were as black as night, hidden beneath his furrowed eyebrows. His once short and slightly spiked hair had grown only barely to the length of his ears.

I found myself having to hold tightly onto the doorknob to support my wobbly legs at the sight of Jacob, only a foot away from me. I guess Quil wasted no time in telling him of our encounter. His eyes were frozen into place on mine, unlike Quil's who roamed practically every square inch of my body. His nostrils were flaring as he sucked in deep breaths, as if having to test the air that proved of me being alive, and not a…vampire.

And then the space between us was gone, and Jacob was standing directly in front of me. I had to crane my neck to even look up at him, my exposed and naked eyes trying to somehow delegate his own blank and callous ones.

My eyes began to slowly lower, all the while holding his as Jake fell to his knees in front of me slowly, his body showing signs of defeat and complete vulnerability that his eyes would not allow. And then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, his arms were around my waist with his fingers gripping my sides and his face burying in my neck. His warm tears dripped down my neck and chest. The hotness of his cheek pressed into the nape of my neck and his fingers on the bare skin between my shirt and jeans branded him straight into my skin.

My chest felt compressed by a ton of weights, making it hard for me to breathe – yet alone believe – that this dreamlike scene was playing out in front of my eyes.

I watched as my hands ran through his hair before grasping desperately onto the back of his neck. My forehead settled on top of his head, a flood of tears falling down my cheeks to the symphony of both of our sobs.

No words were exchanged.

* * *

_A/N: well…this is the first time this has ever happened. I wrote this in one day. It kind of just…poured out of me. Hell, I even dreamt about this chapter as weird as it sounds. I literally woke up, sat in front of my laptop, and typed the first four pages. So, I hope you all like it._

_Wow, 10 reviews? I'm so happy! Thanks to all of you who I completely love, especially those who have also been reading Hear You Breathe and reviewing that one too. This is for you all(: Your reviews mean a lot.  
__Please review and let me know what you're thinking. I'm hoping you're sort of confused in a way…as odd as that sounds…_


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3 "Written In Your Eyes"

The presence of him – even down on his knees, defeated – still stirred life in me like it had two years ago. His ability, even despite those two endurable years, to somehow submerge himself inside of me and straight into the wide, aching expanse of my chest still never ceased to amaze me.

There were times two years ago when in a total moment of awe I would find myself gawking over how Jacob's presence was in itself healing. When Edward had left and all that remained in my chest was something cold and rigid, without even knowing it Jacob had somehow unconsciously stitched and sewed me back together.

For days, even weeks, I tried to figure out how he did it; I would watch him carefully, wondering if in some way his exact intentions were to try and make me feel light, to make me feel whole. I had never gotten to the point where I was able to figure it out, because I had disappeared for two years. But now, at a later point in time when my perspectives and complete thought process had undergone a change, I finally came to a realization.

No one in their right mind could have the intentions on healing a broken soul. In which case, where would you even begin? Would you map out some directions like the ones on the back of a box of brownies?

Maybe it was in the way he used to smile at me and take my hand in his during all the right moments. Maybe it was in now the way his cheek pressed into my lower neck and chest, hovering above the too quick beats of my heart and oozing heat straight through the hungry pores of my skin. Or in the way his too hot tears pinpricked at the wounds in my soul. In whichever way he acted, Jacob Black, in himself, was healing.

What to tell the person kneeling in front of you and baring his own soul in all its depth and glory that he was rightfully one of the three people to save your life? You'd think that during those two years I would have come up with something. Some sort of words and murmurs that would ease the pain. Yet no words could be formed, but maybe that was because I was choking on the raw emotion pouring out of me.

Were there even words to right my wrongs?

The scene was everlasting. Jacob's grip around my midsection was the only support holding me up. As the first wave of overflowing shock drifted and we were left in the eye of the storm with the threat of more aftershocks to hit, I was able to regain the use of my humbled mind. I felt Jake's shaky lips skim the skin at my neck, his eyelashes fluttering their own kisses and his nose dragging lines up and down the nape of my neck, under my jaw.

There was also a point in time when affections like this I wouldn't accept from Jacob. When the friendship I so rightly sought became so much more than just that to him. And, in all honesty, my feelings were slowly beginning to shift for him back then too, and were even going to be expressed if the phone ringing hadn't interrupted that. I wondered then how different my life would have gone if Edward hadn't called the day I jumped from the cliffs.

Would I be off at college with my life beginning to trek along normally? Would I have fallen in love, yet this time with my best friend? For months thoughts like these haunted me; all those 'what ifs' mocking the hell out of me. Despite a hundred thousand what ifs, there was only one reality. The one I was now facing.

It seemed as if my fingers couldn't quite get the right grasp on him. After they had stroked through the short locks of his hair, memorizing the texture, they moved of their own accord across the planes of his shoulders, down the rippling muscles of his upper arms before the pattern began to be repeated.

I lost track of how long we stayed in that position.

Yet it didn't matter to me, because I was willingly to give him all the time in the world he needed. It was the least I could do.

"Bella…Bella…Bella…." I heard him whisper out my name in short, hot breaths. His voice – just like his demeanor – was aged with a deep, thick husk. The vibrations of his voice box resonated and immersed inside of me.

If it wasn't for the vice like grip of his arms around me, I would have been a pool of jello on the floor of the doorway to my house.

Or have passed out from the onslaught of emotion.

Speaking of which, I was slowly beginning to register how tightly his arms were compressed around me, suddenly weakening my air supply. Hell, I would have gone oxygen free if it meant providing each spare second I could for him.

My body folded weakly into his, "Jacob…." How easily his name passed my lips would have rendered me speechless if I wasn't completely taking in the moment.

A very muffled whimper of emotion slipped past Jake's lips the second after I spoke his name.

How had I given all of this up for two years?

_Well_…

I know, I know, I know. Don't ruin this for me. I was being rhetorical.

In one fluid movement Jake stood up, all the while never breaking either of our very relentless grips on one another. My eyes strained, too afraid to open them and find nothing but empty air in front of me. It wouldn't be the first time I dreamed of this…

Jacob had to hunch over to accommodate my arms that encircled his neck while he steadied his hands by gripping at the sides of my hips, his palms at the base of my hipbones. Once I felt his forehead rest on mine, I willed my bloodshot eyes open to find Jacob's once stark black eyes closed and a very apprehensive and weathered look on his face.

I hadn't realized I was greedily gulping down fresh oxygen I had been deprived of before Jacob switched our position. Tears were still pooling from our eyes, and as if almost hesitant, Jake's hands began to roam my body in a tentative exploration. The shy way he took to feeling me reminded me of when I first walked into this house earlier that day and I skimmed my fingers over the walls and counter, touching something resolute that was once just a memory and making it fresh in my mind. Like he was doing with me.

I continued to choke on pure emotion, something resembling the sound of a whimper formed in the back of my throat. His eyes still remained closed.

Nothing else mattered in that moment of bliss.

"Jake-" Almost the same noise I had previously made echoed in repeat from his throat. A heart wrenching sob.

"Hey…shh…look at me," I tried – with a wavering voice – to somehow alleviate the clear agony, shock and suffering all twisting his face into an unpleasant grimace that didn't belong on his beautiful features. I knew the reason for his eyes remaining closed, because only moments ago I was feeling the exact same way; as if this wasn't real, as if it was all just some fucked up image of our imagination, as if when my eyes finally opened he would no longer be there…

His hands ran along my ribs, through my hair, down my back…consuming me with his heat inch by inch as his fiery, humid breath escaping past his lips mingled over the skin on my face. Just like two years ago during our almost kiss, he still smelt and tasted of the same pine tree and evergreen.

I was pleased to find that once his eyes slowly blinked open – immediately locking onto mine in some primal way – that they were no longer stark black with secrets and that they had returned to the familiar golden brown that was purely my Jacob and not the intruder before. I stopped breathing after what all they showed me; transparent and pure torment.

Then, his two golden orbs were filled with questions.

Jacob broke from my grasp around his neck, releasing his welcomed hold on my body. Tears stung my eyes and I shook my head in protest, feeling the first waves of rejection. His hands then came up to my face, his head still eye level with mine as his thumbs brushed across my cheeks, my jaw, my lips…

"Bella…God, Bella…where…how…?" his voice wasn't strong enough to hold against the assault of emotion.

My head shook for the second time as I reached to hold onto his wrists, securing his tender grasp on either side of my jaw, "No. No questions, not right now…." I whispered, pleaded. He looked much older than I had envisioned in my head, aged with a certain toughness with no flecks of his former, more flamboyant self. Had I caused that?

Inch by inch Jacob began to lean his face closer to me until his lips were brushing away the few tears streaming down my cheeks, starting at my right and murmuring, "You don't know…", then bringing his lips to my left cheek, near the corner of my mouth to finish his confession, "…how much I've—"

"Jacob." Charlie's rather combative voice cut through the chorus of Jake's.

I found myself on edge of what Jake would have said next. You don't know how much I've… missed you? How much I've… wanted you? How much I've…hated you? Despised you?

The only movement made was the stiffening of Jake's body at the sound of Charlie. Our eyes didn't waver from our intent, greedy stare; both of us pretending as if his voice hadn't disrupted the moment, our moment. The energy and the heat between us was so straightforward and tangible that it felt completely and utterly impossible to break away from.

"Jacob," Charlie's voice was a bit more impatient and more…obtrusive than before.

No, go away. Didn't this qualify as one of those 'I'll give you two some alone time' moments?

I need him closer. To be wrapped up in him.

Charlie's hand on Jacob's shoulder had him backing away, snapping us out of our own world. Seconds after, I noticed with wary, wide eyes that Jacob's hands began to tremble. Not in the way that he was ready to phase, but in a new, unfamiliar way which had Charlie pulling him further away from me.

"Jacob, we should be heading over to Sue's now. Your father is counting on you being there…." There was an edge in his voice. A silent plea mixed with a warning.

Jacob's eyes left mine for the first time, leaving me feeling suddenly empty and hollow.

"I'm fine, Charlie," was all Jake replied with in a haggard voice, his eyes – now a mixture of the frightening blackness and golden brown – flicked accusingly down to Charlie's hand still securely placed on his shoulder.

My dad didn't take the hint.

"Never said you weren't, kid. I'm just lookin' out for the both of you, and I know how much it'll mean to your dad if you go tonight. I'll drive us over there."

"No."

"What?"

"No. I drove here. I'll drive you both down there."

Pause.

"Jacob…do you really think that's a good idea, for you to drive?" Charlie's voice sounded hesitant, worried. "You're not…are you?" He made a gesture of something during the pause in his sentiment.

"No, God no. Fuck…." Jake's hands continued to shake.

What the hell? I was getting fed up with all these cryptic messages.

Something about Jake's broken mannerism had me reaching out for one of his quivering hands to lace my fingers through his. The drive to comfort him – much like he had done for me two years ago – propelled the gesture that came so second nature.

Charlie's eyes flicked back and forth between Jake and me. I was able to catch the look of concern on his face from my peripheral vision as my eyes still remained locked on what used to be the face of the Jacob Black I remembered. He was still there somewhere, just hidden deep behind this new, fragile person.

"Let's get going then," Charlie mused, still with a cautious edge on his voice.

No one made the first movement to leave. Wait, no. I couldn't go over to Sue's. How was I supposed to survive that encounter when I was barely surviving this? My mind wasn't even working correctly.

Yet, I wasn't so inclined to stay here. Alone. Without having so much as said four words to Jacob. My brain felt clouded, even as I tried to process what the hell to do.

There was only one solution. Whether it be rational or not, which I was likely to regret later.

* * *

The car ride was filled with an unpleasant muteness.

I sat curled on my side in the back seat of Jake's '69 Chevy camaro, leaning against the side of the door. The wind from the passenger's seat window where Charlie sat was whipping against my face, causing strands of my hair to whisk around. My eyes remained closed in an attempt to clear my mind, which wasn't having any success. I could feel Jake's gaze burning into my cheek from the rearview mirror, and despite the deathly silence in the car, my brain was too far gone to focus. Or, too far clustered to focus.

By the time we pulled into the driveway of Sue Clearwater's house, I was a nervous mess. Sure, I knew I couldn't hide away from everyone forever. But couldn't they give me small doses instead of throwing me right in there with the herd of them all?

I stayed hidden in my dad's side as we walked up the porch steps with his arm hung comfortingly over my shoulder. It appears my nervousness hadn't gone unnoticed. I couldn't will myself to look at Jake still even though his eyes continued to burn me into nothing but a cinder of ash.

When we walked into the room, everyone went silent and turned to face me with bewildered looks like I'd just done a magic trick. Well, I guess you could consider it that…Left for dead only to show up human a few years later. Everyone meet Countess Swan, magician of the unthinkable.

The room was packed full with loads of unfamiliar faces, the only ones I recognized was Quil, Embry, Sam, Jared, Paul, Emily, Billy, Sue and Ali. There were at least eight other faces staring back at me that I didn't recognize, one a toddler and another a baby being cradled in the arms of Sam.

Then, before I knew what was happening, Embry was swinging me around in his arms in one massive bear hug. And just as my feet found the floor, Quil's arms mimicked the same movement as Embry's. I whispered a small thank you to him for his earlier, genuine gesture of helping me out with the Jake situation, which, as I was being swung around in his arms, I noticed he hadn't entered the house behind Charlie and me.

"It's very good to see you again, Bella." The ever polite and warm hearted Emily took me in a gentle embrace, and as she pulled back I noticed she was glowing. A very maternal sort of glow. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Ali walking up to my father's side and placing a kiss to his lips. Internally I shuddered. That was very much something I'd have to get used to.

Everyone's scrutinizing gaze on me was overwhelming.

"Dinner will be ready in five, everyone," Emily announced to the room before she and Sue – who stopped to kindly greet me – retreated past the swinging door and into the kitchen.

"Looks like it's time for introductions," Ali's chirpy voice cut through the silence before she was at my side and taking my hand to lead me further into the room. I swallowed down a lump of a fear, still being looked upon as the center of attention.

Charlie stayed at my side, sensing my apprehension. Bless him.

I was first introduced to Ali's kids, Collin and Vanessa – Nessa for short, apparently. Collin stood to take me into an awkward embrace. He was just as tall and vast as all the other werewolves in the room. Nessa stayed seated on the couch, looking up at me with penetrating eyes. I couldn't look at her for long – Billy's voice in the back of my head saying she and Jake were together was mocking me – but the glimpse I got of her was like another slap in the face. She was completely stunning; with blue eyes on copper skin and long, flowy Victoria's Secret model hair.

Next was Leah and Seth, who I briefly remembered meeting when I was only a kid during one of my visits up here. Seth was more welcoming with a wide smile and a slight wave, but just like Nessa, Leah didn't make a gesture to move or show any sign of affection.

When I was next introduced to Jared's girlfriend Kim, could you blame me for thinking she'd give me the cold shoulder too? Surprisingly, she was shyly genuine and even shook my hand in a proper and decent way.

"And you remember Rachel, Jacob's sister…." Ali's voice trailed on as she gestured to Rachel sitting in Paul's lap. I received the worst, most awful 'fuck you' stare from her. Guess that's about par for the course.

In Quil's lap sat a toddler around the age of five or six, who was introduced by him as Claire. I was highly suspicious, wondering if he had a sister I never knew about. She was far too old to even be considered his daughter.

"Hi Bwella," Claire smiled as she reached to hug my midsection. Well, that was the warmest reception for me of the night, from a child nonetheless.

Last I was turned to face Sam, his expression controlled, "Bella, it's nice to see you," he offered a half smile that didn't seem one bit genuine. Then he gestured towards the sleeping baby in his arms, "This is Levi Uley, my son."

My jaw dropped at the sight of the young baby, his head full of thick black hair with rosy cheeks. No wonder Emily was glowing when I first saw her, "He's beautiful, Sam. How old is he?"

"Almost six months." Now his smile had reached his eyes, talking about his son.

"Dinner's ready!" Sue called out from the other room, snapping everyone out their trance as they all made their way to the dining room table where stacks and pans of food were spread out, waiting.

Discreetly Jacob walked in from outside, staying hidden in the corner of the room. Suddenly things got more awkward as I took notice that Leah, Rachel and Vanessa had all formed a small circle, their mouths moving as they stared straight at me. What? Were we in high school again?

In an attempt to save the day, Charlie and Billy began to side track me and tell me all the latest news about what has been going on around here. Not that I paid attention.

* * *

The confinement of the closed off kitchen provided all I needed for an escape.

"Emily?"

Her hazel eyes caught mine from where we stood around the grandiose sink, washing and stacking the previously used dishes into the washer.

"Hmm?" Emily's soft hum was all I received in response as she busied herself by cleaning out the sink.

"Would you mind telling Charlie that I stepped out for a little? I just…need some fresh air," I sniffed, trying my best to speak in the softest voice so the pack of wolves in the other room wouldn't hear but yet so it didn't seem suspicious to the glowing woman standing a few feet away from me.

"Oh sure. No problem, sweetie. And Bella? I'm here…if you need someone to talk to."

I took off then for the back door hidden near the side of the kitchen. No longer could I sit in that living room, feeling more than unwelcomed. I hadn't even met half of them before in my life but they looked at me like I was the guru of hate.

The chill of the summer's night air almost knocked me off my feet. I guess over time I adjusted to the typical warm air, day or night, which Sandpoint provided. Well, I wasn't going to get very far in this. Why exactly had I agreed to come here? In Jacob's car? So much for thinking ahead. Now I had no escape.

It looks like I'll really just be out getting fresh air instead of returning home like I had intended.

I didn't even make it to the front of the house where all the cars were lined up before I heard a voice call out my name. Tears stung my eyes from pure frustration.

I really needed to stop running away from things. It was becoming a bad habit.

I continued my descent, not having any exact place in mind. Just not here. It was too soon.

A scorching hand caught my wrist, attempting to turn my body back to his.

"Jake, let me go," I mumbled, unsuccessfully trying to break my arm from his grasp. I gave up before I even tried, letting him do whatever he pleased.

He let out a simple scoff to my half-plea, "I can't, Bella. Believe me, I've fucking tried…for two year goddamn years." Great. I hadn't intended our conversation to take this turn. Not yet, anyways.

I came face to face with him for the first time since we left my house, the moonlight casting shadows across the deep ridges of his features. Anxiety twisted around my heart.

"This was a mistake…" I murmured under my breath, letting another wave of tears fall from my eyes, too exhausted to even refute to his words.

"What was? Leaving in the first place or coming back?" he spat the words at me like scum, involuntarily making me flinch and causing me to take a step back from him. His hand still secured its place around my arm.

My shoulders squared, some voice in the back of my head telling me not to cower away, "You don't know what I've been through," I hissed in a spiteful and pitiful voice that was no match to Jake's abrasive and dark one.

"And you have no idea what I've been through, what you've put me through! What you've put Charlie through. I died the day I thought I'd lost you. Not to mention Charlie—"

"_Stop_," I begged in a broken whisper.

I can't hear this. Not right now, not in this situation. Please please please…

I prayed that the words I couldn't utter would somehow register on my helpless features and Jacob would feel some empathy towards me. I was getting tired of my constant anxiousness and feeling like today's food was going to make a reappearance.

"No, I think you need to fucking hear it, Bella. You made your decision the day you decided to not let anyone know you were alive for whatever selfish reasons you had, now take the consequences. Did you know that Charlie buried an empty casket for you, thinking you were a fucking leech? What else were we supposed to think when you couldn't even bother to call or let us know you weren't…weren't…" His voice broke off as he let go of my arm to ball his hands into fists at his sides.

"You can't imagine the things I've done. You have no idea what you have put me through—" This time he stopped himself, as if realizing he overstepped a certain boundary or said something that he hadn't intended.

By that point my hand had fluttered over my mouth to suppress the gut wrenching sobs forcing their way through me, showing no remorse. A tornado struck inside me, messing with my sense of vertigo as it twisted, pulled and spun me round.

Buried…casket…empty. Empty…buried…casket. Casket…empty…buried?

Though my vision was blurred from the flood of tears, I managed to catch Jake looking as if he was just about to speak again, as if there was so much more to say. As if he didn't care to degrade me. By some sort of sick twist of luck, I was able to cut off whatever the hell he had to say next because before I knew it, I was turning around, gripping the side of the yellow canary house for support as the very small portioned meal I ate inside now choked through me and into the Clearwater's yard.

Many brutal dry heaves wrecked my body whenever the reminder of what Jacob had told me – casket…buried…empty? – would sneak back into my mind. I felt so lightheaded and like someone had diminished my heart – numb was a better word really – to have noticed that Jake's arm was around my waist, supporting me while I weakly sobbed.

"Take me home," my voice sounded scratchy and callous.

With no response and a chilling silence, Jake walked me over to the passenger's side of his car, all the while supporting my body even despite my feeble, sluggish attempts to shove him away. I instantly curled against the door once I was seated inside the leather interior, trying to put as much distance between us as possible. I lowered the window as soon as Jake got in and sped off; hoping the chill of the night would calm my flustered and nauseated stomach. For a moment I even worried about puking in Jake's car, but that fear was instantly squashed when I realized there was nothing left in me to even heave up.

The only sound was the muffled radio, managing to cause more tension in the air…

_Our days are numbered I can tell so I won't to cry,  
play your favorite card and tell me that I don't care about you.  
That's why you're leaving right?  
It's written in your eyes.  
I can't believe you'd leave me like this after all the things I held true…_

Why in the world was I thinking letting him be the one that I needed? I don't know how he got into my heart, I tried so hard to close the gates when the dam was bleeding. Yet somehow, he took his place, never having left for two years.

And I'd thought the ride down here was tormenting. This was never ending torture filled with a thick tension that neither of us would break. What was I even supposed to say? I knew I deserved every bit of his scrutinizing, every single last drop of it. But how did he ever have it in his mind that anything was ever easy for me? Did he not realize I did what I had to do for him, for Charlie, for my mom? Though being back here pretty much fucked up the one solution I thought clear for my life after leaving Italy.

It was in his best interest. It was in everyone's best interest besides my own. I could only hope the feeling would be mutual one day when I could muster up the courage to even begin to talk about it.

Twenty five minutes later we were pulling up to the house, as I was eager to make my escape. Yet despite my mind set on flying out the car and trudging stubbornly inside, I remained frozen in the seat, my eyes giving into my helpless ways to turn and face Jacob as he put the car in park. His eyes remained forward, slightly tensing when he felt my gaze fall on the side of his stunning face.

"Jacob—" With one last tender beg to somehow fix all the broken pieces in the connection between us, I spoke his name with as much emotion and affection I could muster with a dry throat and the faint taste of vomit in my mouth.

His thick fingers drummed against the steering wheel which looked too small against his large hands, as if impatiently waiting for me to get out.

Hint taken.

I turned, tears already beginning to spill out of my searing ducts, pushing open the too heavy door.

Jake's faint and distant voice stopped me, "I want you to know that I did save you. Not when it counted, of course…but after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again…do something different; stop you from going to Italy, have met up with you earlier before you jumped off the cliffs. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways…Every night I'd save you.

But I guess none of that mattered."

Despite his cryptic sentence, I knew what he meant; that for two years he carried the blame of my presumed death around like a weight on his shoulders, and as much as it plagued him it was all worth nothing…because I was alive. I couldn't turn back around to face him. I was out of the car in a flash, running up the four stone steps leading to the black door. I went to twist the doorknob, needing to get inside and collapse into a hazy sleep.

But – since fate was deciding to screw with me today – the door didn't budge, the lock keeping me out. I had left the house earlier with Charlie and Jacob, not even bothering to bring my bag or my keys with me.

"No, no, no…" I pleaded. With all the force I could assemble from my deprived body, I began to try and shake the stupid thing open.

And now, as I leaned against the door quietly sobbing and cursing every which thing I could think of, I was stuck with an ultimatum when all I wanted was to curl up in the bed I hadn't slept in for two years and sleep for the rest of eternity. Is that really too much to ask?

This day just continued to drag on.

* * *

_A/N: Those of you who have reviewed have made me the happiest person evereverever! (: Ah, I loved reading what all you guys had to say and I hope you keep leaving me some more reviews! I tried to write this out quickly for you but…  
Err, it was tough to write…but in a good kinda way. Hope you enjoyed it!_

_You'll start to notice a shift in the characters. Jacob's going to be much darker. And, please…try not to hate Bella. I'm hoping once you find out what happened you'll have some sympathy for her. Right now you're just being biased.(: Now review and make me the happiest person alive (:  
Anyone wanna take a guess at where Bella's been and why?  
Follow me on twitter! (link of profile)._


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4 "Kiss of Death?"

A clash of thunder cued the hymn of rain, as if today couldn't already be any more disastrous.

I know I _should_ consider all these twists and turns of my eventful day to be dire, but I couldn't help admitting that it had been one of the most liberating, intoxicating days of my life in two years. I was here, in Forks, and had already mentally prepared myself for the drama I was sure to evoke.

But did everything – mother nature included – have to ban against me? I wasn't some evil person who needed to be punished by karma for her lack of better judgment.

Though the mantra of the rain steadily beating against the planks of the porch in unison with my heart beat obscured most of my hearing, the familiar rumble of Jacob's camaro could no longer be heard. I guess I deserved to be abandoned out here. It shouldn't have surprised me nor caused my heart to falter like it so rightfully did.

In anger – not at the door but the day itself – my foot connected with the door in weak, half attempts to somehow pry the stupid thing open. It was only seconds later during my pointless tirade that I felt a hand at my side, pushing me out of the way. His touch wasn't gentle or tough, but careless, causing me to stumble.

Too fast for my austere, human eyes to process, Jacob slipped what seemed to be his own set of keys into the doorknob and shoved it open, a loud bang reverberating off of the inside wall as an aftershock. He motioned for me to go inside while I blinked up at him in a quiet dismay.

A volt of lightening startled me from the shock of seeing him standing there, nonetheless having a key to my house. I quickly shuffled inside, running a hand through my slightly dampened hair as my eyes squinted through the bright, fluorescent lights flickering to life to illuminate the kitchen.

Just then I heard the door softly shutting before Jake's footsteps echoed down the narrow hallway.

Oh, sure…Just come on in….

_You realize this is probably more his house than yours? He's the one with the set of keys…._

Mmm touché.

I couldn't decide whether I was more elated or annoyed that he followed me inside. And right now I wouldn't allow myself to find an answer to that. Not daring to turn back around and face him, I began to skirt around my kitchen in search of a tea bag, my dry and throbbing throat practically voicing its plea for some sort of relief to me.

In a motion of complete frustrated, I threw open a cabinet door where the mugs used to sit to find it now containing plates and pans. With a huff I began sifting through all the cabinets, coming upon a coffee mug that was placed where the spices and cookbooks used to be, but in no place could I find the tea bags. God fucking dammit.

"Sit." Jacob's voice sliced through the thick air of the room, causing me to stiffen. Throughout my frustrated quest, I was almost able to forget his looming presence in the too small kitchen. Almost.

Having no stamina to protest because I really, really wanted tea, I took his advice. I sat in one of the two wooden stools placed around the island counter in the center of the opaque kitchen, rubbing a shaky hand over my eyes before they slowly opened to find Jacob looking down at me from the opposite side of the counter with intense eyes.

With a grumbled sigh, he lazily tossed his keys onto the tile in front of me before opening the cabinet above the sink and pulling out a box of tea bags.

Well, never thought to look there…

"Black, green or white tea?" Jacob's growl of a voice sent chills down my spine.

I leaned my fevered, clammy forehead down to connect with the cool, marble countertop. "Surprise me," I murmured in a rasp, a sigh in my voice, turning so that it was now my cheek pressing against the tile.

There was a brief uncomfortable silence as I tried to gather myself and push my suddenly heavy head back up. The clattering of pans and the dripping of water into the kettle rang too loudly in my ears. If I hadn't known better, it would have felt like I was hung over.

Once I was back to sitting straight up, I found Jake's onyx eyes looking straight at me again. I shifted in the chair uncomfortably, a bundle of butterflies spreading through my body while I adverted my eyes to look down at his keys, my eyebrows furrowing in question to why he had a key to Charlie's house.

Apparently, the look on my face didn't go unnoticed.

"I used to come around here a lot. Charlie figured it'd be more convenient to just give me my own damn key…. Your father can be a lazy old man sometimes." It was evident his last statement was meant to try and ease some of the high tension, but nothing felt tangible enough to break the rabid, burning heat textured in the room.

"Oh," I whispered out. In vengeance to my mind, my eyes raised to hold Jake's and drink in the sight of him as he seemed to be doing to me. The 'used to' part of his sentence caused me to wonder what exactly that implied. Did he not come around anymore? Did something happen between him and Charlie? Was that why my dad was so abrasive when he first saw Jacob here earlier?

Jacob's mouth was set into a hard line as he leaned back against the counter, crossing both his arms and ankles as the sound of the water in the kettle bubbling settled in a thick air above the room.

"You look older." The words fell from my lips in a gentle murmur. A flush formed my cheeks when I realized that I had said those words out loud instead of just voicing it inside my head. But in truth, he really did look older; I was under the impression the pack didn't age while they spent their time phasing?

The hollow below his cheekbones looked deeper as his eyes more abstract. A man. No longer the uncertain boy I knew.

His dry chuckle cut off my thought process, "So do you," he replied, licking his two lips.

Before another awkward silence could consume us, the buzzing of a phone sounded off. I watched with hooded eyes as Jake dug into one of his pockets to pull out a rather shiny, expensive looking phone to hold it to his ear.

"Hello?" his husky voice made my insides quiver as his eyes remained locked securely onto mine; too intimately to break away from.

There was a muffled, female voice on the other end of the line.

"Yeah, yeah…I know, sorry—" he huffed a breath, "I'm at Charlie's." The voice on the other end rose to a slight yell.

Just then the kettle behind Jake began to steam and screech as it reached boiling point.

"Ness, calm down. Look, I gotta go…" Pause, "Mm…sure, sure. Yeah, you too…Bye."

Jacob broke my gaze to turn around to switch the stove off and pour the water into a mug. I had to bite back a witty and sarcastic 'well she seems nice' comment about Vanessa. I was feeling too judgmental and even a bit jealous of her. But could you blame me, especially after the way she treated me at Sue's?

I lowered my drowsy eyes to the counter, and a minute later a steaming mug was placed on the counter directly beneath my gaze.

"White and green tea mix, one spoon of sugar. Your favorite," Jake muttered with a rough edge, causing me to flinch as I cupped my chilled hands around the mug and brought it gingerly to my lips. Instantly I moaned at the contact of the warm fluid against my paper dry throat. Finally some relief.

And yeah, it was my favorite.

"Um…thanks," I hesitated my response when I found Jake had gone back to staring at me with intense eyes.

Suddenly all the pent up emotion from the day jolted through me, "What?" I snapped as his eyes tightened and a crease formed between his two, furrowed eyebrows.

"You're just gonna sit there and not give me any answers to where you've been the past two fucking years?" A growl rumbled through him as his two, taut arms twitched.

My shoulders stiffened, "What, you think an explanation will help, that it will make things easier for you?" My voice came off bitter. Couldn't we just rejoice in happiness and deal with questions and explanations later? It wasn't as easy as everyone was making it out to be; that somehow an explanation would fix and solidify all the tattered holes and damage I left behind.

None of them were going to like what they wanted so badly to hear.

In another flash, everything changed. The grating of the chair on the linoleum followed by Jacob's close presence all happened in a blur. Suddenly Jake had moved the stool so I was sitting with my back now against the counter with his arms on either side me, gripping the counter for support as he leaned down so we became eye level. Only a few inches of space separated us.

I was trapped inside of his arms and beneath his fuming gaze. His nostrils flared with each breath his chest heaved, his eyes had glazed over to the black intruder as he snarled, "How the_ fuck_ do you get off saying that?"

This wasn't the Jacob I knew. Even in a matter of hours I picked up on the difference of his personalities and how easily he slipped into them; when his eyes were a soft, golden brown he was back to the Jake I knew and loved. And this, when his eyes were stark black, this was a person I didn't recognize. Didn't want to recognize.

"Who are you?" I whispered in a small voice as tears swarmed my cheeks. How was I even able to produce any more tears after everything today?

There was a long silence as Jake's chest heaved between us and the muscles in his neck and jaw tensed and protruded. With timid hands, I skeptically lifted them to brush my fingers over his cheeks, along his jaw, across his stone set eyebrows…

He remained frozen, lifeless. Not even acknowledging my touch on his skin. His murky eyes didn't even blink or flicker with recognition. I continued to skim my fingers over his face, letting my thumbs hitch the dark circles under his eyes before moving down to his puckered lips.

For a moment I thought that maybe he hadn't heard me and that maybe he was waiting for an answer to his previous question. One that I couldn't provide. But then, I felt the lightest graze of him leaning into my touch.

"The person you changed me into."

His reply was morbid, brutally honest. Whatever part of my heart that hadn't already been shattered just joined the other shards on the floor.

Then his forehead fell heavily to my shoulder in unison with his arms wrapping around my midsection. My arms hitched around his neck to hold him there as I fought to keep my lips pursed and eyes squeezed shut to prevent the heart breaking emotion stirred up from his words. I wasn't going to allow myself this weak moment when Jake needed the comforting because of my choices. Because of my mistakes.

"Christ Bella, I thought you were a bloodsucker. It messed me up real bad…." His voiced sounded so empty. The kind of emptiness that echoed the way I used to speak and act all those years ago when Edward had left.

I couldn't reply, because the moment I opened my lips would be the moment more sobs wrecked through my body. My throat was painfully burning and tightening around the lump of emotion forcing its way through me like a thousand tiny knives.

The only comfort I could supply was by soothingly rubbing his neck and shoulders as I felt his body gradually relax into my arms.

We held that position for a few minutes, both of us trying to prevent all our pent up emotion.

Jake's lips mindlessly brushed over the skin at my neck, "I should get going…," he whispered in a croaky voice, yet made no move to leave my arms.

Instinctively I gripped him tighter. "Stay," I breathed out, only some of the emotion I was somehow managing to suppress passed my lips in a hiccup of a sob. This was the Jacob I knew, the one I remembered. I wasn't so willing to let him go, not knowing if he'd ever make a reappearance anytime soon.

I couldn't give that up.

Almost instantly he replied with a nod into my neck before slowly pulling back so that his softened eyes could get a read on mine. I managed to scoot off the stool and stand in the small place between our bodies on shaky legs with wobbly knees. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, or maybe it was. But I wasn't about to allow my over rationalized brain to pick apart my decision and leave me second guessing it.

This was what I wanted.

I found one of his over sized hands in one of mine, gently brushing my thumb across the callous of his knuckles before I turned to make my way up the stairs, towing Jacob along. Once in the dark shadows of my room, I left him there before I grabbed a pile of clothes and padded down the hallway into the bathroom. I tossed on a pair of oversized sweats and a too big t-shirt before splashing cold water on my face. The face looking back at was nothing more than a ghost of who I used to be.

After brushing the hell out of my teeth to get rid of the vomit taste that seemed to make my mouth its permanent home throughout the day, I nervously headed back into my room to find Jake sitting at the edge of my bed, his head hung with hunched shoulders.

Suddenly I felt unsure, fearing that he had switched back to the darker, intruder before. Standing in front of him, I gingerly took one of his hands in my own, noticing it was trembling. His eyes met mine, his face contorted into apprehension and even slight fear. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was sucking in when his eyes hooked mine and I saw that they were still his beautiful, golden brown.

Both of my hands wrapped firmly around one of his, trying to suppress the quaking, "Jake, why are your hands always trembling?" I whispered quietly, almost too afraid any question I'd ask him would set him off and My Jacob would be gone.

He mumbled a few words that resembled "withdrawal" and "stupid" under his breath.

"Do you want some medicine? Tylenol or…or something?" I stammered over my words, my heart beat jumping too loudly between our pulsating bodies.

His head shook carelessly, "No…it'll go away after awhile…. Just…distract me…." The last part of his sentence echoed more like a plea than an offer. The way his voice sounded pained caused tears to burn my eyes as my heart ached for him.

And I wanted to take away that pain.

Like a simple switch, I was able to turn off the rational side of my brain practically screaming its opinion at me. I didn't want to think rationally anymore; about what was best and what would do the greater good for the future. No, I wouldn't continue to think like I had for two years.

That was the safe way to live. The wrong way. The way I lived for 772 days, ending today.

I wanted to only think about the right now. I wanted this moment.

With a slight hesitancy, I leaned forward so that my forehead was resting on Jake's, who was close to eye level with me from sitting on the corner of my bed, the mattress sinking in under his weight. In any other situation, the way we were so intently staring into each other's eyes would have been awkward or too intrusive. But for us it was intimate, sacred.

Our breath mingled, mine a sweet mint and his a supple fire. The thoughts of 'this is too soon', 'what if he pushes me away', and 'what the fuck am I thinking' were all tucked away to be dealt with during a different time, a different place.

I just wanted to live in the now instead of getting caught up in the future. The one I tried to control for two years with feeble attempts.

All it took was a slight tilt of my head for our lips to just barely brush. Jacob's uncertainty was tangible enough to feel as he remained frozen in time. I skimmed my lips across his one last time, fearing the rejection I was sure to receive. Was I sane to think that for two years he carried on his lust for me? But then those thoughts were left thin as if almost on cue, Jake's hands gripped my hips in a gentle yet firm grasp before his lips responded shakily over mine.

A lick of fire burned the inside of my mouth, his fiery breath almost too hot as my lips parted to take him in. The fire ignited in my stomach, in my lungs…surging a splurge of wildfire through me until a throbbing heat settled at the center between my thighs.

The softness of his lips compared to the rough, contoured muscles of his chest under my hands was oddly disorienting. Nothing about the kiss was primal or greedy; it was slow, with a certain passion that spoke of love and longing. His tongue trailed my lower lip as he pulled me into his lap, securing me so that my legs straddled either side of him and so that our hips were rubbing.

Our tongues met shyly, causing a groan to form at the feeling of my mouth being scorched alive in the epitome of what a heated kiss was meant to be. Our tongues then danced leisurely, exploring in sensual movements with no quest for dominance. It was everything it should have been two years ago.

Just as soon as it began, it ended. Jacob pulled back, my lips staying slightly parted as he placed a tender peck to them before he traced his own down my jaw, dragging them along my neck where he reined wet kisses, branding me with what felt like a third degree burn.

My mouth was still ablaze, my eyes closed in satiation.

He found my lips once more, for one last longing kiss that spoke of a thousand words. As that ended and Jake pulled back to look into my eyes, he searched for something that I was scared he'd find; answers to questions. His rimmed eyes were lined with tears as he helplessly clutched me closer to him.

Just like earlier in the day when Jacob had first seen me, and just like how it had always been between us two years ago, no words needed to be exchanged.

In blithe movements, our positions had changed so that we were now lying on my bed, facing each other on our sides. His face moved under my chin, to the secure spot of my neck he had made home throughout the day. My hands on the back of his neck held him there as his arms wrapped around my waist like a vice to anchor me.

And maybe it was wrong, to be here like this. But nothing else could have felt more right.

Whether it be my state of emotional and mental exhaustion or the comfort of being in Jake's arms, I was asleep in minutes.

* * *

Muffled voices and the too loud chirping of birds outside stirred me from the shockingly peaceful sleep I had received. Something in the sound of a moan and a whine passed my lips at the bright light shining through my window as my lips puckered at the dry, awful taste in my mouth.

Blinking with recognition, I glanced at the clock to see it nearing ten in the morning. The spot on the side of the bed where Jacob had slept was empty, not that it should have surprised me. I stared at the indents in the bed from where his body had been, wondering if this all – including last night – had been some ploy of my imagination.

One of my hands floated across the sheets, noticing his spot was still seeping warmth.

I bolted up right to glance around the room with some farfetched idea that he was sitting somewhere watching me. Guess that instinctual move clarified I had spent way too much time with Edward.

The muffled voices downstairs continued to echo through the floorboards of my room. I fell back on my bed, rubbing a hand over my sleep crested eyes. Initially I had intended to stay hidden in here all day, fearing 'the talk' Charlie wanted to have. But I couldn't imagine what kind of bashing he was giving Jake. It was only evident he caught him in my room early this morning.

Suddenly I felt eighteen again.

Quickly I stood to threw on a pair of shorts to swap out for the sweats I was wearing. A thin line of perspiration coated my forehead from what I could only imagine was sleeping next to a werewolf man.

Once I had gotten to the bottom of the stairs leading into the kitchen, I immediately regretted my decision. I would have turned around and ran straight back up stairs if all five pairs of eyes didn't land straight on me like some weird, sonar detector.

"Bells, you look like a mess," my dad greeted with a throaty chuckle and a slight smile. Consciously I drew a hand through my tangled hair, running my fingers through it with a flush on my cheeks. If I knew there was going to be some breakfast gathering in my kitchen in the morning, I would have at least tried to look more decent and less haggard.

"Good morning to you too," I mumbled as Charlie chuckled and winked at me. My heart instantly warmed to see how…happy my dad seemed to be.

I beelined straight for the coffee, ignoring the other glances from Ali, Collin, Vanessa and Jake.

"Morning sis." I froze in my steps as Collin, who was sitting at the stool I previously sat in last night, grinned at me. "Well, you know…soon-to-be-sis," he laughed as he plopped a whole sausage into his mouth.

"Yeah, sure, right…." I fumbled as I gripped my coffee mug, "'Morning to you, too…." I tried my best to give the kid a half smile, but because of the heated stars coming from both Jake and Nessa – who was, of course, seated in his lap at the kitchen table – it was hard to accomplish and came off half-ass.

Ali and Charlie stood around the stove, cooking up what looked to be blueberry pancakes.

"So, Bella…its Sunday," Charlie mumbled, catching my gaze.

"Mmmhm…," I hummed, wondering what he was getting at as I sipped my coffee and thought of an appropriate way to make an escape. Fake that I wasn't feeling well? Tell them I'll be right back but stay hidden in my room? Make a run for it?

There was silence until Ali cleared her voice and spoke up, "We're going to church."

I almost choked on the liquid in my throat. Church and Charlie? The man had never said grace a day in his life!

"Oh, right…well you guys have fun," I replied, turning to head up the stairs.

I managed to get to the first step when my dad stopped me in my tracks, "We'd all appreciate it if you joined us, honey."

Yeah, I'm sure you _all_ would just like that….

How could I turn down the hopefulness in his voice? I turned to look over my shoulder at Charlie, pointedly ignoring Jacob and Nessa, "Umm…yeah, sure sure." Well, dammit. "I'll just go get ready," I quickly added, hoping no one would notice the Jake-ism I mumbled out. I took off up the stairs. If this had been a different situation two years ago, I would have tripped and spilled the coffee all down my front.

"Be ready in thirty minutes!" Charlie's voice echoed up the stair well.

And, precisely twenty five minutes later, I came trudging down the stairs with less enthusiasm than before. After the initial, "What does one where to Church?" question, I opted for a pair of black leggings and a grey tank that flared at my hips and covered my very non-existent butt. I was going for more comfy and casual rather than dressed to impress.

"I call shotgun!" Collin bounced on the balls of his feet as I entered to the kitchen where they all seemed to be waiting for me.

"You know I always get shotgun, idiot," Nessa spoke, shooting her brother a glare. Her voice held a bit of a rasp, nothing like I had expected. While everyone grabbed their shoes and placed their plates in the sink, I tried to take a few bites off of the leftover pancakes, my growling stomach not allowing me to go meal-less for any longer.

Charlie came up behind me, his hand on my shoulder causing me to flinch, "We're gonna head down there in two cars, kiddo. Can't fit all of us in one. Why don't you drive with the kids, bond a little?"

My jaw hit the floor with my stomach. So much for thinking he was the nice guy. Sure, go ahead…throw me in with the herd of 'em.

He patted my shoulder at the pained expression on my face, "We're still gonna have that talk later today, alright?" I sighed at the reminder.

"Sure, dad," I muttered as he placed a kiss on my forehead before grabbing the keys to his cruiser.

A few minutes later I was being squeezed, once again, into the back of Jake's camaro. Collin was back there with me – Nessa getting shotgun 'as she always did' – and because of his massive size, it left little to no space for me.

"So, Bella…whatchu doing tomorrow?" Collin broke the awkward silence five minutes later during our descent down to La Push. Apparently, this church service we were headed to was some sort of tribal, Quileute church that not only preached Christianity, but focused on the ways of their ancestors. And apparently, the whole pack and their families in tow would be there, too.

Was that a trick question? I eyed him, trying my best to be personal and social and 'bond' like Charlie had advised.

"Well, tomorrow's my seventeenth birthday and there's gonna be a party down at my house in La Push. You should come! No grownups," he elbowed me with a wink.

Ah, as if that would be the winning factor to sway my decision. Wasn't I practically considered a 'grownup' already?

I caught Jake's eyes on me in the rearview mirror, also taking note that his arm was stretched across to Vanessa's lap. I felt a slight twinge of…hurt? Jealousy? Embarrassment?

"Yeah, sounds like fun," I turned to smile at Collin who replied with a grin.

"Sweet!"

For the next few miles it was silent. Just like last night, Jake continued to constantly flicker his gaze to the rearview mirror and look directly at me with hooded eyes. It was hard to ignore, despite my attempts, and despite last night.

Collin, of course, was the one to break the silence yet again, "So, Jake…what were you doing over at Charlie's so early this morning?" He seemed genuinely oblivious.

Nessa, on the other hand…"Yeah, what _were_ you doing over there so early, sweetie?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window, waiting for whatever excuse he was bound to come up with.

"I slept over, actually."

There was a long pause of silence.

"Huh…ohhh, were you—" before Collin could finish whatever question he intended to ask, Jake cut him off.

"Don't you dare say another word," His voice dripped with acid and control. It shut Collin up, who immediately sank back into his seat like he'd just been given an…Alpha order.

My eyes croaked open to see Vanessa's hand rubbing along Jake's arm, near the crease at his elbow.

Was he _what_? I wanted to scream out the question, becoming completely fed up with first Charlie's secretive message yesterday towards Jake and now Collin's.

Yet truthfully, half of me was too scared to find out.

We arrived a few minutes later in front of a small building, words written in the front in Quileute with two giant, wooden carved wolves sitting near the double wide swinging doors. As soon as we were parked, Jacob practically ran out of the car and towards the building other families were strolling more leisurely into. Vanessa quickly took off after him, but not before she sent me a scowl over her shoulder on her gorgeous features.

Collin mumbled a few curses under his breath as he helped me from the car, "So what was that about?" I asked, trying my best to somehow coax him into telling me. Curiosity outweighed my fear in that moment.

"Jake will literally cut my dick off and slit my throat if I tell you. Sorry, sis. He's always listening," he tapped two fingers to his head before he patted the top of my own and ruffled my hair before taking off in the direction of a group of ditsy looking girls.

I turned in a circle, suddenly feeling alone as I tried to find my dad. Or hell, even Billy. Someone who would give me the time of day.

"Bella!" Quil was motioning for me from the entrance of the wooden church, a loopy grin on his face.

He waited for me to make my way over towards him before he pulled me along inside and towards a row of chairs in the back of the room; the same little girl Claire was already there with what looked to be her mother at her side.

Quil beckoned for me to take the last empty seat at his left, leaving me in the aisle. He greeted both Claire and her mother with a kiss to a forehead before he turned to face me, "How're you doing?"

A smile formed my lips, relieved that I wasn't stuck having to sit with Jake and Nessa a few rows up. "Better now," I let out a small laugh as he grinned in returned.

"So, what's new with you?" He rolled the conversation along, tossing an arm over my shoulders, all the while looking sneaky.

"Oh, you're so sly," I gave him a slight eye roll, realizing he was trying to pry information out of me, "Let's not talk about me. What's been going on around here, anything new?" I tried to swing the conversation in a different direction.

He took it.

I followed his gaze as he leaned slightly closer to me to look across the room at Sam and Emily, Levi in her arms, "Well…Sam gave up phasing. Y'know, 'cause he has a family and everything. But it's taken him about a year, he still does every once and awhile. It's like drugs—" he cut himself off before rephrasing, "It's like quitting smoking cigarettes cold turkey. It's addicting and you can't just decide to stop doing it one day and have it be gone like that," he snapped his fingers. I nodded my head slowly, understanding. It was noble, really…for him to give that up. Especially with what had happened to the right side of Emily's beautiful face…

"So, who's Alpha?" I whispered, aware of the families surrounding us.

"Take a wild guess."

"Jacob." Quil's head nodded as he let out a throat chuckle. I guess the confirmed my prior thought in the car ride over here.

"For a little while there we went Alpha-less…some shit was going on and then as of a few months ago Jake stood up to the plate," Quil explained, his face puckering as he talked about the 'shit' that was going on.

His gaze then trailed to Paul and Rachel next, "Rach and Paul have been dating for almost a year. Jake was so fucking pissed about it," he seemed to chuckle at the memory, "Those two are like two peas in a pod. You remember her, don't you? Well…she's gotten a bit bitchier. Almost as bitchy as Leah," he snorted with laughter. I didn't quite get the joke.

"Hmmm…" he trailed his gaze next to Kim and Jared, "Jared and Kim have been together for almost two years, just a little while after you left." He leaned back in his chair, shrugging, "Anyways, not much has changed. The pack is fucking huge though, we can't figure out why. There haven't been any leeches around but…," he shrugged once more, his voice lowering to a whisper amongst the other conversations in the room.

"Is she your sister?" I asked, nodding my head in the direction of Claire.

A smile – a very loving, real smile – formed Quil's lips as he shook his head, "Nah. It's complicated," he explained before leaning down to whisper in my ear, "Did Jake ever tell you about imprinting?"

Maybe he had, maybe he hadn't…but my mind was too boggled to remember, "Nope," I replied, keeping my voice at a whisper like he had, "What is it?"

Something shined in his two hazel eyes as he pursed his lips before returning back down to whisper secretively in my ear, "Just some freakish, werewolf stuff…."

At the same time, both of our eyes turned to catch Jacob staring at us from across the room. He looked primal, animal like. Quil was quick to remove his arm from around my shoulder and clear his throat.

From whatever the look in Jake's eyes was portraying, it was enough to change the previously flamboyant Quil into a muted, silent mess at my side.

* * *

_A/N: Ohhh I could kiss every single one of you who have reviewed ! Good lord. Thank you guys so much, you make me grin & giggle(:  
Now you have two things to ponder over; where Bella's been and what happened to Jake. Dun dun dun…Okay now guess at what's been going on with poor Jakey (:  
Hopefully this chappy was a bit lighter. Hope you enjoyed it (: Let me know what you think? Oh, and I realize some of you might be confused on a few things with the pack. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING will be explained. Promises x  
_


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5 "Confrontation"

"Sooo…how 'bout it?"

The last hour and a half had gone by surprisingly – oddly – painless and brisk. I had, full heartedly, intended to pay attention to the sermon due to my mild curiosity to learn more about the Quileute heritage. But one thing led to another and before I knew it my mind had slipped focus.

At one point I was cautiously paying attention to old Quil Ateara Senior talking in a paper thin voice, and then my mind wandered to its own world. The last thing I remembered was hearing Quil Sr.'s scratched with age voice croaking through the small room as everyone leaned slightly forward to catch his whispers. He was talking about some…spirit man or spirit warriors. Something along those lines.

And now, an hour and a half later, I couldn't remember one single detail other than the spirit warriors. Or was it spirit man?

I found my eyes constantly flicking to the back of Jacob's head during that hour. It seemed as if he could sense my irises on him, because each time I found them gluing the same spot on the back of his head, he would shift uncomfortably and rub a hand against the bare skin at the base of his neck.

It was almost becoming a game.

The two thoughts penetrating my mind were, rightfully, Jacob and the conversation I'd shortly be having with Charlie. Should I keep out the real heavy parts of the story and focus on a half-assed version? Or give it to him whole? I wasn't even sure if I'd even be able to form those words, let alone live with myself for admitting my faults.

"Hello? Earth to Bella," Quil's large hand flittered in front of my withdrawn eyes.

I was now staring up at the face of Quil, who was unsuccessfully trying to pout and give me puppy dog eyes while I blinked with recognition to his first question.

"Sorry. I…uh…I don't think I'm even gonna go," I mumbled in response as we headed after the crowd all retreating from the suddenly claustrophobic feeling tribal church.

"Awwww, c'mon…it'll be fun…don't be such a debby downer," he smirked at me with a chuckle before nudging his side into mine.

If I wasn't able to survive dinner at Sue's, how the hell was I going to survive Collin's party? Parties were never my thing; too much social interaction and throwing yourself out there for my likings. Couldn't I just enjoy a nice, quiet night in?

"Look, let's just go together. Other kids from Collin's school will be there, so it won't be some pack thing," Quil continued to try and encourage me into being his 'date' to Collin's party with 'no strings attached'.

At first, I was a bit hesitant. Especially since he wanted to go together, but I could see something in his eyes…like there was already someone else for him. And to be honest, there was already someone else for me too.

An exaggerated whine passed my lips, "Okay fine…," I muttered, showing my bare to minimum enthusiasm.

"Damn, I thought you were gonna be so much harder to crack! Anyways, be ready by seven tomorrow night, I'll pick you up." He turned after flashing me a smile and then jogged off towards where the little girl Claire and her mom were waiting for him. I was left with my mouth agape, staring off after him.

This was gradually beginning to sound like a date.

Charlie called for my attention, motioning me to get in the passenger's side of his cruiser as he waved goodbye to Ali and her kids retreating into Jake's camaro.

The first five minutes of the drive was filled with nothing but silence. It wasn't hard to pick up on Charlie's hesitance, and it definitely wasn't hard to pick up on my nervousness.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't know what I'm supposed to tell him.

Charlie cleared his voice and kept his eyes glued to the passing road, "I understand this is tough for you, Bells. So I'll go first."

My whole body felt momentarily relieved. For now.

"Well, let's see…" he drawled on, trying to gather his thoughts, "It was about six months after you had…er…left, that I met Ali. I was down at the station one day, a deputy had just brought a kid in for arsenal and fighting. I was questioning him, figuring out how to handle the situation, you know? He was young at the time, only fourteen…

That's when Ali came in to pick up Collin. Turns out that was him who I was interrogating. The kid used to be involved with the wrong crowd of kids at school. The pack straightened him out though. After that, there were papers and cases to figure out with what to do with Collin. Ali and I started seeing each other about a month later, she promised to pay for all the damages to the old shack Collin had burnt down and to the family whose son he beat up pretty good.

A few months into our relationship, I was headed over to Ali's house to check on the kids. She was out of town on business – she's an interior designer – and left Collin and Ness alone for two days. Collin wasn't feeling well, he was outback arguing with Nessa who was trying to get him back inside. The kid was running such a high fever. I was ready to take him in to the hospital…" he murmured in memory as we entered into Forks.

"Then all of a sudden Collin took off running towards the forest, yelling at us that he needed to be alone. I thought he was on something. And midstride he phased, I practically had a fucking heart attack. Not to mention Nessa who was screaming in fear. We both had no idea what was going on! He continued running into the forest now as a wolf, I could hear other howls from the pack and was just so stunned I didn't know what to do!

So, I called Billy…I didn't know who else to talk to about it. Not like I could call the police. Ness and I were completely shocked and confused. Billy came over then and told us the story about the Quileute tribe and about the pack. No wonder Jake was always growin' so much and starting to look like the hulk. I had my suspicions, but never anythin' about him being a werewolf," Charlie chuckled under his breath, seeming completely at ease with the simple fact. Just like I was when I found out.

"I was more worried about what to tell Ali 'bout her son. Turns out she already knew. Her great great grandfather was the original leader of the council; he was there the first time the pack was created. After that, each member of her family has been head of the elder's council which Billy is a part of too. None of her family is alive except for her, so she's taken over the position due to her bloodline. She didn't think Colin would phase, he was just so young at the time…

Anyways, we dealt with that for a few months and I started attending more meetings with the pack during their annual bonfires. It was only a three weeks later that everything was explained to me; about the boys only phasing when there are vampires around, about the Cullens…" his teeth gritted as his lips pulled back into a sneer.

"Look, I'm not even going to try and begin to understand why you disappeared with them or why you even trusted those vampires in the first place, because I never will. But I know all about 'em…" he trailed off, casting a look out the window as we pulled into the drive way.

"So, like I told you yesterday, I proposed to Ali a few months ago. She was there for me during the worst time when you were gone, and she makes me incredibly happy. Not to mention she's a great cook," he chuckled as we exited the cruiser, "We haven't made plans for a wedding yet. There are still some things we need to figure out. But I'll probably be looking to sell this house and move in with her…" he hinted, as if asking my permission.

"Well, I was uh…thinking about getting a place of my own. Maybe in Port Angeles or something," I shrugged, not wanting him to halt his plans all because of me.

Charlie's head slowly nodded as we walked inside, him motioning for me to take a seat on the couch. I sat rigidly still, looking down at my hands curled together in my lap.

"Not much else has changed around here, kiddo. Your mom makes a visit up here every few months or so. But, everything is still pretty much the same." Yeah. Right.

He remained silent as he seated himself in the lazy boy across from me, silently encouraging me to now explain my side of the last two years. If only it was as easy and painless as his story with a happy ending…

I stared chewing on the nail of my forefinger, all the thoughts and memories of the past two years that had been decimated during my two days here all came tumbling out.

"Look, dad…there are a few things I won't be able to explain, not until I'm ready…" My voice broke callously as I steadied myself with a deep gulp of fresh air, "The reasons behind what I did…why I stayed away…I…I just can't talk about right now. Maybe, maybe overtime…just, please understand…" I didn't give him time to respond before I started explaining.

"For the first four months after I left I was with the Cullen's up in Alaska. Then…then after that I left them. They gave me a car and money to help. Don't hate them Charlie, they were really just trying to help me…Carlisle even managed to help me get my GED since I missed the last few months of my senior year…" I muttered, my eyes staying glued to my hands.

"I drove down through Canada and into Billings, Montana. I stayed there for awhile, traded the car in for something cheaper so I could get extra cash and then I bought a small apartment and got a job at a diner. I stayed there for about ten months, and just worked…then I decided to move closer to Sandpoint, Idaho because…" Because of some small, twisted hope that someone from Forks, someone from the pack, would stumbled in to the small café off the side of the freeway I worked at. Because then I would have reason enough to return home without it being because of my weakness, but because of fate.

"Because…I wanted to be closer to home. And then…then I just couldn't stand being away any longer and so I came back…I know you probably…hate me or think I'm stupid and immature, and you deserve to think that…but…but it was what I had to do." I couldn't tell him the reason. I couldn't watch the expression on his face change when I did tell him what my intentions had been.

He would hate me.

I hated myself. I still hate myself. But I would loathe myself even more once I saw Charlie's reaction.

I didn't realize tears were staining my cheeks until Charlie was sitting at my side and rubbing my back.

"Well, all that matters is that you're back, honey. And safe," Charlie hesitated before gently pulling me into a side hug.

Safe. Was I safe?

* * *

The talk had gone reasonably well. At least, that was what Charlie was leading on. Who knew what he was actually thinking; the man had a way of hiding his feelings. Too bad I didn't inherent that gene.

I still had the rest of the day to kill, and only one thing was on my mind.

The kitchen was still a mess with the aftermath of this morning's breakfast. Charlie was sitting in the living room – almost like old times – watching some football game.

"Dad, do you have plans for dinner? Or…is anyone coming over?" I stood in front of the opened fridge, surveying the options of a meal to make for tonight. That is, unless Charlie already had plans. Hell, maybe there was some Sunday family meal and game night to go along with family Church day.

"Nope, just us two tonight, kiddo."

"How 'bout I make us some dinner? What do you want?" It had been awhile since I'd cooked anything. In my time spent in Idaho, it was all cold meals heated up in the microwave and occasionally some raunchy fast food.

Charlie was lost in contemplation for a few seconds, "How about that three layer cheese lasagna you always used to make? Ali's pretty strict on healthy foods, but it can be our little secret."

I laughed, noticing for the first time that he looked a bit slimmer. "I'll see what I can do," I murmured, noting the fridge was stacked full with only healthy ingredients. I fidgeted, my eyes falling to the piece of paper that had everyone's numbers written on it in case of an emergency. Billy's was listed, and I couldn't resist.

It was still too early to start dinner, after all. At least, that was what I was telling myself.

Time to make a call.

Snatching the paper, I made a quick getaway to my room for privacy. It took me a good five minutes to even find my cell phone – eight missed calls, not like I should have been surprised that Edward was over worrying – and then another good ten minutes was spent trying muster up the backbone to actually call.

I hadn't talked to Jake since last night. It was, slowly, driving me mad.

"Hello?" Billy's voice slurred on the other line.

"Hey Billy, its Bella…er…is uh, Jake around?" I wasn't sure where I stood with Billy; he had every right to have a vengeance against me, but I had known him practically all my life. Didn't that detest for something?

"Oh, hello Bella. Jake's not around, sorry hun. Got a pen and paper? I'll give you his cell number…."

Before I even knew what was happening, I bolted up off of my bed and practically flew to my desk. Talk about too much enthusiasm.

After he muttered a few numbers to me and wished me a good day, I returned to sitting on my bed, Indian style with my phone staring up at me.

This time, since it was only apparent Jake would answer or it would go straight to voice mail, I had to build up the courage for a good fifteen minutes. I weighed the pros and cons and the probability of him answering. If I was calling on the house phone, he would recognize the number and ignore my call if he didn't want to talk. But since this cell phone, which I'd never thought would come in handy until now, was a number he didn't know, Jake would answer the phone out of curiosity to who was calling him.

So, odds were he was going to answer. The thought scared yet thrilled me.

Somehow throughout my scattered thoughts, my thumb betrayed me and pressed the dial button. It only took two rings for a male voice to answer. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my throat.

"Hello?"

"Jacob?" Of course it was Jake, I'd recognize his voice anywhere.

"Bella?"

"Uh…yeah…hey," I tried my best to sound casual, which I failed miserably at. There was no 'casual' between us right now.

There was a long silence. I was, quite literally, trembling with nerves.

"How'd you get this number?" He sounded…out of breath, panting a little.

Did he not want me to talk him? "I called your Dad to see if you were around and he gave me this number…um, sorry if you didn't want me—"

"No, no…it's fine," there was a cautious edge hidden in his voice, causing my teeth to gnaw at my lower lip as my fingers picked at the hem of the quilt lying across my bed.

For a moment I couldn't find words, or hell…even remember what I called him to talk about. The fear that I was faced with of having him hang up on me – the speechless girl on the other line – snapped me out of my trance.

"So…we never got a chance to really talk after last night…," I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut in frustration towards my apparently nervous and shaky sounding voice that lately seemed to always fail me.

_This_ should be easy. _This,_ talking to Jake, should be easy, like it always was. And it hurt that it wasn't.

"Yeah, I've been a bit busy…," Jake trailed off, having caught his breath from whatever he was doing.

Right, I'm sure you've just been busy….

"Uh, well do you think maybe we could, I don't know…meet up and talk…or hang out?" I fell onto my side against the bed, wondering why in the hell I sounded like a thirteen year old girl talking to her school crush.

There was, yet again, another long pause.

"I have to get going, Bella. I'm at work…I'll…I'll talk to you later."

And then the line was dead. I stared like a crazy woman at my phone, feeling the slight twinge of rejection buzz through me. Well, he hadn't given me an exact answer, had he?

Five minutes later, after I figured out how exactly a text message operates, I reread the message I planned to send to Jake which I had rewritten approximately seven times and narrowed it down to this;

_Please, Jacob…give me a second chance…I miss you_.

Once I bulked up the courage to press the send button – silently praying he would get it – I tossed my phone to the opposite side of the bed. I needed to distract myself or I'd drive myself crazy over staring at my phone in anticipation of him replying.

If he even would. But I had to try, and I would continue to try until I was shot down.

Food. Dinner. I'll make dinner. That'll be a great distraction.

* * *

Dinner went by in a whimsical blur. Charlie thoroughly enjoyed his filling of carbs and cholesterol in the fatty lasagna I had made. It took me two hours, a lucky – long – distraction.

I was in the middle of cleaning up the kitchen, now hidden under the mess of breakfast and dinner combined, when Charlie spoke up.

"I'll be at the station all day tomorrow, Bells. Are you just gonna stay in?"

"Well…I made plans to go to Collin's party thing…," I mumbled, wiping a dishrag across the pancake stained counter.

"Oh, well that's great honey. I think it'll be good for you to bond with 'em. Plus, I think Collin has a crush on you," he chuckled under his breath as my face fumed in embarrassment.

"That's weird, Charlie. He's like…four years younger than me," I grimaced, remembering my high school time spent as a seventeen year old; new in town, no friends, falling in love with a vampire…

"Jake's two years younger than you," Charlie pointed out in all seriousness. I turned to face him with a look of shock, too stunned to say anything.

"I found him in your room last night, you know…," he finished his prior thought with a half shrug and a smirk.

"Thanks for thinking so highly of me, dad," I grumbled, turning to resume the cleaning.

"Now, now…I didn't mean it like that. I was just making a point," he chuckled before shooting me a wink and then retreating to the living room.

"Oh, and Bells? Ali wants to spend some time with you, have a girl's day. You wouldn't mind goin' out with her and Nessa sometime, would you? It'd mean a lot to me."

Oh, he pulled the whole 'do it for me' card. Great. Just great. I wasn't so opposed to spending time with Ali; she seemed genuinely sweet and caring. But her cunning daughter was a whole different story.

"Sure, sounds like fun," I muttered dryly, hoping he didn't catch the fake sincerity in my voice. I really wanted to do this for him, so I could continue to see him happy without my bitterness getting in the way.

I escaped to my room once more, realizing there was still one thing left to do. I found my cell phone with trembling hands, the red light notifying me I had a text.

_You don't know how much I miss you too, Bella_…

Another indirect answer to my question. God, this man had a way of confusing the hell out of me…yet causing an oddly, joyous smile to form on my lips from his response. But I was still in a stupor nonetheless.

Ignoring the transient feelings and confusion floating through me, I flopped down on my bed, dialing a memorized number into my cell.

With my phone placed to my ear, I laid back on my bed, a hand covering my eyes as the ringing continued until someone answered.

"Hello?" The voice was frantic and high pitched. Typical Renee.

"Hey, mom."

* * *

Monday. What a dreadful day.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I wasn't stuck in some small town in Idaho. It would have been fairytale-esque… if I hadn't agreed to go to a party – aka 'social gathering' – that evening.

Why were they even having a party on a Monday night? Didn't they have school? Oh, right…summer break. Well, I was getting old.

I spent the first half of the day sleeping in. Something about the past two days had drained all amount of energy from me. At least, that was my excuse. The second half of the day once I dragged myself out of bed, ate a huge breakfast then showered, was spent reorganizing my room and unpacking the three small bags I brought with me from Sandpoint.

It was irrational to unpack, since I planned – in the near future – to get a place of my own. But I wanted to get reacquainted with my foreign room, and I desperately did not want to sit around all day thinking about what I was in store for tonight.

Seven o'clock rolled around way too fast. I was a mess. Something was wrong with me; I was getting way too worked up and anxious all over some birthday party. Well, okay…most of that anxiousness wasn't coming from the party itself, though that was a leading factor.

Quil wasn't a minute late, despite my farfetched hopes that he had somehow forgotten our 'plans'. I was so attached to the simple idea that I wouldn't be going that the sound of a car honking out front actually startled me. I realized then that I hadn't even bothered to dress myself or spend time in front of the mirror trying to look cutesy like every other normal girl on the planet.

Why couldn't I be that normal twenty year old woman who enjoyed going to parties and getting all dolled up?

Because I was so flustered and rushed to get dressed, it helped distract the thoughts of where exactly I'd be going and who exactly I might be seeing. I pulled on a pair of shorts – hoping it was as warm outside as it looked – and an oversize black v-neck shirt. It even made me look a bit tan, thanks to the constant sun in Sandpoint that warmed my sickly pale skin.

I made sure to grab my own set of keys to dodge an incident that had happened like last time, as well as my cell phone and the envelope Charlie had ordered me to remember to give to Colin. Sometimes I wondered if my father was more subdued than he led on; he had to realize that this high school party wasn't going to be all innocent fun and games

I was in Quil's old Ford truck a minute later, practically panting from the escapade around my house.

"I was worried you'd flake on me, Bella," Quil chuckled sarcastically before taking off down the road.

I had considered the option of flaking; of calling him and making up an excuse that I was sick or that was…I don't know, grounded or something.

"I really should have driven myself down here," I muttered, looking out the window and into the winding trees parting way for us down the road.

Quil snorted, "Why? That would have been so pointless."

"I have a feeling I won't stay too long. And I don't want to have to drag you away to take me home just because I won't be having fun…," I grumbled, the nerves beginning to kick in with a punch to the gut.

"You just need to relax, Bella. You have nothing to worry about. Well, except maybe Nessa," he chuckled before turning to grin at me.

"Thanks so much for the support," I drawled sarcastically, fidgeting my hands in my lap.

"Just have a few drinks and relax."

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Nope. You-know-who would strangle me. Possibly kill me. I don't want to test him."

My eyes rolled, "Why would he even care? He has a girlfriend," I crinkled my nose, returning my gaze back out the window.

"Bella, has anyone ever told you that not only are you ridiculously stubborn, but you're like…super oblivious too?" he snorted his laughter this time.

Well thanks for pointing that out, Captain obvious.

I ignored the comment, feeling too annoyed to talk about myself, "So is Jacob uh…coming?" I had somehow intended that question to be nonchalant and sly.

I was only kidding myself.

Quil couldn't help but smirk at me, fire dancing behind his eyes, "'Course he will be, well…at least that's what he said. He's sort of expected to be there, being Alpha and all…."

"Oh, right." I was stupidly praying that Vanessa wouldn't be there. Again, I was only kidding myself. It was her little brother's birthday, after all.

There was another long silence as we drove deeper and deeper into La Push, passing most of the residential housing.

"So, who is she?"

"Who is who?" Quil asked, confused by my question as he glanced around himself, looking as if he was missing something.

"The girl that you're in love with," I murmured, watching his features slowly shift from confused to a loving smile. It was so contagious it even made me smile; the twenty year old girl nervous over going to a teenager's party.

"It's complicated," he reminded me with a slight wink as he pulled into a long, circle driveway where about twenty to thirty other cars were parked.

I was briefly too stunned to remember our prior conversation, "How many people are here?" I stared in awe at the lines of cars picketing the house.

"Well…Collin's a pretty popular guy at the rez school. Star player of the basketball team, not to mention he hangs out with a bunch of older guys. Gets him a good rep," he snorted once more before we exited the car.

And then, as if there was even more to be distracted by, I found myself completely awed over something else entirely; my new family's house was precisely the largest, most glorified looking house in all of La Push. Hell, in all of Forks.

Two stories, made out of logs and wood with huge glass windows framing the front. There was a tiled walkway with arch supports with numerous amounts of daisies and daffodils lining it. I was so overwhelmed by the expanse and beauty of it.

"_This_ is Ali's house?" I gaped as Quil led me up the driveway. I couldn't tear my eyes away.

"Yep. We usually call it the party house. The pack spends most their time over here. Ali's really cool 'bout it," he grinned at my expression.

"No wonder Jake's dating Vanessa," I mumbled under my breath, not thinking Quil heard it until he broke into a fit of chuckles. Right, werewolf hearing.

"You know it's not like that," he snickered at my tightened expression.

Well, at least let me think it was, could ya?

I didn't reply as Quil tugged at my forearm and brought me through the wide, oak doors. The house was empty, but the bass of music and the chattering of voices could be heard from out back. Once in the backyard, for the third time in five minutes, I was thrown into another skeptical awe.

There was about two acres of land that made up the clearing, coated with grass before the forest started. On the left side there was a pool and a hot tub; a marble tiling was placed around it accordingly, and on the right there was a basketball court and a spot filled with soft sand with a volleyball net placed strategically in the center of it. Lastly, in the middle of all this, was a large fire pit with many chairs seated around it.

Not to mention, there were at least forty kids there. The pack included. Most of them could be found in the pool with a few, younger looking girls who were probably from Collin's grade.

"Bella! I'm so glad you came!" Collin jogged up to us, a bright smile on his face.

Well, that makes one of us.

"Here, Charlie wanted to give this to you," I handed him the green card which he greedily accepted. After Quil and I both wished him a happy birthday and he muttered something about having to go get more refreshments, Quil tugged me along to a group sitting around the withered campfire.

"I don't think this was such a good idea, Quil…," I whisper pleaded to him, feeling more than out of place.

"Give it a chance. Here, sit down by Kim…she's the nice one. I'm gonna go grab us some drinks. What do you want?"

What drink did I want? Did I even want a drink? Some hope that it would relax my uneasy body had the question already being answered in my head.

"Whatever you're having," I replied meekly before he sat me down in the empty chair next to Kim. She turned to smile warmly at me instantly.

"So, you're the infamous Bella. I've heard a lot about you," her voice was soft and low, causing my ears to strain to catch her words over the chatter of kids and the pumping of music.

I wasn't exactly sure how to reply. I just stared at her, dumbfounded.

"Oh, nothing bad of course. Charlie always used to gush to me about you. He thought we would have been such great friends! I'm into reading and cooking like you are too," she smiled, gulping down the rest of her – what I assumed to be – vodka.

From there we discussed all sorts of things; from Vonnegut to fettuccine carbonara. It was the most normal conversation I had since forever.

At one point I was handed some sort of drink concocted by Quil that tasted of cranberry juice and nail polish remover. My guess was that there was some hard liquor mixed in with it.

Only minutes later did Vanessa come sauntering over, with what looked to be a mischievous grin toying on her lips.

"Hey, Kim. Mind if I talk to Bella?" She bluntly ordered the poor girl away who nodded her head and left her seat to go sit on Jared's lap.

Nessa took her seat, sitting rigidly straight up. The miniscule amount of alcohol I had consumed was enough to scare away the butterflies.

"Look, I'm not here to be a bitch," she mumbled, casting me a glance from the corner of her two icy orbs. She was even more stunning up close.

I had to refrain from rolling my eyes, "You already accomplished that," I assured with a sarcastic wit. I watched her features strain into a scowl.

"Stay away from Jacob." Suddenly she wasn't playing nice any longer.

"You sound insecure with your relationship," I pointed out. Her scowl deepened as she leaned slightly towards me in her chair.

"I said stay away from him," Nessa practically hissed.

"Listen, I honestly really don't care to know you, but I'll have to learn to fucking tolerate you especially since your mom makes me dad so happy. But whatever is going on between me and Jacob, is between _me and Jacob. _Once he tells me to stay away, then I'm gone. Stop whining because nothing you say is going to scare me off." My eyes narrowed in on hers, finally becoming fed up with all of this pathetic nonsense.

Where had this kind of courage been back in high school when I was faced with the ever so charming Jessica and Lauren?

"You should have never come back. Everything was so much fucking easier when everyone thought you were dead," she stood, raking her eyes over me, "Pathetic," she finished before stalking off in the direction of her house.

I found myself more appalled by those last words than the mere fact that she had ordered me to stay away from Jake. That was silly of course, unless…unless…unless Jake really didn't want me around. My eyes frantically searched for him for the first time that night. He was sitting at the opposite end of the fire, his head buried in his hands.

He heard us. Of course he heard us. And he was just…sitting there. Doing nothing except looking miserably broken. The tears that stung my eyes were not from Vanessa's words, because they didn't mean a thing to me, but were from Jacob's reaction. Or lack of reaction. Stupidly I thought he would have at least stood up for me, or even bothered to shoot me an apologetic glance.

But all I had received was nothing. Was this some kind of sick twisted payback?

I set the drink in my hands aside and stood up, feeling like a complete joke. The world around me spun a few times, from either standing up too quickly or drinking down the alcohol in that cup, and my hands clenched into small fists at my sides as I found my center of gravity.

Maybe Vanessa was right. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. What the hell was I even expecting?

After swaying light headedly on my feet, I found Quil only a few seats down, "Quil…I…I need to go home. I'll call Charlie and have him come pick me up," I grumbled, noticing the drink in his hand. I didn't have a death wish. Not today, at least.

"Psh, you're not calling the Chief of police down here." Quil stood, leaving his own drink in the cup holder, "No, no…I'll drive you. I'm not even buzzed, y'know…werewolf high metabolism and all. Besides, there's someone I wanna go see anyways," he gave me a sad smile after what I assumed was seeing the distorted expression on my face.

He must have heard mine and Vanessa's confrontation. The whole pack must have heard. Great. Were they all agreeing with her? That I should have just stayed away?

I felt a million pairs of eyes on my back.

* * *

_A/N: Oh, c'mon…you didn't think I'd give away everything in the past two years with Bella in just one chapter did you? Tsk tsk.  
Honest to god I'm trying to type these chapters up at a quicker pace than normal, you guys make me feel nervous yet giddy at the same time! I've already got next chappy planned out in my head…and I'm intending for it to bring some angst between our loved B & J. Hint hint.  
Hope you enjoyed (: There was a little less Jake in this one but just wait till next chappy…hint hint…again. Some questions will be answered, too.  
By the way, thank you so much for all the reviews! They are my driving force.(:_


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6 "Bells"

The only reverie and escape I could find was to remain hidden under a bundle of blankets in my bed. Who knew what time of day it was, because I certainly didn't. After Quil dropped me off last night, I made a beeline straight for my bed and haven't moved an inch since.

I was perfectly content in staying right exactly here, with the quilt from my bed hiding me from the rest of the world. The downside to this was that I was left with nothing but my tormented and mocking thoughts replaying the scene last night at Collin's party.

Many emotions – enough to drive me schizo – began to fill me up, head to toe. At first I felt the obvious; hurt and betrayal. The picture of Jacob bent over miserably with his head in his hands seemed almost permanently sketched onto the canvas of my eyelids. I came to a conclusion sometime later in the night; I deserved for him to not have bothered to defend me, or hell, even recognize my presence. He didn't owe me anything, and why in the world would he?

_I_ was the one who needed to make up for the past two years. I couldn't sit and wallow in the fact that not only did he have a girlfriend, but his life seemed to have progressed more than I anticipated, though I was sort of hoping for a reception from him like Charlie had given me.

Dear old dad, where would I be without you?

After the feelings of betrayal were replaced with self pity, I began to wallow. Maybe I didn't deserve to feel guilty or miserable for myself, but that's what it came down to; there was no one else to blame.

The sheets were twisted around my legs, binding me to the mattress as I clung to a pillow thrown over my head to keep out the bright light. Speaking of which, my head was throbbing with every heart beat, whether it be from the ounce of alcohol I had consumed last night or the annoyance at myself. Everything little noise seemed multiplied by a hundred.

I was aware enough to know that it was Tuesday, due to the outside world lighting up my room and Charlie peeking his head in on me hours ago to announce he was heading out to the station. It must have been midday. I've been laying here for hours.

There was a soft buzz coming from somewhere. Without even thinking, my hand shot out from under the blankets to scramble around my bedside table for my vibrating cell phone. I kept my heavy eyelids shut, securing the pillow across my face as I managed to wiggle the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I breathed in a rasp which was muffled by the pillow.

I hadn't bothered to check who was calling. My guess was on Edward, or hey…maybe even Alice calling to pity my life with me. She must have seen this coming.

"Are you busy?" The voice asked. That was no Alice or Edward Cullen on the other line.

I shot straight up, the pillow falling to the ground as I pulled the phone back to look at the number on the screen. No, it couldn't be…

Jacob.

My lips parted in complete awe.

Was I busy? What kind of question was that? I couldn't find my voice as I scrambled for words.

I came up with a weak, "Uh…no…?" My heart beat felt like it was competing in some imaginary horse race. I swear I was showing signs of a heart attack.

"Be ready in ten minutes," Jake replied, sounding _too_ casual.

I glanced down at my attire. I felt, and probably looked, as groggy as I seemed. Not to mention my hair was too far tangled and ratted to even look presentable. And I was grumpy, on top of everything else. There was no way I could deal with all this in ten minutes.

"Give me twenty minutes?" I asked meekly into the receiver.

"Fifteen." Then the line went dead. What the hell was that?

My plan to stay in bed all day suddenly did a complete three sixty. Somehow, to which I couldn't quite process, Jacob had just called…to hang out. Or talk. Or end things. Or tell me to leave him alone.

Suddenly my enthusiasm turned into paranoia.

I scrambled out of bed, putting those thoughts to rest as I ran to the bathroom. It took a good ten out of my fifteen minutes to brush through my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth…and try and do something about the heavy bags under my eyes.

My hair was a lost cause. As a solution I braided into over one shoulder in an attempt to tame its thickness. I shuffled back into my room, pulling on the nearest clothes I could find; a pair of denim shorts and a light green tank top which, I thought, did wonders for my eyes.

A car honking outside paused me mid stride as I was stepping into my shorts and buttoning them. It certainly could not have been fifteen minutes already, could it? I wanted to look presentable and…cute. Instead, I probably looked more…haggard and grossly sluggish.

Apparently it didn't matter all that much to me because I was suddenly flying down the steps, grabbing my keys and a purse and then rushing out the front door. As I made the slow descent towards Jake's camaro, all the paranoia slipped back into my thoughts; was he – like Nessa – ordering me to stay away from him?

No, no…he would have called or something instead of getting rid of me in person, right? I paused, about to turn back around and run inside due to my abundance of fears, but Jake was already leaning across his seat and popping the passenger's side door open for me.

The lump of anxiety in my throat was practically choking me by the time I climbed in, my eyes wide and alert.

"Hey," he murmured, his eyes holding mine much like they had the other night; with heat and intensity. He took off then, heading towards the freeway.

"Umhi," the greeting I mumbled came out as one word, apparent with my apprehension. I didn't put up a fight with my eyes which stayed stuck to the side of his face, trying to read his expression. He looked conflicted, fighting with himself over something.

It was still so easy to read him. I guess some things never change….

An awkward silence fell over us. I thrummed my fingers against the black leather armrest, searching for something to say as Jake remained conflicted, "So…did you build up this car too like the Rabbit?" I asked, beginning to bite at the remaining nail of my thumb.

It was a simple way to start off a conversation, right? Plus, if he called me to tell me to leave him alone, he wouldn't be driving away with me, right?

Right?

"No. I stopped working on cars awhile ago," Jake spoke, his voice oddly…calm and serene. Yet deep with a grumble.

Huh, well that was strange…he loved working on cars just as much as I loved reading, "Why'd you stop?" My eyes continued to stay glued to his face, all the while Jake continued to glance at me from the corner of his eyes.

For whatever reason, I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

His head shook, "It's my turn to ask a question," he stated.

Twenty questions. Okay, sure. I can deal with that.

I nimbly nodded.

There was silence as Jake's lips puckered and his jaw tightened. He continued to fight with himself before he turned to face me once we were stopped at a red light, our eyes locking.

"Are you still with that Cullen leech?" There was no acid or animosity in his voice, just…curiosity.

I didn't give myself time to show hesitation, "Nope," I murmured, hoping it sounded casual and not dimwitted like a shy 'no' would have, as if it was a touchy subject for me because really…it wasn't.

"Why?" He seemed to still be processing my reply.

I smirked, "It's my turn," I reminded, slowly beginning to relax as I watched Jake's head nod and his taut lips gradually loosen.

"Why'd you stop working on cars?" Sure, I had bigger questions to ask him like he so bluntly asked me first, but…I needed to hear his answer to why he stopped doing something that he was so passionate about. And it better be a damned good excuse.

"Because it reminded me too much of you," Jake whispered, his eyes settling back on the road.

My eyes tore away from him and began to well with tears. Ouch.

One of my hands twitched to reach and take one of his resting on his thigh, but I wouldn't allow myself, knowing he would just reject the comfort. What was I supposed to say to that?

"Why?" Jake suddenly asked, and I knew what he was referring to; why wasn't I back with Edward? It must have been the conclusion he came to and the reason for why I never came back to Forks.

Because Jake's previous response had been so honest and heartfelt, there was no way I couldn't reply with anything less than that.

With a sigh, I turned back to face him after blinking the emotion from my eyes, "Because I don't love him and trust him the way I used to. Because I don't see my life with him…" I shrugged, hoping that was a good enough answer and that my wavering voice sounded sincere with meaning.

I still loved him, just not in the everlasting and substantial way I did when I was seventeen. I was going with the 'you'll always love your first love' excuse. It was nice having him as just my friend, though he left me a good five voicemails a day…

There was an uncomfortable silence until I realized it was my turn to ask a question, one that had been on my mind ever since church.

"What's…imprinting?" My eyebrows furrowed, wondering if that was the right word Quil had used, and it must have been, because Jake immediately stiffened and shifted uncomfortably.

Jacob attempted to clear his throat, his knuckles of the hand wrapped around the steering while turning a ghostly white.

"It's a werewolf's way of finding their soul mate…," he trailed off, turning to glance out the window.

"And…?" I prompted, since that answer didn't exactly part the waters and give me insight.

A small growl rumbled through his chest, "It's a way we – the pack – find our soul mates. Once we see the one we're destined to be with, we imprint. We feel pulled to them, they're all that matters…." he mumbled, his voice sounding pissed or annoyed.

"And so, you…imprinted… on Vanessa?" My voice sounded hopelessly frightened and helpless. Why did it feel like the answer would crush me?

His head shook at the question, "Why'd you come back?" He didn't give me an answer yet as he stuck to the 'one question at a time' thing for each of us.

I found myself muttering the answer quickly so we could return back to my previous question, "Because I should have never left in the first place…."

There was a dragging silence as I stared at him, impatiently waiting for the answer to the question he knew I wanted.

"No, I didn't."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

Wait, what? I shook my head at the confusion.

Jacob turned to face me, his two golden eyes holding mine as he let out an annoyed sigh, "No, I didn't imprint on her, Bella," he murmured, his lips turning into a frown which mimicked mine before they pulled back into a bitter sneer.

Before I could ask more to why he so vehemently scorned it, I was distracted by the passing road outside.

"Where are we going?" I asked quickly, then added on, "And that doesn't count as a question," I smirked as Jake let out a chuckle. It instantly warmed my insides and brought a tender smile to my lips to see him so at ease.

"Port Angeles."

"What? Why?"

"Why not?" he shot me a half smile before the city came into view. I didn't realize we had been driving so long.

There was a momentary pause of silence as I felt a surge of relief that Jake wasn't going to tell me to stay away from him. Oddly, I felt a smile on my lips…something I wasn't quite accustomed to lately.

We drove deeper into the small town before Jake spoke up, "I have to stop by my work for a second. You don't mind, do you?"

"No, no…not at all," I was still slightly stunned, "You work in Port Angeles?"

His head bobbed slowly as he pulled up to glass coated building that looked to be around four stories high. What kind of job did he have exactly, for someone who only just graduated high school? The sign on the front read 'Goforth & Goforth', I noted.

The confusion on my face didn't go unnoticed, "Well…sort of," he clarified as we exited his car and walked in the building which was furnished with oak carvings, purple daisies, and a very modern and hip design. Very…architectural.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Black," the receptionist shot him a pleasant smile.

What the hell was going on? My jaw had completely dropped as Jacob caught sight of me and let out a chuckle while leading us towards the elevator. With a slight _DING_, the doors opened and Jake gently pushed me in with a hand to my back before he pressed the button to floor three.

"Uh…what am I missing?" I mumbled, staring up at him and taking notice that he must have grown at least three more inches over the years, now that I really, really looked at him.

My expression must have been priceless because it was causing nothing but chuckles to pass Jake's lips, "Well…this is Goforth and Goforth, it's an architect and construction company. Paul's granddad created it, and his dad now owns it. It's the only construction business in west Washington, there are a few more branches in Seattle and Tacoma but this is the main office. Paul's dad hooked Embry, Jared, Paul and I up with some jobs in the construction part. We handle most of the building down in Forks and La Push. Paul's dad knows about the pack, figured it would be the best job to offer us, you know…because of our muscle. Plus, it pays a hell of a lot," he chuckled before we exited onto the third floor.

"Look, I gotta go talk to Paul's dad about something. I won't be too long. Stay here, alright?" he asked as I nodded, still overwhelmed and dumbfounded. I watched him retreat down the hallway leading into a few offices and cubicles.

This gave him at least four more years to his age that we had once accumulated.

Well, I guess a job in construction suited the pack. Yet I was still astonished, even more so when I saw pictures hanging on the walls of the Space Needle, Columbia Center and the Seattle Tower as all being built by the company.

It was about ten minutes later that Jake came back out and we left, retreating back to his car. He looked…angrier and more on edge than before. Something that he must have talked to Paul's dad about.

"Embry wants to see you, is that alright?" he asked hesitantly, turning to look at me.

"Yeah, that's fine. Where is he?"

"Our loft."

Yet again, my mouth was left agape, "You have your own place?"

Oh, how things change…

I watched him shrug before pulling the car into a parking lot near an apartment complex only a block away from the building we were just in, "Yeah, Paul's dad helped us out, the company owns these apartments and lofts. Emb and I live together, Paul and Jared have their own places with their girls just a few floors up from us. But, like I said, most of the business we deal with is down in Forks, so we don't spend a lot of time up here, plus I usually stay in La Push 'cause of the pack and all…But yeah, I guess I have my own place," he murmured shyly.

I followed him mutely through the apartment building – which closely resembled the same architectural style as Jake's work – until we were once again in an elevator, being lifted to the ninth floor. Though this time, there was now a heated silence between us. My mind was filled with questions, with concerns…but the mood of the day was effortless, like the way it used to be between us.

I didn't want to break this normalcy.

"Sorry if it's a mess…Embry can be a pig," Jacob half smiled down at me after we left the elevator and made our way down to room 912.

"I'm sure I'll be able to handle it," I assured, returning the smile until Jake gave me 'we'll just see about that' look before he slipped his key into the door and pushed it open. Everything was furnished in an auburn oak, from floor to ceiling. There was a dimly lighted hallway which led into a grand kitchen with a wide and spacey living room far beyond that. To the left was a stairwell leading to the second story of the loft, the steps winding.

It looked, in simple terms, expensive.

And Jake was right – it was a mess. Cups and plates were pouring out of the sink and placed all along the black marbled counter tops.

"I told you so," Jake chuckled at me with a wink as I took in my surroundings.

I didn't have time reply as Embry came bounding towards me, "Vampire girl," he teased in his ever so charming manner before swooping me up in his arms – much like he had at Sue's – to crush me against his chest.

"Need…air…," I huffed against the naked skin of his bare chest and then sucked in deep gulps of fresh oxygen once I was placed on my feet.

"Y'know, Embry…you should really think up a new nickname for me," I hinted as his eyes gleamed.

"What? You're not vampire girl anymore?" He snorted, "I'll think of somethin' new, just wait." He turned to lead me into the living room, "Anyways, you guys hungry?" he paused, "Wait, Jake…don't answer that, dude. You're always fucking hungry. Bella, want some pizza? I just ordered some, I'm sure we can manage to save you…eh, half a piece," he continued his light bantering.

I didn't have to reply, my stomach did that for me with a feral growl. I hadn't eaten since dinner last night, and just now did I realize how starved for food I actually was.

They both laughed in unison at me, causing a blush to form on my cheeks, "Riiiiight, well in that case we'll save you maybe… one piece. C'mon, I'll give you a tour—" Embry grabbed my forearm, "Jake, get the woman some pizza would ya?" He called over his shoulder, a sarcastic wit hinting his voice.

I risked a glance behind me to see Jake's eyes trailing after us, his smile – my smile – painted on his lips.

I was given a quick tour of both Embry's and Jake's rooms while Embry continued to tell my some story of how Jake had accidently punched a hole through the wall in the upstairs hallway one night when they were wrestling. Each room was wide and large enough for the needs of a 6'5", 250 pound werewolf.

I was jealous over how glorified it was, especially when shown the living room with two massive bookshelves and a plasma television. It seemed almost too fancy for them. We sat around the table a few minutes later, one piece of pizza as promised saved for me as the boys devoured a box by themselves.

"This place is amazing. I really need to get a place of my own…," I murmured under my breath, finally noticing then that there was a view out the back window overlooking the city and ocean, as well as a balcony.

"Well…" Embry drawled, sneaking a glance to Jake who was stuffing one whole piece of pizza in his mouth and shrugged his shoulders at Embry, as if reading his mind, "Quil was supposed to move in here with us, you know…there's a third room upstairs. But he stayed in La Push, near Claire," Claire? Like the toddler Claire? "So we have an empty room…you should move in with us! We're barely here, anyways…just a few days a week. You'd have whole place to yourself, practically…." Embry's face lit up at the mere idea.

I shifted a glance to look at Jake, feeling too put on the spot, "Um…well, I should really find a job first before I even think about moving out…," I whispered. Truth was, with all the money the Cullen's supplied me with and all the money I gained from working for two years straight, I would probably be enough to pay off my share of rent for this place.

"Finding a job out here will be easy. I'll help!" He seemed genuinely enthusiastic about this new idea of his.

I, on the other hand, was more skeptical. I shrugged my shoulders in response, not exactly sure what to think…or even what Jake was thinking. They started talking about some construction work at their job that they have coming up, leaving me to sit there with nothing but my thoughts. Occasionally Jake's gaze would flicker to mine.

Well, the least I could do was clean up their kitchen. I idly snuck my way back into the kitchen, walking up towards the sink to begin filling it with water and scrubbing at the dishes and pans overflowing it.

"Okay Bella, you fucking have to move in if you're gonna clean up after us. We need you," he exaggerated, "Oh, and shit…you can make us food! You can't let us live on fast food. Please please please please…." He attempted the same puppy dog eyes and pout Quil had pulled on me Sunday.

I gave him an eye roll, "You sound like a two year old, Embry," I teased as he scoffed at me.

"Just think about it, will ya? I'm gonna head up and shower, you two play nice," he winked with a mischievous grin plastering his already loopy smile before he jogged up the stairs. "And don't leave without saying bye!"

An exhausted sigh passed my lips as I turned to resume the cleaning of the dishes that were caked with food. I crinkled my nose in disgust, wondering if I could even consider the option of living with two stingy men and having to deal with this every day. But, the loft was tempting.

Today felt like a completely different life. I had woken with the fear of never seeing Jacob again, yet here I was…in the kitchen of his loft, having spent most of the day with him. What had changed over night? I needed to talk to him still, sometime before the day was over…

I was so lost in the ecstasy of the day that I didn't hear Jake come up behind me. I felt his heat seeping into my back, instantly causing me to stiffen at his nearness. The motions of my hands on the plates ceased once I felt one of his scolding fingers graze a slow trail over the skin at the bare side of my neck and shoulder.

No longer could I breathe. The warmth from just his one touch burnt straight through me, down to my core, involuntarily making me shiver. My mind was screaming at me to face him, to say something. Just as the rational side of my brain was starting to kick in, all was lost when I felt his humid and sultry breath falling where his finger had once been on my neck.

His lips touched my skin gently, burning a path torturously up my neck to a spot underneath my ear, causing me to shudder. Suddenly I was breathing again, my chest heaving with each intake. My eyes – once wide and frantic – had drifted shut.

Only a split second later did Jake pull back, leaving me helplessly standing there with nothing but a fuzzy mind and a scorching neck.

"Sorry," he murmured in a husk, "I just…I've missed you so goddamn much. There hasn't been a day in the past two years that I haven't thought about you," he whispered, his hand ghosting up my naked arm.

Damn, why did he have such a way with words when I was standing here, completely incapacitated by his one touch? I forced myself to turn around and face him, noticing his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans with his head hung low.

My lips parted as I searched my brain for the right words to say.

"I wrote you, you know…." His head cocked to the side, not understanding, "I mean…I never sent the letters. But I would write to you, tell you everything I couldn't tell anyone else…." My cheeks flushed, feeling embarrassed by my confession.

There was more silence as his eyes roamed to mine, searching for answers yet again. I wondered if he found them.

"Why'd you call me today?" I asked softly, wanting to get to the more important questions on my mind.

"To spend time with you, to see you. And how could I not? I have a weakness for you, Bella," he sighed, shifting on his feet.

"After last night…I thought…I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with me," I replied, both of our voices low because of our proximity. I was pretty sure it wasn't only my heart echoing too loud in between our bodies.

"I didn't know what to say, what to do. What she said to you was shit, but…I owe her my life…" he trailed off, breaking my gaze as I visibly cringed.

"Good. Then give it to her," I snapped, rubbing a hand across my forehead as it was now Jake who flinched, "Look…I'm not asking for anything from you, Jacob. All I want is to be let back into your life…but if you want me to leave you alone, then I'll stay away…I'll understand…."

Jacob showed signs of hesitation and weariness, uncertainty. I pursed my lips, putting on a strong face as to not sway his decision by my weak demeanor.

Slowly he raised his hand to my face, caressing his thumb across my cheek as his fingers gripped the back of my neck, twisting in my hair, "I just got you back…I don't want to lose you again," he pleaded, both of us knowing it wasn't going to be that simple for our lives to coincide on the same path after everything, but it was worth the fight. It was worth dealing with the judgmental eyes of the pack, and it was worth dealing with Vanessa.

His hand released its grasp on my face so that he could now pull me into his chest, his embrace. His arms held me against me while I rested my cheek over his racing heart beat as both of his hands rubbed along my back, somehow creating pinpricks of chills from his smothering heat.

A few seconds later, after our bodies had relaxed together, Jake pulled back, gripping my shoulders as his eyes looked down at me from beneath furrowed eyebrows, "I'm gonna go hop in the shower, then I'll drive you back to Forks after. I have work later," he murmured, gradually – as if forcing himself – he stepped away from me to retreat towards the stairs, a sad smile on his lips.

My head nodded nimbly as I turned back around to face the sink, each part of my body he touched tingled uncomfortably with static from the electricity. I didn't realize how exactly cold I was without him warming me.

I'd forgotten how much I loved that about him.

"Bells, you really don't need to do that you know," he nodded towards the dishes that I had resumed cleaning, a slight smile on his lips as he jogged up the stairs.

Bells. He called me Bells.

"Yeah, but if I don't, who will?"

Jake's chuckle echoed through the loft.

* * *

_A/N:_ _hahaha for those of you who have dirty minds like me, NO Jakey was not doinn the deed with Ness last chapter when he was on the phone with Bella when I said he was 'panting'. He was at work, which is what he tells Bella before he hangs up and it was the truth ! hehe. I love you guys (: hahaha apparently all your minds are in the gutter (;  
And wow, 100 reviews? Thanks so incredibly much. I hope this chappy made you guys happier than the last one and I hope you enjoyed having more of an insight into Jake's life (:  
But it's not all going to be all sunshine and rainbows either…_


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7 "Solutions"

"_So I'll take my time  
And see if your love can be changed  
I won't rush this fight…  
Cause I know that your heart's still in pain…"  
-Gabe Bondoc_

"Are you alright, Bells?"

"Yeah, everything's great. Why?" I tilted my chin up from where I laid sprawled out along the chestnut brown sofa of my living room, casting my wide and glowing eyes to take a glance at Charlie, seated comfortably in his lazy boy with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other.

"Well I don't know, sweetie. You just seem…happy. For the past three days you've done nothin' except walk around this house smilin'," Charlie let out a throaty chuckle before he took a swig of his Bud Light.

Emphasis on the Light. Ali seemed to be really tinkering with my dad's diet.

His reply caught me off guard, "Is that bad?" I asked meekly, though a smile – like he had just mentioned – danced across my lips. I didn't have any other explanation for this; it felt like ages, precisely two years, since I really smiled.

What did I have not to smile about?

After I left Jake's place three nights ago, things continued to run smoothly. We hadn't talked since then, which slightly had me worrying, but then again…he was a working man.

At least we left on good terms.

The drive back to town from Port Angeles was filled with silence. A comfortable, effortless silence. Neither of us – though we both ached with questions – did anything except let our presences wash over each other, not letting our time spent together be short lived. At least, that's what I was doing.

Jacob, in the most natural way, had even reached over to hold my hand throughout the quiet drive. Even though it should have been wrong, it continued to feel right. That was always the appeal of him that I clung tightly onto for two years; our authenticity.

Never again, did it feel, that I'd come across a connection like the one we had.

Yet, in the back of my head, a voice continued to remind me of the repercussions of being here.

"No, of course not honey, it's just…nice is all," Charlie mumbled, looking a bit embarrassed by his half confession. He still remained the flustered dad I remembered him as.

It only added to the goony smile on my lips.

"Well, it feels good to be back," I explained, half shrugging and then laying my head back down on the arm of the couch, watching some Mariners game. There wasn't much else for me to do throughout all these dragging days.

I really needed to find a job.

"And it's great to have you back." I could hear the smile in his heartfelt voice.

The phone ringing audibly too loud from the kitchen ended our conversation on that note. Neither of us made an effort to move and answer it. Soon enough, as I lay still and too lazy to get up, Charlie grunted and thumped his way into the kitchen.

I could faintly make out his words above the television.

"Hello?" Pause, "Oh sure…yep…how you holdin' up kid…?" Pause, "What, you didn't call to talk to me?" he snorted with a soft chuckle before yelling, "Bella! It's for you!"

With an exaggerated groan, I pushed myself up off of the too comfortable couch to make my way into the kitchen where Charlie was holding out the phone to me with a half smirk.

"Yeah, hello?" I grumbled.

"Bella."

"Jacob…hi," I stammered, wondering why him calling caught me so off guard. Who else would be calling me on the house phone, after all? It's not like I had any friends. Speaking of friends…was that what Jake and I were?

I had a feeling 'the talk' of me owing him an explanation and figuring out what to do with our relationship would be quickly arising. And Jacob wouldn't hold back like Charlie had, I was sure of it. I only hoped that the second half of my excuse would make up for the first part of my gut wrenching one.

"I tried calling your cell…," Jake murmured, trailing off.

"Shit, sorry…I left it in my room." That's the last time I leave that thing unattended.

His soft chuckles floated through the phone and…cue the butterflies. "Don't worry about it, I figured I'd catch you at home anyways. So… how have you been?" His voice was low and delightfully husky.

"Um, pretty…bored, actually," I fidgeted to lean against the counter, noticing Charlie was eyeing me from across the room like I was up to something.

"Well, that's why I called…." There was another voice muffled in the background before Jake returned with a chuckle, "Hold on, Embry wants to talk to you…."

"Bella."

"Embry," I replied in the same tone, suddenly frustrated that he had cut in on mine and Jake's conversation. It had been three days. Very rarely did we get a chance to talk, it seemed.

I had the urge to call him every night since Tuesday. I couldn't bring myself to do it because of the fear of him not being My Jacob, but the cold intruder who I didn't want to meet ever again. And the fear that that day had been too good to be true.

"Listen, I have the best plan! So tonight, 'round like seven, you should drive up to our place and come over and make us that famous spaghetti you're known for. Then you should just crash here, and the next day – which is my day off – I'll help you find a job in town, y'know since it will probably take all day and I know a few good places…." His voice rambled on, much like a six year olds would do.

All the information had been thrown at me at once. I didn't know what to say.

"Uh…yeah, sure sure. I mean, I could really get out of this house…," I muttered, not yet adjusting to Ali always being around and showing affection to my father.

Luckily, Vanessa never came along with her. Only Collin did, which I could presume was because of his 'crush' on me. But, he was hilarious and almost seemed to dislike his sister almost as much as me.

It made getting along easier.

The more substantial reason for why I wanted to get out of my house was to find a job and fully start to plan out my life. The life I never found existing until recently. Until Forks.

Charlie seemed to have no intention of getting rid of me when I brought up my idea of moving out yesterday. He was more than okay to let me live with him as long as I wanted since "he just got me back", but the simple idea of moving into Ali's house was appalling despite the love I felt for my dad and all the gratitude I needed to make for the past two years.

Wait, did Embry just say…stay over?

"Ah, hell yes!" Embry's enthusiasm still overwhelmed me much like it had two years ago, "Come by 'round seven. We've got work 'till around then. Oh, and what kind of job are you looking for? Anything specific?"

My lips trembled over unsaid words of confusion. My brain felt violated and too boggled, "Um…I'm not really sure, Embry. Maybe at a bookstore or a diner or something?"

"Food or books. Right. Bye Bella," he singsonged the last part.

I stared at the phone with a look of astonishment and certain confusion until I heard Jake's voice back in the receiver, "See you soon, Bella," he murmured softly, delicately.

"Bye Jacob…" I replied in an equally meaningful voice. His name on my lips was just a whisper, an effortless whisper.

After hanging the phone back up, I turned around and was greeted with the curious face of Charlie. I brought a hand to my lips, beginning to chew nervously on one of my nails. I wasn't sure where exactly the nerves entered from; was it because of what I agreed to tonight, or the skeptical look on Charlie's face?

"So… what'd Jacob have to say?"

"Not much. I talked to Embry most of the time…he wants me to head up to Port Angeles to help me find a job…," I trailed off, feeling as if I was asking permission. And hell, maybe I was. Maybe I was hoping he'd knock some sense into me to make me realize how completely and utterly selfish it was to stay the night. In the same apartment as Jacob.

"Tonight?"

I nodded my head slowly, cautiously.

"Well that won't give you enough time to run around town once you get up there. Most of the businesses will be closed in a few hours, it's getting late…."

"Actually… Embry figured it would be a good idea if I just, you know…stayed over tonight and have a full day tomorrow to search. He practically enlisted me into making him grandma's spaghetti for them for dinner…," I let out a dry chuckle, hoping somehow it would come off more…innocent.

I was fooling no one.

"Bella—" Charlie started, his voice resembling a 'concerned parent', "You do know that Jacob is with Vanessa and that they are very happy?"

My jaw slackened, feeling like it ricocheted off the hardwood floor, "Of course I do—"

Charlie cut me off with a wave off his hand, "I'm just trying to say…give Nessa a chance. Ali already told me about your…er…confrontation at Collin's party. Give her a chance, she makes Jake happy…."

"Why do you keep assuming things, Charlie? You said it yourself; that Jake and I have always been good friends. We're just…working on that," I grumbled, feeling irate that my own dad seemed to be choosing the side of his soon to be stepdaughter. Well, she was more glorified then me…what, with making Jacob happy and not running off for two years like a certain daughter had….

"I know, sweetie. I didn't mean it like that."

"What's going on between you two anyways? The other day when Jacob first showed up…you acted as if, I don't know…he was gonna go crazy or something." In that moment, when Jacob had appeared at my doorstep last Saturday, Charlie seemed intent on getting him away from me.

Charlie let out an aggravated sigh, "Nothin's going on between us, Bells. I love the kid like a son. I was just worried over how he'd react to seeing you, if he'd snap and do something crazy. That's all…," he mumbled, as if adverting something more specific, "Anyways…I'll probably head over to Ali's for the night if you're going out. Have fun!" He called over his shoulder before he made a quick getaway up the stairs.

Well, something was obviously going on that no one felt obligated to inform me on. All this increasing curiosity had me determined to get to the bottom of it.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice echoed down the stairwell, "Ali wants to have that girl's day with you and Nessa this Sunday! Try to work things out!"

I hoped he wasn't expecting anything sincere.

* * *

Throughout the drive to Port Angeles I was filled with mixed feelings. From excitement to anxiety. Especially with after what Charlie had told me.

Vanessa's dislike for me was…plausible. I would admit that. I supplied everyone with the worst reason to hate me, for the sake of themselves or others. And, as much as I hated to admit it, she had the right to dislike me. If I was in her position and watched someone destroy Jacob in the way I had, I wouldn't give them the time of day.

That is depending on if what Charlie told me was true…that Jake lost it when I left and never bothered to call. It wasn't like I didn't 'bother' to pick up the phone and call, I just…couldn't. Because believe me, calling home was always the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing on my mind when I fell asleep.

Still, Vanessa deserved to hate me…but since Jacob seemed a bit more forgiving, shouldn't she be falling in line with him instead of bitching at me?

If I was going to have to face her on Sunday – as well as the rest of my life if things go according to plan with Charlie and Ali – then I really had no motive to intentionally spite her. I didn't need any more enemies. So, the question I kept asking myself throughout the tormenting forty five minute drive was this;

Was staying the night at Jake's intentional spiting?

Somehow these thoughts managed to fog my brain for the complete forty five minute drive, because before I could come to a decision, I was already pulling up the apartment complex north of town. I practically memorized the path taken to get here last time, just in case something like this came up…

Even when my legs dragged me through the building and up the elevator and to room 912, I still hadn't come to a decision. My mind was waning as my hand was knocking lightly on the door without my command.

I couldn't turn back now. Not only that, but I didn't want to.

Embry opened the door to greet me with a too big lopsided smile on his face. He grabbed my arm to pull me in, dragging me into the kitchen…that was pleasantly still clean since I last left after taking care of the dishes and giving the counters a good rub down.

"You're early," he stated, leaning back against the counter, still smiling.

"Uh…" Was I early? I hadn't even bothered to check the time before I left. My eyes flashed to the clock above the microwave; 6:46. "Yeah, sorry…there was like, barely any traffic…." I shrugged as Embry nodded and then began stacking up the papers all spread out across the island counter in the center of the kitchen.

"What are all those?"

"Oh, these? Work stuff, y'know…contracts, bills, some college things…all that fun stuff," he chuckled while aligning them into a neat stack.

"College things?"

Embry shrugged, "I've been thinking about going part time. It'll be hard with a job and the pack and shit, but…I can't rely on people I know the rest of my life to get me a job."

"What colleges?" I asked hesitantly, since I myself had long put off the idea of college. For two years I didn't see why I would even waste my time on it if I was—

"Peninsula Community College. It's not far from here actually…so…it just makes sense to stay near."

I nodded my head slowly, reminding myself to check into that when I got home.

It was time to start planning, after all.

"So…um, where's Jake?" I asked nonchalantly, noticing it was just us two in the empty and stagnant loft.

"He's not coming."

"W-what?"

He wasn't coming? But he just told me on the phone that he'd see me soon…What changed?

Then, amidst my frightful thoughts, Embry started cracking up so hard that he had to clutch his sides and lean on the counter for support.

Was my pain his mockery?

I stared at him, my lips parted with wide and worried looking eyes, completely appalled, "Bella…oh my god…you should…see your face…so priceless…," Embry wheezed out in between his laughing.

Was I the butt of some joke? Because I certainly wasn't getting it.

"I was kidding…Bella, only kidding. He's just caught up at work and will be here in a little…." A few more chuckles escaped his lips as his eyes welled with tears from laughing so hard.

"That. Was. Not. Funny!" I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as I glared daggers at him.

"Oh, c'mon…I had to do it! Lighten up, Bella," he reached out a hand to ruffle my hair, "Now…about that spaghetti…."

Turns out that their fridge was filled with only sodas, a few beers, and some rotted strawberries. A trip to the grocery store was in dire need if they expected me to make grams' spaghetti. Luckily, the loft came furnished with pots and pans, because I had an inkling that they wouldn't have had any of those either if it wasn't supplied.

It took a good hour.

I had to wrangle in Embry who insisted on buying buttloads of chips and candy. How the hell did they survive on their own?

And now, as we stood silently in the elevator taking us back up to the loft with Embry somehow managing to hold all eight bags filled with food, I found myself suddenly curious about a certain subject, hoping to slyly pry more information from the unknowing Embry.

"Have you imprinted?" I asked, tilting my head up to look at him, noting he wasn't nearly as tall as Jacob.

"…You know about imprinting?" Embry seemed genuinely surprised.

"Sure, Jacob told me," I kept my eyes glued to his face, hoping to catch some sort of glimpse of emotion. He looked…hesitant.

"Huh…that's surprising," Embry mumbled before he instantly clasped his lips shut into a tight line.

Progress.

"Why's it surprising?" I asked gently, hoping to somehow coax him into telling me_ something_. When it came to Jacob, everyone was so cryptic.

He let out a long sigh and then shifted on his feet, "Shit…I'm probably gonna get in a lot trouble for telling you this…," he crinkled his nose, looking torn.

"Just tell me, Embry?"

"First…what did Jacob already tell you?"

"Well…that, I don't know… it's how you guys find your soul mates or something. He also said he didn't imprint on Vanessa but he looked…angry. Like he hated it or something…." The elevator dinged and let us onto the ninth floor.

Embry remained silent, biting down on his lower lip.

"Why does he hate it? I mean…it seems…amazing…and easy," I sighed heavily, feeling as if this was a lost cause by the expression on Embry's face.

"Look…I'm only gonna tell you this 'cause I know no one else will, and I fucking know Jake won't. But just…don't let him know I told you, alright? 'Cause Bella, I really do like you and just want to help, but he'd beat me to a living pulp if he found out," he swallowed, looking honestly scared.

"Embry…really, you don't have to tell me. If you're that worried about—"

He quickly cut me off, "No, no…it's cool. Anyways, so…where to begin…," he muttered, stopping us down the hallway, far away from the room. Probably just in case Jake was there to make sure he didn't hear us.

My heart was doing all kinds of sporadic flip flops.

"Well, after Jake phased and found out about imprinting, he kinda…really beat himself up over it. He was so in love with you, even before he phased, and once he found out about imprinting he wanted nothing more than to imprint on you. And it killed him that it never happened. Consequentially making him hate the idea of it….

Then, when you ran off to Italy and we all thought you were well…either a leech or dead, Jake really hated himself. He thought that if he had just imprinted on you, he could have stopped you and well…saved you. Though apparently you didn't need saving. That's what really messed him up; thinking he could have saved you from your…er…death if he had imprinted on you like he wished for every single goddamn day for as long as I can remember.

And…about six months after you…left, Jake just…went through girls like a madman, trying to find the one he was destined to imprint on so he could just… forget about you. Girl after girl, day after day, week after week, he never stopped searching. But he never imprinted, still hasn't imprinted…and well, he kinda has mixed feelings towards it. It's a touchy subject…."

Embry nodded his head for us to continue walking again. I trailed behind him, left speechless.

He took a glance over his shoulder at me, smiling at me with a wink, "Maybe things happened this way for a reason…," he grinned from ear to ear.

I still couldn't find words to reply. We came to stop in front the door, hearing yelling coming from inside the room. One female voice, one male voice. Embry's face looked astonished at what he was hearing, but I could only make out faint muffles.

And then, not a second later, did the door swing open and there stood Vanessa. A scowl was etched on her features as a few tears formed at the corner of her almond shaped eyes. Her gaze immediately fell on me, both of her fists clenching as her chest heaved.

"You!" She spat at me, letting out what seemed to resemble a growl, "I can't believe I'm going to have to deal with being your stepsister! I'd rather be dead! Thanks for fucking everything up. Pay back's a bitch!"

Then Vanessa shoved past me, knocking her shoulder roughly into mine before she stormed down the hallway, a few sobs and curses echoing after her. I was too stunned to say anything.

"Looks like someone's pmsing," Embry snorted before giving me a sharp nudge inside. I stumbled over my incapacitated legs. I was still too stunned, hurt, to even move. I was being guided into the kitchen, my eyes frantically searching for Jacob.

"He's upstairs in his room being a crybaby," Embry snorted once more, setting down the bags, "He'll come down once he smells food…," he grinned, turning to face me.

"What was that about?" I whispered quietly, suddenly feeling uneasy and that I really, really shouldn't be here.

Embry provided me with a very abrasive eye roll, "About a certain someone standing in this room. And I can tell you, it's definitely not me," he chuckled, stuffing the extra food items he purchased during our small trip to the store into the fridge.

"W-why?" I didn't want this. How much harm could I inflict? I didn't want to ruin Jacob's 'happy' relationship, even though that's what I wanted for myself. I was being incredibly, stupidly selfish…not only potentially hurting Jacob again, but Vanessa…someone I barely knew who I should be thanking for whatever she did to Jake that made my dad and everyone around him cherish her.

"Everyone knows you kissed him Bella," my gasp interrupted him, "Well…not everyone. But…we all – the pack that is – saw it in his mind the next day. And Leah being jealous and the bitch she is went off and told Vanessa and well…I'm guessing the shit hit the fan tonight for some reason…."

I couldn't speak, or even form the right words to speak.

"Look…I'm not gonna get involved in all this, but…there's nothin' you can really do. Jake knows what he's doing either way…Anyways, what can I help you with? I'm starving!"

Even with Embry's light bantering all throughout cooking, it still didn't ease the solitude around my heart. But he was right about one thing; Jacob did make his way down the stairs just as I was finishing up the noodles and homemade sauce.

I found my hands trembling with nerves. Nerves I never would have typically felt around him.

The only gesture he made was to come up to my side, reach to grab one of the two plates loaded with garlic bread and a stack of spaghetti while his other hand gently rested on my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze.

I risked a glance up at him. He looked troubled, detached.

Suddenly my appetite disappeared with my set of hopes.

No one spoke throughout what was supposed to be a joyous dinner. Embry turned on the television in some attempt to ease the muteness. I took to cleaning the dishes, leaving my small plate filled with a small serving aside.

It was only a few minutes later that Jake returned to the kitchen, not meeting my gaze as he pushed past me to drop his plate in the sink, creating a soft clattering noise.

"Jake?" I asked hesitantly as he attempted to make his way out of the kitchen, "I'm-I'm sorry…I didn't mean to cause—"

"Shit happens," he interrupted me in a grumbled voice before he made his way back up the stairs, and seconds later I could hear the shower running.

I didn't need to even look into his eyes to know he wasn't the same Jacob who drove me home on Tuesday, who held my hand and even smiled and laughed freely.

With that knowledge, I felt cold.

Seconds ticked by, my fingers curling around empty air.

"Embry…I think I'm gonna head home." My stomach took an unsettling flip, making me feel queasy. I wanted my Jacob. I wanted him here, with me so badly.

Embry let out an audible, exaggerated groan, "I'm not going to stop you, Bella…but it would be easier if you stayed, to work things out. I mean think 'bout it…if you head back to Forks, you'll leave on bad terms. Just stay the night; you know Jake wants you here more than anything, even if he's being a little shit. Stay. Relax. Sleep. It'll blow over. By tomorrow, he'll be a new man," he attempted to ease my tension with a crooked, warming smile.

I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, almost defensively. Maybe he had a point, but I had a reason of doubt. Embry couldn't know all that; maybe the last thing Jacob wanted was for me to be here. Maybe he just wanted to be left alone, with Vanessa.

"Bella, stop thinking whatever it is you're thinking," Embry warned, the distress apparent on my face, "I know Jacob, I see what's in his head even though he puts up a damn good guard. You should stay, but if not…I'll just tell him you, I don't know, wanted to give him time or something," he sighed wearily, "Anyways, I'm fucking exhausted, I've been working all day. You're welcome to stay; the third room on the left is the empty one. If not, then leave me a note and we can reschedule job hunting for another day, yeah?"

I nodded my head slowly, letting him know I processed his words. He gave me an apologetic smile before he bounded up the stairs, yelling a 'goodnight' over his shoulder as he retreated into his room.

I was grateful for Embry's gratitude. And Quil's. How did I even deserve that?

Now what?

Decisions, decisions.

I found my feet guiding me up the stairs to creep along the upstairs hallway, towards the first room which Embry had introduced to me as Jake's on Tuesday. I could faintly make out the drip of the shower still coming from the bathroom at the opposite side of the hallway as I peered into Jake's dimly lit room, gripping either side of the wooden doorframe.

My curiosity wasn't quite satiated when Embry had briefly shown me Jacob's room the other night. You can tell a lot by a person by their room, right? No? Well, either way, that was all the excuse I needed to convince me.

The floorboards squeaked beneath my gentle feet as I stepped inside the spacious room, finding the irony in its emptiness. There was only a desk at the far end of the room, a small lamp on it providing a weak light, casting shadows.

On the desk were stacks of papers, books either stacked on top of each other or spread around, and a few disregarded pictures. Those caught my attention first as I began sifting through them, noticing they all looked tattered and worn.

Most of the pictures, I noted solemnly, were older ones of him and his mom, or his family including his mom all together in one. One thing Jacob had never talked to me about during our time spent close was his mother.

Then I came across a picture that instantly warmed me, one that I hadn't even realized had been taken. As soon as I saw it I knew when and where it was photographed; Charlie's birthday party, almost two and a half years ago. Not to my recollection, someone had snapped a picture of Jake and I, seated on the couch still situated in his living room back in La Push.

I was laughing hysterically over some joke he cracked, while Jake was smiling down at me, the love and affection apparent and awfully striking in his gaze.

"Find anything you like?"

I shrieked, jumping from my position to turn around quickly, one of my hands – still holding the picture – flew over my jumping heart.

Jake's silhouette was outlined against the doorframe by the light shining in from the hallway. I could faintly make out that water was still dripping down his chest, lowering towards the waist band of his basketball shorts as he pushed a towel through his wet hair.

"Jacob," I squeaked, still recovering from my minor heart attack.

I was so lost in the picture that I hadn't heard the shower turn off.

He cocked his head at me, tossing the towel to the ground before crossing his arms across over chest, not saying a word.

"I…uh…wasn't snooping…I was just…um, looking…," I mumbled, wondering if that sentence – ramble – even made clear sense.

It only made me sound like an idiot.

He continued to just stare down at me from the opposite side of the room, remaining eerily silent.

"Are you alright?" I asked timidly, not having to see his eyes to sense his apprehension. My guess was on his fight with Vanessa, as unsettlingly as it made me.

"I'm fine."

A frustrated sigh passed my lips, "Look, Jacob…I didn't mean – I didn't want – to cause a-a fight between you two or make things harder for you…But you haven't told me what you want, if you'll let me back into your life. And…and maybe that's just a really bad idea…I don't want you to have to deal with all of this shit just because…because…," I clenched my jaw in frustration at not being able to find that correct words.

There was even more silence, as if it was everlasting.

"Just tell me what you want," I whispered in a cracked voice, my breath suddenly catching in my throat.

"I've never stopped wanting you, Bella…but goddamn it, you can't just expect me to trust you again, to let you back into my life like it's that fucking easy." There was no anger in his voice, just betrayal. Which hurt worse.

My throat compressed tightly as I reluctantly had some sort of dreadful epiphany.

I didn't trust Edward the way I used to. Jacob doesn't trust me the way he used to.

I left Edward behind, because our ties were already severed and irreparable. I had no problem living my life, with him as a…distant friend. Because I didn't trust him. After he left me, after he broke me.

And now Jacob didn't trust me. Because I left him, breaking him like I had once been broken. Would it be as easy for him to leave me behind like I had left Edward?

"I'll fix it, Jacob…I'll make things better, please…." I didn't hold back any emotion. How could I?

He pushed both of hands through his hair before they fell into clenched fists at his side. He broke my gaze, walking over to sit at the end of the bed where he hung his head in his hands.

I didn't realize the picture had dropped from my hands and to the floor.

"Then give me a reason, tell my why you left me…why you decided to forget about me and then show up two years later unannounced," his voice croaked, "Make it easier for me…I just don't know what to fucking do…."

I now stood in front of him, a few tears at the sight of him slipped down my cheeks. One of my hands gently pushed through his tasseled hair, my thumb stroking the skin of his forehead.

Anything. I'd do or say anything to take his pain away. But did that include telling him my tale which might only cause him more despair?

* * *

_A/N: __Thanks for all the love once again (: I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the reviews!  
This chapter is split into two parts, btw. It will be continued next chappy…it's not just a dead end (:_


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8 "Time & Space"

"You're not going to like what you hear…." My voice cracked.

And I wasn't going to like what I had to say, either. How did I dig myself into this hole? This dark, inescapable tomb?

A one word thought process of _nononononono_ jogged through my mind.

Not now, why now?

Everything plummeted around me as soon as Jake's gaze rose to find mine. To lock onto my eyes, jailing me from running away.

What do I do?

_Tell him…._

No, no…I wouldn't be able to stomach the look on his face, the audacity in his beautiful eyes.

"Tell me," he begged, though his voice was rough with Alpha demand and need.

"I-I…," I must have stuttered that word at least ten times through my parched mouth, "…can't."

Can't. Won't. Shouldn't.

I'm not ready to face his scrutiny.

"Then I don't want you back in my life," Jacob growled, his eyes – black like night – narrowed as he stood to hover above me, his body twitching with outrage.

Those words. Those words immediately severed my heart, making it sink like a dead weight in my chest.

That was the trouble with letting someone so close to your heart; they know just where it hurts.

"No, no! Wait! I'll tell you Jacob, please…I'll tell you, I'll tell you…. Don't leave," I sobbed relentlessly, gripping his forearms with my fear of his departure. Of losing him.

This was it.

He was giving me an ultimatum, one to which he knew I wouldn't refuse; to either give him my reasons or be gone from his life for good. I couldn't lose him knowing that I could have done something; it would have to be his decision to get rid of me once I told him.

He wasn't taking any of my crap or distortion like Charlie had.

For a brief second all Jake did was stare down at me with inquisitive and pained eyes. He didn't make an effort to move nor relax, but to only gauge my reaction.

Tears stung my cheeks. Dripping from what I could presume were my now vulnerable and pleading eyes. Once so heavily guarded. Yet now so reflecting of inner cries.

One of his thumbs – gradually, torturously so – raised seconds later to brush against my cheek to smear away the torrent of tears brought up from his sickening threat. Though the gesture was sentimental, Jake's demeanor was still rough and callous; unyielding.

After the helpless pleading of my irises, Jake then resumed his seat at the edge of the mattress, his expression showing no signs of wavering or letting his guard down like he had done only moments ago when he begged for an explanation.

But he was staying. He would listen. That's all that mattered. Could matter.

My wobbly knees and weak legs could no longer hold me up.

I involuntarily sank into the spot at the edge of the bed next to him, my body quivering and shaking. I was breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath and slow my accelerated heart rate.

Just the quick threat of him binding me from his life had my decision made for me; I would tell him.

I just needed to work up the courage first. A lot of courage. The kind of courage that had been lost with me two years ago, only to be found one week ago when I returned.

My eyes were withdrawn to memory as I stared blankly down at my lap, trying to gather my thoughts into something coherent. I felt before I saw Jake's hand come to rest on my bare thigh, burning into me as a silent gesture of encouragement.

Sobs pushed through me as soft hiccups. My restless head fell – drained of all energy – to the side to lean against and be supported by Jake's upper arm. I began trailing my fingers hesitantly and shyly over his hand on my thigh, outlining each of Jake's own rough fingers in slow and sensual movements.

Only over a few more minutes of silence did my fingers work their way up to now roam and explore his forearm, feeling the muscles twitch beneath my slight touch. Jake remained quiet throughout my touches of affection, having sensed that I was trying to gather myself and find the correct words for an explanation rather than avoiding it altogether.

His persistence, heavily weighted, could only do so much. Was he scared to push like I was? Just a victim of circumstance? Sometimes the big things that lurk unsaid were more palpable.

I learned overtime that a mind's function is more accessible when it's hidden from the truth, in a dream world of its own.

Yet truthfully, I was mostly trying to provide more time. To take him in once more, the patterns and contours of him as if it might be my last time.

"I guess I'll just…start from the beginning," my voice croaked. I didn't dare to look up to see Jake's expression for fear of what it might change into.

I sucked in a few fresh gulps of air, my fingers now returning to lace through his a few times and continue to ghost patterns on the heat of his palm, my eyes staying transfixed the whole time.

"W-when I left with Alice two years ago and we went to Italy to save Edward, there were some…complications…" From there I gave him a very detailed overview; from the plane ride, to the yellow Porsche, and to rushing through crowds of people to save Edward. But it was too late, and the Volturi had come to take us.

If I could have been faster, maybe I wouldn't have lost two years of my life.

I didn't leave a single detail out. I explained each of the Volturi's powers as best as I could, explaining everything I saw.

This was the easy part of the tale, after all.

Too soon did I reach the point of the conditions the Volturi let Edward, Alice and I leave on, "They were about to kill me, explaining that I was a human that shouldn't know about them, or know about vampires in general. But Alice saved me, showing Aro that in the future I would become one of them and she promised to change me herself. Those were the conditions we were freed on; that I be changed into a vampire or killed…and that they'd be coming to check to see if our promise was fulfilled."

I paused to moisten my lips and dry throat. My tears had stopped yet the movements of my fingers on Jake's hand continued, helping to pacify me.

He remained rigidly still. Chills assaulted me.

Sometimes I wondered about Edward. I wondered if his ability to read minds was more of a punishment than a gift. It seemed a liability, because in that moment no part of me wanted to know was Jacob was thinking. Or what he would soon be thinking.

"So…we left…and I…I was happy, overwhelmed, relieved to finally be with Edward again. It seemed too good to be true; that the Volturi practically ensured the rest of my eternity to be spent with Edward, as one of them. That's what I wanted, that's what I never let go of after he first left me.

Edward told me he loved me, that he never stopped loving me and that he left to protect me, because I was just a weak fragile human he could harm. But that wouldn't be an issue anymore, because I was going to be like him and I wouldn't need protecting. It was a double edged sword; I'd get Edward for eternity, because – at the time – I felt like my life was a bottomless pit without him, but I would lose my family, my friends…you.

I was so lost in the ecstasy of actually seeing him and being with him that day that I didn't even have to think of my choice; I wanted to become a vampire. Edward and I had talked about it briefly before, but now…now it was more set in stone. It had to happen.

The Cullen's all agreed that in the long run, it would be easier if I didn't remain a nuisance and call home to let Charlie know I was okay. What kind of excuse would I make up? Tell him that I couldn't see him for two or three years because the bloodlust would be too tormenting? It would have driven him crazy if I didn't give him an answer.

Calling wasn't an option, because either way…I'd end up dead, right? Either way it would inflict harm on my loved ones. And I agreed to it, I let them get inside my head and convince me that in just a few short decades none of you would be alive anyways, and it would be easier rather than putting your lives at risk.

It only took me one month to realize what I had done. I hate myself, really…I do. To admit that I chose to be changed into a vampire to spend my life with Edward over my family who never abandoned me like he had…It's hard to even live with myself. One month was all, then I realized I was out of my mind. I was so incapacitated by lust towards Edward and his lifestyle that I didn't even realize that I was no longer in love with him, that he no longer was the person I remembered him as and wanted him to be.

I couldn't trust him. I don't think I ever fully did in the first place. I was blinded by…I don't know, something I wanted him to be that he never truly was and still wasn't. And that's when things changed. The last thing I wanted was to stay with him forever, to lose all things human; food, sleeping, pain, air…the sun.

But just because I came to my senses about not wanting to be a vampire didn't mean I could return home. The Volturi ensured that they would check my status, and the Cullen's believed they would. Alice was keeping watch, is still keeping watch. So I couldn't just return to Forks, to put everyone at risk by the reigning, powerful vampire clan that wants me dead because I'm a liability.

I also wouldn't put the Cullen's at risk. I knew they would try to fight to change me, but the more I thought about it the more it sickened me and actually frightened me to be changed into one of them like they would insist to the Volturi instead of watching me be killed.

So four months later, after continuing to be miserable, I left them. To live on my own. That way, if the Volturi came, there would be no one around me I loved in harm's way. I asked Edward to leave me alone, to not come after me. Looking back now, I see that he got inside my head; he'd call everyday and tell me to not go back to Forks, because then everyone would be killed because of me.

I'm not in love with him, but he still loves me for some reason. I think he was sort of hoping I just needed time to myself, to figure things out and that I'd go back to him to be his forever if he convinced me never to go back to Forks because of the harm I would cause, and that the only option I had left was to stay with him. But I knew better; I changed after he broke me. Someone else already healed my heart, leaving their mark," I winced a subtle hint, hoping Jake would catch it.

"So, I lived on my own and like Edward had said, I was trying to figure out my life and what I wanted to do. I was trying to protect everyone…even if you don't see it. Please…don't think it was easy for me… It was the hardest thing to do…I regretted it every day, I still regret it. I kept telling myself that it was for your own…and maybe it would have been, if I could have just stayed away."

The confession stumbled out of me like word vomit. I'd been practicing this speech over for a good year and a half if I was ever so lucky to be put back in this position. Or unlucky. I wasn't sure yet.

My hands, that I now noticed, had suddenly gripped desperately and tightly onto Jake's one limp hand still in my lap. A subconscious way of my fear shining through to show how scared I was of his rejection or hostility.

When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you less. I experienced that first hand. Jake would be experiencing it now. He would leave me like I easily left Edward, I was sure of it.

The air was knocked of me once I realized that everything between Jake and I was hanging on a string. A string whose control could be snapped in half at any given time the man next to me felt like it.

I started counting in my head, reaching to one hundred and forty two before Jacob found a response.

"Why'd you come back?" his voice was a whisper, but it remained guarded and empty. Not showing any emotion to lend me insight to what he was thinking.

I watched a few tears fall from my cheeks and straight onto our laced fingers. It surprised me; I didn't feel them pool in my eyes or streak down my face.

"A-about two weeks ago Alice called. She said that…the Volturi had no intention to actually come down and check on me, that they felt as if their threat was substantial enough for us to follow through with. She still warned me that two years for immortal vampires is just like a few months to humans…and that they might check sometime in the far future. But I jumped on that hope…it was reason enough for me to come back…."

It was a much easier excuse; to return home not because of my fragility and aching to do so but because there was a slight hope. I used Alice's call as all the reason I needed.

I let Jake process everything I'd just hurled at him.

"I want to see them."

"W-what?" I stammered.

"The letters you wrote me. I want to see them."

"Of course. A-anything," I whispered. Was that all he had to say after my dark confession, after everything? I couldn't pick up any subtle hints of his conflicting emotions in his barricaded voice.

I sank further into his stiff side, inching closer towards him in an attempt to keep him there with me just a bit longer. His request gave me hopefulness in a time when I shouldn't truthfully receive any.

I felt – in a very strange, unorthodox way – somehow lighter. Like a thousand pounds of regret and remorse dislodged from their campsite inside and all around me. It had all boiled up inside of me overtime, thickening into an overcooked paste.

I kept waiting and waiting, second ticking on after second in anticipation of Jacob processing my words, of him pushing away from me to yell, scold, and reprimand me with equally hateful and hurtful words.

But no, he remained unrelenting, lifeless and mute at my side even with my attempts of caressing his limp hand and furrowing deeper against him.

"Say something," I choked out through stainless tears, still not daring to raise my eyes to his face for fear of what I'd find.

I was thankful that in that moment my mind decided to not over rationalize. The more I think, the more paranoid I get consequentially. Yet I was remaining oddly calm and collected.

It would all hit me like a ton of bricks soon enough. Preferably when I was alone. In my own bed.

Always alone…

"What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to respond to you telling me that my love for you, my caring and piecing you back together after that scumbag left you, didn't mean shit to you because you were willingly to give it up to be changed into some fucking bloodsucker like none of it even mattered to you? Like I didn't even matter to you, like I was made out to be some kind of joke?"

I choked on a breath of air. My eyes, in the heat – shock? – of the moment twisted around with my head to find Jake's face.

Mistake. Big. Fucking. Mistake.

His face was strained away from me, turned to the side so that all I could see were the muscles of his jaw clenching. But he wasn't hidden enough away for the tears that streaked his face to be concealed. By his uptight stance, by all but his arm – which I clung to like a child – curving away from me, it almost seemed as if he was…disgusted or appalled by me.

Yet again, I felt nauseous. I couldn't imagine how he was feeling.

"Jacob," I croaked in a broken whisper, tugging uselessly at his arm and hand in attempt to turn him back towards me, to show him that that all was so indescribably untrue. My movements were feeble. Jake didn't as so much bat an eyelash.

"That's not true…please, Jacob…look at me. That's not true…you _saved_ me…." Tears of my own picked up, blurring my vision as they dripped from my face, falling onto our entwined hands. I was evil. Plain, unadulterated evil.

I lifted his hand to my face, holding the scorching fire of his palm to my pale and clammy cheek, lacing our fingers together to secure him there.

His hand began to tremble against me, and soon his whole body echoed that. In the blink of an eye Jacob was up off of the bed, standing near the corner of the room by the doorway with his hands twisting in frustration through his hair.

I shivered involuntarily. My hands wiped at my eyes in bleak attempts to clear my vision from the scatter of tears soaking me. Ripples of anger surged through him, as I watched the muscles along his back quiver and tighten.

My body remained frozen in its spot, some second nature instinct coming over me. There were times like these two years ago when Jake would lose his cool; he'd tremble and quake before putting distance between us in fear of phasing and hurting me. I would give him time to relax, time to regain the trust back in himself before I neared him.

This situation seemed no different.

"Do you even hear yourself Bella?" Jake growled only seconds later, not turning to face me. His hands fell from his hair into balls of fists at his side.

I flinched as one of them connected with the wall.

"You put me through hell! You don't know what I went through or did for you! And now I find out it was all for nothing because you just didn't give a fuck about me? Because I meant so little to you that you'd choose becoming a vampire over everything else? Over me?"

"That's not true—" I whimpered.

"We would have protected you. The pack would have done anything. _I_ would have done anything for you…," he choked out, his voice low and cracking with pained and raw emotion that caused more tears and a heart wrenching sob to consume me.

He finished his prior thought, "What am I supposed to say to you when I'm so goddamn in love with you that it hurts, only to find out that it doesn't matter? That you chose to stay away from me and that everything I did was for nothing…."

My mind went blank as my lungs and heart filled with redemption.

Jacob's anger had dissipated into nothing short of betrayal and treachery.

I was on my feet not moments later, feeling a wave of light headedness; a mixture of what I could presume was standing up too fast, stomaching what Jacob had to say, and realizing this was him issuing me from his life.

"You're only hearing the bad things, Jacob…," I tried to steady my voice, cursing the tears that still mingled across my cheeks.

"_You_ saved me from becoming a vampire, because you showed me life, because you healed me and for whatever reason you were all I thought about when I just wanted Edward and kept trying to convince myself of that. If it wasn't for you then I would have let them change me. I eventually realized that and…and I couldn't risk endangering your life because of the Volturi when I thought it would just be easier for you if I wasn't around because I'm a nuisance. That you'd move on and wouldn't have to deal with me anymore and you'd forget about me but… I'm just…so…messed up…and I was so fucking wrong…."

In a time when I needed words to save me, I was rambling.

For a long while only the sound of our uneven breaths could be heard in the room. I was reminded that Embry was just down the hall, greeted with a first row seat to this.

Tentatively I placed a hand to Jacob's still quivering back, feeling him cringe away from me. More hiccups resembling sobs were passing through my lips, and I could no longer see nor tell what kind of emotion was playing out on Jake's face.

My heart – not unfamiliarly – was anticipating more damage.

I kept my hand on his back, my fingers digging helplessly into his skin as I breathed in his pine tree and evergreen scent.

"I—" his voice broke, sounding weak, "I just…need some…time…alone," he whimpered, cueing for me to leave him be. To give it a rest.

My lips trembled over unsaid words as more tears rushed through me as a sob of horror echoed from my lips. I was standing so close behind him, so near him. My forehead fell to a spot between his shoulder blades as my eyes squeezed closed to somehow prevent my tears. It was a lost cause.

My fingers against his back clutched uselessly.

I wouldn't leave. He was going to have to force me.

"Bella—" Jake begged in a whisper, his voice equally as hopeless and excruciatingly pained as mine. But it wasn't demanding. It was stung with a certain sadness and punishment. I'd never heard anything like it.

My head shook stubbornly from side to side, speaking my unsaid words. I was weak and selfishly so.

"Believe me," I begged back in a voice so low it was barely audible, though I knew he had heard it, "Don't make me leave," I added as one more final, pleading notion in a soft cry.

Swiftly Jacob turned around, now facing me as I stepped back to try and search for his eyes through the darkness. There was no time for recovery before his arms slipped around my waist, pulling me up to him as my arms encircled his neck.

Like many times before, Jake's head fell to my shoulder, to the crook of my neck. The burn of his tears was all I felt throughout my body. With my arms locked securely around his neck and my legs around his waist, I mimicked his movement. Letting my clouded head fall to his shoulder as my fingers stroked the hair at the base of his neck, the sound of our cries resonating.

I'm not sure how much time passed before Jake made any movement. My hands were now fisted in his hair as I squirmed against him, getting a tighter hold around his neck of desperation in fear of him prying my body away.

But he didn't. His lock around me, now that I realized it, was frighteningly suffocating as he engulfed me in his arms. Jake made his way to the bed, sitting with his back to the headboard as he held me cradled in his arms, in his lap.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," I hiccupped with sobs, keeping my face buried in his neck, becoming over powered by his rich scent. My arms were still locked securely around his neck.

I felt his nose and lips graze the top of my head. The sound of him inhaling my own scent caused me to shudder. But he didn't say anything. He just stroked his fingers along my back, trying to calm my panic.

I wasn't sure which was worse; his silence, or what he would say if he spoke.

"Why'd you kiss me the other night?" Jake suddenly asked in a whisper, his voice an octave of emotion lower.

I furrowed my body deeper into his bare chest, releasing a hand to grip at his arm around my waist, "You told me to distract you," I murmured, reminding him of his request.

He sighed, not liking my answer. But he didn't press on. I didn't deserve any of this treatment; he should be hammering me with questions. I would give him answers, "I'm not really sure, Jacob. It just…felt right…I-I'm sorry if you didn't wa—" He shushed me with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

"Shh," he quieted me, letting his steady breathing and the rise and fall of his chest hidden by his heart beat erase my cries of him abandoning me.

My eyes were so heavy from crying, my body so drained of mental exhaustion, that it didn't take long for me to be lolled to sleep.

* * *

"Wakey wakey!"

A few groans of protest echoed throughout the room. My eyes blinked open, taking in my surroundings. I was still curled around Jake's side, my head on his chest and one of my legs hitched over his, practically on top of him.

But that wasn't Jake's voice waking me from my slumber.

The light shining in through the window stung my eyes as I tried to squint through the tiredness, and only then did the memories of last time come tumbling down.

"C'mon you two, up and at 'em!" Embry chided from the doorway, finding pleasure in this situation.

"Leave," Jake grumbled in slight growl which I felt reverberate through his chest. A thin line of perspiration was coated between our bodies.

"If you say so…buuut Vanessa's down stairs…sooo…."

In the same motion, Jake and I flew into an upright position, suddenly much more awake.

Yet again, Embry was laughing and clutching at his side, wheezing out chuckles, "I knew that would wake you guys up! I'm only kidding," he sneered, still laughing.

"We have a whole day planned out Bella and you better not bail on me! Hurry your cute ass up," Embry grinned from ear to ear, probably from catching the wide and alarmed looks on both of our faces before he retreated down the stairs.

I flopped back on the bed, too ashamed to look up.

"He's relentless," I groaned.

"I'll kill him."

I let out an almost sad laugh, burying my face further into the pillow to keep from meeting his gaze. My heart was pounding too loudly in my ears from what I could presume was my frightening wakeup call and the uncertainty that was sure to follow after last night. After I weakly fell asleep without so much discussing much of anything.

For a little while, only the sound of birds chirping outside could be heard.

"Are you coming with us today?" I asked hesitantly, having no strong desire to even go job searching if I had to give up being here. If I was so lucky.

Jake switched positions so that he was now laying on his side, an elbow propping his head upright to look down at me. His indecision was as tangible as mine. He looked at me from behind sad eyes, a frown forming his lips, "I still need some time, Bella…," he whispered, breaking my gaze to watch his hand trail fire up my bare arm.

"Oh. Okay," I replied meekly, biting my lower lip as I rubbed my hands over my dry and raw eyes.

"I'll just…get going then," I murmured, a flush of embarrassment forming on my cheeks. I probably looked like hell.

I stumbled to my feet, stretching my aching muscles before walking slowly to the door, too fearful to turn back and face him.

"I'll call you," Jake's soft voice paused me right at the door way.

My jaw clenched against the sting of emotion rising like bile in my throat.

I could only nod.

* * *

_A/N: haha Embry, he's so evil. I love him._

_Um, welp, you guys got Bella's explanation.  
Short author's note…please let me know what you're thinking? Or you can pm me…I'm friendly…really.  
I'm just nervous right now. This chapter was a bit short. It'll still be continued next chapter once again...but this seemed like the best place to end things because there's so much to accomplish next chapter.  
See you next chappy I hope!  
-Mae_

_p.s; don't forget to follow me on twitter! The link is on my profile.  
__Once again – thanks to all my reviewers!  
_


	9. Chapter 9

Ch. 9 "Selfish Greed"

Job searching – typically – is aggravating and stressful. Filled with the first question of where to even begin looking, the stresses of turning in a résumé or filling out an application, or being informed that there are currently no jobs available and being denied.

Something I clearly needed to work on.

So how was I supposed to try and survive something like that, which was hard to accomplish in the first place, after the events of last night and this morning? My mood was in no way charming enough as to make a good first impression.

I lacked sleep, I was a mixture of grumpiness and emptiness, and all I could think about were two things. One a fear. One a person.

It all filtered into some numb, tingling sensation.

I wasn't sure where we went wrong last night to end up here. Or not here. Not anywhere…

Was it karma? Was it when Vanessa had showed up and fought with Jacob? Or was he planning on having the talk all along and blindsiding me?

I kept finding insignificant, small hopes as the day progressed and I processed Jake's words. Out of all things to say, he only questioned his love for me and what it was worth. Now, looking back on it, there was so much more I wished I had said to him that in the heat of the moment was lost. I didn't want him questioning his love for me and what it was worth.

Because it worth everything.

And he promised to call me, more importantly. That could mean an array of things. He would call me…to let me know his decision.

Exactly how long do decisions like these take?

I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to survive without knowing. But I'd grasp onto his promise to call me like it was the only thing holding me from taking a fall from a cliff into a deep, unfamiliar territory I didn't wish to become acquainted with.

Or reacquainted with. I'd fallen once before, but this time there was no one to pull me out.

It had only been eight hours, and I already missed him.

"Let's see…Barnes and Noble, Bella Italia, and Odyssey Bookstore…I'm almost a hundred percent you got the job at all three of those places," Embry shot me a wide smile from the driver's seat of his truck.

Somehow I'd let Embry convince me – he was awfully manipulative – to apply as a waitress at Bella Italia. I had intended to keep the memory of that small, quaint restaurant where I went with Edward as just that; a distant memory.

But Embry, being the devil he is, noticed the expression on my face and even despite my protesting, he dragged me inside like a ragdoll. Turns out, they were hiring. Just my luck. The manager seemed to get a real kick out of my name being 'Bella'.

"I think we can consider today a success," he finished, his still upbeat and thrilling excitement even after our eight hour search through town was surprising. And a bit depressing. I was constantly putting on a fake smile for Embry since he continued giving me genuine attempts to ease the mood as well as my sorrow.

I didn't want it to seem as if his sincerity was going unnoticed.

I also knew Embry had heard every bit of my confession last night; I could see it in the heartbroken look in his eyes that he hid behind his contagious crooked smile.

"That was not a success," I drawled, groaning in exhaustion as I let out a yawn. "Half of those places weren't even interested, and I still can't believe you scared the manager at Barnes and Noble like that! There's no way I'm getting that job," I frowned, recalling back to our fourth stop of the day.

The manager at Barnes and Noble was rather…friendly, and blatantly flirtatious. The man was, in a sense, very sweet…a bit aggressive, but nonetheless he seemed eager to hire me. That was until Embry came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist in some intimate gesture.

Taking my speechlessness and complete awe to Embry's advantage, he made sure to imply in blunt and threatening comments that I was 'taken'. I still couldn't find the humor in it.

"Oh c'mon! You can't tell me that wasn't funny! The look on his face was fucking hilarious," his deep chuckles sounded too loudly in the cabin.

All I could reply with was a scowl.

"What? Wait…don't tell me you were actually interested in the dude! He's pocket-sized. I could bench press him!"

I rolled my eyes and huffed. Men and their egos.

I remained brooding, Embry sensing my displeasure, which wasn't all from the scene at the bookstore, because I really wasn't peeved at him for doing that. But only because I realized I had no interest in that man. Or any other man, for that matter. It only caused me to see what was so clearly in front of my eyes.

I was in denial.

"I don't care, y'know…," Embry murmured minutes later, his voice gentler as he drawled me out of my thoughts.

I turned in my seat to face him, completely dismayed by his proposition. He didn't care about what? That guy hitting on me?

"Let me rephrase that; you don't need to worry about me."

"Uh…?"

"Shit, what I'm trying to say is…you don't have to worry about me finding out about anything going on between you and Jake…or whatever. Like this morning, in his bed."

My cheeks were fuming with a blush. Yet I was still lost in confusion over the message he was trying to communicate to me.

Embry let out a humbled sigh, "I don't like Vanessa," he explained, "Sure…I have a lot to thank her for, with Jake and everything…but she…I don't know, she's one of those possessive and controlling girlfriend's you know? She keeps him all to herself and she's just not…good for him…" he paused, casting me a look cautiously from the corner of his eye, "…in the way you are. So…I'm not going to rat you guys out to her or anything. Just thought I'd let you know…in case you were worrying over this morning or something…," he grumbled, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

"Nothing's going on bet—" I tried to protest in a meek, clearly embarrassed voice.

Embry dismissed me with a hand, "Look, I don't need an explanation Bella, okay? I'm on your side," he offered me a kind smile before silence thickly settled between us.

After the shock of his confession and statement, I didn't feel so…alone anymore. Everyone around me fully supported Jacob and Vanessa, making me feel put out, shameless.

It was the first time that day that a supple, honest smile formed my lips and just barely reached to hollow of my eyes.

I drove straight home after Embry dropped me off back at the loft to get my car. I thanked him, actually feeling pretty satisfied with how the day went, even despite everything. He of course tried to cajole me to come inside for a little while and 'hang out' before I headed back to Forks.

As tempting as the offer was, I didn't want to push myself on Jake. Not when he asked me twice to give him some space and time. And I would try, full heartedly, to give him just that.

I arrived home late at night Saturday to find it empty, with a note on the kitchen table from Charlie explaining that he would be at the station much later into the night working. I couldn't conclude if I was relieved about this or not; on one hand, Charlie would know something was up when he saw me and I couldn't take the inquisition of questions right now, but…I really didn't want to be alone, either.

Apparently I didn't have a choice in this.

I nimbly made a bowl of chicken noodle soup, not for hunger…but for warmth. Without Jake around, I needed something to keep the cold away.

I had a feeling I was going to get sick of chicken noodle soup.

I threw on a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt before I furrowed under the bundle of blankets on my bed, clinging helplessly to my pillow. Despite two years of living on my own, I was still the same little girl scared of the dark and sleeping in a house alone. I came to a conclusion overtime that since vampires and werewolves were real, the boogeyman and the monsters under my bed must be real, too.

I didn't sleep peacefully that night.

* * *

Too soon was I being awoken, yet again, by the buzzing of my cell phone. I had the full intention of not answering it until a little voice in the back of my head reminded me of something.

Jacob. Jacob calling me. Jacob promising to call me.

My eyes shot open. No…he couldn't have made his decision in a mere twenty four hours, right?

My lips formed into an unknowing pout when the caller I.D. read none other than 'Alice Cullen'. Great, just what I needed. I huffed, answering the call.

Why couldn't I just let them go?

"Hey, Alice," I grumbled, falling back into the safe harbor of my warm bed. Yet not warm enough. Never warm enough.

"Good morning to you too, Bella. Try not to act so excited to talk to me," she sneered sarcastically on the other line. I only replied with a frown she couldn't see.

"Anyways, I hope I woke you up. You were going to be late for church and your big girl's day!"

I groaned. Was it really Sunday already? I'm not leaving this bed. No way. They'd have to force me kicking and screaming.

"Crap…," I muttered, slinging an arm over my eyes, knowing I couldn't escape this, "How does that go, anyway?" I asked in hopefulness, praying Alice's vision of my day spent with Ali and Vanessa wasn't a complete disaster.

"Well…Ali seems like a nice lady," she offered, having nothing else positive to say.

Great.

"Oh! And congratulations, Bella!"

"On what, exactly?"

"You got a job!"

My eyes popped open, "I did? Where?"

"At Barnes and Noble _and _Bella Italia. Edward thinks you should work at Bella Italia, he called it 'fortuity'." Edward's snicker could be heard in the background.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll stick with Barnes and Noble," I replied, since I was practically forced to apply at Bella Italia in the first place. I also had no desire to be a waitress. I would stress out too much working there, and Barnes and Noble was quaint and relaxing. My forte.

"Oh! You're going to love it," Alice squealed from the other line once I'd made up my decision.

"So…how are things going in Forks?" she asked a few moments later, hesitant.

I sighed, "Look…I know you guys don't want me being here but –"

"Yes, I don't want you there. I want you_ here_, with us. I miss you," she interrupted, sounding genuinely dismal.

Embry and Alice would be a lethal combination. They're both equally relentless.

"You're welcome to visit me anytime," I mumbled, hoping to change the subject, because truth was…I wasn't going back to them.

"Really? I have to start planning! We are going to have the best time! I'll talk to you soon Bella. Everyone says Hello, by the way and that they miss you." And then the line went dead.

I should have seen that coming. I practically set myself up for it.

Just as I was pulling the blankets back over my head to retreat to my own, more at ease world, Charlie knocked on the door and then popped his head in, not giving me anytime to pull a straight face together, "'Morning, kiddo."

"'Morning, dad."

"I got in pretty early this mornin' from the station, there were some robberies in town we had to deal with. We won't be headin' out to church on the rez today, but Ali wanted me to tell you she'll be here with Nessa to pick you up in about two hours. Just thought I'd let you know so you can get ready and all…I'll be headin' out with Billy and Collin to go fishing," he offered me an apologetic smile at the pained expression on my face.

"Can't I go with you?" I asked in a small, helpless voice. Fishing seemed like heaven compared to a 'girl's' day.

He sighed, looking rather hurt by my lack of enthusiasm to spend the day with Vanessa and Ali.

"I really do like Ali, dad. She's not the problem. I think she's great, and I'm happy for you two…I really am. And I'm honestly trying to work things out with Vanessa, but she's…she's horrible! I keep trying to put an effort into fixing things…but she's…_evil_," I mumbled, wishing I didn't resemble some kid tattling on their sibling.

But it was true. And after her threat yesterday when she left Jake's, I had a feeling things were going to get worse before they get better. If they even get better.

"I know, honey. I wasn't putting all the blame on you…Nessa sort of has a temper…."

I let out a dry chuckle at the truthfulness in that statement.

"Anyways, how'd yesterday go? Did ya find a job?"

"Yeah, actually…Embry was a lot of help," I half smiled with fake enthusiasm, hoping Charlie would leave it at that.

"And Jacob? How are things with you two?"

Almost immediately tears burned my eyes and throat, "I'm not too sure," I whispered, pulling the blanket up to my chin.

"He'll come around," Charlie mused before patting my leg and exiting my room to leave me to my thoughts.

I wouldn't allow myself to think about what would happen if he didn't. Especially since I just barely got him back.

"Two hours!" he reminded me from the stair well.

I faked a loud cough, "I'm sick! I can't go!" I tried coughing again, this time adding in some grotesque gagging noise. Though I'd never faked sick to get out of school, this seemed like the perfect time to start giving it a try.

All that could be heard were Charlie's deep, grumbling chuckles at my weak attempt.

_Girl's day. _

I groaned at the horrible thought.

I hadn't had a girl's day since I was sixteen with Renee, back in Phoenix. She forced, with all of her will power, to take me shopping and then spend the rest of the day at the spa. It was in no way 'relaxing' like she had promised.

Two hours later I was stumbling out of my house to find Ali standing next to her car, waving at me.

"Morning sweetie. Hope Charlie doesn't mind me stealing you away for the day," Ali's wide smile grew into a loving, maternal one as she embraced me in a hug.

I missed that kind of thing; maternal love. It had been too long since I'd seen Renee. And sometimes the warm embrace of your mother's arms was just enough to chase away the demons. That was the remaining piece of my heart that wasn't quite yet satiated; my mother's love.

"He's actually out spending the day fishing with Billy," I chuckled under my breath nervously.

Ali's laugh resonated along with mine, "Those men and their fishing. I swear your father could live off of fish."

"Oh. He has before. Believe me."

We climbed into her small, green BMW which was when I noticed that Vanessa wasn't there. I wanted to jump up and down with joy, but he seemed too good to be true.

"Where's Vanessa?" I asked nonchalantly, trying to act casual.

"Oh, she was running late – as always – so she's just gonna meet us down there."

Damn.

"Where exactly is 'there'?" Please don't say shopping, please don't shopping.

"Well, I scheduled us for some manicures down at Rosie's Spa, and then I figured we could get a bite to eat somewhere in town."

I glanced down at my hands in my lap, crinkling my nose at the uneven shape of my nails from my nervous habit of biting them. But, a manicure was tolerable. Very tolerable.

There was a brief wave of awkward silence.

"So, Charlie said you're an interior designer?"

"Yes, I am. I work with Goforth and Goforth, an architect and construction company. I mainly work with large buildings and apartment complexes. I've recently been trying to do some things to my house, to see how good I am with home designing. The job takes me out of town a lot, not out of state which is nice. But I'll be heading to Seattle next weekend."

"Goforth and Goforth? Like where Jacob works?" My eyes bulged from my head when I realized I just uttered those words rather than thinking them.

Some part of my subconscious was telling me that Ali wouldn't exactly be thrilled with knowing that I was hanging out with Jacob, her daughter's boyfriend. No one seemed alright with it. Except Embry. And maybe Quil and Charlie…but they were wishy-washy.

"Mmhm. It's a great company," was all Ali replied with, yet I couldn't hear any acid in her voice.

"How's your move going? Adjusting alright to being back?" She asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"It's going good actually. I just got a job up in Port Angeles, now all that's left is finding my own place. I'm also thinking about going to Peninsula next semester and taking a few classes…" I trailed off, wondering why I suddenly didn't feel nervous anymore.

She was easy to talk to. And so completely – strangely – different from her daughter.

"Ah, Peninsula's a great school. I took a few classes there before I transferred to UDub…" Ali was in the middle of some story about her freshmen year of college when we pulled up to the spa. Only minutes later did Vanessa arrive, looking rather…content.

She even gave me a smile and a soft "Hi," before she hugged her mom. Once Ali's back was turned, Vanessa's eyes zeroed in on me, that familiar scowl twisting her features.

I sighed heavily. Today was going to be excruciatingly long and distressing.

Ali talked throughout most of the day; discussing new designs and styles she's creating for a children's hospital being built further in town. Vanessa and I only spoke when necessary, and I found out that Ali was funny and easy to get along with.

She was…simple. Something I knew attracted Charlie. There was no grey for him, it was all black and white. That seemed how it was with Ali, too.

They made a good match. She was everything I hoped my dad would find.

I think I possibly would have liked or more if her only child was Collin.

The manicure wasn't as terrible as I envisioned. It was quick and easy. Embarrassingly, the first color I jumped at for my nails was an auburn, russet color. I practically had to force myself away from that shade which reminded me so much of Jacob to settle with a light, emerald green.

We were in the middle of lunch at some Italian restaurant when Ali excused herself, a grin on her lips. It was easy to assume she was expecting Vanessa and I to talk things through. It was hard not to notice the tense mood between us throughout the day.

I had nothing to say. No words for this girl who threatened me with whatever payback she had in mind.

"He loves me, y'know," Nessa murmured, glancing down at her fork dancing around her untouched salad.

At least we were over all the yelling and threatening.

"He loves me, too," I pointed out, my eyes intently watching her face. I could see the disbelief and questioning like she wasn't trying to hide it. But she wasn't protesting the truth.

And I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"It is possible to love two people," I added softly, my eyes lowering.

"Did he even tell you what he went through after you left?" she asked, and instead of the typical spiting timbre of her voice, she sounded…honest, and real…like she was trying to communicate more of a message out of affection, rather than hate.

I instantly stiffened, "No…he didn't. But he can if he chooses to…," I mumbled, pushing my plate filled with half eaten fettuccini aside.

"Well you should hear it—"

"Then he can tell me," I snapped, interrupting her. There was no way I'd let her tell me Jacob's part of the last two years.

"He ran away for months, he started—" Always so persistent, aren't we?

"Nothing you tell me is going to change anything, at least not on my part. It will always ultimately be his decision. Can't we just put this behind us?" I asked helplessly. Jake and I would work on our thing, Vanessa and Jake would work on their thing. Separately. There was no need for this.

This was all just pointless, jealous insecurity. Expect, I had kissed Jacob. So there was room for little discussion.

"It's hard to even look at you after what I saw Jacob go through after you disappeared," Vanessa hissed, her temper flaring as she stood up, grabbing her purse and keys and then storming out of the restaurant, pushing past a confused Ali making her way back from the bathroom.

I guess that was a blunt 'no' to my offer of putting this all behind us.

Unlike my day spent with Embry job searching, today was far from a success.

* * *

The next five days could have been five months for what it was worth.

Or not worth. They were pointless, extremely painful days. The only time I left home to do anything meaningful was when Isaac, the manager at Barnes and Noble, called so we could have a meeting to discuss my job as future bookseller Bella Swan.

I would be starting at the end of next week, part time. I looked into Peninsula College Monday, deciding to attend orientation for the fall semester as well.

Now I was stuck with the next problem of finding a place to live in Port Angeles. Commuting there every day just seemed out of the question. This all was moving too rapidly; I found a job with ease, much sooner than expected, and hadn't even bothered to look into a place to rent. The idea of taking Embry's invitation to live with them was becoming more and more like the only option.

But it wasn't an option. It was out of the question no matter how badly I wanted it in the question. Wanted _him_ in the question.

Jake still needed his precious time, and even if I was so lucky to be allowed back in his life, it would be a slow process I was sure. I couldn't just jump back in, resuming my position as his best friend to which secrets didn't exist between us and expect I could just live with him.

The stress of finding a low pay apartment was nothing compared to the stress twisting inside of my stomach and eating at the remnants of my heart in anticipation of Jacob calling. I slipped a few times; almost calling him myself, to hear his voice. The day I went up to Port Angeles for my interview was unbelievably difficult and tantalizing not to visit him.

I was so incredibly barren and desolate without Jacob's warmth.

I had woken up early this morning, almost completely hating myself. For five days I had forgotten. Forgotten all about the letters I promised to give Jacob. How the hell did I forget? Was he just sitting around, waiting to see if I'd hold true to my promise of giving them to him as to ultimately sway his decision?

I was now staring down at a stack of eleven envelops scattered all across my bed. Each were labeled, stamped and dated. One day, years in the future, I was determined to send them all to him. But only after I was sure that they wouldn't matter, and that Jacob was happy with his own life and family.

I had a dilemma on my hands; how was I supposed to give them to him? Every nerve ending in my body jumped at the idea of taking them to him personally, or at least calling to see what he wanted me to do. I was sure even just the sound of his voice would for the time being satiate me, but my eyes were greedy.

And so was my heart.

But greed couldn't account for anything. Greed was just a way of being selfish, and I was selfish and greedy for Jacob Black.

As much as I was thankful for Embry's friendship, there was no way in hell I'd give him these letters. It was in his nature to be nosey and devilish. No one else but Jacob would read these letters. Not even me. I couldn't bear to read them again, for the bad and the good. Some things written in them were terrible, heart breaking, things I couldn't even let myself think about. I had the urge to dig through all of them and pick out the ones I didn't want him to read.

But that would defeat the purpose. And I really, really didn't want to reread them.

They had been left untouched ever since the last one had been written; three months ago.

So, Embry was out of the question. That only left one person, who I had more trust in to keep personal things…personal.

With my phone to my ear, I counted the rings until a male voice answer.

"Hey, Quil…its Bella," I murmured, gnawing at my lower lip.

"Bella! How have you been? It's been awhile…." Quil's honest excitement caused a smile to form my lips.

"I've been…fine. How about you?"

"Pretty good…I've been busy with work, sorry I haven't been 'round much after Collin's birthday."

"Don't worry about it," I assured. He didn't owe me anything. "Anyways…I sort of have a favor to ask?" Well, he didn't _owe _me anything…but a favor was something entirely different.

"I'll see what I can do. What is it?"

"Well…um…do you think you'll be seeing Jacob anytime soon? I…I have something I need to give him and if you're planning on seeing him, I was sort of hoping you'd give it to him for me?" Anxiety caused my stomach to clench and churn.

_They're just letters. They're just letters. _

Letters filled with secrets and confessions that showed the true colors of my heart. Since I lacked the capacity to explain myself in words, I could only pray these written letters conveyed more of what I couldn't Friday night.

"Hmm…well I just saw him last night but he said he'll be up in Port Angeles for three or four days for work. So I'll probably see him after that…." Quil trailed off.

I couldn't wait three or four days. The idea made me sick to my stomach.

"Oh…well…," I searched for words, "I-I was sort of hoping to give it to him soon…so, thanks anyways," I whispered, knowing what this meant.

"Sorry 'bout that, Bella. The man tries to stay busy…."

I nodded my head slowly, swallowing the lump of butterflies choking me from possible excitement, or possible dread, "Uh…can I ask for another favor? Well…it's more of a question, really…."

I was pathetic. But after how Sunday ended, I had to know.

When Quil didn't respond, I took the hint, "Do you know if…Vanessa…is up there with him?" I couldn't put myself in that position; driving up to Jacob's to give the letters, only to find Vanessa there with him. It would be a slap in the face, a punch to my gut, and the final fracture to my already bleeding heart.

Not only was I pathetic, but I was a coward.

"Nah…she's in La Push. I'm over at her house with Collin and Paul right now…." His voice lowered immensely at this.

I let out the breath I was holding, my lungs expanding eagerly with fresh oxygen, "Thanks, Quil," I murmured appreciatively.

"Anytime," he replied, sounding sincere, "Hopefully I'll see you soon. Bye Bella."

It was still early. Mid day maybe. I could drive up to Port Angeles, leave them in front of his door.

No. No…they could fall into the wrong hands. Someone could take them, read them. Someone not Jacob.

"Just suck it up," I grumbled under my breath. The worst that could happen was for Jacob to be the dark intruder I'd met a few times before, and the worst he could do was accept the letters and tell me to leave.

I was relying on these letters, more than anything, to convey everything imaginable Jake would need to let me back in his life.

I grabbed each of the eleven envelopes, not bothering to arrange them by date. There was no fluidity to what I wrote him over the years. I would write down everything that came to mind, everything that was bottled up inside of me, compressing and somehow squeezing into the small space of my heart.

I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't write out all the thoughts on my mind. And who better to write to than the one person who not only took his place in my heart, but occupied a good portion of my mind as well?

An hour and a half later, I was standing in the very familiar and dim lighted hallway leading to room 912. I was going to give him the letters personally, whether he liked it or not. Whether I liked it or not.

It would mean more if I delivered them. And this was all about what extremes I would go to for him.

My body was in complete submission, while my mind was turning every possible outcome into something negative. The adrenaline pumping through me was enough to kick my body into overdrive. Or maybe it was just the constant flourishing numbness that clouded my brain from rationalized thought.

I knocked three times, gripping the letters in front of my chest in a defensive stance, much like I used to do when I wrapped my arms around my midsection, holding myself together. Though it had been awhile since the need for that, I could feel the stitches slowly beginning to tear apart and bleed.

And there would be no one there to fix me up this time.

My heart was racing, this time feeling as if it was leaving a bruise each time it thumped against my rib cage.

Seconds – which felt like hours – later, the door was swinging open to reveal Jacob, who was pushing a hand through his sleep tossed hair, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts.

I swallowed nervously, keeping my eyes glued on his. I watched as his eyes roamed over me, head to toe, a look of confusion now mixing in with the exhausted state of his eyes.

"Hey," he murmured in a tired rasp at the realization of me standing there, in his doorway.

At the sound of his voice, I shuddered. "Hi," I whispered, taking a breath to calm myself. I didn't want to show him how weak I was. How scared I was. It was a lost cause, because with that thought tears stung my eyes.

"I just came to give you these," I murmured in a shaky voice, offering him the letters cradled in my arms. It felt like I was handing over to him a piece of me. A piece of me that no one else had even come close to seeing, or me even allowing them to see.

It was my hate, my love, my sorrow…everything. Everything that encompassed me was translated into barren words written on eleven pieces of scratch paper, pen and ink now my heart and soul.

He took them with gentle care, our fingers briefly brushing during our exchange. Chicken noodle soup and the blankets of my bed were nothing compared to the real thing.

The sun still shined the same.

"I've been waiting," Jake's voice echoed mine as he balanced the letters in one arm.

Ah, so he was testing my endurance, to see if I'd follow through. To see if I was serious about this, about righting my wrongs in any way possible and getting him back.

"Sorry it took so long," my mouth went dry, "those are all of them…."

Jacob only nodded, shifting uneasily on his feet but remaining silent.

I bit my lower lip, to the point of almost drawing blood to keep the tears searing my eyes at bay. I turned to retreat, taking his muteness as a hint to leave.

Space. Space…and time. He needed space and time. I shouldn't have expected anything from him.

"Bella," Jake's broken voice stopped me as I was turning, his hand flashing out to grasp mine. He nodded his head to the side, a silent gesture to invite me inside.

Had he made up his decision already? Without having read the letters? Did…did this mean that even with the letters, it still wasn't enough?

He turned to face me after shutting the door quietly closed, looking like he was trying to figure something out. Figure me out. His golden brown eyes were heavily shielded with mystery; mine or his, I wasn't sure.

But the look in his eyes was kind, gentle. Passionate and inquisitive.

They reflected his age, his knowledge and depth that caused him to grow up fast in a world that should have been his own for the taking.

I was sure he was reading straight into my naked soul, solving the equation of the panic dancing behind my pupils. As much as I wanted to shield myself from him, it was unthinkable. I wanted him to see straight into the pit of my heart, into the cabin of my knowledge. To see my regret and revulsion, even if that meant showing him other, more vulnerable, bruised parts of myself.

If it was so easy for Jacob to read me two years ago, I was now an open book…the secrets and outlines of my plot revealed.

He parted his lips to speak in a hoarse whisper, his words voicing the last thing in this world that I wanted after finding it in my eyes.

"Read them with me."

* * *

_A/N: Ohhh who's excited for next chapter cause I know I am!  
Hmm…I wonder what all those letters say (; And don't you just love Embry and Quil? I dooooo (:_

_Okay, I keep getting mixed reviews about two things, which is sort of amusing to read that some of you like certain things and some of you dislike certain things.  
These two things are the unhealthy dose of ANGST in the story and the whole 'Bella moving in with Jake & Embry' thing. Some like both these things, some aren't too thrilled 'bout either of 'em. Buuut it's really interesting to read one review in which the person in gushing over how they want Bella to move in with them and then read someone else's who thinks she shouldn't. It's oddly disorienting - in a good way - that you all have different views/thoughts. That's what I want._

_I'm saying this honestly; I never plan on making a chapter full of angst…it just ends up like that for some odd reason…according to your reviews haha (: _

_-Mae_


	10. Chapter 10

Ch. 10 "Banana Cream Pie"

"W-what?" I stuttered at barren, lost for words.

My hand was locked so securely around Jake's, to the point of loss of blood flow and whitened knuckles, that it was the only thing halting me from running away. From pushing through the door and away from his subtle command to…to—

"I want you to read them with me, Bella," Jacob repeated softly and slowly, sensing my fragility from the simple statement. His free hand lifted to stroke his fingers in assurance along my jaw, up my chin, across my lips that were parted in awe, terror, dread…

The blood fell from my cheeks, leaving me to look ghostly pale and nauseous, "Jacob—" I tried to protest, but his finger to my lips stopped the lack of words stinging them, consequentially numbing them from all but the fire of his supple touch.

The bittersweet look in his eyes – of understanding, but with the need of something a bit stronger – was enough for me to curtly nod my head and agree. I was sure my expression looked frightened with a sense of knowledge, but still frightened nonetheless.

Even getting myself here, to this point, and handing those letters to Jake was hard enough, excruciating enough. Having to read them again, look at them again, well…that felt like torture. It was more than just words written on paper.

It was the darkest secrets of my life. And not everything is meant to be shared.

I didn't want a fresh memory of what was written in them when I tried so hard to forget. Because that was entirely the point; to transfer them from mind to paper, from tormenting thoughts to scribbles on lines, so that they wouldn't invade my mind any longer.

I could remember Renee once preaching to me about this; 'venting with no harm' as she put it. It was her 'technique' to relieve tension and the pent up emotion and anger inside of her. If someone was bothering her – most of the time it was her co-workers who 'couldn't keep their mouths shut' – she would write them a letter, pour all of her evil thoughts eating away at her into the paper addressed to that individual.

She would never actually send it. And that was entirely the point; to take a load off, to rid yourself of those 'demons' without having to face the person. I never saw the point in it. I even referred to it as childish. But, overtime, my mom's preaching was right, and actually turned into an opportune thing.

Yet even with my hesitance, how could I say no with the risk of him thinking that this – us – wasn't that important to me? It was just another trial in his test, and hopefully the last one at that.

It was better than the alternative.

My earlier encouraging words of _Just suck it up_ scattered through my thoughts as I nodded my head once more, this time more vigorously. To prove my stamina wasn't waning.

Involuntarily a shudder ran down my spine as Jake's fingers left my lips, moved down my neck and to the back of head, mixing in with my hair. His lips were on my forehead a second later, lingering too lightly, yet weighing too heavily. The feeling of his rich, evergreen breath rolled down my face, satiating the hungry pores of my skin.

And then, without my mind so much as processing it, I was following after Jacob into the living room, abstracted with the aesthetic morning light pouring in through the full wall windows. He sat me down on the leather couch, briefly asking me if I wanted anything to drink. I replied quickly with a shake of my head, though now that the offer had passed, my mouth was a bit dry.

And then the empty spot next to me was taken. And then there was the sound of paper being ripped. I flinched.

His hand found one of mine in my lap again, drawing me from my dazed thoughts. He pulled me closer into his naked side, finding my gaze as his other hand held a neatly folded piece of ivory paper. His thumb burned circles along my knuckles, holding my gaze only inches from his.

"I'm not going to force you to read these, Bella. I can see the fear in your eyes, though for the life of my I can't figure out why you're so scared…," he murmured in a deep grumble, somehow chilling my body with its richness.

"But I want you here," he finished, the furrow of his eyebrows making the bare honesty in his eyes look more scarce, as if he was trying to hide and shield himself. But I knew better.

His fingers laced through mine, providing me with a tender squeeze. I nodded yet again, licking my lips in preparation of an explanation to which he didn't ask me directly, "I'm scared of what they say, what you'll think…." I shook my head, breaking his gaze to bring my knees up to my chest, "And I'll stay…I already told you I'd do anything to fix this," I whispered, my lower lip trembling.

"Anything," I repeated with no purpose. The word just lingered heavily, like the humidity on a hot day.

The smile painting his lips was all the remaining persistence I needed. His hand left mine to run through my hair before wrapping his arm around me and pulling me to his chest, so that my head could rest over the gentle beat of his heart. I tried to accord my own racing heart beat with his, to filter his calm into me.

I was unsuccessful. I was too worked up. And maybe this was all just in my head, maybe it won't be as tormenting as I remembered it. As I remembered writing it. But that was just it; I couldn't remember what was written in them. When the mind goes through a traumatic event, it's easy to block it out and forget. For awhile. And that's what I did, and still was doing; trying not to remember those years.

But I'd do anything to be right here, in his embrace, eating up his warmth. A content sigh passed my lips.

Seconds later Jake was unfolding the letter, revealing the scribbles of my handwriting in line of both of our vision.

I stopped breathing.

The date scribbled in the corner, for what it's worth, read July; eleven months ago.

_Jacob,_

_I moved to Sandpoint, Idaho a few weeks ago. The town is right along the border near Washington. Closer, but not close enough. That's why I chose it._

_I got a job at a local café. It's right off the highway, it's called Marietta's. We get a lot of a business from travelers and tourists. Everyday I'm on edge, hoping to see you or someone from the pack walk in…just passing through for whatever reason…stopping for some coffee._

_I'm so twisted, Jacob. I keep imagining that you'll show up, that everything will be fine, and that I can just go home finally once you find me. Because that would be all the reason I'd need, right? _

_But then again, I'm probably nothing more than a regretful memory to you. I really do hope that you're happy, like you should be, and that I was just some bump in your path. _

…

_I spend half my time hating you, and half my time missing you, needing you. _

_I have a lot of time on my hands, you see. In a way, not having anyone or anything to rely on or report to is…relaxing. I feel like I can breathe, but I'm always choking. _

_So yeah…I'm always thinking, lost in my head like I always used to be. Sometimes it's enough to keep me company, to keep me from noticing that I sometimes can't remember the sound of my own voice… _

_But there's nothing to say. The voice coming from me is a stranger's, one I don't recognize. _

_But I think a lot. About different things. Such as, why exactly do I need you? Why does that thought always play occurrence in my mind when I think of you? I need air, I need food, I need sleep. _

_No one needs a person, or a thing, or a feeling. Those are all fleeting, temporary. _

_One night, when I was walking back to my apartment from my nine hour shift at work, I had some weird, movie-like epiphany. I swear my eyes even glazed over and my hand fluttered over my heart, gasping with sound effects and all. _

_Earlier at work this girl Hannah – who in a creepy, odd way reminds me of Quil – was talking to me about how much she wanted a banana cream pie, how much she was craving for it, and as bizarre as it was… I understood what she meant. _

_Because you're my banana cream pie. _

_I was associating needing with aching for a long time, that I missed the association between needing and wanting. _

_I want you. _

_That sounds more abrasive and sexual than intended. Derogatory. Rhetorical. But me needing you sounds reliant, like I'm not my own person. Like how I felt with Edward, which turned into a complete bust didn't it? Because without him I felt like I couldn't breathe, or live…yet you changed that, replacing the ice cold lock on my heart with a soft smile and a promise to never hurt me._

_I want to be with you, I want to see you, I want you. It's what I chose to want, not what I feel I need to have. Does that make any sense?_

…

_Sometimes I blame you, even try to hate you. Which is weak and incredibly, insanely stupid of me. But if you didn't heal me, if you stopped caring about me, then this all would be so much easier. My decision would have been so much easier._

_I wouldn't be stuck here, in some small town, more a lifeless body than you had witnessed before. I could have been with Edward for forever, eternity. You took that away from me. _

…

_I noticed for the first time tonight that I don't have nightmares anymore. Worse than nightmares, I have dreams. Of Forks. Of La Push. Of Charlie, of motorcycles, of warm soda with no fizz, of a russet brown werewolf rescuing me…_

_Its 3:41 a.m, and I can't sleep. Because I'll wake up, thinking I'm lying in my bed back home, with all this reality I've gotten myself into being the nightmare, and you being just a phone call away._

_I'm scared of dreams, not the nightmares that used to plague me. I'd give anything to wake up screaming at the top of my lungs, crying over nothing. _

_None of this makes sense. It shouldn't make sense, actually. _

_I'm starting to get a tan, if you can believe it. _

_I miss my pale skin on your dark skin. I miss your smile._

_I miss you, more importantly. But that won't change a thing, will it? _

_It's getting harder to remember your smile. To remember the three freckles – or is it four? – that hide in your eyes. _

_I don't remember what your laugh sounds like, what your voice sounds like. You'd think it would be so easy to remember those things, those traits, in someone you love; that it's engrained in you. _

_But then again, I don't even remember my own laugh. _

_If I'm ever so lucky to see you again, will I even be able to recognize you? Each day I lose a part of you with myself. Because that's entirely the point; when he healed me, you sculpted me. _

_And everything begins to rust and crack away from weathering overtime. That's what's happening to me. I'm weathering._

_I think about you all the time, so why are you slipping away from me? Are we connected so deeply that you're the one letting go of me, to which I'm losing my grasp on you?_

_I wish I had an answer. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could remember your heart beat. I wish I could remember your warmth and bear hugs. I wish I could let you go like you're letting me go, but it's all I have left, even if it's nothing._

_Please don't forget me. Please forget me. _

_If I lose you, then I'm scared there will be nothing left of me._

_I yell your name in my head every night before I fall asleep, hoping you'll meet me in my dreams. One day you'll hear me.  
Meet me tonight?  
I'll be waiting,  
Bells x_

As I read, the words didn't feel like my own. They were unrecognizable, unfamiliar…as if I was reading someone else's thoughts, their own private revelations.

But no… they were my own. They were just… forgotten, left on a piece of folded paper, having no significance until this moment.

And now…now the memories that accompanied the words hit me like an avalanche of emotion. Everything hurled itself at me; my memory of Jake slowly slipping, hating yet wanting him, my dreams of a russet werewolf coming to my rescue…

The emptiness.

Every single detail, every single ounce of what I locked away in the arcade of my brain was suddenly being broken into by the stealer of my heart.

My hand came to cover my mouth, to suppress the sobs I didn't realize had been choking out of me. I was gasping, panting, wheezing…the walls closing in around me, all splurging into a sudden panic of claustrophobia, of an overwhelming frenzy.

His arm loosened around me, sensing my distress. I was quick to escape, turning my back to him as I leaned forward to place my head between my knees in a feeble attempt to stop the world from spinning around me and coaxing forward the meal I ate for breakfast from nausea. The sobs pushing through me weren't helping.

These occasions weren't rare; I found myself in this position almost too much over the past two years as gravity mocked me. In my head I counted slowly back from thirty, willing myself to take deep inhales of oxygen – which I learned over the years helped reduced my sobs and calm the tremors immensely – while closing my eyes to allow a calm to wash over me.

Thirteen seconds ticked by, as I counted in my head, before I felt Jake's hand on my back, soothing circles up and down my spine as I remained hunched over, unmoving. I buried my face in my hands, gripping and pulling at the hair fanning across my face and over my knees desperately…for some stability, to put the shield back up in my mind.

"I'm sorry, Jacob…I can't do this, I can't read anymore," I whispered, pleaded, apologized, not having the strength to turn around and face him after I got a control on my brain, a control on my heart, and a control on the tremors shaking me.

Shame and guilt began filling me, brimming my eyes with its poisoned tears and deflating the capacity of my heart. I ached, actually ached, to turn around and let him hold me, to chase away the feeling causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up; the feeling that like my letter, Jacob would disperse into thin air leaving me with no memory, leaving me battered and insatiable to stare into his eyes and count the freckles on his irises, to hear his laugh, to memorize his smile and the dimple between his chin, to let his voice lure me into a high of satiation.

Because he's my banana cream pie.

I pushed myself back into a proper sitting position, my fingers digging into the lining of the leather cushion on either side of my legs, my knees slightly reflecting the liquid tears. Much like I had done when I told him about where I was for two years, I couldn't look at him, but I could taste his indifference.

And it tasted like parched cotton mouth and morning breath.

"I'll be right back, alright?" He whispered in a voice that sounded…sorry for me.

The last thing in this world I wanted was to be pitied. Our positions should be reversed.

Without turning to face him, I watched from the corner of my bloodshot eyes to see him gather up the letters in his hands before making a descent up the stairs.

Good. Get them away from me.

I could breathe easier.

Only seconds later was he coming back into the living room, dressed in a pair of jeans and a white v-neck shirt that should be illegal. I, on the other hand, had rolled out of bed, swapped out my sweats for a pair of jeans and left for Port Angeles without a second thought.

Sometimes, and by sometimes I mean all the time, it became hard for me to even look in the mirror at myself. The habit developed into something well…habitual. Very rarely did I look at my own reflection, or care about it.

He came to kneel in front of me, practically making my plan _not_ to look at him insurmountable. I stared down into my lap, pretending the hem of my shirt was interesting enough to hold the attention of my eyes.

One of his hands found their way to my knee, "There are a few things I need to take care of today, Bella," he told me cautiously, with a certain on edge his voice. The kind that resembled 'this is my way of kicking you out' but in a polite, indirect manner.

Before I could even control it, tears poured down my cheeks. They had a mind of their own, I swear. I could only duck my head lower and nod, biting down on my trembling lower lip.

He caught my chin, urging me to face him, "Spend the day with me," he murmured, and how could I possibly turn him down?

"We're not going to talk about…this?" I gestured lamely to the sofa, flopping my hand lazily in the direction where we once sat only minutes ago reading.

"We don't need to right now if you—"

"God, Jacob…stop- STOP treating me like I'm fragile. I need to know what you're thinking, I want you to tell me instead of beating around the bush just to convenience me. You don't _owe_ me anything…," I whimpered, still unwillingly to look him directly in the eye.

In response, he let out a frustrated sigh, "I already told you what I want; to spend the day with you. There will be time for talking later…but for today, all I'm asking is to be with you…. But believe me, we'll talk…about everything, there's plenty of time for that. We both just…need a break from this shit."

I nodded my head curtly, still ducking away from his gaze that I could feel burning straight into my forehead. I knew there would come time for talking, and I wanted to get it over with…so we could move on, not having to pretend there isn't a heated friction in the hair neither of us wants to allude to.

He tugged more forcefully at my chin as I continued to look everywhere else but his eyes. Those eyes….

"Goddammit Bella look at me…it's been two fucking years, just let me see you…."

More than anything, I wanted to look at him…to memorize the shape of his eyes, the emotion hidden behind them, to create a new image in my mind that was lost over the years…

But why replace something that might just be taken away again? It would be like rehashing a mending wound, dousing it with salt and all.

Though my mind was rational, my eyes and heart possessed no argument or theory…they were being controlled by strings, the movements initiated by the man in front of me.

Our eyes met, and because of our proximity of only mere inches separating us, I could only see into his orbs and nothing else. His shone with determination, as if he was purposely allowing me to count the freckles hidden in the chocolate depths that had been lost…

Four. Two in each eye, polka dotting the white around his pupils.

_Four, four, four, four, four, four. _

I repeated the mantra in my mind, as to engrain it to memory.

"Don't do that," he whispered, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

I could only blink, confused with his request as I stared at him like a scared child.

"Don't look away from me, don't hide yourself…I need to see you," Jake finished, swiping away the tears on my cheeks.

I nodded. And then nodded again.

That was the easiest thing anyone could have ever asked me.

* * *

"Paint?" I eyed the metal container of the spoken item in his hand skeptically, "You really shouldn't let me anywhere near that stuff…." I murmured, holding my hands up in defense as Jacob tried to hand it to me.

He let out a completely exaggerated and sarcastic scoff, "And why is that?"

"It involves the ruining of upholstery during one of Renee's whimsical escapades. You don't want to know," I grumbled, recalling the rather large 'olive green' stain on the carpet and loveseat in the living of Renee's home in Phoenix after a disastrous evening of redecorating, beginning with the walls…ending on the carpet and furniture. I lacked any – if not all – artistic ability also.

"Suck it up, Princess. We've got a busy day ahead of ourselves," he winked, plopping the ten pound can in my arms, causing me to stumble under its weight.

I tried to pout my way out of it. Jake only chuckled, sending a shudder through me at the melody of it, which I had every intention of rememorizing. He walked back to the counter he was just at before, producing two more cans of paint – rust red, which was seriously the name of the coloring of the paint – before making his way back to the long cart, to which a heap of wood of all different sizes were stacked.

I watched from a safe distance – Jake not quite believing my 'I'm not a klutz anymore!' confession – as he and some worker from Home Depot wearing one of those orange, bright colored aprons stood, sizing up the long planks of wood and cutting some with a sharp and rather scary looking saw for a special 'project' I'd be helping him with today.

It wasn't hard to piece the two together; wood and paint. We were clearly painting something. Well, it was clear I would be painting something, since it looked as if Jacob would be building something…or rebuilding.

He seemed so at ease, his body looking completely relaxed doing this sort of thing. Maybe rebuilding cars had been Jake's true passion, but it seemed as if building up anything did the job of satisfying him. Fixing and rebuilding was what he was good at, I knew firsthand how well he did that.

Not just from watching him rebuild two motorcycles from scratch in record time, but because he had operated his powers on me, fixing my insides without even the use of his hands.

Occasionally he'd find my glance from where I stood near our cart down the aisle, locking onto my eyes before offering a warm smile, the kind that was contagious enough for my own lips to mimic the weighted gesture and create a surge of butterflies in my stomach.

Ten minutes and another load of wood later, Jacob finally had all he needed for this 'project' – which he continued to refer to it as every time I asked.

"Will you pleeeaaase tell me what we're doing now? If it's something for your work, you really shouldn't let me anywhere near it. I agreed to spend the day with you…not-not to be your little Bob the Builder, handy man –woman –…person!" I grumbled as we walked towards the parking lot, Jake pushing the oversized cart loaded with planks of wood and the three cans of paint.

He only chuckled at me, yet again, before coming to a stop once we reached the truck, "Get in," was all he replied with, rounding the cart to pop open the passenger's side door.

I crossed me arms stubbornly over my chest, trying to muster my 'either tell me or I'm not moving face'.

"Fine, fine. I'll tell you," he sighed, still gesturing for me to get in, "Let me just get this shit loaded into the back, alright?" He motioned towards the long cart filled with today's buys. "And stop pouting," he finished, flashing me a grin.

Well, I guess that explained why we took Embry's truck today instead of Jake's camaro.

I did as ordered, climbing into the too tall truck, smiling indignantly to myself.

Five minutes of silence later, my patience was growing thin, transparent, "We're going to Forks?" I asked as Jacob turned onto the highway leading west.

"La Push," he corrected, beginning to toy with the Embry's old, static radio.

My fingers tapped along the arm rest, coaxing him into a further explanation.

"My dad moved in with Sue a few months ago. He still visits the house occasionally, but it's just…sitting there, practically empty. He wants to sell it, maybe make some money off of it. It's pretty much a piece of shit though, I don't know who the hell would want to buy it…but he wants me to fix it up, make it look 'presentable'. The man's very persuasive…."

Well that explained the 'rust red' paint.

"I told him I'd have it all finished up and ready to go sometime this week…." He murmured, sounding forlorn.

"You don't want him to sell it," I stated rather than questioned. I could tell by the way he avoided my gaze and preoccupied himself by messing with the radio. It was in the little things.

A quick shift in his seat confirmed what I already knew, "No, I don't," he agreed, giving me nothing more.

"Well, I doubt anyone will want to buy it after they see the paint job I'm about to give it…," I smiled slightly, hoping to ease the mood by bantering my lack of artistic touch.

He chuckled, relaxing back into his seat with a grin, "Maybe that's why I brought you along."

I scoffed, looking appalled, "Like you could do any better than me! I happen to remember that god-awful picture you drew to somehow 'represent' Quil and Embry, stick figures and all."

"I was trying not to show off!"

"Oh please…."

He smiled warmly at me as the conversation died down, both of us retreating to the memory of a younger Jake, trying to explain ruefully to me about the 'very homo position' Quil and Embry had ended up in one night after wrestling. After unsuccessfully conveying his words to me, he snatched a pen and paper and began drawing the silly image to create a clear picture in my mind.

It looked like nothing more than a blob on paper, greatly resembling a squashed bug.

The rest of the drive back to La Push was filled with ease, the kind that was so natural between us. It had been lost there for awhile, but it was slowly making an appearance, seeping back into the foundation of our relationship.

We arrived at Black's small red house around noon, clambering out of the car with stiff limbs.

"Head around back, you'll see the spot of the house that still needs painting. I'll be right there," he murmured, handing me a can of paint, a paintbrush, and a tray to pour it in.

I could see the part of the house not yet painted like Jake had told me. It was about a ten foot area on the left side if the house. The color was rusting away, chipping away, weathering away like I once was.

The rest of the house was painted freshly, as if Jake had gotten around to doing it overtime but missed all except this spot. The spot framing right around the window of his room. His _empty_ room, I noticed.

I took to work silently, pouring the red paint into a tray and dabbing the thick paintbrush in it. I bit my lip hesitantly, unsure of where to begin. At some point later on, Jake came around back balancing the planks of wood in his hands, a belt looped around his waist adoring a hammer and nails.

For the good part of the time during the oddly sunny day in La Push, I would watch Jake out of the corner of my eye. He was kneeling on the porch, replacing the creaking and unstable pieces of wooden steps with the fresh, new ones bought today at Home Depot.

There was a thin line of sweat coating his naked torso as his eyebrows were furrowed in contemplation, in deep thought as he worked continuously, prying and nailing. Having the same expression he used to wear when working so adamantly on rebuilding cars.

My weak arm was becoming restless with each stroke it took, coating the already rust red with a new shade. I bent to dip the brush into more of the goo, feeling a wave of hair behind me, consequentially making the hair on my arms and neck stand on edge at the presence of something or someone behind me.

I turned quickly, the brush still held in my hand as a defense, my breathing hitching in my throat. My eyes widened at the sight; Jake stood directly behind me, so close that as I spun around, the brush had drawn a straight and thick line of red paint horizontally across his naked chest.

A hand fluttered over my mouth to suppress the giggles at the sight of the incredulous look on his face as he looked back and forth from his chest to me, looking quite shocked. I backed away, trying to hold back more laughs.

I caught the devilish look in his eye; the mischievous Cheshire Cat grin that told me he was up to something. He eyes flicked to the tray of paint a few feet to my side, his eyes lighting up.

"Don't you dare, Jacob Black," I demanded, knowing exactly what he was up to.

In the blink of an eye, Jake lunged for the paint with his hands, flicking it across my own ratty shirt, the one I had worn to bed last night without bothering to change. My eyes were wide and alarmed as I took in the sight of my splattered clothes and arms.

I turned to run away from his outstretched hands coated in blood red and yelped once I was encircled in his embrace, his hands smearing the paint along my naked arms . I continued to shriek and squirm from his embrace until I was on my feet. Immediately I went for the can of pain, dipping my own hands in it before flicking and throwing some in Jake's direction.

All the while Jake had somehow managed to pick up the tray and dump the load of paint in there on top of my head, leaving me briefly stunned. I retaliated quickly, continuing to toss handfuls of paint from the can in his direction, coating his jeans and torso.

He managed to get a hold on my hands, stopping my attack. I was caught inches from his embrace, both of my hands locked by the wrists in between our bodies. He was laughing, which cued my laughing at our childish behavior. I stood on my tip toes, breaking his embrace to push my slimy hands through his hair for payback as I could feel the paint dripping in mine.

I placed my hand to his chest to steady myself, pulling back to notice it left a hand print. Transfixed at this, my laughing slowly died down, though Jake was continuing to grumble out laughs, as I placed both my hands on his abdomen, creating handprints along his sculpted stomach.

Jake slowly stopped chuckling as my hands continued to imprint themselves on his skin, raising from stomach to chest in slow and sensual movements, my eyes following their trail as I moved to his biceps, stopping once I reached he wrists, leaving him covered in my small marks.

I noticed each and every time his muscles flinched under my touch.

The sight of him caused me to laugh once more for good measure, not wanting the built up heat from the moment to create an awkward tension. His arm was around my waist seconds later, pulling us down.

We both fell onto our backs onto the patch of grass, trying to catch our breath and contain ourselves. Two cans of paint were overturned, dripping into the grass and staining the dirt.

"Shit," Jake muttered at the sight of the wasted paint, but still laughing nonetheless.

"I told you not to let me near paint," I protested, both of us falling silent. This house spoke of a thousand memories and ghost of our relationship; it was almost too overwhelming to bear as a tension built between us.

I was the first to break it.

"Is paint toxic?" I panted breathlessly, rubbing my arms over my face to smear away the paint that managed to mix in with my hair and drip down my face, afraid to inhale it and get lead poisoning.

"Only for you," he chuckled, equally as breathless, "But I wouldn't worry about it," he grinned, turning on his side to face me before his hands found my sides, tickling the tender skin of my ribs from memory as I burst into another round of giggles and squirmed in an attempt to get away from him.

Not much work got done the rest of the day.

Four hours later, once we tried to no avail to clean up the paint staining the grass and dirt and let the sun dry the paint coated on our skin as to not get it in Embry's truck, we were headed back to Port Angeles.

I tilted my head to the side, resting against the headrest to let my tired eyes settle on the man next to me, silently driving the winding roads back to Port Angeles with a look of…contentment on his features.

The sun was casting its last rays of gold light through the window, illuminating the cabin of Embry's truck with a surreal glow, the kind that seemed picture-esque and movie like. It chiseled Jacob's cheekbones and jaw line even further, revealing a man.

The car came to a stop at a light, Jacob turning his head to at me from behind thick lashes. There was only silence as our eyes roamed greedily.

"I like your hair longer," Jake murmured appreciatively, his hand leaving the wheel to run along my matted hair before cupping the side of my face. I leaned into his touch, my eyes closing at the affection.

"I like yours longer, too," I whispered, opening my eyelids to see a modest smile on his lips.

"I've been meaning to cut it soon. Too much of a hassle…," he trailed off as I frowned. His thumb ghosted over my lips, his eyes following intimately before he turned his attention back to the road, taking off into the sunset over the horizon.

"You look ridiculous," I grinned before bursting into a fit of giggles seconds later as I took in the sight of him from our earlier encounter; dried, crusted red hair, smeared cheeks, hand prints matching the size of my hands along his torso and his russet toned arms.

He appraised me for a moment before taking in my own state of being which I could figure looked just as ridiculous. And then he was laughing with me, his head thrown back with howls of laughter from how extremely and absurd, yet hilarious, we looked.

It was carefree; our laughing, that coincided into a beautiful sound.

"I can't believe you did that!"

"It was an accident! You started it!"

"It was payback!"

"Billy's gonna kill you once he sees that mess…," I trailed off, concentrating on breathing and forcing away the giggles.

"Does paint even come out of grass?" I added on at the last second, gripping my aching sides.

"No idea. Either way, no one in their right mind would buy that place," he beamed, still struggling to contain his own laughter.

"Mission accomplished."

He shot me a stunned expression, "Embry's rubbing off on you."

I laughed yet again at the truth in that statement. Embry played too many military video games, I was sure. He was always remarking something as a 'success' or 'mission accomplished and/or adverted'.

This sent us into another wave of laughs, tears beginning to sting the corner of my eyes.

I never felt any happier.

* * *

_A/N: There's a link on my profile for a banner for this story (: I love it! Big thanks to Majesta Mionet who made it for me! Everyone should go check out her story Zenith 'cause it's rockin'._

_Happy reading!_

_-Mae_


	11. Chapter 11

Ch. 11 "Billy's Words"

"Do you know what today is?"

"Today's Friday," I replied matter-of-factly, sitting up straighter against my headboard as my oversized, soon to be step brother plopped down at edge of my bed, near my feet.

I cradled in my arms the latest novel I had been lately sticking my nose into; Roy's The God of Small Things, about forbidden love nonetheless, but the kind that is real and humanly forbidden, in a time of untouchables and touchables.

The kind that puts falling in love with the undead to shame.

"Friday the what…?" Collin gestured with his hand, urging for me to continue.

"Friday the…," I paused, flicking my eyes to the calendar pinned above my desk, having to squint to read the font, "…thirteenth," I finished, puzzled as to way we were talking about this.

"And…," he continued to coax, arching both of his eyebrows up.

I let out a frustrated sigh, "I don't know!" I huffed, setting the book aside and crossing my arms over my chest, "What exactly are you trying to get at?"

"There's a full moon tonight," he grinned, looking like he just discovered that there are, indeed, cookies in a cookie jar. But most of all…he looked so young, so like Jake used to look, and maybe that's why I tolerated him, especially now…when he barged straight into my room like we were siblings.

Finding my own place was becoming more and more desirable.

"Did you come all the way up to my room and disrupt me from reading just to tell me that?" I grumbled, pulling my knees up to me chest as I glared at Collin, trying to look somewhat intimidating.

He snorted a chuckle while shaking his head, "It's Friday the thirteenth, and there's gonna be a full moon. That shit only happens once every four years. It's like some weird-fucking-strange holiday for us Quileute…we celebrate it."

"Watch your language."

"I'm seventeen!"

I hissed a sigh, pushing myself off the heard board of my bed, returning back to the subject, "Your point?"

"My point…is that there's gonna be a celebration down on First Beach tonight, most of the town will be there. The council will be telling stories, y'know…full moon, werewolves…bonfires, dancing, a farmers market type thing…. Everyone gets a kick outta the whole 'full moon and werewolves' myth. Billy likes to play it to his advantage, make up stories and folklore."

He chuckled at my expression.

"And you're telling me this because?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

I shook my head, rubbing a hand over my face in a mixture of annoyance and frustration.

Collin's two blue eyes shot over to my bookshelf before casting a playful grin at me, "Let me speak in a language you might better understand; I have come to warn thee," he fluttered a hand over his chest and lifted his other into the air, imitating the way Romeo would be pictured as kneeling beneath Juliet's window.

"Warn me of what?"

"That my-evil-sister-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken will be there," Collin smiled indignantly to himself, clearly pleased at his subtle blow at Vanessa. I didn't need a reason – like Embry had given me – as to why Collin disliked his sister.

I wasn't sure, being an only child and all, but didn't siblings typically have that rivalry and distaste for each other? Not only that, but his sister just happened to the epitome of 'bitch'.

"What makes you think I'm even gonna go?" I asked, arching an eyebrow, challenging him.

"Well…Charlie's goin', so I figured he'd pity you into tagging along, and…," his grin grew, sucking up his entire face, "…Jake will also be there, so I figure that's reason enough."

I hurled my book at his face, catching him off guard, "You're really starting to get on my nerves," I pouted, trying to look peeved at his statement. His honest and disgustingly true statement.

"Sorry sis. Pack mind and all, comes with its advantages…such as tormenting you. It's what siblings do." The same grin still danced mockingly back at me.

"Great," I grumbled under my breath, having forgotten for the most part about that sort of the thing; the 'nothing stays secret for long' clause when it comes to Jake and the pack. I could only pray that what I had told Jacob about the past two years and what he read in my letters were locked away in the confinements of his mind.

Even though I felt wary, I still trusted him. It was, and would always be, a natural inclination.

"So, anywho, get ready 'cause Charlie already left and you're my ride. I told him I'd be able to convince you. And…if you so much as think twice about going, I'll just have to keep telling you more embarrassing stuff I've learned about you recently and the only way you'll get me to shut up is to agree to go," he beamed, saluting before exiting my room.

I fell onto my back, slinging an arm over my eyes. It couldn't hurt to go, right? And after the way things went with Jacob, he wouldn't mind, right?

My mind easily escaped back to three nights ago, after we arrived back at Jake's loft from our painting mishap….

_We arrived back in Port Angeles just as the sun was casting final glimmers of its fluorescence. Things continued throughout the drive to be…easy, for lack of a better word. So tempting of the way they used to be between us that for almost a minute, it was simple to forget the truth in our realities._

_For awhile there, it was just Jake and Bells. For awhile. _

_Every person we walked by on our way through the lobby to his loft did a double take of us, either pointing or laughing at the appeals of our state of being, hidden under rust red paint._

_Jacob didn't even seem to notice the attention. But then again, when did people not turn their heads when he walked by? I was having a problem with all the stares; it seemed as if I couldn't duck my head low enough to escape the looks. _

_If only I could be more like Jacob. His confidence equated to my shy, self consciousness. _

"_You can use the upstairs bathroom to get cleaned up," Jacob offered as we walked into his empty loft, making our way to the kitchen. _

_The mood had changed. Over the course of our long drive up here, something had changed. It wasn't difficult to sense Jacob's hesitancy. I could tell he was lost in his thoughts, digesting all of the information I had given him._

_And now, now it was transparent among his demeanor. _

_It was unsettling. _

_As much as I'd like to take him up on the offer, I rebutted weakly, "It's getting late…I should probably head back. I didn't tell Charlie I was coming up here…I don't want him to…um…get scared," I mumbled, wincing at my poor choice of words. _

_His expression tightened. His lips pursed into a thin line. But he nodded stiffly as we stared at each other from across the foot of space separating us. No matter the length, something always seemed to be separating us. _

_I didn't move, besides the occasional shift of my weight on my tired and paint-coated legs. I was hanging onto a string of hope that I could walk away, knowing I'd see him again…that he'd want to see me again._

_It was making it difficult to leave with my uncertainty. _

"_Sorry—" I fumbled to apologize for this morning, for how I reacted to the letters, but his hand held up in defense stopping anymore words from falling past my lips. _

_Another long pause itched between us. My lips pursed tightly at his muteness. I swallowed down my pride, forcing my feet to turn away from him to leave…yet I was halted by his hand reaching out to clasp around my arm, effectively stopping my retreat. _

_There was a certain pain in his eyes._

"_C'mere, honey," he whispered softly, sensing my distress as he was pulling me into his embrace. His hold on me was tight, but not quite suffocating. He was holding me as if knowing – or somehow sensing – how much I hurt, how easily I could, quite literally, shatter into a million different pieces. _

_How easily I felt like I could._

_And just like he had done two years ago, he still managed to always know the diagnosis of how to hold me together. Although the times were different for the both of us, it always felt completely right and like being in his embrace was enough to squash the demons of my fears._

_I furrowed my head deeper into his chest, the slow thumps of his heart shadowing mine. I let out a shaky shudder, one that let all the stress flow from my body as tears stung my eyes from a slight relief of being here. _

_I folded into him easily._

_It felt like a forgotten moment, a forgotten embrace. One we'd both been itching for over the past two weeks. _

_As amazing as today was, I was still stressed. About an abundance of things. And with Jacob holding me, he somehow shattered those fragile glass walls shielding my emotions that were now springing out. _

_Stress. Worry. Nerves. Fear. All of them associated with losing him, with the pain of two years, with the knowledge of coming back home into a different world. _

_I felt his hands roam along my back and through my hair as my breathing continued to echo shakily, nervously. My arms clung around his thick abdomen with all the strength I could muster, which was little to none._

_The way we were both clinging uselessly to one another felt like…goodbye. A goodbye that was swelling my throat stinging my eyes. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a hello. A new beginning. A reset button._

_The seconds ticked on, neither of us having the strength to move. I was content not to. _

_His lips were at my ear mid thought, tickling the bare skin along my neck with his humid breath as he whispered, "I'll see you soon."_

_I wasn't sure what this meant, but I knew it was a good thing. A positive hint. I nodded my head just as soon the words left his lips, sucking back sobs, trying to bury myself deeper into him, to somehow join my red painted handprints imprinted on his torso and arms. _

_In a forced attempt, I pulled back to catch his gaze, holding my breath as I did so. The questioning in my eyes didn't go unnoticed as Jacob searched the anguish dancing behind them. He understood my next words without me actually speaking them. Without me having to beg, "is this your decision then?" and, "please don't give up on me," and "please let this be a good sign."_

_I gulped in fresh mouthfuls of air, teetering on the edge of his next words. _

_He sighed heavily, shutting his eyelids in unison as he leaned downwards so our foreheads were resting together. The heat dripped through my skull, clouding my already unfocused brain._

"_I can't not have you in my life, Bella," he spoke delicately, showing signs of vulnerability, "It's not gonna be easy, and…and there's still so much we need to talk about, but loosing you again – especially now – would kill me…." His voice reached a too sensitive timbre and cracked. I felt him struggle to contain it. A slight grumble in his chest resonated._

"_But you're right; you should get home. Charlie's probably worried…but… I'll see you soon?" Jake finished, sounding oddly nervous that I would…reject his offer. _

_The one I constantly was begging him for._

"_See you soon," I repeated his words, a slight smile etching onto my once frowning lips. _

_Jake's brilliant smile appeared moments later, letting out a certain shine. He gently cupped either side of my face with both his hands, under my jaw. The pads of his thumbs brushed away the few tears leaking from the corner of my eyes. _

_Not hurt, or pained tears. But happy, relieved tears. I closed my eyes contently, inhaling his certain pine three and evergreen musk as I heard him do the same with me. _

"_I was there, y'know…," he murmured contently._

"_Hmm?" I hummed, lost in a state of daze due to his nearness and the flourishing happiness._

"_I was there," he repeated earnestly, rubbing his thumbs across my cheekbones in an urge for me to open my eyes. _

"_What—" I stammered, pulling back to find his glassy eyes on mine, a predatory fire and need framing them. He leaned closer. Just as the word passed my mouth, I was instantly silenced by his lips just barely grazing my own trembling ones before I could finish my question. _

"_I was there, Bella. I met you…. Every single goddamn night," he continued to place gentle and slow kisses to be lips in between each pause, "In my dreams…I was always there with you…I always was," he breathed heavily, letting his tongue flick along my lower lip. _

_I remained frozen. Not sure if it was his words, or his actions that had me paused in time. _

_Through the mantra of my pulsating heart beat and the throbbing in my head, I couldn't think. But the confession of his words – in response to my letter and begging for him to meet me in my dreams – had fresh, heartwarming tears already brewed and ready for spilling in my eyes._

_Jacob's lips never let up. They moved in tender, sensual patterns from my slightly parted lips to my jaw, and then slowly retreating to my bare neck with a longing need. And all I could do was stand there, eyes shut, gulping in air to my oxygen deprived body._

_Just as I was regaining my mentality, the phone in the loft started wailing with a high pitched ring._

_Neither of us paid any attention to it. It was just a distant sound, in another world, because we were so lost in each other. _

_My fingers and nails dug into the skin of Jake's arms, trying to find my balance as I craned my neck to allow more access to his touch. A slight whimper escaped me as his teeth grazed under my jaw._

_The voice leaving a message on the answering machine was the one thing that stopped us both, his lips now only a centimeter from mine. Both of our uneven breaths mingled as we stared into each other's eyes, filled with shock and a pang of sickening dread. _

"_Hey baby, it's me. I know we've been fighting lately you're thinking of ending it…and I'm sorry for everything, Jake. Let me make it up to you tonight, I'll stop by later. Let's just forget about this shit and move on. You're better than her. Remember that. I love you. Call me back." _

_The voice spoke of a wistful innuendo._

_It was a female's voice._

_A female's raspy, unique voice._

_I knew that voice._

_Vanessa._

_I shivered from a foul chill that plagued my spine. And just like that the walls crashed down around us, sending everything that was just rebuilt throughout the day to pieces._

_I watched, inch by inch, as Jacob's body tensed; spreading from his broad shoulders, down to his twitching fingers now gripping my hips. He caught my two wide eyes, my expression blanching and going a whiter shade of pale. _

_I wanted to scream._

"_Bella—" he spoke quickly, his voice deep and rigid. I even sensed a bit of…fear? Was it the same fear I was feeling; of starting back at square one, when all we wanted was our normalcy? Something we inched closer to today, now suddenly feeling a hundred thousand miles away, taking my heart with it?_

_I was quick to cut him off, not wanting to hear it. Any of it. I didn't deserve to be given an explanation._

"_No. Please, stop," I swallowed down the lump of hurt in my throat, "Look…today was…good…right?" I asked weakly, hating that it all just deteriorated in the snap of a finger, a blink of an eye._

_Because with a high there always comes the crash. _

_He only nodded his head cautiously, agreeing._

"_Then let's just…leave it at that, okay?" I begged in a broken mantra, looking away from him and to the wooden floorboards before I took a wobbly step backwards and out of the fog of heat sucking me into him._

_Today had been good. Today had been perfect. I refused to let it be ruined by one thing. By someone who involuntarily always showed up at all the wrong times. But who was I kidding? Things were already decimated. _

_I turned to leave quickly, ignoring the angry – more like livid – look on Jake's face. Again, I wasn't sure where that was coming from. Was it from Vanessa calling? Or him realizing that Vanessa was right, and that he is better than me? More deserving. That I really shouldn't be given a second chance._

_But his whisper of a voice gave me all I needed to know._

"_See you soon."_

"Bellaaaa! Your mom's on the phone!" Collin's obnoxious voice yelling at me from downstairs drew me from memory, from Jake's warm embrace. My eyes flashed open to come face to face with my opaque ceiling, the cracks of it practically mocking me and welcoming me back into the world's cold arms.

I took the stairs with blithe steps, wishing I could have retreated back to the memory of Tuesday for the rest of the day. If it had been anyone else calling for me, I would have stayed in my room…left to my thoughts and diagnosing each of them.

"Hey, mom. What's up?" I asked into the phone, my eyes narrowing in on Collin who busied himself by eating, which shouldn't have surprised me.

"Hi, baby. How are you? I have some great news! I've been talking to Phil and Charlie for a few days, trying to figure things out…and well, I'm coming to visit on Monday! I just scheduled my flight! Oh sweetie, I've missed you so much…I couldn't wait any longer!"

I was stunned speechless. With happiness and a childish glee, nonetheless, that choked up raw tears.

"Bella? Honey? Is that okay?" Renee asked, sounding more cautious.

"No, mom…it's great! I-I can't wait to see you…I've missed you so much…I can't wait." My eyes continued to well with tears at this and became apparent in my thin voice. A slight smile graced my features.

There was a squeal on the other line before Renee found her voice, "I'll see you in three days then! Oh, I can't wait honey! Phil's yelling at me to focus on dinner, he doesn't want me burning the house down. Can you believe it? I'm actually cooking! He wants me to tell you he misses you too. Love you, Bella! See you soon sweetie!"

"Love you too, mom," I whispered, smiling to myself despite the tears. But, for once, they were happy tears…the ones choked up by the authentic emotion that never hurled itself at me, the kind that I welcomed.

I took off up the stairs before Collin could make a remark, to which I could imagine him rolling his eyes and making some comment about overzealous emotional girls. I was thrilled at my mom's revelation.

Sure, I had almost gone a whole year when I first moved here without seeing Renee. But there was something different about being able to see someone, and not being able to see someone. It made the want and need even more expansive, like the width of the oceans.

That was the last thing I needed. To see my mom. It would make it all better, make it all worthwhile. Monday couldn't come fast enough.

It was an hour later after I was showered, dressed, and cleaned up that I returned back to the living room to find Collin flipping through MTV. He made a few rash and sarcastic comments about how girls 'spend too much time on their appearance'.

Little did he know I wasn't one of those girls.

We were only a minute into the drive towards La Push that I noticed Collin seemed distant. A bit hesitant. And it was only two minutes into the drive before he compelled himself to speak whatever was weighing him down.

"He doesn't, y'know…." Collin trailed off, glancing out the window.

"Who doesn't what?" I asked feebly, my mind elsewhere to really be interested in what Collin had to say. I was too strung up and wrapped around a certain faint memory of warm lips.

"Jake. When I told you before about the pack mind and hearing things about you, it's not from Jake. He doesn't think about…stuff like that, he…I don't know…locks it away somehow. It's the other guys I found out things from, about you," he murmured, having sensed my apprehension earlier in my room.

I stiffened, gripping the steering wheel tighter in my grasp, "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I asked weakly.

In a way, I already trusted Jacob with our private revelations. I never consciously doubted him. Yet Collin seemed to think he was mistaken for leading me to think so, and at least he had the remorse and kindness to tell me.

But the fact that the pack had unsettling things to say about me caused my stomach to drop. And it made me feel more unwelcomed, even though I was trying hard not to convince myself of that. All in all, it was making me feel more paranoid…like I _really wasn't_ welcomed.

Collin shrugged, grinning at me, "Please, Bella…don't sound so surprised that you're all everyone's talking about. There ain't shit happening out on the rez. You're the latest news and the most exciting thing to happen since Brady got pussy whipped."

Without thinking, I took a swing at his upper arm from across the car. It was both an awkward and failed attempted. I winced at the pain shooting up my throbbing fingers, hissing through my teeth.

"Ow! What the hell! Are you made from steel or something?" I bit my bottom lip to somehow take the pain away from my sure to be bruised right hand.

"Nah, maybe you're just made from jello, ya softy. I didn't even feel that! You gotta work on that swing. How have you survived all these years on your own?" he roared out a chuckle, tossing his head back.

I sensed his sarcasm, but I replied matter-of-factly, "Pepper spray and mace."

"Seriously? You've never thrown a punch?"

"Do I look like I know how to throw punch?"

He snorted his amusement, "Not at all! We gotta work on that, sis. You can't go walkin' around all defenseless."

I shrugged to his offer, turning my attention back to the road, the throbbing of my fingers reminding me that in truth, I was defenseless. Except for the can of pepper spray Charlie had conveniently given to me all those years ago.

"Make a right turn," Collin instructed minutes later, pointing to the road ahead.

My nose crinkled, "I thought we were going to the beach?"

"Later. First we're having dinner at Sue's."

"You didn't tell me that!" I shot him an evil glare.

"Yep. I guess I forgot," he drawled sarcastically, grinning mischievously in my direction.

"Ugh. Who's all gonna be there?" I asked meekly, a bit perturbed I had even agreed to this in the first place. My lower lip was experiencing most of this resentment.

"Our parents, Nessa, Sue, Billy, Seth, Leah, and…Jake probably. Only if he doesn't flake," he half smiled, beginning to toy with window, rolling it up and down.

"I can't believe you tricked me into this," I frowned, making a reluctant right turn towards the Clearwater's house, feeling the familiar twang of anxiety twist up inside of me, coiling like a snake in my chest.

"It's just a _nice, family_ dinner."

"Yeah, a dinner with people who hate me," I mumbled, still wincing from the slight pain in my hand that was now turning an odd shade of red and blue.

"No one hates you, sis. I mean, Ness and Leah may not _like_ you, but they're all talk. It's more jealousy than anything else…."

I didn't have it in me to ask him exactly what he meant by that statement. I could see from the corner of my eye that Collin was gauging my reaction. Through the pain of my hand and my dazzled thoughts, I fought for a change in subject and went with the first thing that came to mind other than the odd circumstance me and his sister were taking part in.

"Whatever happened to your dad? Did your parents split?" I asked, figuring the question would come sooner or later. Charlie hadn't mentioned much about Ali's past, relationship wise.

He began fidgeting with the window again, "He passed away about five years ago from cancer."

"Oh," I bit the inside of my cheek, "I'm sorry Collin…."

"Eh, it's fine. I never thought I'd be cool with seeing my mom date again, let alone getting married. But Charlie's tight, even though he's the chief of police," he grumbled under his breath, offering me a slight smirk to ease the downtrodden.

"Yeah, he mentioned you used to be a bit of a troublemaker…."

He snickered, "Once upon a time," he frowned, "The rez isn't all sunshine and roses. Most of the kids are either dropouts or addicted to some sort of drug. But Jake and Sam set me straight," he half smiled.

"Well…good," I whispered, not sure how to respond. I could remember Jake telling me about the rez's not so good rep…and how he used to fear that Sam and the pack were behind it, which turned out to be the complete opposite. Thankfully.

"Soooo…what's it like to date a bloodsucker?" Collin grinned, holding his hands up in defense as I went to hit him again, only to realize I would probably break my hand this time if I attempted.

"You're unbelievable."

"What? It's a valid question! I mean…," he crinkled his nose and shuddered for affect, "it's just…weird."

"That's like asking what it's like to date a werewolf," I retorted, squaring my jaw.

"What _is_ it like to date a werewolf? It's probably like a million fucking times better than a leech. We're so much hotter! And I don't just mean temperature wise."

"I've never dated a werewolf, so I wouldn't know," I smirked.

"Well…what's it like to _kiss_ a werewolf?" Collin belted out a serious of chuckles as soon as my face fell and my skin blanched. I almost lost control of the jeep at that point too. I was sure I was now hidden under a glowing blush.

"Sorry, sis. Jake can't exactly keep _everything_ secret. We all slip up."

I scowled, having no response except to speed the car up, eager to face a room full of people who may or may not like my mere existence rather than take anymore of Collin's brutal questions or comments. Although I could tell he wasn't purposely doing it in spite of me. For the most part, he was teasing. Yet he didn't seem to have a full grasp – like the rest of the pack did – on mine and Jake's relationship.

If you could call it that.

I gave him the cold shoulder instead, hoping guilt would eat at him and he'd hinder himself from constantly butchering me with these questions and sarcastic sneers.

"Besides, some of the things he's thought 'bout Ness are way worse. I mean, c'mon! She's my sister dude! Gag me! I'm fucking scarred for life!"

Apparently not.

I winched. He didn't seem to notice as he remained lost in oblivion.

Ten minutes later we were parked out front of the Clearwater's residence. My apprehension and dire want to _not_ go in there were tangible enough to taste.

"C'mon Bellaaaa," Collin whined, hoping out the jeep and rounding it to pop open my door, "Sue's making her famous fettuccini Alfredo…you can't seriously want to pass that up! I'll protect you from Ness if she goes psycho-crazy-girlfriend on you," he winked before tugging me from the protection of my seat.

My stomach growled greedily at the mention of food, and it didn't go unnoticed to Collin her made a comment about how 'I would die' eating Sue's Alfredo because 'it's fucking awesome'.

"Fine, whatever…let's just get this over with. I still can't believe you tricked me into this," I huffed, crinkling my nose and following after him inside the house.

Seth, Billy, and Charlie were all seated in front of the plasma television, watching what I could presume was baseball. They all looked up at our entrance.

"Bells! I'm glad you made it honey. You're just in time for dinner!" Charlie smirked, standing to embrace me in a slight hug.

"Yeah, I wouldn't miss it," I half smiled, trying to show some sincerity to my father who was still constantly pushing me to make an effort and bond with our new family.

"You gonna stay for the celebration down on First Beach too? Billy here says it's gonna be a night to remember," he grinned, clapping said person on his shoulder.

"That it is, Charlie. The whole town'll be there. You wanna miss it…there'll even be fireworks."

I tugged my lips into a smile, slightly turning my head to see Vanessa and Leah both branding holes straight into the back of my head. With as much persistence as I could, I tried to ignore them and search further around the room…taking note that Jacob was nowhere to be seen.

My heart fell.

"Bella? Why don't you join me out back, dear?" Billy asked rather politely before things got awkward, hinting in a very subtle way that he'd like to talk to me in private. No one in the room paid attention to our quiet exchange besides Charlie.

Of course the first thing that entered my mind was negative. Was he displeased that I was being let back into his son's world after I shattered it? Was he warning me like he had done all those years ago at prom when he sent Jake to me with a direct message?

Never in his life had Billy been in the least bit rude or bitter. And never in my life had I been frightened of him.

Until now.

My heart stopped and then stooped low in my stomach as I forced my head to nod and follow him out the back and onto the patio. I leaning against the railing, gripping the wood in my left hand as securely as possible since my right one was still aching.

I gave Billy a frantic once over. He looked…relaxed, yet insightful, like he was about to pour out all the secrets of the world in a metaphor to me, leaving me puzzled with wise words of wisdom. His hands were clasped in his lap, his eyes distant as they stared into the retreating sun.

I gulped loudly.

"You've always been a very smart girl, Bella," Billy started, both of his eyebrows furrowing into deep thought.

I imagined his next words being something of the sort; "you were always so smart, what happened to you? How could you run away like that and leave your family behind? Stupid, stupid, stupid girl…"

Or maybe he was about to scold me about the mess Jake and I created in the back yard of his old house. That could qualify as a 'not-so-smart decision'.

I still had red paint flecks in my hair to prove it. Not to mention it took a good hour of scrubbing in the shower to return to my normal shade of pale.

Or he could be telling me to leave his son alone.

But that was just my silly, pessimistic subconscious voice of reason always flashing to the negative.

"I've never once doubted your intentions or your reasoning. You've got a good head on your shoulders and a goal in mind, I've always admired that about you," he smiled warmly. So warmly that in Billy I saw Jacob. They had many of the same similarities and attributes.

Like their warmth, their knowledge, their passion. Their free spirit.

"And I've always thought of you as another daughter, you know that," I nodded unsurely, not quite catching onto to his point. I waited patiently for him to continue, letting my nerves quell once seeing a bright light shining in his eyes, though never willing myself to catch his gaze in fear of what I'd find.

He didn't seem angry or cross, not in the slightest. He looked so…wise, like any second now he would grace me with a piece of advice that I'd be pondering over for the next week.

I counted seventy one seconds of silence before Billy found the words he seemed to be searching for.

"You know Bella, there are many similarities that I don't think you're seeing between this situation and the one you went through two years ago. Something which may help you understand all of our feelings more, including Jacob's…."

"I know it's tense in there for you, kid. Thought I'd steal you away and give you my two cents, for whatever it's worth," he winked good-naturedly.

I forced up a weak, fake smile and began fidgeting nervously.

Forty seven seconds later, Billy was speaking again.

"Charlie used to call me all the time, back two years ago when Edward had left you. He was scared, unsure of what to do for you…more importantly he was worried for you, if you were ever going to get better. You probably hadn't made the distinction, but it was easy for me to. I've known your father a long time, Bella. Back before he was married to Renee in college, even. He was worried you'd end up like him, after your mother…left. He didn't handle it so well…and still, even years later, he's been dealing with it.

He wasn't sure how to help you since he still hadn't been able to help himself. That's what worried him most. It was especially hard for us to see you that way…You were broken, depressed…we've all gone through that and experienced it before. And then you started hanging around Jacob more. Both Charlie and I appreciated that, and saw how much you changed. Your father thanks Jake everyday for whatever it was he did to help you. A connection like that only comes across once in a blue moon.

You remember, don't you? How hard those few months for you had been?"

I stared intently down at the ground, nodding my head, knowing exactly where he was going with this. Tears were already preparing to fall from my eyes, and my heart felt like it would splinter and erode if he spoke those words.

My eyes clenched shut in a sluggish attempt to go numb.

"Well, to put this in a greater perspective for you, that's exactly what Jake went through. He was an exact mirror image of how you were, how you felt. The only other time I saw him so depressed and lifeless was when his mother passed away, when he was only a kid."

I hung my head lower in shame, not even bothering to try and stop my crying. I wasn't crying for myself though. I was crying for Jacob.

"Now, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself, Bella. Like I said, you've always had a good head on your shoulders; you do what you have to for those around you. I've never seen someone so selfless. But I want you to know this. To know that through these past years, it hasn't been easy for any of us…strictly because of Jacob's actions. Like we had been for you, we wanted nothing more than to help him. Many people in that room care deeply for him, and because of all their strength and love we managed to bring Jake back to us. It took a hell of awhile, but when someone is able to bring you back from something like that, feelings grow.

And I'm not just talking about Vanessa. The whole pack was there throughout the ride, they all helped. Him being Alpha made their connection as strong as it's ever been, which has helped him a lot. I think having Sue in the picture as a mother figure for him has helped too. Yes, Vanessa and Leah were both parts in this as well – we all were. Just like how we were for you. You should realize that.

Everyone is very…fragile with Jacob. He still has his moments…but I've never seen him happier in the past two years than in these past two weeks, ever since you've been back. Everyone in there sees that…they all know how much he loves you, and how much more…himself he is, the old Jacob. You may think they all hate you…but with the way Jake's been, we're all very grateful and thankful to see him like this…because of you. Just think about that," he spoke in a raw voice, one with deep emotion and perceptive age.

He turned in his chair, about to wheel back inside before he looked over his shoulder, catching my two shocked eyes.

"And Bella? Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, especially when they've given them to you, but don't put up with people who are reckless with yours, sweetie. I don't want to see either of your hurt again."

And with that he took off inside, leaving my stomach and jaw on the ground of the patio. Yet more importantly, he left me with an array of thoughts to cluster my mind, giving me more than enough to process.

I sank into one of the chairs, burying my face in my hands. The fact that yes, I had inflicted the worst kind of pain on someone else – someone so important to me – was sickening. The kind that I had experienced firsthand and had just barely lived through, never wanting ever in my life to make someone else feel that low and used.

Somewhere deep inside my mind I knew what I had done to Jacob, but I never allowed myself to think about it because of how completely guilty and dirty it made me feel. I never allowed myself to make comparisons the way Billy just had, even though I knew they were there.

As much as I didn't want to be the one taking on Edward's role, it was the simple yet pitiful truth. I could use the excuses that we were different; that Edward chose to leave me, to lie to me, to put me in misery, and I could use that to somehow higher myself into thinking that what I did was better.

That wasn't the case. There were more striking similarities, that only now did I see.

Edward left to protect me from his family, from his lifestyle. My life was at risk being around them – though I liked to differ otherwise. He was doing it for my sole intent, for my safety…even though it killed him.

I did the exact same, with no minor differences, to Jacob. I never _wanted_ to stay away, but his safety – because of the potential risk of his life – I did. I steered clear, so that neither Jake nor anyone from La Push or my family would be killed in spite of me.

It was the exact same.

There was only one difference; I came back. But in all actuality, it didn't account for anything. Trust is an important thing to carry, but it's tough to find.

I hadn't meant for any of this to happen. It was all some joke of fate.

There were three things I needed in that moment. One was aspirin (my mind was running too fast with weak legs), the second was to talk with Jacob. To talk about everything, to lay our feelings and emotions out on the table for grand view to dissect, and the third was to apologize. To get down on my knees and promise to never hurt him, to promise to take away his pain. To help heal him.

Like he had done for me.

* * *

_A/N: Follow me on twitter! The link is on my profile. & if you're on jacob-black-n-pack, add me as a friend there too!_

_Thanks for the reviews (:  
Soon you'll be learning about Bella's time spent with the Cullens and more about events in the past two years for both J&B!_

_-Mae_


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12 "Full Moon Desire"

It took all of five minutes for me to gather my emotions and return inside inconspicuously.

I had never been more thankful for the private realm of my mind, which was only mine to access and hidden from other prying eyes. I could play a straight face, but my mind would in no way suffice.

With the complexity of my thoughts – not ranging far from Billy's speech and Jacob, but encompassing it enough to cause quite a stir – I was able to keep a rather content look about my face.

With skill comes practice.

Lots of practice.

The tears I once cried had ended with the realization of _yes I need to talk with Jacob down to the nitty gritty and apologize_. Billy had made one good – and irksome – point throughout his mantra; that Jacob was, in simple terms, happier – more in tune and alive – because I was here. And just like Jacob, I was feeling the exact same way, being in his presence, unexplainably.

It only took me all of five minutes and Billy's wise yet painfully brutal speech to realize that we were deeply bonded and connected that we both had the unknown ability to heal the other, to make each other feel wholesome.

On my behalf, that was the truth. Spending time with Jacob was like cozying up in front of a fire with my favorite batch of ice cream. It was…relaxing. And I wanted more of it. I always wanted more of it, especially after Edward had abandoned me.

I couldn't be one hundred percent sure if that was the case with Jacob; he hadn't quite poured out his emotions and handed them to me on a platter yet. But there must be some truth in Billy's words; why would he lie about Jake's uppity mood – despite a few missteps – over the past few weeks if that wasn't the case?

Yes, Billy was wise and gentle, but in no way would he sugar coat the truth.

I went through all the motions of rubbing away the salty tears in my ears, clearing my rasped and emotional voice to sound _normal_, and making sure there were no tear stains coating the slightly pink blotches near my eyes.

And once five minutes rolled around I headed back inside with the confidence of having the final talk with Jacob. The talk which included me promising to the best of my ability to never leave him, to let me take care of him, to let me be there for him. And also the talk that would also clarify some things for me; like what he went through during those torturous two years – because I deserved to be shamed into a deep swell of guilt – and what he's thinking right now, about me.

No one had moved their positions from the living room…and Jacob was still absent.

Good, it would give me more time to process just how I would go about this task, since I feared Jake's retreat with my wanting to resolve everything. Because I wanted _us_.

Or as close to it as we could get.

I'd have to plan this carefully. The last thing I wanted was to pressure or push Jacob back into his uglier, shielded self.

I shot Charlie a tiny smile when he heard my approach before someone was lightly grabbing my arm, stealing away my attention (which wasn't much, especially with what was on my mind).

"Bella! Sue and I would love some help in the kitchen. The more hands the better," Ali smiled warmly, letting her offer hang in the air.

"I'd love to help," I murmured, returning the smile with a slight newfound glory. Maybe Billy was wrong, or maybe he was right, but I'd hold onto his idea that everyone was thankful on behalf of my presence rather annoyed by it.

Wasn't there some clichéd saying of 'ignorance is bliss'?

"Great! Ness, why don't you head upstairs and get Rach and Leah from her room, then help set the dining room table? Dinner should be finished up pretty soon," Ali announced to the room, only receiving a few grunts from the four men, all absorbed in the television.

Ali beckoned for me to follow her into the kitchen, where Sue greeted me with a soft smile which reached the wrinkles around her aged eyes, "It's nice to see you, Bella. You should start coming around more to help with the cooking. Charlie's constantly gushing about how good your cooking is!"

I blushed, shrugging my shoulders, "Well…I don't know about that. But I'd love to help."

"I'm just about finished with the fettuccini; I'm adding my secret ingredient now—" she winked, "—but the salad still needs to be prepared. Think you can manage?"

I nodded swiftly as Sue turned her attention back to the stove and Ali began transferring slabs of garlic bread from pan to platter.

I was a bit taken back by the large portioning of the food. I'd only witnessed the pack's appetite on occasions, though by memory I could faintly remember Jake's frightening appetite…which would be multiplied by three with the other werewolves in the house.

"So Bella, have you found your own place yet? I remember you mentioning something about getting a job in Port Angeles…." Ali was the first one to speak minutes later above the sound of boiling water and the chopping of vegetables I was carefully slicing to mix in with the Italian salad.

"Not yet," I frowned, concentrating on my task at hand; ending up in the hospital for lacerations was a sure way to ruin this 'family dinner', "But I think sometime this weekend I'll head up there and start searching for a small place…."

"I think Sea Side apartments are having a sale for renting…you might want to start there. It's right along the beach and everything, a bit secluded and quiet…not in the busy part of town."

"Thanks. I'll definitely check those out," I murmured appreciatively at my soon to be step mother's kindness that never seemed to once waver.

Over the past few days I came to a simple conclusion; I need _my_ own place. My own place for myself. And though the idea of living with Embry and Jake was tempting, that's all it was.

The only con to living by myself was the reminder of my life over the past two years. Living alone gets lonely.

Maybe I could find a roommate. Of the female gender.

Ten minutes later, after I was done adding the finishing touches to my salad with cherry tomatoes, dinner was ready.

Collin went to dig in first, but was stopped by Charlie swatting away his hand, "Let the ladies serve themselves first, kid. There will be nothin' left once you two get to it," he smirked, casting a glance to Collin and Seth, both impatiently waiting for the 'ladies' to help themselves, all the while twiddling their thumbs in anticipation.

I took small portions since my appetite wasn't as nearly as large as those around me. Collin patted the open seat next to him, motioning for me to join him on the other side of the table, away from Vanessa, Rachel and Leah at the opposite end.

What a savior.

I let out a drastic sigh before whispering a quiet, "Thanks," to him, receiving a grin and wink in return.

Just then, as everyone was settling into their seats and digging into their meals, the door swung open and in walked Jake and Paul, both wearing matching wide smiles and distant chuckles over some absurd joke.

"Paul? What're you doin' here?" Seth mumbled with a mouth full of noodles, since this was a presumed 'family' dinner with the Clearwater/Black's and Swan/Akkin's.

"I couldn't wrangle him in from seeing Rach," Jake chuckled an apology as he rounded the large table to give Billy a pat on the shoulder and a kiss on the forehead to Sue, "Sorry we're late – traffic," he mumbled, still smiling as he took the only open seat on the opposite side of the table, next to Billy and his sister.

I caught the glimpses of the faces around me, which seem stunned into a silent shock at what I could only presume to be Jake's uncharacteristic…flamboyance.

To me, he was the spitting image of the person I remembered him to be two years ago, but by the looks on Sue's and Billy's face, it almost looked unusual for them to see this type of free spirited behavior.

I was sure everyone in the room – who were werewolves, that is – heard the spike in my heart rate when Jake walked in, because it was drumming incessantly inside of my ears all too loudly.

Paul made a beeline for his imprint, placing a passionate kiss to her lips that made not only me blush from the intensity of it before he swept her up in his arms, taking her place in the seat with Rachel now in his lap.

"Smells great!" Paul approved, loading more food onto Rachel's plate as she grinned sheepishly, murmuring words of affection to him.

As if this had already been rehearsed, Seth and Collin both made gagging noises at the sheepish PDA the imprint couple was partaking in, to which Paul threw – with much force – a piece of garlic bread at both of their heads, earning loud protests and disapprovals from the parents in the room.

Things took a drastic turn into the realms of awkwardness as the laughing died down, and though I didn't risk looking up, I could feel Paul's incredulous look at my presence.

"Delicious salad by the way," Collin nudged me with his elbow while offering me a reassuring smile, then stuffing more of said delicacy into his mouth.

I could only half smile at him with a silent 'thanks yet again for always trying to console me when I'm having a mini freak-out'. As conversation started back up, I finally risked a glance down at Jake, who I found was staring intently at me with that certain kind of look that bloomed butterflies in my center.

He smiled his signature smile, one to which I found myself shyly responding to. Jake's eyes then adverted back to Billy who seemed to be in the middle of talking to him, pretending not to notice our little exchange.

That in itself was enough to crush my paranoid fears of Jake being mad at me, or realizing he made a mistake in letting me back into his life since he had more time to mull it over. Although it had been three days since we last talked, it was all made up for in that moment.

I risked yet another glance to Vanessa and Leah, who were oddly quiet and staring intently down at their plates of food. It seemed as if they were the last obstacle I'd have to face, including Rachel. Yet they all seemed oddly forlorn…to which I was immensely grateful for.

I preferred them paying no attention to me like I was just some nonexistent whole in the universe rather than communicating death threats to me with their eyes.

I was used to be an unidentifiable object; something everyone looked passed or saw straight through.

Dinner continued. And continued.

I stayed intently focused on Charlie, Ali, Collin and Seth the whole time, trying to ignore the large elephant in the room.

For conversational purposes, Charlie figured it would enlightening – more like entertaining to the three other listeners excluding me – to tell embarrassing stories about my time spent here as a child.

Such as; tripping face first into a pile of mud while walking, hiding myself under layers of clothing to shield my sensitive skin from the sun while at First Beach with the Black's, sticking my nose into some book and remaining completely unsocial (he managed to also work in there that I played with barbies until I was eleven), and he then had the audacity to throw in the time I peed myself – when I was seven! – after a terrible encounter with a lose dog that chased me down on the beach, tackled me… and then proceeded to lick my face while I feared being bitten and ripped apart.

Black labs still to this day scare the hell out of me.

Real deal breaker, dad.

It seemed as if I couldn't sink further into my chair and try to no avail to hide the blush profusely attacking my face.

The least I could be thankful for was that everyone at the opposite end didn't seem to hear these stories, as they were too caught up in conversation and laughter of their own.

Although I did make out a trace of a faint smile on Jake's lips as I would occasionally catch his gaze lingering on me.

After an hour spent at the dining room table, I quickly offered to help Sue and Ali clean up the dishes as to distance myself from the awkward tension felt when I was around anyone other than the parents and Collin.

As I made my way to and from the kitchen, transferring plates and cups, I caught sight of Jake and Vanessa in the corner of the living room. Nessa was sitting on the couch, Jake in front of her on the table, holding both of her hands as he was ducking to catch her gaze. They seemed to be in some enthralling discussion, yet remained whispering to maintain whatever ounce of privacy they could.

It was hard to look at.

My breathing became labored.

A memory of three nights ago when Nessa called and left a message on Jake's answering machine attached itself to my thoughts; did she come by that night? Was her promise fulfilled? Even after Jake had so intimately and sweetly kissed me?

This was becoming an even stranger predicament than once anticipated.

_After we have our talk, everything will be figured out_. _After we talk, after we talk, after we talk_…

That was the only tune playing in my mind, and keeping me rather sane. This would be one of the many issues discussed sometime this evening.

Eight minutes later I was in the middle of placing the condiments back in the fridge when I heard Jake's approach. Though his heavy footsteps could have belonged to anyone, I _felt_ somewhere immersed inside me that it was him. It could only be described as a tingling sensation, something that was factual, like the wind suddenly shifting course or the rain turning to hail.

The hair on the back of my neck stood on edge when I turned to face him with a stomach filled with a nest of butterflies, noticing the kitchen was unoccupied besides his presence.

"Where's Vanessa?" I asked almost instantly, peering over his shoulder to see the living room half empty and devoid.

Although I tried to look otherwise occupied in the kitchen, I couldn't help but spy on the scene taking place just in the other room a few minutes ago. I also didn't miss Vanessa's rather indignant walk out the front door followed by an attached at the hip Leah.

And I also couldn't help my curiosity. It was my subtle yet innocent way of leading into conversation about the girl in question and what entirely was going on with that situation.

The talk. Right. We'd have to talk more about that then. Once I choked up the courage to enlist some alone time with him…

"She went down to the beach early with Leah," he sighed, pushing a hand through his hair, "I told her that she's going to have to get used to the fact that you're gonna be around more…that I want you around. She's just…mulling it over…."

He gathered his thoughts, "If she can't accept it then…." Jake's voiced trailed off into an empty threat as he shook his head, leaving us both puzzled at his ultimatum.

My eyes flashed down towards the ground as my teeth tugged uselessly at my lower lip. I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt for causing this…but didn't I deserve to be selfish? Just this one time when all I've ever been is selfless?

Jake snuck a finger under my chin, forcing my eyes back to his smoldering ones, "Same goes for you; she'll still be around, you need to ge—"

"Jacob," I interrupted by placing a finger to his two full lips, "I already told you I'd do anything for you, to be back in your life. And…and I _want_ to get along with Vanessa, I really, really do," I whispered, hoping to convey the truth in the sensitive timbre of my voice, despite the powerful affect his statement held on my heart.

"She's just making it really tough," I finished, frowning at the sting of rejection.

After a moment of contemplation, Jake smiled at me with a look of adoration as his thumb stroked my chin before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his embrace. Immediately I went from rigid to relaxed in his arms and the supple warmth that I could feel inching its way through my skin.

I was still uselessly relying on chicken noodle soup and a warm bed to taint my addiction.

"I missed you," Jake confessed tenderly one minute later, his lips moving against the top of my head.

I wasn't sure what he was referring to; if his words had some hidden meaning of the two lost years or the three days we hadn't seen each other in.

But either way, the next words out of my mouth still meant the same, "I missed you, too. A lot."

I ran my hands over his shirt covered back, resting my head lethargically on his chest. I felt his lips form into a smile on my head, my eyes fluttered closed at the contact. It was torturous to sit through dinner away from him when it felt like some magnet tide was pulling us together, despite everything pushing us apart.

"You can call me anytime, you know," he spoke with lightness, half teasing yet half serious. I felt the palm of his hands burning straight through my shirt and into the strained muscles of my lower back.

And contrary to the heat, I shivered.

I pulled back to smile at him, "You can call me anytime, too," I hinted, offering him an open invitation to which I hoped he would RSVP and accept.

"You wouldn't mind that?"

"Jacob, of course I wouldn't."

"I'll take you up on that offer then, Bells," he grinned, placing a kiss to my forehead and then pulling back from me right as Rachel stepped into the room, shooting us a slight scowl that almost seemed permanent on her features.

I remembered she never liked me much as a kid, which seemed to carry over to present.

I returned my attention back to Jacob, forcing words like vomit up my throat, taking my chance.

"Can we talk? Sometime later…maybe after everything tonight…alone?" I asked meekly, my voice showing signs of desperation while trying to speak soft enough so Rachel wouldn't hear us.

"What…what do you want to talk about?" Jake's eyes slightly widened, fearing the worst. His voice rang with a tentative, guarded edge.

My hand flew out to grasp his in an attempt to soothe his worries, "Nothing bad. I'd just… like to talk to you about some things…."

Jake shifted on his feet warily. It wasn't hard for me to pick up on his little actions that spoke of his shielded feelings.

"Sure, honey," he murmured, giving my hand a firm squeeze, "I have to get going for a little, but I'll come find you later down at the bonfire, alright?"

I nodded eagerly. Jake placed a final kiss to my forehead before taking off out the back door with reluctance and a backwards glance.

A breath of pent up despondency forced its way out of me like an air bubble, to which I noticed that not only were my hands now shaking, but my whole body was trembling with its last dose of nerves and anticipation.

The feeling of dread mixed in with relief at the prospect of tonight. I felt uncanny and not wholesome when Jake wasn't around, and would continue to feel that way throughout the night until he showed up from wherever he ran off to.

Yet I was relieved that sometime tonight our issues would be resolved. That everything spiraled up inside of us would be discussed and diagnosed, that we could get everything off our chests. And that I could finally apologize for everything, to make this all a bit more substantial.

At least, those were my high hopes.

There was always the option that Jacob wouldn't be as ready as I suddenly was to put everything to rest. I intended to ask him – or beg – for some insight on his life during those two years. Of course he didn't owe it to me, but I needed to know. A part of me feared he would deny my request, that he'd shut himself off and effectively block me from laying everything – including his feelings – on the line.

Was it too soon? Should I just be thankful with what he's given me for now? These were the lonesome and rash thoughts rooting stem in my brain while we all – minus Jake – made our down to where the festivities for the evening were being held.

I stood insecurely at Charlie's side as he pushed Billy down the gravel road winding towards the beach. The only person I would have felt comfortable being around was Collin, yet he was off with Seth, Paul and Rachel ahead of the group of parents – and me – following a few yards behind them at a much slower pace.

I couldn't help but feel as if things were returning to normal…or close to it. Though it taken a few weeks, things had majorly progressed from a dead stop to now a tied race, but things weren't perfect – they would never be perfect – yet the surrealism was enough to sedate me from the previously inept world to feeling halfway content.

The First Beach parking lot was hidden under booths with white canopies lined in two rows, stretching along all the provided concrete. Blue and grey lights were strung between all the different canopies shielded from the sun, adding a dismal light to the shadowing day.

Many of the stands were filled with vegetables and fruit as a local harvest that Collin mentioned takes place two times every month over summer, a place for the community and people from out of town to sell their homegrown goods. A few stands had items such as jewelry, art, clothing, and mixtures of the sort.

On the beach a few bonfires were brewing as well as a few barbeques stoking. It seemed as if the whole town was here, and even a few people who looked to be from Forks.

I followed along the parents, suddenly feeling like my child, shy self and having to stay tucked under daddy's arm at all times.

All in good time…

A familiar face was approached at one of the stands, to which he motioned for me to come and join him. I took a glance at Charlie, whose arm was slung lovingly over Ali's shoulder as she picked and prodded at a selection of green vegetables.

"Bella, hey…how're you?" Quil asked, flashing me a crooked, boyish smile.

"Quil...hi. I'm doing alright, how have you been?"

"Good good," he turned to face the girl in his arms, "Claire, you remember Bella, right?"

The young girl's soft hazel eyes found mine as she nodded quickly, "Lookie what Qwuily got meee!" She squealed, shoving her arm out to me where a pink and silver laced hemp bracelet was wrapped around her small wrist.

"That was very nice of him. It's very pretty," I smiled as Claire giggled, reaching out her arms to be transferred from Quil to her mother.

"Wanna walk?"

I nodded, taking off at Quil's side down the large pathway filled with people all walking or stopping at each canopy to observe its items.

"Do you mind if I ask how you and Jake are?" Quil questioned, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looking rather…shy.

I shrugged casually, "We're," I paused to think over my answer, "…making progress."

"Good…good, that's…great. I haven't seen him like this in awhile…." I watched as Quil's eyebrows mashed together, "I'm not saying that all this time you've been…absent… that Jake's just been wallowing and brooding… because he has been quite happy and…normal before, but now…he just has that light back in his eyes, y'know? It's different than anything I've seen in the past few years."

The way he stumbled over his words was implying his insecurities with telling me this, which was almost the exact same thing Billy had told me two hours ago…yet less stoic and more frazzled.

"Um…I…." Having no response left me also stuttering over my words.

Quil laughed deeply, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that…I'm happy that you and Jake are 'making progress'."

"Right. Well…thanks. I am too."

We walked in silence for a few more minutes, both of us lost gazing intently at each booth we passed by. Quil stopped at one booth in particular, tasting the sampled fresh honey. I noted he seemed to be distracting himself, as if something was on his mind he was trying to play off…

"Is Embry coming?" I asked for conversational purposes. I was never too good at that kind of stuff, but being awkward Bella once again sounded far from pleasant.

"He should be here later…."

"Where is he?"

Quil ducked his head, checking his watch, "He's running a quick patrol with Jake right now…at least he should be."

"Patrol? Are there…?" I left the question empty, not wanting to say the word 'vampires' around the hefty faction of people walking around us and the booth owner standing only a foot away.

"Nah, there hasn't been any action since that red-head was here with her little army," he snickered at the memory as my eyes bulged in return.

Many times over the past two years I'd thought about Victoria. Sometimes I found myself hoping she was killed, hoping she had left Forks when I had and was still tracking me, and sometimes I found myself hoping she'd just find me already and finish me off.

I never got my resolve. She was momentarily forgotten until now, until two weeks ago, like the rest of my past had been.

"Whatever happened to her?" I inquired thickly, feeling the swell of my throat begin to tighten.

Quil took a careful glance around us, making sure no one was listening in, "Well…we took care of her, obviously."

"What happened?"

"They came, we fought, we killed, the end."

"Just as easy as that?"

"Nothing's ever easy." Quil frowned, "A few of us got hurt, some things got outta hand, but it's over. I'm sure if you ask Jake he'll tell you more…."

"Why can't you tell me?" I eyed him skeptically, wanting to know all the details and…did I hear him mention something about an 'army'?

Quil shifted uncomfortably, pushing a hand through his short, spiky hair.

"He got hurt, didn't he?" I whispered weakly, already knowing the answer to my feared question.

"Tell me," I pleaded, grabbing his arm to stop his walking and turning him to face me.

"Look, Bella, Jake's fine…it happened a long time ago…he was just trying to be noble and save Leah. It only took him a few days to heal. You should ask him about it, and when he's ready to tell you…he will. I don't feel comfortable talking about it."

I had the urge to stomp my foot, but I finally agreed with a "Fair enough."

I wasn't sure why in hell it would make Quil feel uncomfortable to talk about Jacob's injury, but I didn't want to be the queen of persistence and stubbornness tonight. I would just add that to my list of things to be discussed with Jacob.

"We should go head down to the bonfire, get some good seats. You can sit with me and Claire if you want, she seems to like you. Normally she's quiet and unresponsive to most of the pack, but for some reason she'll talk to you," he mused with a smile, his eyes shining.

I nodded to his offer, feeling a bit alleviated that he was saving me yet again from an awkward search for Charlie and somewhere to sit. I took a glance around the wide expanse of clear land, hoping to see a familiar head towering about the crowds of people as we made our quest towards the sand.

"He'll be here soon," Quil laughed at me, knowing very well who I was looking for, "We'll save him a seat, yeah?" he winked before leading me through the groups of families and down towards where some people were gathering around the five different bonfires, laying out blankets or unfolding chairs.

The rest of the pack and some unfamiliar faces that looked to be their families all gathered around one bonfire in particular, settling into blankets against logs, continually glancing at the darkening sky as to make sure no looming rain clouds were threatening to ruin the evening's festivities with the chance of a downpour.

It wasn't hard to miss the formation in the distance of a storm rolling in. Everyone's anticipation was high, hoping it wouldn't ruin the night. Quil was telling an upset Claire that if the storm closes in sooner than expected, then the fireworks won't be displayed. This seemed to displease her, as a stubborn pout erupted across her face.

"So…what exactly is the reason for all of this?"

"Our town'll do anything to have a bonfire," Quil chuckled at my question, "But the council decided that the town needs more gatherings, more events to take place. Something to bring us all together, they feel like we're becoming 'modernized' and losing touch with our ancestors. These farmers markets they decided will take place every other Friday, but today's a special exception with the bonfires, fireworks and storytelling 'cause of the full moon. There's some legends that Billy likes to mess around with, and the man'll do anything to tell the tribes' stories. You haven't heard them before right? You'll love 'em."

Billy was pushed to the top of the bonfire, with both Sue and Old Quil at his side, Charlie and Ali not far either. The happy and wholesome look on my father's face had me wondering how I ever left here in the first place.

Young kids flocked in front of the three council members, sitting in the sand, looking eager for 'story time'.

*"The Quileutes have been a small people from the beginning," Billy began once everyone settled silently. "And we are small people still, but we have never disappeared. This is because there has always been magic in our blood. It wasn't always the magic of shape-shifting – that came later. First, we were spirit warriors…."

Billy was in the middle of explaining the Quileutes early history of being skilled ship builders and fishermen when I felt that certain tingle ignite inside of me. Something resembling chills crawled up my neck, mobbing an attack that suddenly made me feel anxious.

It was in that moment that I saw Jake and Embry's approach from the cluster of trees off in the distance, where the forest outlined the stretching Pacific. Despite Jake being a few yards away, our eyes locked through the dark blanket of the night into something heavy, something desirous.

The two final pack members made their way to the circle, my eyes trailing their every move. Embry gave me a playful pat on the head as he passed behind where I sat, making his way to the empty space at my left from where I sat besides Quil with Claire smooched between us. Jake followed, much to my delight, and took the spot next to me, right along my side.

An electric tingle jolted at the skin on skin contact of our arms. A heat built somewhere unfamiliar inside of me. At first I was rigid, stiff…but at the feel of his body pressed up against mine, my inner turmoil melted into a bland comfort as his presence washed over me.

The elation and pure joy I felt that Jake had come to sit next me was multiplied when I felt his lips near my ear, his breath succulent.

"Hey," he whispered in an uncanny husk, inhaling my scent as I felt his nose touch the base of my ear, causing my eyelids to flutter and for the same unfamiliar heat between my legs to burn.

I turned to offer a half smile in return to his grin. I turned away quickly to divulge my attention back on Billy, but not before I noticed the lust in Jake's eyes that only must have reflected mine.

*"Kaheleha was not the first spirit warrior, but we do not remember the stories that came before his…."

Billy's voice continued to float majestically over the crackle of the fire, capturing my interest of the Quileutes and their heritage. He transitioned from the tale of Kaheleha to Chief Taha Aki, beginning to explain the first time he had entered a wolf's body, the great wolf making room for him, to share.

Occasionally Billy would trail off, speaking in the native Quileute tongue, leaving me a bit frustrated to be missing part of the story which was wholly capturing my attention. My frustration didn't go unnoticed to Jake, who leaned back in closer to my side, his lips only centimeters from the same ear as before.

He began whispering and translating the words spoken by his father from Quileute to English in a thick murmur. One of his hands gently began to rub along my back, trailing a path of consuming fire. The timbre of his deep, raspy voice created a sense of beauty in the words he whispered to me. The seduction in his voice had my body completely yielding to him.

At one point he risked – much to my dismay, but not my displeasure – to trail his fingers along the bare skin at my lower back, where my shirt rose from the edge of my pants.

I bit back a tangled whimper in my throat.

He had me in some sort of trance, with the stroke of his words and the sensations pitting inside of me. Every ounce of exertion I had left in me to pay attention to what Billy was saying – something now about a third wife – was all wrenched away by Jake's touch.

My concentration was lost.

Time passed, the fire waned, and Jake's gestures ceased as he put about a foot of space between us just as the story was coming to an end. I couldn't find it in myself to look at him, for fear of what he would see in my eyes. He must have known what he was doing to me.

"And so, as the legend goes, on every full moon shape-shifters are reluctant to the change of their bodies, into brother wolf. The moon to them is like the sun to us; guiding, burning. It is instinctual for them to change once the full moon rises." Old Quil was speaking now, eyeing the full moon shining above us.

Paul and Jared let out boisterous howls into the evening air for affect, and then proceeded to laugh like idiots at the daunting looks on the children's faces after the council ended the story that I mercifully blanked out with thoughts of warm lips…

Under the veil of fervor I failed to notice that the sun had set in the horizon, that there was the soft tune of music playing somewhere in the distance and that Claire had fallen snuggly asleep at my side. My eye felt heavily weighted as I first took in Quil, grinning softly and stroking Claire's light brown hair. It wasn't only Claire who had fallen asleep; many of the other children and even a few women had fallen into a slumber.

I craned my neck with much determination – the butterflies in my stomach now flapping around my heart, increasing its _pitter-patter_ – as I sought out Jake's eyes. Even though earlier this evening I was thankful for the private realm of my mind, it was no match for the man sitting next to me. It felt as if, as I was looking at him, that all my thoughts, lust, desire, questioning were all being transferred on some tightrope straight from my mind to the hollow sole of my eyes that he was looking directly into and _seeing_.

It was a stolen, intimate moment…and right as I found the courage to part my lips and speak words of solace, Embry beat me to it.

"Bella! C'mon, let's dance!"

Without breaking the hold on Jake's eyes, I replied with a numb, "Sure," and then willed myself to glance away from him after trying to decipher what was hiding behind his irises.

The answer was almost as clear as day. And it petrified me.

Embry helped me up, and in that moment I realized what I had agreed to when he grinned at me and dragged further down the beach to where there was already a group of people dancing.

"Whoa whoa whoa, wait. I can't dance…I change my mind."

"Just relax, Bella. Try to…loosen up."

Right. Well, if the burning deep in my stomach was any indicator of my desired lust, I wouldn't be loosening up anytime soon.

More than I felt comfortable with, Embry pulled me into his embrace, capturing my waist with his hands and swaying to the slow beat of the music.

"What are you –?" I fidgeted against him, the gesture feeling a bit more than 'friendly'.

"Trust me, miss paranoid," he bent to whisper in the same ear like Jake had done only minutes ago.

"Embry –"

"Bella, shush. Go a long with it, will ya?"

I tried pulling back yet again, a dismal frustration burning inside of me.

"I have a plan, don't mess it up," Embry continued to try and persuade me, "Just dance, and I'll explain."

I let a gurgled sigh, caving in to his attempts.

"Okay, so…the other day, I came up with this fucking ridiculous plan…that might just end up with me getting a can of whoop ass…but it's worth it. It's called operation G.J.P.H.H.O.H.A."

"Am I supposed to know what that means? Embry…are you drunk or something?"

He chuckled into my hair, "No, I'm not. And it means; 'Get Jake to Pull His Head Out of His Ass'."

"You have to be drunk to come up with that," I giggled.

"Arghhh, Bella. Stop making fun of me! Look, you'll thank me in the end so stop being such a smart ass. If Jake sees me flirting with you – you have to flirt back too, or else this will be a total fail – then he'll get jealous, realize it's you he wants, and you two can put us all out of our misery of watching you two eye fuck-oggle each other. Capiche?"

"You're out of your mind."

"Probably."

"He's with Vanessa."

"Not for long."

"But—"

"Shhh, he's coming over. Go along with it," Embry finally whispered, leaning in too close for comfort.

I closed my eyes, trying to somehow shut the world and its problems out. I wanted to shrink away and hide.

The tingling sensation returned, and moments later Jake was out our side, clearing his throat. I struggled to pull back from Embry's vice like embrace, but I was no match for his strength. I also didn't fail during my time of struggle to notice the menacing and feral look on Jake's face as he glared daggers at his friend.

"Right…well…Bella, thanks for the dance," Embry cleared his throat, "Hopefully I'll see you later." And with that he winked, let go of me, and even dared to kiss me on the cheek.

I was blushing in spite of myself.

I could hear the faint grumble building inside of Jacob's chest as I mentally cursed Embry. What an idiot.

"Can we have that talk now?" he asked, his voice dripping with a strong trace of misplaced jealousy as he looked down at me with a pained expression.

All I could do was nod.

"Let's head back to Sue's…," Jake muttered, shooting a displeasing look and the crowds around us.

"Sure," I agreed yet again, glad we could manage to some find privacy. Throughout the night I planned to rehearse what I would say to Jake, but I had gotten… distracted. And I was unprepared. I began breathing heavily on the trek back to the Clearwater's residence.

_Just start off by apologizing, by telling him your feelings, by coming clean and asking for his forgiveness…_

I followed Jacob into the kitchen step for step, my mind too wrapped around the conversation I was about to have with him to notice the difference in the way Jacob was acting.

For leverage, I leaned back against the isle counter as Jake turned his back to me and leaned over the sink. It wasn't hard to miss the twitching of his muscles and the unsteady waves of trepidation rolling off of him.

After swallowing my lump if dignity, I waited until he turned around to face me, and as time continued on and he remained shut off, I decided to break the silence.

"So, I…uh…I mean, there are some things I want us to talk ab—"

Something triggered in Jake, because in the beat of a heart and a blink of an eye, he was standing before me, towering above me.

I sucked in a quick breath, expecting anger, expecting black eyes.

Ever so gently his hands ghosted down my sides, stoking the same fire planted at my core. His hesitancy was forgotten in the moment that he lowered towards me, lifting me gradually so our bodies rubbed torturously together before I was seated in the counter, my legs parting for Jake before my mind could even process a thought other than how my body reacted to him.

It was a feeling I'd never experienced as he stepped between my legs.

Simultaneously our eyes glazed over as our chest heaved in breaths of building anticipation. With a look of primal need that sent waves of pleasure to my core, Jake's lips hungrily found mine.

I gasped, and the thoughts of what we were supposed to be doing disappeared with the guilt I should have felt.

The kiss wasn't slow or gentle like our previous ones. It was primal, hot, needy…. Our tongues fought for dominance, to which I loosened my control and yielded completely to Jake.

His hands seemed to be everywhere on me; gripping at my thighs, pulling them wider to rub the hard bulge of his jeans at my core. The sensation caused me to break away from the kiss, to let a moan push past me as my head fell back and my eyelids fluttered under the weight of pleasure.

The magic of his hands moved up my sides, one gripping the base of my neck and mixing in the locks of my hair to crane my head to the side as he attacked the bare skin there; kissing, sucking, biting in all the right places.

"Bella…fuck…you smell so good…I need you so bad," he growled huskily into my ear, pulling roughly at my hair as he continued to inhale, and something about it was primal. Something I wanted to be taken by.

His statement mixed in with the feel of his free hand skirting up my ribs to brush his thumb across my shirt covered breast was enough for my panties to become soaked.

My hips bucked into his, a growl escaping his lips as a whimper left mine. What was he doing to me? This was all so foreign and unfamiliar.

My hands, on instinct, left their grip on the counter to sneak under Jake's shirt and find his chiseled abdomen. I scratched roughly at his skin, from his back, to his sides, and down to his navel…hoping to leave my mark.

His growing erection thrust against me, soaking me further as his hand escaped under my own shirt for skin on skin contact. I arched my back into him while whimpering for more.

"Jake…," I groaned with no sense of awareness, except for the feeling of being overwhelmed and completely and utterly frightened with the unknown.

To this Jake popped the button of my jeans and bit down at my collarbone. Our breathing became heavy, his chest vibrated and tightened under my eager touch.

The sound of fireworks exploding out into the night air outside could be heard in the silent realm of the house. The bright light shone through the windows.

The next part happened painfully slow. With the burden of ecstasy and want, nothing much was comprehensible besides the feeling of Jake orbiting around me. I could have stayed lost forever in the mold of his hands, under the power of his lips.

The back door to the kitchen opened and closed with a resonating thud, sending shockwaves through the silent house, embracing the two lovers positioned at its granite countertops.

In unison both Jake and my movements let up; I stiffened, sitting up a bit straighter, Jake pulled back, leaving the fresh air that skirted in through the door to chill the wet kisses along my neck, our hands still hidden under clothes and my legs still locked around his waist.

Our heads snapped towards the intruder at the same time, taking in the almond shape eyes of…

"Leah."

* * *

_A/N: Again, I'd like to thank you all for your kind reviews. They mean a lot (:_

_Hmmmm, so what happened with Jake after the fight with Victoria that Quil feels uncomfortable talking about?  
Questions, questions…_

_The quotations with the asterisk* in front of them were taken directly from Eclipse, yadda yadda, SM owns, blah blah, all that jazz. Most of the legends – minus the whole 'full moon' thing – was referenced from Eclipse. _

_Thanks to ForeverDreamland who suggested a certain something in this chapter (; Love you and your naughty mind! Go read her story Coming Closer – it'll make you sob!_


	13. Chapter 13

Ch. 13 "Friendly Touches"

"_Oh_," an almost cocky and evil laugh resonated along with the booming of the fireworks, "don't mind me…carry on."

The acid in Leah's voice sounded parallel to bitterness; something uprooted and stemmed into an ability to sound so threatening by a simple statement.

Added with sarcasm, her words were almost mocking.

Either the surprise of the moment or the lust filled fog in my mind had not only me frozen in place – a felon caught in a crime –but seemed as if Jacob wasn't quite sure what to do, as well.

The only processed thoughts making sense to me were that of _what the fuck just happened_?

Vulgarity is typically the first sign of chagrin for me.

This situation seemed to amuse the cheeky Leah as she flicked on the fluorescent kitchen light, previously disregarded, revealing us even more. She made her way to the fridge, pulling out some alcoholic beverage and taking an approving swig all the while keeping her eyes on us the entire time.

"I wouldn't mind a front row seat to this…hmmm…I wonder if Jacob here will use the same moves on you that he used on me?" Leah clicked her tongue, shaking her head in a mock disapproval and fake betrayal.

"I have to say," she eyed me with a grin, "you're not the first one to be that position in this kitchen. Kinda stingy of you Jake, wouldn't you say? And I thought I was the one with the relationship issues…but like I said, don't mind me…but at least have the decency to move things off of my mother's kitchen counter?"

Something clicked in my brain, causing the reality of the situation to fall right in front of my still glossy eyes.

Instantly, my mind shut down and my body took over.

I was lost in the numbness of my mind as my body began moving without instruction. All that was on my mind was _getting out of there._

My body shoved away the statue-esque, shuddering Jake so that I could fall to my feet on the floor, having to support myself with the counter as my legs were molded into jello.

The shame I was feeling began to burn my clammy cheeks.

Although I felt painfully sick to my stomach, the leading emotion I was feeling was _humiliation_.

"Don't let me interrupt—" Leah started once again with a snicker – at I what could assume was my reaction – until the sound of a primal growl could only be heard.

"Don't you even _dare_ say another word."

I shivered at how menacing Jake's voice was. How it sliced through the air and _commanded_ a reaction.

A part of me would admit that the edge of his threatening voice and the way he was trembling with no control had me frightened.

Yet in that moment, all I could do was let my body take over. And my body wanted to leave.

Somehow my hands had already gone through the motions of fixing my scrunched up shirt and buttoning the pants I hadn't realized had come unbuttoned in the first place. Fighting back tears the whole time and biting roughly on the inside of my cheek, I kept my gaze lowered in shame to the floor.

My body still sizzled from where Jake's hands and lips once were.

I knew what Leah said. I knew what she meant, what she was implying. I wouldn't allow myself to think that Jacob had been with her until later, when I was alone.

Only seconds had ticked by from beginning to end but it felt like a tortured eternity. My feet were somehow already carrying me towards the door – not fast enough – and practically commanding I exit before my impending breakdown.

_Halfway to the door. Halfway to my car. Halfway, halfway, halfway_….

"Bella!" I would've been a fool for expecting an easy escape, "Goddammit! _Shut up_ Leah," Jake ordered in a throat hiss as soon as Leah chuckled…then all was silent with Alpha command.

I was practicing taking deep, calming breaths to soothe me. I was out the door. Stepping on grass, crossing over landscape; the light of the fireworks led my way through the darkness. I dug in the back pocket of my jeans, finding the keys to my jeep just in time…

"Bella! Shit…_stop_…hold on!"

His grasp on my arm was rough and frantic. Too suddenly was I being forced to turn around to face a distraught and provoked Jake.

"Don't listen to her, Bella…don't leave like this…" His voice had greatly leveled out, but the escaladed emotion was still salient in the rough husk.

Jacob ducked to catch my gaze, still holding me steady by my arms, "Look at me," he half growled in irritation, then grabbed my chin to force compliance, "Don't leave like this…forget her…I need you…."

His eyes pleaded with me desperately, so much so that it reflected my own anguish and longing.

"I-I…we…shouldn't have done…that," I admonished, trying to struggle and break free from his grip, still in a state of discomposure, "I-I'm sorry…that was a mistake…."

It hurt to say. But…_what the hell are_ _we_ _doing_?

There was a conflict taking place behind Jake's eyes. To the best of my ability to lie, I forced the next words up through the anxiety and humiliation and love and want.

"I…I just want my best friend back," I choked out, still fighting the never ending battle with my tear ducts, "Please…don't make this harder than it already is."

My throat itched and burned with a prolonged cinder. The look in his eyes almost had me keeling over from the pain the simple glance could inflict.

The dark orbs I was staring into told me that I wasn't getting my best friend. At least not in this moment. His grip on me loosened at the same moment his face fell into despair.

And as his grip on me loosened, I made a second attempt to escape.

I was in my car seconds later, revving the engine, backing up, and speeding away without a second glance.

Everything had been going _fine_ between us…why did _this_ have to come and mess it all up? How did that – back in the Clearwater's kitchen – even happen in the first place? One moment I was on track, concentrating at the task at hand…and then I was being hypnotized by Jake's hands and lips.

And Leah. _Oh god Leah_…The whole pack was going to know by morning. I could never show my face again. Never.

_That was wrong, we shouldn't have done that…that was wrong._

Then why did it feel right?

Falling in love with Jacob would be so effortless. And for whatever reason, I wasn't allowing myself to. I kept mentally telling myself _no no no_ because of Vanessa and because he's always been my best friend…and relationships tend to only mess everything else up in the end.

I wasn't scared of rejection. That wasn't the problem. Edward's subliminal act of leaving me and breaking me wasn't something I now feared in a relationship; abandonment. The feelings I was cutting myself off from venturing into with Jacob had to do with just that; what I was _feeling._

I feel with Jake what I felt with Edward; the sense of being consumed by them under the weight of my emotions. The need, the want, the desire. With Edward I was engrossed by intrigue, by the seductive lure he captured me in like a web. I was so enraptured with lust that I was missing how insecure and unsure he made me feel about myself (which I later came to recognize in those four months I spent with the Cullen's).

And though I feel these inclinations with Jacob, he does one thing opposite than Edward; he makes me feel _good_ about myself. When I'm with him, I'm not tiptoeing around my faults or questioning my own worth, instead he just makes me feel good, time and time again. It's in the moments I'm not with him that I'm wishing I was – to _feel good_.

But the need and want was still there. The last thing I want – the one thing that Edward did scar me with – was to become dependent. To become that girl stuck to her macho boyfriend's side…again.

And lately, all I was wanting was _to be with_ Jacob.

Maybe I was just seeing the negative. Maybe…maybe he could be healthy for me.

Twenty minutes later I was home and in my room.

My head hit my pillow with a halfway content sigh…all until I closed my eyes and Leah's bemused and cocky expression stared back at me.

I groaned in defeat.

This much was for certain: I was never leaving the safe harbor of my room. Special circumstances enact.

* * *

My plan was accomplished for all of two days until Monday rolled around. Renee was flying in at two in the afternoon that day, and it was enough for me to put a momentary clause in my decision to avoid anyone besides Charlie at all costs.

I could make an exception for my mother. It was a special circumstance.

There were the usual tears, smiles, hugs, bellows, and more hugs and tears combined as I greeted Renee at the airport in Port Angeles. For a four day stay, she had somehow managed to fill two suitcases and a duffle bag. Then again, I shouldn't have been surprised.

The drive back and helping Renee settle in – Charlie had offered up his room for the four days while choosing to bunk out on the couch – was filled with Renee's chatter about Phil, teaching, and how much she's loving Jacksonville (what she thinks will be their new permanent home since they've both found steady jobs).

We were currently sitting out on the patio, trying to soak up some of the humid warmth, while sipping on mugs of tea and catching up.

I told her about Edward breaking up with me, how depressed I was, and how I thought I was still in love with him.

I had just finished the part of my story where Carlisle and Esme helped me get a GED (Renee seemed much more at ease with this situation that Charlie was) when she set her mug aside and took one of my hands.

"So what are your plans now, sweetie? College? Jobs?"

"Well…I start a new job on Thursday…and I was thinking about enrolling part time at Peninsula College in Port Angeles for the fall semester…and after that, I'm not really sure what my future looks like…" The idea of it actually scared me. Could I see myself living on my own again? Going to college? Getting a degree? Where would I go? Could I just start my life right back up again?

These questions of the future were always on my mind. I could barely make it through each day, let alone plan out the rest of my unrehearsed life.

"I think you'd really enjoy Florida, Bella. Maybe…maybe once you've finished a semester at college and you figure out what you want to do, you can come stay with Phil and me and go to school somewhere there? They've got great English and business programs!"

I began chewing adamantly at my lower lip at the offer of the idea.

"Just think about it," Renee smiled, squeezing my hand, "You could always come back once the four years are up and you've graduated. This town really is hard to leave, huh?" She mused, looking off down the road.

_The people are harder to leave_, I mentally corrected.

"I'll think about it," I agreed, not wanting to box myself into any boundaries. With this new gift of life, why not use it?

There was a lot of thinking and reconsidering to do. First and foremost, I would work on resolving my issues here…with the people I cared about.

"So…are you ever going to tell me? Or am I just going to have to weasel it all out of Charlie?" Renee asked in that certain understanding and whimsical tone.

That was the thing about Renee that was so unlike Charlie; she didn't push or fight or argue or demand. She just…understood.

And she caught me off guard.

"I…um…uh…."

Suddenly she was smiling warmly and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, "I think I understand, sweetie. You thought you were in love and ran away from your family to be with him. I did the same thing with your father when I was your age…who I imagine didn't take the news quite well…but I was once in your position, and did the same thing. I hope you'll learn from your mistake like I did, and always know that your family loves you."

My lips parted in unforeseen marvel. How do I reply to that? Do I let her believe a lie?

By some good grace Charlie chose to pull up the house right at that moment, taking Renee's minimal attention span and landing it on his arrival.

"Renee, it's good to see you got in safely!" They both embraced in a rather friendly hug before Charlie patted my sunken shoulder.

"Just barely. There's was a lot of turbulence over the south east. You should have seen me! I was a mess."

"Ah, still scared of flying then?" Charlie chuckled, "Anyways, how's Phil doin'? How's his back? You said he threw it out the last time you visited…." The conversation trailed in doors as my two parents – oddly well affiliated – made their way inside.

I followed them blindly into the house, trying to let the happiness and joy they were feeling wash over me.

It was just as quickly discarded as it was found when Charlie turned to me after tossing off his jacket and belt.

"I invited Billy and Jacob over for dinner…they should be here 'round five, before the game starts. Would you mind cooking, Bells? I think Billy mentioned something about fish fry…Collin will be coming by too, so make extra. Those boys and their appetites…."

The peeved expression on my face didn't go unnoticed by Charlie. He only grinned knowingly in response.

"Great! I've missed those men. Bella, let me help you out with dinner…I've been getting better! Just you wait and see…," Renee's eyes lit up at this.

"Wait. Hold on. You…you know Jake?"

"Of course I do, sweetie! Every time I came up to visit your father over the past two years he was always here. He's something special, Bella. I could even tell back then by just looking at him how much he adores you. Not to mention he's a hottie! Have you seen those muscles? What are they feeding those Quileutes?"

I bit my lower lip and bowed my head, remembering back to three nights ago when I was _touching _those muscles. I shuddered.

I then blanched as I comprehended the first part of my mother's sentence.

Renee's face went from bright with an infectious smile to a softened, understanding look at the sight of my awed and pained expression.

"What do you mean? He was…al-always here?"

"Oh baby…," Renee cooed, rubbing my arm and then lowering her voice as Charlie padded into the living room, "He was always here…with Charlie. Sometimes…we would find him sitting in your room…and he would just…sit there."

Something resembling a sob parted my lips. I tried to play it off by coughing.

"Oh. Right. Um I'll be right back," I whispered, making a quick getaway up to my room where I then allowed the tears fall with no remorse. With no shame of anyone seeing how weak I truly was.

I paced back and forth across the floorboards of in front of my neatly made bed, my whole body quivering and tightening. The image of Jake just sitting so…helplessly on my bed began to play out before my watery eyes, as if I could clearly see the outline of his body hunched over and pained.

His eyes withdrawn and bloodshot.

My eyes clenched shut hastily as I plopped down on my bed next to where the blurry image of Jake once was.

I was still fighting embarrassment from the other night…but it hurt to be away from him, especially because of the reason parting us. If only Friday night had gone as planned – with the talking and the forgiving – than the circumstances wouldn't be so glum and tormenting at this moment.

Not having the guts or courage to call Jacob, I texted him instead.

_Can we talk later?…I'll leave my window open tonight if you want to stop by… _

I could feign embarrassment and humiliation for only so long. We would have to talk inevitably. Sooner was my choice rather than later because of how difficult it was to away from him.

I stared at my phone for the next half an hour, waiting for a response that didn't seem to be coming.

Jacob couldn't be mad at me…could he?

With a twinge of indecision and slight rejection, I made my way down the stairs right as Billy, Collin and Jacob all entered.

Renee was hugging each of them, placing kisses to either side of their cheeks.

No one had yet to see me. Good. Good. I could sneak back into my room and try to prepare for the evening ahead before –

"Bella! Thanks for offering to cook for us men. I brought extra fish for these hounds," Billy chuckled, one arm outstretched towards me offering up a bag of fish while the thumb on the other hand was pointing accusingly to the two werewolves.

I followed its path to first gaze at Collin, who only offered me a half smile and then looked away quickly; a slight pink tint coating the dark skin of his cheeks. And of their own accord, my eyes landed on Jake, who was shifting shyly on his feet and looking enlightening vulnerable and young.

He met my gaze with gentle eyes and then produced the faintest of smiles. I had the urge to walk over and wrap my arms around him and just _hold on_. Instead, I held on tightly to the fish bag and practically ran into the kitchen.

Renee followed after me as the men retreated into the living room; glued in front of the plasma. I mindlessly instructed her how to fry the fish and put together a fruit salad.

At one point Renee murmured something about needing to go check the score of the Mariner's game, leaving me to my one therapy that perpetually calmed me.

But not for long.

"Do you need help with anything?"

I didn't jump at the placid yet firm voice coming from behind me.

His steps and movements are blithe, but I just had that _feeling_ along my spine and in my stomach – like sparrows flapping their wings – that he was there, even with my back turned.

"No. Renee's helping me. We're fine."

I hadn't intended to come off short and brisk.

But I was still too humiliated to care. I was too frustrated and overwhelmed and _tired _to care.

The look on Leah's face had haunted me ever since that night. And the idea of the entire pack knowing and seeing didn't help to my panic. It was all I could think about. Among other things…

"Bells—" Jacob reached out to hesitantly touch my hand that was gripping the counter. I closed my eyes at how desperate his voice sounded, how Jacob it sounded, and as his fingers touched my skin I jerked away deliberately.

"Can we talk about this later? Please?" I still didn't turn around to face him. Instead, I put more vigor into stirring the sauce for the fish. The muscles in my arm began to ache.

"Sure, sure…" I winced as Jacob didn't even try to coat the pain in his voice, "What are we—?"

"Everything. We need to talk about everything."

"Sure, honey…okay. I can get away around midnight."

"Okay," I replied meekly, turning my head slightly to get a glimpse of him leaning against the counter to my side. I guess that meant he had gotten my text.

"Okay," Jacob agreed, offering me a smile that spoke of warmth yet apprehension. He stayed a few moments longer, beginning to lightly rub my lower back for the ache of some sort of connection that we were both needing.

I tried to mind. But I couldn't. I continued to stir the sauce to have something else to focus on.

I ended up overcooking it and leaning into his touch.

It was when Renee returned from the living room that Jacob quietly slipped away.

A pepper-honey plank salmon, fruit salad, and baked potatoes were served for dinner. Much to my relief, the men stayed in the living room – wrapped up in a now tied Mariners game at the sixth inning – while Renee and I remained seated in the kitchen, talking about memories of Phoenix. The next words out her mouth had me choking on my food.

"What's going on between you and Jacob? I can practically _feel_ the tension. Spill!"

Why did I feel I was talking to Jessica Stanley and not my birth mother?

What made it worse was that not only was Jake able to hear this from the other room, but so was Collin. And _he_ was even too embarrassed to look at me before. Now _I _was the one that wouldn't be able to look at him.

"Nothing," I grumbled in a frustrated whisper (not like it mattered) after a few cough attacks to clear my air way.

"You two _kissed,_ didn't you?"

Why was this happening? I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.

My beet red blush and fuming gaze gave her the answer she didn't really need.

"Well? Give me details! I bet he's a great kisser and those hands must work mag—"

"Please please please please please do not finish that sentence. _Please_…." Was I that tactile to read? I pushed out from my chair and dumped my half eaten meal in the trash, disposing my plate into the sink.

"Fine," Renee gave in, "You'll just have to tell me all the details later." And with that she winked and turned to make her room into the living room.

"Will you tell everyone goodnight for me?" I checked the clock to make sure my alibi was actually substantial; it was nearing nine o'clock. Perfect. "I'm gonna head up early and sleep."

Renee giggled, "Honey…I didn't embarrass you did I? It's just a little kiss…I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of…." Her eyes lit up, "Unless you did something else! Oh my, then—"

As soon as the words passed her lips, I clamped my hands over my ears and made a swift retreat up the stairs, all the while mumbling, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening…."

* * *

It was precisely 12:03 when I heard the branches and leaves outside my window rustle with Jake's arrival. I lay curled in my sheets in bed, watching the time tick along the fading lights of my alarm clock.

I removed myself to stand near the window expectantly while I began doing everything imaginable to show my nerves; biting my lip, twiddling my thumbs, picking at my nails, shifting on my feet.

Jake appeared silently seconds later, looking disheveled and exhausted.

For a few moments, neither of us knew what to say.

"You didn't say goodnight," he spoke first, taking an unsure step towards me to bridge the gap of space between us.

"Sorry," I whispered, not having the stamina to make up an excuse as to why I ran into my room right after dinner.

There was an awkward pause. I seemed to be unable to find words.

"Look…I'm sorry about the other night, Bells. I don't want things to be like this between us…but I don't understand why you're acting like this…."

"I'm just so confused with everything…and-and the whole thing with Leah? What the hell was th—"

"I was hurting, Bella! We were both lonely. It happened a long fucking time ago! And what did you expect! For everything to be easy for me while you…_left_ me here? You can't get mad at me for the things I've done, that you put me through—"

"I'm not mad at who you choose to sleep with, Jacob! That's not even the problem."

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Because I'm _humiliated_! Because of how out of control things got at Sue's! I'm not that type of person who…who…and…and what about Vanessa? What are _we doing_? Collin won't even look at me! I'm so horrified…and…w-we shouldn't be doing that!"

"You know I'm in love with you, Bella. I always have been. All I think and see is you…even when you're not there."

I stared incredulously at Jacob, taken back by his statement. I sunk back to plop on my bed, and then proceeded to bury my face in my heads. Somewhere inside of me I knew he did, but he'd never voiced the words before. So where did that leave me? How did I feel about Jacob, my best friend, my savior?

Of course I loved him, there was no disputing that. He was one of the few – if not the only – people I full heartedly trust. But two years of friendship and loving had been taken away from us, and though we kept trying to fall back into the swing of things, it didn't seem that easy.

And how could he even still love me like that? I wasn't deserving. I never was.

"Where does that leave Vanessa?" I grumbled, having nothing else to say. Well, more like _not knowing_ what quite to say.

"Long story," Jake replied, sounding forlorn and as if he had no desire of talking about it. And well, neither did I. Not right now, at least.

He took a seat next to me as I removed my face from my hands.

"Can we maybe go back to being best friends? And just start there? But…I mean…I don't care how I have you…I just want you in my life." It was still his choice as to whether and what role I played in his life. The option of a 'get out of jail free' card was always there.

"Because I'm your banana cream pie?" He smiled gently. There was a slight hint of teasing in his voice.

I laughed softly, and then proceeded to rest my exhausted head against his supporting shoulder, "Yes. Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not, honey," he murmured sincerely, beginning the familiar and sensual rub along my back and side as he buried his nose in my hair.

"Is that a yes then?" I asked nervously to my proposition.

He chuckled a placed his lips to my head, "It's always going to be a yes, Bella."

I nodded in sympathy, unsure of how to respond.

There was a rift of silence; the only sound our even breaths, the only movement Jake's hand.

"So…," I mumbled, trying to sort through my thoughts and questions and all of everything we needed to discuss tonight.

Through all the preparation and planning to get to this moment, I wanted nothing more than to _not_ talk and just _stay_ in this position and…relax.

"So…."

It seemed as if my nostalgia was infectious by the content yet exasperated sigh of Jake's voice.

Despite the hundreds of questions/comments/concerns infiltrating my brain, I decided to start off with something that had been on my mind ever since Quil mentioned it.

It was an easy way to start things off, right?

"What happened with Victoria?"

It wasn't until Jacob's hand ceased its intoxicating caresses and he stiffed against me that I realized that _okay maybe this wasn't an easy way to start things off_.

I pulled away from his shoulder to find Jake's eyes closed. I touched his cheek with feather-light strokes of the tips of my fingers, hoping to give him the encouragement to push through whatever was fazing him.

He found composure seconds later. Our fingers were entwined, followed by Jake's lips brushing along each of my knuckles.

I kept telling myself all these affections were just _friendly touches_.

"After you had…left for Italy, we continued to pick up the leech's scent around town, near Seattle and Port Angeles. She had to have known that you weren't…here, but she stayed for some reason. Sam figured she probably thought we were hiding you and messing with her…making it look as if you were actually _gone_ so she would leave you alone or be drawn someplace else. But either way, we planned on killing her anyways. The pack continued to chase her for three months; she'd never get anywhere close to town. Back and forth, cat and mouse.

There were all these reports in Seattle of missing people and dozens of deaths. It was bloodsuckers, of course, but we weren't sure if Victoria was behind it or some other leech. Soon after that, Victoria started coming around more, and we also picked up on a few other unfamiliar scents near Forks. We didn't know what the hell was going on.

Then, one day, I go over to Charlie's and…and I could _smell_ that there had been a leech here," my heart skipped a beat as I held tighter onto Jake's hand, "I wasn't sure when exactly the fucking thing had been there…but it didn't kill Charlie. It…it was in your _room_…it had gone through your clothes and _been in your room_…." He growled out the last part, his jaw locking as my eyes widened.

He looked sickened, disgusted.

I was confused.

"A few weeks later, by some luck, the pack and I were all out in this open field on the outskirts of town in Forks. Brady discovered a new trail there the night before and it was a scent we didn't recognize. We were all out there, becoming familiar with the scent – we did that with all the other scents we came across too, just as protocol. Each time they were always different – besides the red head's. So yeah, that day while we were out there…we caught Victoria's scent.

There were seven other leeches with her. They were near Forks. They looked like they were…observing… or something, not like they were going to attack, but planning out an attack. With all ten of us being phased, we were able to circle in on them. The red-head seemed surprised that we were even there, at the opposite end of town. So…we finally killed them all, the red-head bitch included."

"And you got hurt?" I whispered after two minutes of silence as he didn't continue.

A twisted agony contorted Jake's beautiful features. He looked…uncomfortable.

I placed my own kiss to his hand still braced in mine as a show of encouragement. Because of the way Quil alluded to the whole situation involving Jacob being injured, I knew in hindsight that something was up, that Jacob wouldn't be so easy going.

"Yeah," he croaked, staring down into his lap, "After Sam and I finished off Victoria, we went to go help the others. I was helping out Leah for a minute, and turned my back to check on Collin and Brady – they had only started phasing a month before – to see if they were alright. And…a leech got its arms around me and broke the whole left side of my body," he grimaced in memory.

"I don't really remember much…but uh…I guess Sam called Carlisle since there weren't many other doctors who could look at me…."

"Carlisle?" I asked, fighting back nausea of dreaded realization, "You…you said this all happened three months after I left?"

Jacob nodded slowly, but seemed shut off…as if he was lost in an impromptu memory.

Tears of anger and spite built up in my eyes. I had still been living with the Cullen's three months after I left…and Carlisle never mentioned any of this. None of them had!

Jacob didn't continue. He only sat there, his body now turned away from me as I watched his jaw quiver. I scooted closer, needing to know what happened.

"So…what happened? Did Carlisle come?"

He nodded, "I guess he did…I wasn't awake when though. I was still unconscious from all the pain. Sam…Sam said the Doc agreed to come if no one asked him about his son. Sam just assumed then that Edward and you had both been…killed—" his teeth gritted as one lone tear fell down his cheek, "—in Italy…which is why Carlisle didn't want us asking. But I guess he was just hiding you. I was so fucking pissed that no one even tried to ask about you, about what happened…and the leech was gone before I was even awake."

A few growls and body quakes later, Jake had composed himself enough to continue, "He kept me unconscious with morphine and then managed to re-break all my bones so that I healed correctly…."

Jake then turned to catch my gaze. And even in the dark of my room, I could make out just how scared he looked.

He moved both of our hands to the place them above the racing _tha-thump_ of his heart.

"I guess…I guess that's when it all started."

I used my other hand to wipe away the few tears dripping down Jake's russet cheeks that he was trying so hard to fight off.

"When what all started?"

* * *

_A/N: __You're definitely going to get a major insight to Jake's life in the next chapter!_

_Thanks for putting up with me and my madness. (:  
This story means a lot to me & I'm glad some people seem to be enjoying it! _

_I also posted a J/B oneshot; Let's Pretend He Could Have Been.  
Go read it!_


	14. Chapter 14

Ch. 14 "Addictive Personality"

The trust, the gusto, the eagerness…it all seemed to vanish in the moment the aglow in Jacob's eyes waned into nothing but a flicker.

One moment he was there in front of me, exposed with a naked soul, and the next he was recoiling and putting up his barrier of protection. It was something so strange to watch, something so characteristic to my own mannerisms. I realized then that the ability to shut down and escape inside yourself isn't discriminatory, that it wasn't just me and my malfunctioned brain that could access such control.

As I inched closer to Jake's side with the prospect of urging him on as the curiosity began to procreate butterflies in my gut, he suddenly moved with quick grace to stand in front of the window. The moon barely shone a reflection against the gold of his skin, but the outline of his silhouette was still visible to my human eyes in the dark of my room.

I was faced with his back as he leaned forward onto the wall, using his hands as leverage while he bowed his head. I shivered as the cool night's air drifted in as my source of warmth retreated from me.

"Jacob?" I frowned, now understanding all that he put up with through those months Edward was gone two years ago. It was frustrating; sitting here and getting so far only to be shut out. And I did that to him numerous times…yet he stuck around with gentle persistence.

There was so much I needed to thank him for.

His silence was a cue for me to stand and blindly make my way over to him, stubbing my toe and bruising my shin along the way. I placed my hand to his back—for that need of a connection—while keeping a close eye on his reaction.

He only remained still and apprehensive.

"You don't have to tell me anything, Jake. I understand. You don't owe this to me…and why would you? I didn't ask you here to put you on the spot like this. Yes, I do need some answers…it might be easier for the both of us if we talk about everything, then maybe we can move on. But I hate making you feel this way."

Jacob seemed to have relaxed immensely under the caress of my one hand on his scorching skin. I fought to find his gaze, to find some reaction in response to me, but all I received was more silence. I took an unsteady breath, hoping he wasn't pulling further away from me.

"Can we get out of here?"

"And go where?" I whispered, catching his gaze as he pleaded with me. He looked anxious…but there was that aglow back in his obsidian eyes.

"Away," he replied in a curt husk.

"I can't leave my parents."

"Just for a few hours?"

"Okay." The agreement fell from my lips without second thought.

He turned to face me, a look of facility contorting the frame of his eyes. One of his hands ghosted through my hair, creating a shudder through my body in its wake. My eyes throbbed to close and sleep, but I pushed the weariness aside, asserting to myself that I would quite literally follow him anywhere; into dusk or dawn. I took a step back, holding up one finger to request permission to tiptoe across my room and pull on sweats, shoes, and a hoodie over my pajamas.

I was graced with an almost real smile when I turned to find Jake still at the window, looking like he was preparing himself to jump. I laughed—which sounded awkward yet placate in the heavy tension—before I was creaking open my door and shaking my head at him.

There was no way I was jumping out that window.

With little encouragement, Jacob followed after me, keeping right against my back as his steps obtained silence despite his girth while the floor squeak and croaked below the size six of my feet. The escape out into the night air was quite simple; we made it past the hum of the television pacifying the snoring Charlie to sleep on the couch. And Renee slept like the dead.

I could recall the time the fire alarm in the hallway of our house in Phoenix went off—old battery—and she managed to sleep soundly through the loud blaring. It was quite funny to see, actually.

Instead of being met with Jake's camaro, I was faced with the red polishing of his…motorcycle. I smiled coyly to myself at the prospect of an adrenaline rush. Jake caught the glee in my eyes and took my hand leading me over to straddle said automobile.

"I'll have to push it down the road a bit. I don't think Charlie will be too pleased to find you out here with me in the middle of the night, on the back of a motorcycle. Especially since I forgot to bring a helmet," he chuckled dryly, still half himself as his guard continued its transfiguring. I wished he'd just let go.

Jake pushed us down the bend of the road before he climbed on. I clung tightly to his back, my hands fisting his shirt as my eyes rested shut. My heart was already pounding in anticipation.

Over the purr of the bike, Jake's voice was just a whisper in my ear as he twisted towards me, "Hold on tight, all right? You've been accident free for awhile now. Wouldn't want to mess that up, would we?"

I could feel the grin of his lips against my ear. I swatted playfully at his chest before mumbling, "Get on with it already." By the way he spoke so teasingly, I could tell his own excitement and eagerness for the adrenaline was beginning to put up a fight and chisel down that wall inside of him.

It didn't really matter where we went; I was content to ride freely the entire night. Talk be damned.

There was something beautifully peaceful at the subject of being so free and flying through the night on the back of one of the two motorbikes we rebuilt together in years past. And it was, truthfully, like flying.

I didn't open my eyes or remove my head from Jake's back the entire time—however long that may be. Instead, I recalled memories of the beginning of a friendship, of an easiness, of watching large hands somehow work so delicately. Memories of first rides, first crashes, first helping hands.

I wondered if he kept these bikes for the purpose of remembering.

Couldn't we just ride away forever?

I was so content and warm and safe and happy and _free_ that I must have dozed off. A pair of warm hands pried away my arms from around the waist of the man providing me warmth and a safe harbor. An instant later he was out of my embrace, but continued to hold me steady.

"Come back," I mumbled sleepily, almost forgetting what exactly we were doing until the sound of crickets hymning and clammy air chilling stirred me and I blinked my eyes open to stare up at Jake, who was in full grin mode.

"The night's still young, Bells. Wake up."

I rubbed my eyes and then followed suite and stood at his side. After a few groggy minutes, I managed to pull myself from a seductive slumber with the reminder that there was still so much to talk about—still so much left to say—to just forget about.

"I'm awake, I'm awake…" I croaked then took in our surroundings. "Where are we?"

"Taylor Point."

"Hmmm?" Were we still even the Forks/La Push vicinity? How long was I out? "How long was I out for?" I found myself repeating.

Jacob took my hand—our hands folded and not interlaced though I tried to switch it up—as I followed him through the small dirt path leading to a hidden destination.

"We're at Taylor Point; it's on Second Beach…very north of La Push and secluded. Typically there's about a mile and a half hike to get there, but I drove the bike most of the way. And you were out for about forty five minutes or so…"

I made another 'mmm' noise under my breath as I kept close to his side, avoiding the Sitka spruce, hemlock and alder of the nature surrounding us. We continued walking on the path for about five more mute minutes until the sound of the surf resonated and I could taste the salt in the air.

It was then we were greeted with the ocean, hemmed by two imposing headlands creating that sort of seclusion Jake referred to earlier. I couldn't make much else out due to the darkness.

"That's Teahwhit Head," Jake pointed towards one of the two headlands enclosing the mile long beach shore, "and that's Taylor Point," he murmured into my ear, then pointing towards a towering cliff edge with small waterfalls cascading into the ocean.

"Back in the early 1900s, the Quileute's made an agreement with the government to allow them to search for oil here," his voice was now at a whisper as he pointed towards the old boiler amidst a swamp near Taylor Point. "There was never anything profitable to use…lucky for us I guess. It's more peaceful and natural this way. It's a nice place to think…to get away."

I smiled at the gratitude in his voice. "Well…I would say it's beautiful…but I can't see much past the shore and Taylor Point," I teased at my own innate ability.

"Wait and see," Jacob offered stoically before plopping down in the sand and leaning back against a piece of driftwood. His gaze then tilted towards the sky. I, once again, followed his every move and sat right against his side, taking a skeptical looks towards the shining stars. With much conflict brewing inside my head as to what to say and where to begin, I decided on remaining mute and letting Jake take the reins.

I began running my hands through the sand's grains, distracting myself in memories and thoughts of Jacob and that day on First Beach three years ago.

It felt like a good half an hour had passed before I felt Jake's body shift and heard his throat clear.

"You know, my mom was addicted to pain medication…," he spoke not much later. I arched my eyebrow at the direction he was taking this conversation. Jake just stared out towards the ocean with hunched eyebrows.

"After I was born, I don't know, there were some complications. She had a c-section, and there were some issues…the doctors prescribed her some opiates—morphine and codeine—for after some multiple surgeries she was given. People say it's rare to become addicted to opiates…unless you have an addictive personality, you just become dependent. I guess my mom was like that in a way; she got attached to things easily. Food, books, movies, people…So, she just learned to rely on the meds for whatever reason, even after the doctors stopped prescribing them to her."

He paused to swallow. I watched his adam's apple bob. The sense of apprehension was back again. I took his hand between the two of mine in the same moment, awed that he was even telling me this about Sarah Black who he always kept so hidden. But what did this have to do with Jake's injury after the battle with Victoria?

"Anyways, I don't remember much…Rach and Becca do, but only little things. Like her always being sleepy and out of it. Billy told me most of this a year again…about how she struggled with letting the meds go but after a few months all was managed, luckily not becoming heavily addicted since it takes several months to develop. She was the perfect mom…I never figured…." His lips pursed into a thin line.

All was quiet again as he regained his thoughts. I clutched his hand a bit tighter, afraid of the next words out of his mouth. It wasn't hard for me to piece together.

"When Carlisle came and fixed me up after the battle, he had to give me double the amount of morphine to keep me under and from feeling pain. Werewolves burn through medicine at a much faster pace because of our metabolism. When he left, he instructed Sam to give me the right amount of dosage for two days after so that I could heal properly. He left behind a few prescriptions, in case anyone else got hurt and needed the morphine if Carlisle couldn't make it in time. Like I said, I don't really remember much about those few days…the morphine does enough in large amounts to fog my brain and the pain."

An almost sad smile formed his lips, "I guess…I guess I'm like my mom in more ways than I thought. I thought I was just persistent and adventurous like her…but I have an addictive personality like hers too. I'm addicted to you, I'm addicted to building things with my hands, I'm addicted to my wolf…" The list seemed endless but he trailed off, already having made his point that was easily attached. My heart was already racing as I choked back dread that misted my eyes.

"The morphine made it easier to forget…to not think about how I thought I'd lost you forever, how I'd thought it was my fault, how I regretted every letting you go…" I gasped as it was now guilt choking me. He began toy with my fingers, staring intently at our adjoined hands, "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or blame you…but it was easier to live under the fog the opiates provided for quite awhile after that. I didn't have to think about you or the pain that hurt so bad inside my chest…"

One of my hands had fluttered over my parted lips to prevent the look of disbelief and horror on my face. The images of a lifeless, strung out Jacob played before my eyes. How could someone once so full of life turn into that? How did I…how did I let that happen? I hated myself wholly in that moment for how much damage I did on his life. The tears poured like liquid down my face. There were many things I wanted to do in that moment; hug him, hold him, apologize, try to find some words to take away the pain and make everything that was so wrong and true right…

But all I could do was cry and shed disgusted tears at myself while I stared at the masked face of my best friend, who marked my heart while I practically ruined him…

"I let up about seven months ago…I'm not sure what changed, but something did. Sam was in the process of quitting phasing, so we needed an Alpha. I should have always been the Alpha, it's in my blood. So, I tried to step up for my pack, for my brothers. So maybe it was that…or maybe it was Billy telling me about my mom, or maybe it was Vanessa and how much she cared and hung around even though I tried to push everyone away…

I…I just became dependent on it. The idea of not having to feel pain or think about ugly thoughts is what's so addictive about it… It wasn't hard letting go of the drug—I think I didn't get addicted even though I was using for months is because of how I'm not exactly human and it doesn't affect me right—but it was hard dealing with what I tried to keep locked away for almost a year. I was clean for awhile, until you came back…it just hurt so fucking bad and I didn't know how to react. But…but I'm better now."

All I could do was to bring his hand up to my face and gently cry. What had I done?

Now everything seemed so clear; why everyone always gave Jake that mystified look when he was smiling and laughing, why Billy was quick to thank me for being back because of my effect on Jacob, why he was always so shaky and withdrawn those first few weeks I was back, why he didn't seem like himself…

How could I even reply to him and make him see how truly sorry I was, without it sounding brisk and untrue like most apologies do? I furrowed into his side, wanting to take all his pain and demons away and wishing it was as easy as that.

Once I got a control on my voice and sobs, I managed to speak the only words I could think to utter. "I'm so sorry, Jacob. So sorry. Can you ever forgive me? I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so stupid…_I'm so sorry_…"

He remained silent, contemplative, all the while stroking my thigh as I buried my face in my hands and yearned for some sort of way to make everything better.

"Don't apologize," he admonished while pulling me closer.

I brushed away my tears, feeling too many emotions to sort through them. How could he even ask me not to apologize? "No, I need to apologize Ja—"

"We both have faults here. It was fucking stupid and dumb on my part to do that. I'm not blaming you for that, Bella."

"Then blame me for something," I pleaded then pulled back to find his gaze. My eyes had already adjusted to the darkness now coated by the pale moon. "I want you to blame me. I want you to know that it's okay to blame me, that I deserve it. You saying that I don't need to apologize won't make it any better…I'm the only one at fault here."

"I do blame you for a lot of things, Bella," Jacob replied, seeming to hesitate over responding truthfully. "I blame you for being my best friend, for needing me like I need you, for saying all the right the things, for putting up with me. I blame you for making me fall in love with you—though I never once regret it. And I blame you for all the pain you put me through, that you inflicted on me. But I don't blame you for how I reacted, how I became reliant on a drug so I didn't have to feel, how I screwed Leah for God knows what reasons, how I ran practically all across North America to try and tract down the Cullen's, how I felt so useless…"

I digested the new information, glad my relentless tears seemed to have ceased as I regained some ounce of control. At one point did Jacob decide to be so open with me?

"Do you hate me? It's okay to," I whispered, leaning my head in to rest on his shoulder with a defeated sigh. I prayed he'd say yes.

"I love you, Bella," he reminded me, his voice sounding far off.

There were those words again.

"It is possible to hate someone you love," I mumbled. Couldn't he just lie and appease me, rather than be so caring and understanding and so…_Jacob_?

He let out a dry chuckle, "According to who?"

"Me," I snuggled closer. "Maybe hate isn't the word I'm looking for…" How could I explain this simpler? "It's okay to really really really dislike me."

Jake chuckled once more, this one with more throat to it. "I don't 'really really really dislike you', Bells. Even if I tried. I only wish that maybe you were a bit more selfish, that sometimes you'd think about yourself first rather than others. And that you weren't so stubborn."

"Me too," I muttered mutually.

"Why couldn't you have just called me?" Jake asked moments after silence dawned. His voice ached so brokenly.

I felt his nose graze along the top of my head. The debate for an answer gnawed at me. I'd thought this answer through hundreds of times before…conclusively it all came down to this:

"Because then I would have gave in and you would have found me."

"Is that so bad?"

"I could never put your life at stake, Jacob."

"Do you not trust me?" he asked weakly.

"I trust you more than anyone."

"If you truly do, then you should have listened to me when I told you that I would protect you, that the pack would protect you from anything."

I pulled back to find his gaze only inches from mine, "That was entirely the point! I could never morally ask that of you all. I could never _expect _that. It was easier the way. If the shoe was on the other foot—"

"Well it's not!" Jake growled out with vexation, the first time that night he had lost his temper and raised his voice. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and sighed heavily, "I understand. Really, I do. But I'm just so fucking frustrated with you…"

"I'm glad you're beginning to dislike me…"

He let out a forced chuckle, "I already told you I lo—"

"I know," I cut him off for whatever reason. The idea of what I was feeling inside frightened me.

We sat in silence, neither of us sure where to pick up the pieces and begin again.

"Will you let me apologize now?" I asked scarcely, afraid he wouldn't. When he didn't reply and tucked his head in towards the nape of my neck, I took it as a sign to continue.

His hot breath against my neck had me dazed, leaving me with a once suppressed fervor.

"It makes me sick to my stomach to realize that what I did to you was like what Edward did to me. I never intended that, Jake. I _hate_ that you went through what I went through…You deserve so much more. You're the most amazing person I know and I'll never forgive myself for this. I am so sorry and hope to one day prove that to you. I want to fix this. If you're not okay than I'm not okay." I laced my fingers through his. "I want to make it all better for you. I promise to."

"Promises are hard to keep, Bella," he pointed out sadly, his lips to my neck.

"Well…then I promise extra hard."

"Sure, sure." And though I couldn't see it, I could hear the genuine smile on the purse of his lips.

The air and atmosphere between us then was snug and reminiscent. Nothing felt forced, or uncertain, or desperate. It was now so easy to feel so relaxed around Jacob, to curl into his side and wrap my arms around his waist as he traced lazily circles with his fingers, hands, and lips on all parts of me accessible.

It's like we were vying to make up lost time.

The sun rose just beyond where the ocean curved sometime later, highlighting a gentle yellow and orange into the clouds to reflect onto the azure water of the Pacific. I could now make out—from behind tired, squinted eyes—the waterfalls dripping from Taylor Point and the numerous, small islands near shore and off in the distance.

I was slipping between unconsciousness and consciousness. How long have we sat here for? I was content to never leave. I felt safe.

"Enough talk for one night, don't you think?" Jake whispered into the side of my head, sounding equally as exhausted. I nodded, half-asleep and void of any energy as we both gazed at the rising sun.

He was right, it was beautiful.

We rose to our feet slowly, neither of us wanting to leave the qualm of the peaceful ocean, filled with surf and birds chirping. I wished I wasn't so tired so I could take it all in.

"Can we come back here again?"

"Sure, sure," Jake offered, leading me back the way we came.

My feet dragged my drained and heavy body back to where Jake parked the motorcycle. He kept an arm around me, then helping me to climb on and curl into his back as he revved the beast. I closed my reddened eyes, too tired to fight to keep them open any longer while my arms hung loosely around Jake's waist. I noticed then that we weren't moving.

He cut the engine and shifted to face me.

"Stay awake, honey. Just until we get back…you need to hold on tight so you won't fall off. Don't let go," he spoke in a concerned voice. I appeased him by tightening my hold around his waist and furrowing further into his back while breathing in his evergreen scent.

The muscles in my arms felt too liquid to hold on with any strength.

We took off then, and just as the hum of the bike was about to rock me to sleep, I felt one of Jake's arms slip down to my grasp, his hand curling around my unsteady arms and holding them in place with his. To steady me, to make sure my grasp wouldn't slip.

Something about the gesture made my heart soar. I felt an overwhelming sense of flourishing affection and inclination that I had no desire of letting go of. It felt so _good_ to feel.

In that moment, I just knew. Everything felt so right.

"Hey, Jake?" I inquired sleepily, knowing he'd hear me.

"Hmmm?" A grumbling inside his chest confronted my arms.

"I love you, too."

* * *

_A/N: Surprise? I wasn't planning on typing this up before my vacation…buuuut it just kinda happened. It's shorter than usual, but this was all I had planned for this chapter anyways. I hope you guys are happy with me :D Or you might hate me more…Hey, whichever works!_

_I know that drug addiction is not taken lightly. I'm not trying to offend anyone or say that it's right to resort to pain killers. Ummm I could totally be wrong in my research in finding that morphine and opiates aren't dangerously addictive (unless someone has an addictive personality and that it takes month for an addiction to develop). YES, I did find that in my research. For the purpose of fiction, let's pretend it all works yes? If anyone wants to point out a mistake I made or something – feel free to PM and explain. I'm more than willing to listen._

_Oh, and also for the purpose of fiction—if any of you smarty-pants picked up on it—yes, I am aware that the sun doesn't rise in the west where B&J are facing the ocean and watching the 'sunrise' LOL. But let's just pretend okay? (:_


	15. Chapter 15

Ch. 15 "I Love You, Too"

"_You're not happy." _

_There was no inquiry to his question. It sounded like a simple fact, like there was no doubt in his mind that I was, indeed, not happy. It was more of an accusation._

_Was I ever really happy in the first place?_

_To both those questions, the answer was severely blunt; _no_. _

_I felt trapped, conflicted, barricaded…. The way so many pent up emotions gradually began to smother me over the past four months were now itching for a desired release. _

_I stared back into his topaz eyes cynically, exaggerations and pleas forcing their way up my useless throat as I fought to choke them back. I could scream and cry and yell and confess and agree._

_Yet I didn't._

_Instead I sat there mutely, contemplating a response that shouldn't have felt forced in the first place._

_Happy?_

_The concept of happiness escapes me. _

_Is it fleeting, like pleasure? Does it come and go? Is it a well-being, an entire state that takes flourishing to come across? Is happiness for one person the same for another? Or was Aristotle right in saying that happiness is granted when we do what we ought to do for the greater good rather than what makes us happy ourselves?_

_Subconsciously, I should have then been the happiest person alive if Aristotle's ethics of happiness were indeed correct. _

_Then there's always that little idea of pleasure bringing happiness, which doesn't seem all that plausible and accurate._

_Because, in truth, don't we only want the pleasure for the pain?_

_My brain was beginning to throb due to the sudden splurge of my thoughts (thanks to the philosophical books I'd recently been discovering in Carlisle's library). Both of my hands fluttered up to rub either side of my temple as I looked strictly to the beige carpet and away from Edward's inquisitive eyes._

"_Not lately," I replied in a faint and apologetic whisper, knowing very well he'd hear me from his perch on the couch's edge across the room._

_Our room._

_Well, more _my_ room…since I did most the sleeping and respectful human things in there._

_Without even looking at Edward I could already picture the defeated and frustrated expression etching the marble indents of his face. Even if I tried to lie—in spite of his feelings since I was continuing on this roll of being selfless—he'd see right through it._

_Or Alice would actually _**see**_ right through it. She was the one who probably warned him of this—of my new thoughts and desires of the futures—in the first place. He would have remained in this oblivion as long as he could. _

_After all, what was time wasted away to him? _

_I was the one losing it day by day. _

"_And why haven't you talked to me about this, my Bella? Your happiness is all I could ever want for you."_

_My first initial thoughts in regards to this were; how the hell do you expect me to be happy?_

_This then led into the ideals of why exactly I hadn't discussed this new, unwelcomed voice of reasoning and second guessing within me to him. In a matter of seconds I finally came to the conclusion that Edward wasn't the one to blame and that I was being irrational. He always was and still is handing over his generosity with promises of my well-being, of my safety, of my _happiness_… _

_Ugh. That word was beginning to sound like a type of terminal cancer. _

"_I've been meaning to," I assured him (though there was no promise in my voice), wishing somehow he could understand, and then wishing again that he couldn't. Would this have been easier if my mind was tuned to the correct a.m. channel everyone else seemed to be playing on that Edward could hear?_

"_What's on your mind, love?" Edward was kneeling in front of me, blurring my vision from the uncanny and fast paced movement he inducted, "Your nightmares have worsened these past few weeks…I was hoping it was just a stage." He reached for my hands._

_They began to tingle and numb under the firm chill._

_Why did the warmth continue to be more appealing than the cold?_

_In that moment my lips parted as my voice squeaked with a response, but all I could do was surrender to getting lost in the topaz crème of his eyes._

_I hated this. _Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate_._

_For three months I was okay. For three months. What changed? _When_ did it change? Why couldn't I just easily accept my fate of spending eternity with the Cullens, as a part of their family, like I would have given anything for almost six months ago?_

_Yet I was reminded that for those six months I fell into the darkest and deepest hole during my time mourning Edward's loss. I experienced heart break and depression. I felt useless and broken and just so simply empty. All for him, all because of him, and how badly I loved and felt enamored by his subtle presence and interest in me. _

_This was the part that internally tormented me. I wasted my life away for him…so why wasn't I so desperately head over heels back in love with him, ready to be changed into his kind? How could I break so easily for someone only to find out that maybe it was for nothing and that it was now hard to put trust into said person? Maybe eventually—though it felt inevitable—I could have been healed by Jacob. This was what I was recently beginning to see and recognize. _

_It was incredibly bothersome that this perfection I ached with Edward was slipping away, no matter how hard I tried to fight and control it over the next month up until this point. It was all I could think about. _

_I loved him—and still do, but in a less demanding and influenced way than before. _

_Something just felt different, like my choice was taken out of the equation (which it had been). I was rethinking my desire to agree to the Volturi's wishes and be changed with a promise of immortality. I was rethinking my feelings towards Edward (love, but not passionate love). _

_And though I insisted on becoming part of his family in the beginning, my perspective was shifting with the weight of what my universe used to be so severely tied down to. _

_Edward had disregarded the idea of me becoming like him, of course. After his gut wrenching confession of lying to leave me because he didn't want me, to really leaving to protect me, he still assured his love and desire for me. But he was struggling with the idea of taking my 'soul' and 'damming' me. _

_These ideas I once found ridiculous back in the first two months of our reunion were now turning into something short of a savior. Because I was enraptured and corrupted with the idea of being changed, I would have been long gone if Edward wasn't so uncompromising. _

_His only request was that I marry him before my planned change, something I couldn't even possibly wrap my head around. Of course I fought the idea, though he constantly reminded me that time was limited and the Volturi are creatures of high demand. _

_I thought about it. I thought about why I couldn't return home, what I'd be risking, what I would be giving up, what I would be gaining. _

_And though the shadow of Edward was enough to sedate me, the looming thoughts of Jacob continued to be something I heavily dazed about. _

_I missed him._

_In my nightmares—the recent ones Edward had mentioned—all I could see was the Volturi murdering Jacob and the pack, one by one, as they tried to defend my life. It was enough to ground me, to keep from selfishly returning like I had been fantasizing about. _

_Besides, THIS—with Edward—should be what I wanted. _

_I tried convincing myself of that for so long. And I wasn't happy in doing so. It was hard, having to hold off on my feelings and protect my heart for fear of handing it over to Edward yet again, only to be abandoned. There was always that voice in the back of my mind, projecting images on a too-big screen that mirrored how exactly broken this person could make me feel._

_Something felt off. Every second I was preoccupied and paranoid with the idea of him hurting me yet again. The trust wasn't there. _

_How could I agree to marry him if I felt that way? Yet alone stay with him forever?_

_There was still another option. One that could successfully bring no harm to the two families I love. _

"_No, Edward, I'm not happy."_

_His face remained frozen as our eyes locked. _

"_Things are changing for me. I'm scared. And…and I'm not happy here…. I want to move."_

"_You want to move? Well, we can go anywhere you desire, Bella."_

"_No…no, that's not what I meant." Tears pricked my eyes. Of course._

"_What are you saying then, love?"_

_I had to spit this out. It would drive me off my cracker if I didn't._

_The conclusion and diagnosis to this was a change of scenery. _

_Alice must have known my rooted decision by now, which I had been contemplating for weeks. The simple idea of having some space, of being on my own and figuring out what I should do and spending time to find myself was beginning to play the most important role in my thoughts._

_Well, aside from the typical always on my mind, which I had been managing _not_ to think about as of recently. It hurt too much. And it continued to hurt even as I tried not to think about it. About him. For months I tried to remain in this same, peaceful oblivion as Edward maintained. _

_My resolve was beginning to wither and crack. For only so long could I play the card of negligence. _

"_I'm saying that I need some time to myself. Everything is happening so quickly and I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe…maybe I can live on my own for a little, if it's safe, than I can figure this all out. It would buy me more time, to do human things-" I pointed that out purposefully, knowing that was all he ever wanted, "-while I still have time. I need to do this for myself, Edward. I'm not happy here…please understand."_

_Not only did I need to find myself and figure out what I wanted, but I just couldn't _live_ here anymore. In a house full of vampires who didn't do all too much with their days._

_I observed this over time, noting what they did day by day; a ritual of sorts that would only last for forever. Could I succumb to this lifestyle that was just so…bland? Even now, four months in, it was beginning to suffocate me. _

_Everything felt too uniform:_

_Three times a day I would use the Cullen's untouched and unused kitchen (sometimes Esme would help with the cooking of my meals)._

_Four times a day I would use one of their five and a half also unused and untouched bathrooms._

_Once a week Edward would take me shopping to re-stock the fridge with food (sometimes he'd even let me venture out on my own if the sun was shining that day. And when it did, I soaked up as much of it as I could)._

_Once every week and a half the Cullens would hunt and I would find time to cry. Jasper was usually around to keep my relaxed. When he wasn't, that pestering little hole inside my chest returned. This began happening in the recent month._

_On special and unplanned occasions, Alice would take me out shopping while I bitched and moaned along the way (though I would admit to almost fruitfully agreeing to anything that would get me out of the house)._

_Rosalie and Emmet took off on another 'honeymoon' right after Edward and I returned from Volterra. It only seemed obvious Rose had no intention or desire to live in the same house I was living in. She first apologized for the Edward mishap, then proceeded to give me a quick speech about her envy towards my mortal life, how she admonished my lust to become a vampire, and how she wanted kids and a family and life which I could so easily have although I was planning on giving it up._

_That mantra then turned into one more reason behind why I was suddenly so unsure about my decision. Or rather, the one the Volturi made for me. _

_The other reasons behind my brewing decision to leave for awhile were: the scarce reality of bloodlust and living forever, having no desire to be _that_, my feelings towards Edward not being so potent, not giving up what could be a precious life and a family. I was still feeling optimistic that the Volturi wouldn't come checking despite Alice and Edward's warnings._

_I could not make a commitment to forever in four months. _

_If I was going to have my life ended one way or another, then the least I could do was make the most out of what time I had left._

_Happiness and time; two words now so complex in their meaning. _

"_Will this make you happy?" Edward ask, skimming his fingers across one cheekbone to catch a stray tear. _

"_Yes," I whispered, placing a gentle kiss to the side of his pale hand now cupping the left side of my face. My lips began to prick with coldness._

"_Can I come with you? I can't imagine ever being away from you again, Bella, especially when I've just gotten you back."_

_I bowed my head to duck away from the poignant fear in his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't keep living like this. It would consequentially be painful for me too, but I needed to stand strong. He was always so persuasive. _

"_For now, I think I just need to be on my own. I don't want to hurt you, Edward. But I need this. It's important to me."_

_He took his time processing the information. _

"_But where will you go? Surely you can't return back to Forks."_

_I winced, "I know that. I think I'll go somewhere quiet…like Montana, or maybe back to Arizona."_

_Seconds later his lips were on mine, and I was instantly marveled by his intoxicating taste and smell. Momentarily I even considered the option that he was just trying to distract me, to leave me baffled with his simple touch. _

_He easily possessed the power to do so. That nimble effect never changed._

_I was left light-headed. This was why I need to get away._

"_I understand, Bella. Even though it pains me to do so, if this is what you want, then I'll let you go."_

_A smile of comprehension graced the beautiful lips of Edward. They were then soon on mine again, granting me tender and passion filled pecks. _

"_How long will this take?"_

_A frustrated sigh passed my tingling lips, "I don't think you're understanding this properly, Edward," I frowned at the way he sounded so sure I would come running back to him in only a matter of time, "I'm scared, don't you get it? At first I wanted to be changed…and now that's changing. There are some things I'm not willing to give up just yet. And…and what I feel towards you is changing, that's scaring me too. If I'm off on my own, then I can figure this out…and it may not be what you want to hear. Right now, I'm confused and leaving for myself. I may be back…or I may not be."_

"_You can't just leave for forever, Bella. We'll need to protect you if the Volturi come. Alice will keep watch but I won't be able to protect you from anything else-"_

"_I'll be fine, okay?" I cut him off, placing my own small hand to his cheek, "Let me do this. We can figure everything else out when the time comes."_

_Edward seemed a bit disbelieving, but I was able to slowly watch something click in his eyes. This was when he nodded and lifted my palm to his lips. _

"_Just remember I love you, that I'll always be here. Take as much time as you need…though I can't promise I'll be able to stay away from you and make sure you're not in danger of anything."_

_I let out a hoarse chuckle and nodded. At least he was honest._

"_Don't let me see you then."_

"_Promise. I love you, Bella."_

_A few more tears shed as I molded myself into the statue-embrace of his body._

"_I love you, too."_

The lashes of my eyes fluttered open to find the lit with day expanse of my room, the blur of a memory dissolving with the sleep induced by my eyelids.

Another more recent memory began to emerge and relate.

_In that moment, I just knew. Everything felt so right._

_"Hey, Jake?" I inquired sleepily, knowing he'd hear me._

_"Hmmm?" A grumbling inside his chest confronted my arms._

_"I love you, too."_

I stared blankly at my ceiling, wondering if this was my waking epiphany.

_

* * *

_

**Jacob's POV **

_Bella_.

At one point I couldn't even so much as think her name without it burning. Now…well, now it burned so fucking good.

I felt my whole life turned after she disappeared, like a river suddenly reversing the direction of its flow.

Even now, trying to reflect on that time and those circumstances was grueling, too burdensome in that all it did was make matters worse.

But when my mind wanders…my mind fucking wanders.

There was always that expectancy I _expected_ of myself when it came to dealing with death. The grievance of my mother's passing was taken as a sort of twisted preparation. And there was always that thought that maybe death would be easier in accordance to dealing with it since I had already been given a dosage.

The two circumstances were equally painful. The only difference was that with Bella, when she didn't return from the Volturi and thought to have been killed, I then knew what to except.

No, wait. There was another difference. The weight of _guilt _I kept feeding myself over Bella's 'death' stirred a new kind of pain.

With my mother, I only felt loss and abandonment. Not to mention anger. That plus guilt was then added into the equation with Bella.

So I grieved. I grieved, yet sought out some sort of redemption while remaining in disbelief. How could she be dead? And if she was, how could my heart still be beating for her?

There was never 'the moment' of revelation that confirmed she was dead. No one ever said, because no one ever knew. The third week she didn't come home, or didn't call, was when reality really sunk its hooks in fucking deep. It was when Charlie went into full Cop-mode over his missing daughter, when the pack became a bit more modest, when Billy began carefully watching his words, when the build up finally crumbled me and I no longer held it in.

So I ran, because it was the only thing I knew how to do. There was something oddly comforting about being phased. No, it wasn't 'easier to deal' or more 'peaceful'. It created a release, one that didn't last long, of course. I found after only two weeks that staying phased made the damage inside me mentally and physically worse.

And though I couldn't run all the way to fucking Italy, the one thing I could do was find the Cullens with a motive of revenge. I only ran in lost circles with my tail between my legs, having no sense of direction or even a hint of where to begin searching at.

I wound up in Eastern Canada.

The whole concept of running was now the number one spot of most ridiculous and stupid stunts I had ever pulled. In human form, once I dragged myself back to La Push, I felt physically bruised after delaying myself from feeling anything human for three weeks (Sam explained that because of the way we bond with our wolf's, we give up certain human notions when phased). Every movement hurt times a fucking billion. I didn't know what to do. What _was_ there to do?

My knuckles were constantly raw or scabbed as I held no control over my temper.

My eyes remained bloodshot.

My heart fell into an incapability of anything besides a lingering heaviness.

I could figure the appropriate word was numb. So that's what I did; I numbed.

Everyone kept telling me it would get better. But it was all just calculated lies, masking truth.

What did they know? The only person remotely feeling the same shit as me was Charlie. I found myself spending more of my time with him.

Yeah, it hurt worse. But it was the only thing I could do to feel.

I missed her so goddamn much.

Now that she was back, I felt as if I was being reintroduced to the person I once was but lost somewhere over a transition in time, because much like I used to, I found myself back on a one stream current (with a slight static) of _Bella Bella Bella_.

The battle erupted within me the following days after her arrival. If it was possible to be both soaring on a fantasy high while being pushed to the extremes of all sanity and rage, than I would have combusted. A few times it even felt like I had.

As badly as my heart craved to be hers again (well, it never _stopped _being hers technically), my brain put up quite the fight. It consistently argued that after all these months of insanity and anguish—after a progress made steady to move on—how could I even cognize letting myself go back to that slightly obsessed and in love state with her? After everything? Especially when I got to the state of being able to think her name without keeling over?

It was like relapsing. Although I was never fully healed.

The day Bella came back, the day I found out she was alive, was now something so rooted in the cells of my brain that each feeling/thought/tear/word were not forgotten.

So, the day was memorable at best.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, that's what got me most. It was just another day, another day of work, patrol, sleep, eat, etc. The only change I picked up on was Quil's scent. When he walked into the diner that afternoon, I wasn't the only one who smelt the worry and apprehension rolling off of him in fresh waves.

With no exaggeration, it looked like he had seen a ghost.

Ghost. Death. _Bella._

And that was when I thought of her, for the first time _that_ day. Some days she was all I could think about, other days I'd lie down at night having no self awareness that she didn't infect my thoughts not once in the twenty four hours (and then she always would).

I think the longest I lasted was four days, though it shouldn't really count since I wasn't entirely _present_ at the time.

_Dipshit_.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought I was crazy; out of my mind fucking paranoid that somehow he had seen Bella. Or a Cullen. Or something. And by the way Quil kept averting my very intrusive and poignant glance and because there was that sweet honeysuckle scent in the air, I had come to the absolute decision that it _was_ her.

Although it couldn't be her. And if it was, than that sweet I'd-give-fucking-anything-to-smell-again aroma of hers wouldn't be faint in the air. And if it was, her heart wouldn't be beating.

By the end of lunch I convinced myself that I was incurably messed up and needed help. I also convinced myself that someone had planted a honeysuckle bush nearby.

I was far too hopeful/less to even approach Quil, because this was, after all, only a reoccurring theme.

Instead, he did me the direct honor. By this point I was back under control, at least mentally. It was easy to block certain things. It was also easier to not breakdown under the guilt. With practice comes skill. Even if it's just barely enough to skate by.

Except I was still so damn fidgety. Whether it be from slight withdrawal or anxiety, I wasn't sure. Hell, I wasn't sure of much lately.

Quil was just as fidgety as me, if not more. He looked disbelieving and flustered.

The rest of the pack made their way ahead of us, sensing privacy as we all exited the once empty diner.

"What's up?" I insisted while coming to a halt, my voice deeper and more rasped than normal as I began to cautiously breathe heavily.

There was a long pause. I had to resist the urge to just grab onto his shoulders and fucking shake the information out of him.

"Shit, Jake. I dunno how to say this."

"Spit it out," I growled with Alpha demand. I tried not to use my control on the pack recreationally. Sometimes it slipped out, like a broken faucet.

"Bella's alive."

"Don't mess with me like that, Quil," I hissed under my breath, my nostrils flaring.

"You know damn well I wouldn't mess around with this subject."

No one ever spoke her name. It felt foreign.

He continued, "She was the one I was talking to out there. I wasn't planning on telling you…but I figured I'd warn you, in case she shows up on your doorstep or some shit like that. She…she didn't tell me what happened, she was just coming to find you…," then trailed off.

…

With all sense of urgency I began turning in circles, surveying the parking lot for her. _Bella Bella Bella…god, Bella?_

I was shaking, on the verge of falling helplessly to my knees, sick to my stomach with a feeling of hopeful dread, and completely frantic. I wasn't even sure if my mind was working.

Quil caught my shoulder to stop me, "She went back to Charlie's. I'm not even sure what the hell is going on. Listen, Jake…you don't have to see her, man. It might make things worse for you…and, and you just got better. Give yourself some time. Process it. Fuck, even **I** have to process it."

I snarled at him.

This was some kind of sick fucking joke.

That's when I called, having to hear her voice. Would I even still remember what she sounded like? My fingers shook so incredibly damn much as it took three tries to dial the correct number to the Swan's residence.

_"Hello?" _Pause_, "Um…hello? Mom?"_

So sweet, her voice.

My mind went blank, my eyes glazed over. I was in my car the next second, subconsciously knowing that if I phased I would have ran in the opposite direction for miles.

The moment I had my arms around her, tasting her saccharine, warm skin on my lips and feeling her heart beat hammering the most beautiful tune in my ear was the moment I was yet again sucked into her.

It was the moment I knew I couldn't quit her.

This problem arose as an issue several times after. Keeping my hands off of her was a fucking struggle within its self. Not to mention there were those few kisses I stole. I ached for her so badly. So constantly. Years before till years after.

But Bella claimed to want her best friend back. If the way she reacted to me Friday night—with equal heat and desire—was a predictor, than she was lying with her feelings. Nothing changed much there with her, always hiding.

I was usually more under control, to not let those actions of intimacy escape me. Maybe there was just some Quileute magic in the air that night. The entire pack felt the static and build up of the full moon.

If Leah hadn't walked in on us…well, let's just say my memory serves purpose and things would have continued with no end in sight.

A bad decision for both of us.

Vanessa was still in the back of my mind.

I confronted Leah immediately after Bella sped off. I was ready to fucking explode…until the next words passed Leah's lips.

"I'm really not into that whole male-dominance thing—it does too much for the ego—but you're my Alpha, Jake. Better you than Sam, but I'm loyal," she paused, knitting her eyebrows together into that familiar scowl, "Wait a minute, no…that's not it. Truth? I don't want to be involved with this shit. I've given you my two-cents on this whole pale-brooding attention seeker time and time again. Yeah, I got some joy outta telling Nessa about when Bella first kissed you. The satisfaction was nothing compared to the bitch fit I had to sit through. So, you don't have to worry about me telling V about this one. That one's on you, bud."

"Yeah? And did you have to go and make those bitch remarks?" My intuition was correct; Bella had been mortified by Leah's annoyingly witty and persistent comments of a past fuck-buddy relationship.

"I've gotta entertain myself somehow," Leah snickered.

I let out a slight growl, eager to let the subject go. I leaned over the counter, burying my face in the callous of my hands that still smelled so distinctly Bella.

Is it possible to drown in someone?

"Things would have been so much fucking easier for all of us if you had just imprinted," she mused dolefully.

I clenched my jaw, "You know as well as I do that that's not gonna happen."

"You sound bitter."

My whole body tensed, "Drop it."

And she did.

I felt so weak from there on out. And yeah, the feeling was far from unfamiliar, but I found myself wondering when in the hell things would start looking up. I was finding optimism in the fact that things couldn't get any worse, that I'd already reached a low so many times that I seemed to be stuck to it, though I could feel a tug of something pulling me up.

Billy once told me how important it was in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions.

I was getting there.

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Ew. Can I tell you how much I hate writing Edward? I'm not bashing his character, I'm just bashing my lack of knowhow and how sucky toying with this was. I lacked some serious motivation for this chapter. Hope you're all pleased with it & the POV change. I promise to make next chapter longer! More things regarding Vanessa will be discussed and explained. Hint hint; there's also more to the imprinting thing, if you caught onto that._

_Of course there are still some unanswered questions with the whole Bella/Edward thing. Some of which is left to your interpretation. Have any questions? PM me! There will be another sort of flashback like this sometime in the nearing chapters of a time when Bella's living on her own. That might clear up some questions, too. If you can't wait and want an answer, ask!_

_Follow me on twitter! I tend to always release some sort of sneak peek or spoiler of the next chapters. (link is on my profile!)_

_I got an incredible amount of love/feedback for last chapter. Thanks so much! :D _


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N: Uhh, I wrote Jacob's POV with a purpose. I only included what I did for a reason, leaving out other criteria for a purpose. You were all meant to get insight to the whole 'imprinting' thing & a feel of what he's going through, and _that's it_. Yes, I realize I left out a lot haha. Now…back to Bella's perspective. Wooo. _

_Due to what you guys have been saying reviews; I hope I've surprised you with my take on imprinting in this chapter._

_

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Ch. 16 "Imprinting Tale"

The following day was set up to be a recipe for grumpiness.

Now looking back, I couldn't remember if Jake had given me a reaction to my slightly sentimental/exhausted 'I love you'. Either he _meant_ not to reply, he hadn't heard me, or I had fallen asleep against his back too soon to hear a reply. (I was sure it was the first and the latter.)

But I meant it. I started loving him a long time ago. And yes, I was painfully aware that love comes in different capacities and passions, but the more I tried to break down what kind of love I have for Jacob Black exactly, the more it would scare me. So I decided to settle with _loving _him, like the way I loved Renee and Charlie; with no second guessing, as easy as breathing.

The last I remembered of that evening was dawn settling comfortably when Jake woke me up to face the white house of Charlie's after our travel back from Second Beach to Forks.

He walked me up to the door, keeping a hand at my back while looking beautifully pensive.

"Thanks for tonight." I barely whispered the words, but I had to break the formidable silence as we both stood there, inches apart facing each other. And I really was thankful.

In light of everything, I was beginning to finally understand this new Jacob more. All the same, he was still _my_ Jacob. It was a warming conclusion to come to.

He offered me a nod and that certain _Jacob_ smile.

I waited for him to say something. Although I could have collapsed into a slumber any moment then, the want to stay with Jake outweighed the feeling.

"So…best friends?" he asked gently to clarify my previous request, rubbing the backs of his fingers across the pink of my chilled cheek. "Or something?"

I found myself leaning towards him, securing my arms around his waist and purposefully posing my ear above the angelic tone of his heart beat. I then found myself wishing that with this hug, I could take all his pain away.

I kissed the spot above his heart. "Let's just be us, okay?" I whispered, wanting whatever came with 'us'. Or, at least, my half unconscious self did.

I pulled back to find his eyes, squinting.

Jacob ducked his head to my level, securing one of his hands on my hip. He moved forward, looking like he was going to further blur the lines by kissing me. I was too tired to mentally react. But physically—darn my physical reactions—I was completely yielding and arching into him as my heart sped up with a nervous anticipation.

Right as my eye lashes fluttered closed and I could the taste and smell of his evergreen breath, his lips connected with the skin of my forehead as his fingers tickled the skin under my shirt at my hip.

I felt a slight smirk of disappointment.

"Sure, sure," he breathed, chuckling out some amusement at my reaction, "'Night, honey."

I glowered. "It's morning, silly," I called out after him as he trotted away, feeling a bit more light-hearted to tease about the light in the horizon.

Jake turned back to offer me a butterfly-inducing smile and an exaggerated eye roll before mumbling "Get inside before you pass out" and then taking off.

After that, everything went black.

I only managed five hours of sleep until Renee was shaking me in an attempt to pull me from my deep and dreamless sleep. She was eager to take a trip into Port Angeles and help me search for an apartment.

"I did some research online while you were sleeping," Renee eyed me mischievously. "I can't believe you slept until eleven, baby. You've never slept past eight in your life! You've always been such an early bird. Charlie and I had to fend for ourselves for breakfast..."

I shrugged, trying to play off the idea that yes, I had been up all night due to sneaking out with my wolf boy/best friend (or slightly more). I was sure Renee would be thrilled with the news, and even more so if she found it had been Jacob who whisked me away on a motorcycle.

"Anyways, I found three places in Port Angeles that look cheap enough, but not sketchy cheap. I can't have my baby living near danger! Ali told Charlie to tell you to remember to check out Seaside Apartments and Vista Blue Apartments. So…we've got five places to track down. Up and at 'em, sister!"

* * *

"Hmph," Charlie grumbled, shrugging out of his uniform jacket. "I still don't want you to move out, kid. There's no rush."

"My job is the rush, dad," I reminded. "I'll be back every Sunday and Monday, those are my two days off. Just wait, you'll get sick of me."

He snorted a chuckle at the idea, "What I won't get sick of is your cookin'! What's on the menu tonight?"

"Take out," Renee chimed in, producing two bags of Chinese food from the fridge that we had picked up on our way home from Port Angeles—I lacked all energy to even think about cooking—and placing it on the table.

"So, tell me about this apartment you found today, Bells."

"Well, it's pretty small and quaint…nothing spectacular. A nice sized kitchen, a living room and a bedroom and bathroom. I'll have to thank Ali for telling me about the Seaside Villas, they were having sales for renting. It's right along the beach on the outskirts of town, close to Barnes and Noble and PCC. It's perfect, actually. Homey."

"Not to mention there's a pool and hot tub just down the street from her room, and a mall down the street." Renee added, which was more her pleasure than mine.

It was when the three of us were settling down for dinner that the doorbell rang.

"Mind gettin' that, Bells?" Charlie asked with a mouth half full of kung pao chicken.

I bit back the bark of grumpiness, the one that developed due to the five hours of sleep and five hours of apartment hunting. It was all very tumultuous, especially with Renee in tow. All I wanted to do was eat, rest my feet, and possibly get ten hours of shut eye.

I expected to find either Ali or Collin—maybe both—on the door step. Then I realized…if it was them, they would have simply walked on in. I began tugging at my lower lip, pausing at the door and trying to not fight the slight bit of hope that it could be Jacob standing out on those steps.

As I opened the door, I came face to face with a clearly anxious and uncomfortable looking Vanessa, who was twiddling her thumbs and scrunching her nose up in ponder.

Her nerves were infectious. I was hit with them instantly.

"Hi, Bella," her voice sounded friendlier than it ever had. She even offered me a tiny smile.

"Hello," I replied a bit too politely and then proceeded to scan the rest of the driveway for any sign of Collin and Ali. It couldn't be just her here, could it? What had I done now?

I blushed like a schoolgirl at the memory of the kiss between Jacob and me only a few nights ago.

Oh. Right.

"Do you mind if we…um…talk about some things?"

I searched her eyes for any sign of anger that would soon be released on me (who knew if she was a secret, conniving liar?). I found nothing.

Was she making a genuine, honest attempt to be my friend? I couldn't be certain. But I would go along with it, for the sake of making things easier for Jacob.

"Sure. We're in the middle of dinner…there's plenty to go around if you'd like to join us. We can talk after?" I mentally gave myself a pat on the back and an A for effort. No one can say I never tried.

"Okay," she replied, appearing shyer than I'd ever witnessed before. Shy like my usual state of being.

Charlie and Renee both greeted her warmly, neither shocked at her arrival unlike I had been. I eyed my mother curiously, wondering just how much she knew about the situation between us.

"Have you talked to you mother today, Ness?" Charlie asked, this time without food in his mouth.

"Mmmhm. She called in about three hours ago and talked to both Collin and I. She should be home soon."

"Good, good."

"Where is Ali?" I asked in a forced manner. Charlie seemed to be getting a thrill out of seeing us sitting next to each other, scowls and tension absent.

"Pullman for business," he replied, stabbing his fork into the orange chicken.

"And where's Collin?" Renee inquired, taking a sip of her wine. "Your brother gets bigger every time I see him! He's such a cutie-pie."

"He's out running patr-" Vanessa cut herself off, realizing her mistake. "He's out…er…running. Jogging."

Charlie stood, placing his empty plate on the counter and grabbing a beer as if to distract from her slip up. "Nessa, you're welcome to stay as you'd like, hun," he reminded her with curt nod of his head before making his way into the living room.

I stood awkwardly soon after, beginning to clear the table when Renee stopped me. "I'll do these. It looks like a nice night out…why don't you girls head out onto the porch and talk?" she smiled knowingly.

So that's where Vanessa and I found ourselves a few minutes later; seated out on the chairs in the cool night air, trying to ignore the tension. I ran out of cuticles to pick.

"I came here to apologize…but first I think I should explain some things that might better your understanding of my relationship with Jacob."

I nodded to give her my okay.

"I'm assuming Jake…or someone…told you about imprinting?" she asked.

I nodded once again, this time with more hesitance. What was she getting at?

"What all were you told?"

My throat felt squeezed, like I was having an allergic reaction to her words. "Just that it's the pack's way of finding their…soul mate," I stuttered for a moment, the next words falling past my lips though I fought to keep them in, "Jake…Jake said he didn't imprint on you…?" My eyes winded, wondering if he had been lying to me this whole time.

The feeling in and around my heart produced bile in my throat at the idea.

Vanessa smiled timidly, "No, he didn't."

I tried to not let her see the relief washing over my face.

"Imprinting is sort of…more complex than that little summary you were given. You're probably wondering how I know so much about this even though I'm not a member of the pack," she paused to laugh dryly. "My family is the direct descendent from the first spirit warrior, the chief. Our whole family knows everything about our tribe's history. My mom is part of the elder's council, being the granddaughter of the last chief, so she explained it to me in detail.

She says that for every pack member, past and present, there is an imprint. A female in the Quileute community—sometimes from elsewhere, but that is very rare—is born with the destiny to be an imprint to a certain pack member, to be the one who gives them a litter of pups to carry on the gene. It's destined from birth. It's not the wolf or the person that chooses the imprint, because she's already been chosen by the spirits of our tribe when she is born.

Over time, there has been a pattern; never has a whole pack of our shape shifters imprinted even though there is an imprint out there for each of them. Billy calls it 'inactivity' and 'activity'. He claims that only some imprints are active, the others inactivated. Something nature controls. Say, if there are no vampires in town, then the imprints are inactivated. Or, maybe a certain wolf doesn't need his imprint or the imprint doesn't need him, she's inactivated. There's also the idea that the imprint could have possibly died young—before the man has first phased—so he will not imprint, or the imprint has moved away and the two will never see each other, etcetera. Catch my drift?

It's all a matter of nature and circumstance. Anyways, the way an imprint happens is also complex. It's the wolf that imprints, and it's the person who gets the feelings of love for their imprint. All the members of the pack who have imprinted explain it as their center of gravity changing to that girl, everything around them freezing. They feel that whole 'love at first sight' thing except with far more influence. There's also this…smell the imprint gives off. Yeah, it sounds kinda gross…but that's what they all say. Apparently while the imprint is happening, the pack member smells something resembling burnt firewood and cinder. No one has figured out what it could possibly mean, but it's a reoccurring theme. My mom just figures it's a way of tying the pack member to their imprint's distinct scent."

I blinked, my tired mind suddenly feeling over capacitated with information.

"Now to point of this all. I was there the day Collin phased for the first time, almost a year ago. I had no clue about werewolves and shape shifters before then. Charlie was with me since my mom was out of town. We were both pretty much stunned and scared shitless," she chuckled at the memory as I recalled Charlie having told me this before. "So…Jacob, Leah and Sam all show up in our backyard where Collin was phased, running around in circles as they tried to appease him. He was so scared. That was the first time I had ever seen Jake. Well…it was the first time I saw him in wolf form and then as a human. Same with Sam. I've been friends with Leah since birth.

Apparently, that first day Jake saw me, he got that…burnt firewood and cinder smell that the others experienced when they imprinted. But he didn't imprint. Sam and Leah agree they would have felt it through him if it happened since they were both phased too, plus Sam knows what it feels like. Jake just carried on, having no idea. Everyone thought he was lying at first, that he had somehow fought the imprint. But there was never any imprint feeling…he didn't even talk to me that day. He didn't feel anything, neither did I. Well, except fear. It wasn't until later that evening that Sam explained to him about that smell, what it meant. No one could figure out what was going on…what it meant. So Jake and Sam called a meeting with the elders. I, on the other hand, was still recovering from seeing my brother phase into a gigantic wolf…so I had no clue what was going on.

It wasn't until Jake approached me a few weeks later that we became friends. By then my mom had told me pretty much everything, even imprinting. For what it's worth, I never felt any pull or anything that day towards Jake when he smelt that burnt scent associated with imprinting. After a few months he told me about that day. He told me that the elders were certain he was meant to imprint on me, him being the alpha and me being a descendent from a chief, but the most we were was friends. I mean, he's very attractive and nice to look at, but the whole pack is…I never had any interest, and neither did he. I could tell it was bothering him though, what it meant.

It began to bother me too, only because I couldn't figure out why it didn't happen. I never liked the idea of imprinting in the first place anyways; that's something me and Jake see eye to eye on. It was a month later that I found out why exactly he hadn't imprinted on me, like he should have. You see, the whole purpose of imprinting is for reproduction. That's the basis of it, love comes second. And like I said, an imprint isn't determined throughout life or changed, it is birthed; that specific woman could die, could move, could end up being infertile….

When I found out that I was infertile, it explained everything. It has to do with some hormonal disturbances…and I'm not completely sterile, but it wouldn't exactly be easy to reproduce and give him what his wolf needs, what an imprint is created for. That's why he smelt the burnt cinder, but his gravity didn't shift that day. His wolf must have sensed it…or I must have been inactivated as is imprint because of what I couldn't offer him.

So we just remained friends for awhile. It wasn't until four months ago that we decided to further things. Sure, I care about him…I even love him, but we aren't _in_ love with each other. We sort of have the same personality and agree on a lot of things. It's easy to be around each other. I told him that I just want him to be happy, with whatever he decides with you. And I'll agree to it—he'll hopefully always remain my friend either way, we've grown really close because of the imprinting thing. And I'm telling _you_ all of this not to make you pity me or fell bad. I'm telling you for the sake of Jake, and for you to better understand where I was coming from all along.

I was sort of hoping to scare you off in the beginning. Jake…well, he told me all about you, and I was there with him throughout most of his struggle with the things he got sucked into after he thought you were…dead. I'm sorry about all the things I said to you, I really am. I realized that I can't fight other people's battles, that this is for you two to figure out for me not to get involved with. I can be very persistent and thick headed, though," Vanessa chuckled, looking warm and like a complete different person than I had ever seen.

Before I could gather my thoughts, I was suddenly—in an uncharacteristic manner—wrapping my arms around my soon to be stepsister's shoulders and hugging her tightly. She returned the gesture while letting out a sigh, "Only Leah, Sam, Jacob and my mom know about my…condition…so…?"

"Oh! I would never tell anyone. You have my word." I pulled back, wiping the tears at the corner of my eyes at her struggle, "And…and I want you to know that I all I want is Jacob's happiness too, with whatever he decides. I never meant to come between you two. I'm—I'm really glad you told me all of this. Thank you."

"Well, thank you for not ripping my head off for all the rude things I've said to you. I can be a real bitch sometimes—I got that from Leah."

"I don't blame you. I would have done the exact same thing," I assured, pulling back from her with a smile of my own.

"I hope that we can be friends, no matter what the outcome is with Jacob?"

"I would like that. The only girl around here willing to be my friend is Claire. And her favorite things to talk about are ponies and Quil," I let out a slight laugh which Vanessa joined in on.

"I can promise that my thought process ranges a bit wider than that."

We both laughed softly yet again amidst the crickets in the evening air.

"I should get home—work in the morning," Vanessa frowned, standing. "Thanks for…um, listening. I'm sure both of our parents will be thrilled to know that we're on speaking terms."

"I'm sure they'll be elated," I agreed, knowing very well just how proud Charlie would be. "Say hi to Collin for me."

Vanessa nodded, embraced me in another hug, and then retreated to her own beat up truck.

I headed back inside, passing the foyer to peak my head in on a snoring Charlie sprawled out on the couch and a silent Renee sitting on his recliner, her nose tucked in a book.

If only this was a scene I could look in on every day.

Although I loved Phil and was beginning to love Ali, home would always be with my two parents together, like this.

After showering and tucking myself into bed, I found myself unable to sleep despite how my body ached uncomfortably with tiredness. My mind was on repeat, filled with too much to think about which caused this tickle of self-awareness. I began to piece things together; like the way Jake sneered that afternoon in his car when I asked him about imprinting on Vanessa, like the way Embry thought that the reason Jake hated imprinting was because he didn't imprint on me, when he really had no idea that it must be because he didn't imprint on Vanessa, who he was destined for.

I wondered if he wished he would have imprinted on her. He must have. He certainly must have. Everything could have been cured for him.

Seconds later I had my cell phone pressed to my ear, Jake's number dialed on the tone, with no real reason to talk to him other than to hear his voice.

"Hey, honey," Jake answered in a husky octave after the fourth ring.

"Hi, Jake," I replied with a content sigh of his name, my voice a bit more groggy. My eyes widened as I looked towards the nearest clock; 11:12, "Shoot. Did I wake you? I'm sorry!"

He chuckled. "S'okay. I love hearing your voice," he whispered the last part. "Can't sleep?"

"No," I muttered in frustration. "I won't make you miserable with me. I'll let you go..."

"What's on your mind?" he asked concerned, disregarding my offer of hanging up.

What wasn't on my mind? From imprinting, to guilt, to Jake and Vanessa, to love, to Edward, to decisions…there wasn't much left out.

"Bells?"

"What? Oh, sorry…I must have spaced out." I cleared my throat, "I, um, talked to Vanessa tonight. She stopped by, actually."

There was a swell of silence. I could still hear his breathing. If I closed my eyes I could imagine he was laying right next to me.

"Yeah?" was all he replied with.

"Mmmhm. She told me…about…the imprinting and…everything..."

This time he didn't reply.

"I'm sorry." I whispered heartfelt.

"Don't be, honey."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'd rather we talk about this in person."

"Okay…well, what are you doing tomorrow night?" I asked a bit sheepishly, deciding to divulge in a plan of action I had been considering over the past month.

"Mm…I work until five. Why?"

"Well…I sort of was wondering if you'd…y'know, do me a favor?"

"What kind of favor?" he asked with a bit too much of a rasp and innuendo, enough to create an ache somewhere south of me.

My cheeks warmed. "If you're up for it, my jeep is in desperate need of an oil change and I know you said you don't work on cars anymore but I think you should again because it was so important to you and I thought maybe you could start back up again with my car?"

It all came out in a nervous rush.

"If you're up for it," I clarified (and challenged).

I counted thirteen seconds until Jake replied, "Meet me at my old garage tomorrow at six?"

I smiled so wide my cheeks began to protest with the amount of guttural excitement. "See you then," I managed to reply after controlling the shrill in my voice that he would only laugh/make fun at.

"See you then," he agreed.

"'Night, Jake. Sorry for waking you."

"Goodnight, Bells."

Although we were both reluctant to hang up, I did first, having the satiation to now find a peaceful sleep.

I dreamed of puppies.

* * *

There was something painfully nostalgic—a something in which stung like the acidic feeling of heart burn—when I pulled up to the Black's little red house on the rez the next evening.

The nostalgia part was in the way that right after I had parked my car and shrugged out of my seatbelt, I was being pulled instantly into warm arms and a familiar embrace, like so many times before. It was in the way that I was driving down to Jake's garage for him to have a look at my car, like so many times before.

The circumstances we were in (the part that created the burn in my chest) was the one thing reminding me that _this_ wasn't us anymore. That we weren't the same Jake and Bells who wasted away their every afternoon in a garage, and who didn't need anything else besides it.

It was scary and exciting to return to the root of where a beginning for us was created.

More so, it was humbling.

"Hey, Bells."

"Hi."

We both smiled dimly at each other, the same feeling of remembrance passing between us. And though I had been back here twice since my return—once to see Billy, another to help Jake paint—there was something a bit more overbearing about this certain situation.

"Head on in there so you don't get soaked, alright? I'll drive your jeep in."

I didn't realize it was raining until Jake pointed it out. I could faintly make out the drizzle of rain practically vaporizing around him.

"Sure, sure." Butterflies began flapping against my abdomen, which greatly felt more like sparrows.

Walking into the garage was all it took for my eyes to well up under the pressure of a weighted flock of memories. In my mind's eye I could see a young girl sitting on a stack of milk crates with dark circles noticeable beneath her sunken eyes and hollowed cheekbones. Next to her is sitting a young boy, who's wondering how exactly it's possible to fix a broken part inside of a thousand pound ton of metal, but not in the beauty of the girl next to him. Somehow he manages to figure it out.

I blinked away the fuzz of a memory and the blur of the tears. Everything was still the same within the garage (apart from its two occupants). From the milk crates, to the work table, to the work bench, to the Maxim posters, to the oil stained concrete floor, to the smell of sweet pine.

It was exactly the way I remembered it.

Which is odd. Because it now looks so abandoned.

A few minutes later Jake was popping the hood of my '99 jeep Cherokee while winking at me. He began whistling a tune that suddenly winded down when his eyes landed on _something_ inside the car that startled him.

I rushed to his side, peeking around one of his arms and holding onto it for support. "What's wrong?" I asked like someone had been injured.

"What's wrong is that this is a piece of shit."

I found myself frowning. "Don't be rude to Bill. He's gotten me very far."

"Bill? You named your jeep Bill? Have I taught you nothing?"

"I named him after the town I bought him in. Billings, Montana. Billings; Bill. It seemed fitting."

"Yeah, for an old man's car..." I heard Jake mutter under his breath.

I lightly smacked his arm in offense although secretly agreeing that the name was something unoriginal in contender to 'the Rabbit'.

"Sooo…is it repairable, Doc?" Now I'm just teasing him with sarcasm.

I watched as Jake's lips twitched, as if he was suppressing some sort of natural response but instead holding it back. I then slowly witnessed Jake's face fall. At first I feared that this may be it for me and old Bill, but by the way Jake was bowing his head, furrowing his eyebrows and appearing painstakingly vulnerable, something else was on his mind.

I had an inkling of what it may be.

"Hey," I whispered, my voice understanding as I tugged at one of his hands, trying to get his attention and find his eyes. "Hey? Jake? Talk to me..."

When his eyes met mine I gasped under the sight of hopelessness and fear.

"What if…? What if I…? Shit..." Jacob muttered harshly, the muscles along his neck and jaw twitching as he pushed a hand through his hair.

I let out a shaky breath, realization dawning on me. "You've really never…worked on a car…after…?" I breathed out each word raggedly, remembering that afternoon in his car when he told me he stopped working on cars two years ago, because of what it reminded him of. I had a hopeless feeling that maybe he was lying.

"No. It was too much. It hurt too much, Bella. I couldn't. Even if I tried…I'd end up…_bad_."

There were a few minutes of silence as I pieced his worry together. Originally, when I had orchestrated this whole idea of working on my car, it was simply to get Jake back to doing what he loves. Never did I imagine that he would actually…_doubt_ himself.

"You think…you think you've forgotten how to…?" I inquired softly, hating to even think I was the cause of that.

Jake closed his eyes, inhaled sharply, and nodded.

"You couldn't possibly have forgotten something like this, Jake. You've done it your whole life…it's like riding a bike or tying your shoes. There's nothing to be scared of. You love doing this. Nothing's stopping you. Try…for yourself."

There was a fiery glance in Jake's eyes when they opened and immediately sought mine. It burned through into a cinder and then a faint smile highlighted his features. He was trusting me. He was trusting himself. Jake brought our joined hands up to his mouth, where he brushed his lips along each of my knuckles followed by his thumb rubbing over them.

"Thanks honey."

"Anytime," I replied a bit breathlessly.

For the next thirty minutes I watched him work in silence. And just as the half an hour mark rolled around and Jake's hesitation slipped into memory, I noticed a familiar look on his face; the one with his lips pursed thoughtfully and brows scrunched together in contemplation. It was the look he used to wear, back when the Rabbit was in the works. Back when so was I.

He looked _comfortable_.

I lost track of time as a result of my mind wandering. It hurt to remember that the only reason I ever came to Jake two years ago was for him to repair a motorcycle for me to use recklessly, as my way of using an adrenalin rush to hear Edward.

I came to him with no hope or intentions of finding a unique solace and comfort. And though I couldn't figure it out back then, it was only a month ago when he was on my doorstep for the first time in two years that I came to the conclusion that Jacob Black is healing. Maybe he could use that power on himself now.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?" I blinked warily, realizing it must have appeared as if I had been day dreaming.

"I'm all finished. I checked the brakes and tire rotation, too. You're good on both for awhile," he gave me a half smile which I returned. He made his way over to my side, a towel in his hands used to wipe off the oil and grime coating his shirt and arms. He sat down at my side, looking euphoric.

"You cut your hair," I noted, running one of my hands through the short spikes of his thick hair to scratch my nails along his scalp. He leaned into my touch, his adam's apple bobbing.

"Mmm…" was all he replied with.

"I like it."

Jacob caught my hand in his hair to bring it around to his lips, where he placed a kiss to my palm and then intertwined our fingers in his lap.

"I thought you liked it longer?"

"Shorter is growing on me, too."

We listened in silence as the rain collided with the steel of the rooftop.

My skin was beginning to crawl with a comforting warmth. "So…do you think you'll start working on cars again?"

"I don't know, honey. My dad wants me to clean this place out soon…so I won't have anywhere to work. Plus, I don't really have the time," he mused sadly, leaning his head back against the wall so that his eyes could close.

"You seem to have time to spare today," I pointed out since he was here, with me.

"I'll always make time for you."

He left it at and I left it at that, hoping he'd at least consider the idea of cars again.

I chose to talk about something looming, I was sure, in the back of both of our minds. "Do you…want to talk about the imprinting and Vanessa thing?"

Jake sucked at his lower lip, his head lolling to the side to look at me skeptically.

"I'm sorry," I apologized suddenly.

"Why do you keep apologizing, Bella? This isn't your problem."

"I know it's not. But I am sorry. You could have…imprinted, and been happy. Everything would have been so perfect and easy for you..."

His eyes narrowed. "Nothing about that would have been easy," he growled. "I've always hated the idea of imprinting. It would have taken away my choice. I would have fought it and it would have killed me."

"But Vanessa made it seem like you were so…adamant about figuring out why you didn't imprint on her even though you were meant to."

Jake sighed heavily, adjusting his position so that he was facing me. "I couldn't just forget about it. It scared the hell out of me, thinking the next time I'd see her I'd imprint for real. So I stayed away from Nessa as long as I could. But I couldn't forever, and the next time I saw her nothing happened. I had to figure out what it meant, for the sake of _knowing._"

"So…you're not angry about _not_ imprinting?"

"No, Bella. I guess it might seem that way when I talk about it…but it's only because I hate imprinting so goddamn much, not because I had a hit and mess with it. Ness and I are better off."

"Oh," I mumbled, having thought all along that Jacob clearly _had_ wanted to imprint and was in the ruts about it.

"Does this mean you and Ness have sorted things out?"

"We've come to an understanding, yes. We both want you to be happy. And I mean that, Jake. You'll always be my friend first, above anything else. So…just do what makes you happy, okay? I'll be here for as long as you want me."

"How 'bout forever?" he husked.

"Forever is a long time," I whispered brokenly, once having enamored the idea.

"I—" Jake was cut off by a howl ranging from somewhere nearby.

In the next moment I was being pulled to my feet by Jacob, who made sure that I was pressed right uptight against his front.

He buried his face in my neck, "Time's up. I gotta go. Pack things."

"Okay."

"When can I see you again?"

"I'm moving."

Jacob pulled back from me in a flash. I felt his arms around me and his chest in front of me begin to tremble. The look on his face couldn't be mistaken for anything but heartache and despair.

"Your…-?"

"No. I mean yes. To Port Angeles, this weekend," I quickly clarified. "On Saturday. Maybe you can help and carry heavy boxes?"

"Sure, sure," he breathed a sigh of relief, bringing his forehead to mine.

I watched as his eyes trained on my lips, as he tilted his head, as our noses rubbed, as he leaned in...

"Don't."

"Why?" Jake didn't falter or back down. Our proximity remained only centimeters apart.

"I don't want to rush into things. It's barely been two months..."

"_This__ is us_, Bells." He enunciated the first three words.

"Are you still doing _this_ kind of stuff with Vanessa?" The thought was always on my mind.

"No. Not since you've been back. You're all I think about." Jake must have taken his confession as my invitation, because my lips were then soon set on fire.

Our lips moved together in a slow rhythm and with no rush. Jake's tongue slid across my lower lip before he was lightly sucking it. He coated my with lips with a few more tender pecks before pulling away and sliding the keys to my jeep in one of my hands.

"Thank you."

I didn't have to ask what he was thanking me for.

* * *

_A/N: I'm going to try and start posting a chapter a week. I really need to start kicking myself more :(  
Again, I'd like to thank my loyal reviewers! (Newcomers, don't feel shy!)_

_OH! I'd like to give a shout-out to Mommy's Rag Doll who offered to translate this story into Spanish. There's a link on my profile to that. Thanks!_


	17. Chapter 17

Ch. 17 "Strange Terrain"

The week passed deliberately fast. Out of nowhere it was Friday.

The previous two days were spent packing up my room in preparation for my move to the Seaside Villas early Saturday morning. Renee helped with the likes of this, making the transition easier by buying me common necessities for the kitchen and living room while helping me box up my room (luckily the apartment came furnished). In a way, it resulted in being a more natural, less forced way for us to rebuild that bond we once had when I was seventeen, before I sacrificed moving to Forks for her.

The complexity of where my life _could have gone_ if I only stayed in Phoenix awed me. I found myself constantly spacing out and thinking thoroughly about it as the days passed. Three things were for certain: I would never have met Edward, I would have never thought anything more of Jacob other than him being a family friend, and I might not have rebuilt a relationship with Charlie if I hadn't located to the densely populated Forks.

There were a tallied number of ups and downs quoted in my mind, a significance of leading cons.

Renee left early Thursday, displeased that her short four day stay was well…so short.

"Promise you'll come visit for Christmas?" she had begged me at the security check line, wanting "every last second" she could spare with me. And I did, too.

"Promise. Say hi to Phil for me."

"I will. And Bella? My offer still stands, sweetie."

_What offer_? I had tilted my head in confusion/ consideration.

"The one where you come to live with me and Phil and go to school at the University of Florida…to keep your options open."

"Oh. Well, I'll think about it, definitely."

"Great! Love you, honey."

"Love you, mom."

Renee was gone, Charlie was thankful to have his own bed back, and I was starting my job as bookseller/ retailer Bella.

Isaac, my manager, took me through the store at the beginning of my shift Friday, explaining the 'dos' and 'don'ts', the friendly '_Barnes & Noble workplace environment' _and _what to do_ and _how to do it_. He laid down the rules—exuding the same flirtatious behavior as the first time I met him—before leading me towards a girl about my age, with blonde wavy hair and a slender build.

"This is Megan, she'll be training you. I've gotta jet and deal with some stock issues."

"Hi. I'm…Bella. It's nice to meet you."

Megan nodded, smiling timidly before leading me down and aisle of books. "Nice to meet you, too. All right, let's get to work..." She stopped in front of a box of books. "So, first things first…we'll be restocking shelves today and alphabetizing them by the genre and author's last name, and going through section C of all the books and making sure those are all alphabetized for the customer's convenience. If we have time, I'll start training you on the cash register. If not, we'll start on that tomorrow. It takes a lot of practice to get use to."

We began sorting through the non-fiction books first, her instructing which row in which column they belonged.

"So, did you just move here?" Megan asked idly for small talk.

"I'm moving up here tomorrow…but I used to live in Forks."

"Ah, I grew up in Forks." She eyed me with fault. "I don't think I've ever seen you around before?"

"Well…uh…I only lived there for a year when I was eighteen. Then I moved and now I'm…uh, back."

"Huh," she mused, blowing a strand of her blonde hair out of her eyes. "Bella Swan…hey, are you the Chief's daughter?"

I chuckled dryly. It was like being the new kid all over again. "Yeah. That's me."

It was around seven, right after Megan and I had finished restocking and alphabetizing section C—my arms felt like they were going to turn into goo—when I spotted from the upstairs balcony a familiar shaped silhouette entering the store. As instantly as I located him, Jake's eyes landed on me, having placed me in the crowded building without difficulty. Both of our faces lit up with matching wide smiles.

I gave him a shy wave as he made his way towards the escalators. Soon he was in front of me, smiling the _Jacob_ smile and pulling me into him.

I leaned into his chest, using his warmth as a way to relieve the tightened muscles in my body.

"Hey," he murmured affectionately once his arms were around me, holding me.

"Hi," I mumbled into his chest, letting him hold my weight as I tightened my grip around the warmth of his waist. "This is a nice surprise. I don't suppose you're here to buy a book?"

"Nope" he chuckled, stroking my hair. "Tired?"

I shrugged dolefully. "My feet hurt and my arms are sore. You feel like ThermaCare…mmm..."

"It's only your first day, Bells."

"Thanks for the reminder," I groaned, opening my eyes. "I guess I shouldn't complain too much. It's a decent job."

"So…you like it here?"

"Mmmhm. Everyone's sweet and nice. And you know me and books...Can't go wrong there."

"Good. I'm glad. Anyways…I came by to see what time you need me tomorrow?"

"How early can you be there?" I asked, biting the inside of my cheek while feeling a bit guilty for the time I had in mind. I didn't want to inconvenience Jake with the time slot I was seriously debating.

"As early as you need me, honey."

I tilted my chin on his chest as to crane my neck and look up at him. "Well…I have work tomorrow at ten…so, I figure if we start loading up the cars with boxes around six in the morning and leave by seven, it'll give me enough time to get to the apartment, unload and settle before I have to come here. Oh, and Collin offered to help, too. Charlie will be off at work so it will just be us three. Do you think you can bring Embry's truck? All the boxes won't fit in my jeep..."

"Sure, sure. I'll drag Embry along. He misses you."

"I miss him, too." I sighed into Jake's chest, having to force my way out of the warmth and strength of his embrace if I was going to be able to make it through the remaining two hours of my shift stable. He steadied his hands at my waist.

"Thanks for stopping by. It's good to see you."

"It's _always_ good to see you," Jake corrected, smiling a crooked smile. "That's the real reason I stopped by."

I bit my lower lip and ducked my head as to cover the blush tainting my cheeks. "See you tomorrow?"

"Bright and early," he agreed, stroking his thumb across my cheekbone before pivoting on his heel and heading towards the escalators to take him to the first floor.

Megan appeared at my side seconds later, tapping the book scanner rhythmically against her palm. "Is that your boyfriend?" she gapped, her eyes trailing in the direction Jacob took off in.

"He's…my best friend."

"Well…damn. Does he have any brothers?"

"Tons."

* * *

"All right, so…here's the address and the directions, and here's my cell number," I handed Charlie the piece of scratch paper. "Oh, I also have my pepper spray, too. You don't need to worry about me."

"I'll always worry about you, Bells. It's in my nature, being a cop and all." Charlie grumbled, tightening his belt and shrugging into his work jacket. He eyed the directions to my apartment thoroughly. "Hm. Looks like your place is close to Jake and Embry's loft. Good. Those boys can keep an eye on ya."

"I'll be fine, dad. Really. I'm only forty five minutes and a phone call away."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. This is me being over-protective. I'll try to make it up Sunday and check out the place. Work's been pretty damn hectic lately... Wish I could help out this mornin', kid, but I gotta run. You'll be fine?"

"Yep. Jake, Collin, and Embry should be here soon."

"Right. Thank those boys for me. Call me if you have any trouble!" he called from the door as he exited.

With the help of three strong wolf boys, it only took five trips from my room to the cars—each managing to carry three boxes and the occasional plastic tub—before we had finished, cleared my room, and left with extra time in tow.

The same occurred when we arrived in Port Angeles, at my third floor villa. The once desolate apartment—aside from the lackluster furniture—was now crowded with boxes and three 6'7" werewolves.

"Bella! How does IHOP sound? We deserve some carbs after all that moving. Bet you've never seen anyone suck down five plates of pancakes like we can." Embry gestured a lazy hand motion between himself, Collin, and Jake as he sat down at my side, slinging an arm over my shoulders.

My nose scrunched up at the image. "I'll have to take a raincheck." I eyed the clock on the microwave. "I have to get to work in an hour."

"Awwww," Collin groaned, rubbing his stomach.

Shoot. I should have fed them first. "Why don't you guys come over tomorrow? I don't work. I'll make you breakfast and put my new kitchen to the test, see if it's durable enough to handle me."

Embry's eyes shone. "Count me in."

"Ah, my mom's coming home tomorrow morning. I can't," Collin frowned, looking displeased.

"You'll just have to stop by another time then. Thanks for the help today, by the way." I stood from the couch slowly, already feeling the ache in my calves and lower back. I was a bit envious towards the three werewolves in the room at that moment, who seemed completely unaffected by the loads of boxes and furniture they carried up two stories, not like I should've be surprised. (Although it really _wasn't_ loads of anything; I was a light mover, and a complainer, apparently, even though they did most of the work while I instructed.)

"Anytime."

Jake, who had been standing off to the side quietly, gave his two brothers a stern look, one which communicated some sort of cryptic message of understanding command that I caught from the corner of my eye, because they were quickly nodding and turning to face me and say their goodbyes.

"Right. We'll be down at the truck, Jake. Bye, Bella." Embry gave me a quick hug, followed by Collin and a "bye sis" before ushering themselves out the front door.

"Will you come by tomorrow morning?" I inquired with a taste of hope some minutes later, turning to face Jacob.

"I'd never pass up an offer of you cooking, Bells," Jake laughed, walking across the room to meet me and reach for one of my hands. "Maybe we can do something after?" he whispered with a slight hesitance that I easily picked up, like an individualized sonar detector. I was sure he had one for me, too. He placed separate kisses to my fingers.

"Like what?"

"Anything. Relax, hangout…whatever you want."

"Sure. I'd like that." The idea of _just relaxing_ was tempting, but there was the reminder—one to which I internally groaned at—that there would be no relaxing until I was all unpacked and settled in, which sadly wouldn't be accomplished by tomorrow at the rate I was going.

I walked Jake to the door, opening it and using the handle for leverage in one hand as the other was still laced with his. He stared down at our hands, brushing his thumb atop my knuckles. Something was clearly on his mind.

"Thanks for helping..."

"Sure, sure. Call me if you need anything?"

"I will," I whispered in agreement.

Jake began fidgeting, shifting from foot to foot and continually running a hand through his hair, appearing slightly unsure and a bit shy on top of the nerves. It was adorable.

"Can…can I kiss you?" he asked to my genuine surprise, ducking his head and looking at me from behind the thick lashes rimming his eyes, the ones I constantly found myself getting lost in.

_Now he decides to ask_?

There was a lump in my throat blocking any reply from fighting its way out. So I simply nodded, locking my wide eyes onto the golden black depths of his. One of his warm hands familiarly cupped the shape of my cheek. I felt the tension roll in tides off my shoulders as the touch of his lips melted me and my body arched into him. A content humming 'mmm' noise sounded from the back of my throat as our lips began to move with a slow sensuality.

One of us—I wasn't sure who as my brain was hazed with a humid heat—let out a strangled groan as Jake broke away from the connection fusing at our lips.

"Call me after work?" he panted.

I nodded one final time, keeping my eyes closed as I nuzzled into his hand. He placed two more pecks against my lips—the feel of his tongue along my lower lip causing me to shiver—and leaving me with an unanswered desire that I was still having mixed feelings about.

I came to the simple conclusion that _kissing Jacob is_ _nice_, and I would leave it at that.

For now, I would deal with the reality of an eight hour shift ahead of me.

* * *

"Holy shit," Embry moaned once swallowing the food in his mouth. "What is this? It's fucking delicious!" he acclaimed, pointing his fork at said delicacy.

"Swedish blueberry pancakes," I replied with a smile, feeling a touch of satisfaction that both Jake and Embry seemed to be enjoying the high stack of pancakes, scrambled eggs, and toast I spent the morning preparing. I went into a cooking frenzy, a result from those butterflies in my stomach that always appeared at the subject of Jacob.

Cooking helped calm me.

I flicked my gaze to find Jake, who caught my eye and smiled warmly. His free hand settled on my thigh underneath the table, his thumb caressing in circles against the bare skin. At one point throughout the meal I slipped my free hand with his, lacing our fingers.

"How're things with the pack?" I asked sometime later, looking between Embry and Jake, both who were still spooning pancakes into their mouths.

Jake swallowed down his food first and shrugged, "Pretty slow ac—"

"Pretty _fucking boring_," Embry corrected. "Where are all the leeches?" he growled in annoyance while stabbing at his scrambled eggs.

"Jared and Paul are both thinking about stopping phasing. They have their imprints, they have jobs and place to live. They want to move on. There's no reason for them to keep phasing. There's no reason for _any of us_ to keep phasing."

"Leah is two steps away from quitting too, but she just wants to get the hell outta this town and as far away as possible."

"What about the others?"

"Well…Quil will probably stay phased until Claire grows up. Seth, Brady and Collin have no plans of stopping since they're still pretty young..." Jake emphasized, sounding unceremonious while discussing the cause and fall of his pack. I gave a reassuring squeeze to his hand.

"And what about you two?" I inquired meekly before taking my own bite out of the small serving of food on my plate.

"I dunno what I'm gonna do," Embry frowned, sitting back in his chair. "I don't think I can give it up just yet. Plus I hear quitting sucks. At least that's what Sam says. But he's always been a fuckin' complainer."

The conversation died down. Jake didn't place his opinion on the matter.

A few minutes later we stood to clear the dishes.

"So…I think I deserve a thank you. From both of you," Embry pointed out in all seriousness although there was that permanent, sheepish look on his features.

"For what? I'm the one that made the two of you breakfast. _I_ deserve the thank you."

"Thanks, Bells," Jake reiterated on cue, leaning forward to kiss my forehead with a smirk. "You're the best."

"For that! I pretty much formed this love-connection between the two of you." Embry settled his hands on his hips, looking indignant.

I blushed. Jacob laughed. "You're full of shit."

Embry acted appalled. "Believe what you want, but I have the magic touch."

"Yeah? Then why don't you use some of that magic for yourself?"

"You're such a di—"

"I might be able to help you out with that," I interrupted the stare down between the two male egos. "There's this girl Megan that I work with, and she's single. Maybe we can…all hang out…or double…or something? I think you'd like her."

Embry's scowl transitioned into a pleased smirk. "Anddddd…this is why I've always been Team Bella." He swooped me up in his arms, mumbling a 'thanks' and something about 'work' and 'being late'.

He shot Jake a final glare and flipped him the finger before opening the door and making a quick retreat.

"I think he's right. He does deserve a thank you from us."

There was a skeptical look contorting Jake's face as he cocked his head with apprehension and froze in place from where he stood, placing his plate on the counter.

"He at least deserves a thank you from me. Embry's always been very supportive…and _nice_ to me…unlike everyone else. They all seem to hate me..."

Jacob sighed, coming up to brush a strand of hair away from my face. "The pack doesn't hate you, Bells. Quil loves you. So does Collin. Everyone else just…doesn't know you. That's all. They don't hate you, okay? Don't think that, honey."

I pursed my lips thoughtfully, shrugging at the built up and burning tension in my shoulders. "He still deserves a thank you."

"Fine. Then I'll thank him."

"Okay."

I turned to stare down the many plates, pans, cups and bowls sitting stacked in escalation around the sink that went into this morning's meal. A grumpy and peeved groan sounded from me.

_Stupid dishes, stupid always-hungry-werewolves-who-consume-more-food-than-air…_

Jake caught my wrist of the hand that reached out for the first item lined up on the list of metals to clean. He turned me towards him, silencing the tunes of grumpiness in my mind by slamming his lips to mine, by fisting a hand in my hair and biting at my lower lip.

"The dishes can wait," he breathed between kisses.

I nodded my agreement.

His arms wrapped back around my waist, holding me to him as he kissed his way from my lips down to my collarbone, his teeth and tongue provoking a shudder to run through me. My head was thrown back as my hold around his neck tightened. His hands began roaming my body; across my ribs, down my hips…and as one of his arms slid under my butt and his lips found mine again hungrily, I was being lifted into his arms, so that I could wrap my legs around his waist and level with the feel of his lips producing throaty whimpers from me.

My whole body felt like it was melting from the feel of his lips and tongue dominating me. Jacob began walking us blindly in the direction of my room, his fingers digging into my bottom.

We fell onto the queen sized mattress, laying on our sides, our fronts pressed and hands roaming. Jake deepened the kiss, yet slowed the rough and hungry pace of it to something more…meaningful, with equal amounts of love and lust. One of his hands slipped under my shirt, his fingers tickling up my ribs and towards my exposed breast. I froze and stopped his hand, grabbing it and firmly placing it at my hip as to silently communicate my request of boundaries.

He pulled back from the kiss, both of us panting as he trailed his lips along my jaw and then murmuring a dark chuckle. "You were singing a different tune last time," he reminded, his fingers instead trailing across my hipbone and stomach.

"_Last time_ you caught me off guard. Look, if that's all you want than..." I sat up—still out of breath—and pushed out of his embrace as to demonstrate and prove my point (although I was going a bit overboard).

"Bella, honey, I'm just teasing you," Jake explained with a frown, wrapping his arm back around my waist as to tug me into my previous position laying down, pressed against him. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We can keep the boundaries at kissing. But…why are you so scared?" He whispered the last part, sounding hurt at the idea of me being uncomfortable with him. He recovered by kissing my forehead to play it off.

"I'm not scared," I defended with zero integrity, keeping my eyes lowered for the sake of shielding the vulnerability in them since Jake guessed spot on to my feelings. Like always.

"I don't even have to look at you to know you're lying." He lowered his hand to my back, beneath my shirt where his fingers began caressing.

How could I explain what was on my mind to him correctly?

"Do you not trust me?"

I winced at the words and the way Jake sounded so unsure and pained. My eyes forced their way to his to find them hidden behind the furrow of his eyebrows. My thumb began mindlessly rubbing at the crease it folded.

"Of course I do, you big dork." I tried my odds at teasing him as to relieve the tension. It didn't seem to be working as his lips only puckered. So I went with something heart-felt, instead. "Trusting you isn't the problem, Jake. I don't know how to _not_ trust you. It's not a trust problem with you."

"Is Edward the problem than?" he inquired with a bit of venom to his tone, steadying his now narrowing and darkened eyes on mine to gauge my reaction. My _non_-reaction. Did Jake still think I would come undone—have to hold myself together like I did two years ago—at the sound of Edward's name?

I sighed (more huffed). "No, it doesn't have to do with either of you! It has to do with _me_ and _my_ worries, alright?"

I took the muteness that proceeded as a hint to explain. "Relationships can ruin friendships, Jake. They can ruin everything. I don't want anything ruining the friendship we have, because I can't lose you."

"Like you told me a few days ago, let's just be us, okay? We don't need a title or label. You'll always be my best friend, Bells, before anything else. You don't have to worry about that, 'cause I'm not gonna let go of you again."

"Don't you feel like we're rushing into this?"

"Nope, because we're not _rushing into anything_, we're doing what feels natural to _us_." Jake ducked his head, allowing his lips to linger over mine as he breathed out the next words, "Stop over analyzing it. You'll give yourself a brain hemorrhage, and that would be a shame since you've been hospital free for awhile now..."

My giggle was stifled by his full and inviting lips parting mine.

I had lectured myself long and hard over my over-analyzing tactics. It was a trait I seemed unable to crack and rid myself of. Jake was right about that, but that self-awareness didn't account for me being ready to…move things forward to a level of foreign intimacy with him, especially when my head wasn't entirely in the right place to do so. Why was everything so complicated? Or was I just making it that way?

We settled down a few minutes later. The muscles of my stomach felt tight, the heat given off by Jacob created a humid and sweaty discomfort around me. Somehow our positions changed as I discovered I was now laying flat on my back with Jake perched on his side, leaning half way over me, his weight gently pressing me back into the mattress. His hand stayed firmly planted at my hip, not having moved per request aside from pushing up the edge of my shirt for skin on skin contact. The electric feeling of it then led to me wondering how it would feel to have his naked chest pressed against my naked torso...

I focused the fogged depth of my attention on the rise and fall of my chest and Jake's lips caressing my jaw. My nails were scratching lightly at the skin of his arms balancing on either side of me. He pulled back with a heavy lust filled gaze. His hand at my hip ghosted up my side—even risking brushing across the side of my breast—before he settled with stroking my cheek.

"See, I can be good," he smile-grinned down at me.

"Good," I breathed with a thankful coercion, still trapped under a lust-filled Jacob haze and not entirely sure what else to say. Never had I been kissed like this, or been filled with so much igniting passion. The drought inside of me didn't feel so parched. It was an unexplainable feeling. Overwhelming and frightening were the only two adjectives that came to mind.

"Mm…be right back," Jake announced after glancing down at his apparent need pressing into my leg. He stood to retreat to the bathroom, but not before kissing me fully. There was a blush on my cheeks when I realized just how aroused he had gotten…and how equally aroused _I _had gotten.

After regaining my breath and the control I had somehow lost on my body, I rolled onto my side to stare out the blank screen of my window and out into the surrounding neighborhood. The first thing I noticed was the sun.

Edward slipped his way back into my thoughts. Where was he? What was he doing? It had been over two weeks since he last called me—which is now a record, as he used to call me twice a week (I would always let it go to voicemail, but still).

Did he follow me here, like he had done when I left for Montana?

Alice hadn't called or checked in on me recently either...

The bed shifted and I was being encased into two arms, the back of my body fitting wholly into the front of Jake's. The previous thoughts on my mind burned into a cinder from his heat.

I felt the stubble of his chin at my neck. "It feels so good to hold you."

That mundane burning sensation began to gnaw at my throat as I fought back tears with the wake of a familiar memory. The yearning in his voice was distinct, the kind that differentiated his words from sounding relative to the now, the kind that held a deeper meaning than a fleeting contentment.

When I felt myself shuddering, unable to suppress the omnipresent sobs back in my throat by teething at my lower lip, I turned in Jake's embrace, threw my arms around his neck, and burrowed into the hollow under his jaw.

Why did those words sting so badly?

At the sign of the first tears from my eyes falling onto his skin, I felt Jake stiffen. "Bells, oh honey…shhh…don't cry..."

"Sorry…I'm sorry." I fisted my hands in his hair then proceeded to nuzzle into his neck. "These are happy tears, I promise," I hiccupped while clinging to him, as if afraid of a free-fall.

"S'okay." Jake's hands roamed by back, in return pulling me closer.

"I'm just _so happy_ I'm here."

"Happy you're here, in this position? Or happy you're here, in town?" I didn't fight the smile on my lips. Jake never ceased to lighten the mode, to relieve tension and _say all the right things_. The coiling ache inside of me faded under his presence.

"Both," I whispered genuinely, beginning to use the collar of his t-shirt to wipe away the tear tracks on my face and along the gold russet of his neck. "I'm happy that I _chose_ this..."

My eyelids fluttered shut. Jake's ministrations along my back continued, lolling me into a peaceful state. I was floating. "Did you read all of my letters?" I asked in a small voice, my hands lowering from his hair to the naked muscles of his upper arms.

"Mmhm..."

"I remember writing something,"—my mouth suddenly parched—"about…about what you just said. About you. About wanting you to hold me. Is…is that why said just said that…?"

"Yes."

More tears were produced at this. My hold around Jake tightened. Something resembling a whimper sounded from me.

"I re-read them a lot," Jake confessed, his lips against my ear.

"I really wish you wouldn't..."

"Why?"

"Because I'm ashamed of what I wrote. Because I regret writing some things." My memory didn't serve a lot of help—as to decipher something distinct I wrote—but I do remember there being a lot of mentions of both Edward and Jacob, good and bad unadulterated thoughts.

"Don't be ashamed, honey. I understand. They help me to understand."

I nodded solemnly, retreating back to the memory of me writing one of the eleven letters, in which I ached and begged to be held by him, missing the way he made me feel. "Do…do you want to talk about anything I wrote?" I forced myself to ask. "I realize we didn't get to discuss anything after…last time."

"No. Not right now."

I was about to protest, about to admonish and counter that _right now_ is the perfect time for such thing, especially since I was putting myself out there. But Jacob pulling back and tilting my chin so that our eyes locked effectively ceased my complaint.

"I want to ask you something else." Jake searched my eyes thoroughly as I nodded.

"You love me?"

A panic was building within me. "Yes. You're in my heart. I love you." The words came out as a whisper and I hoped the credibility in them sounded as hoarse and honest as they felt inside me.

Jacob's eyes closed at the words. "Then why are you so scared about _us_, Bella?"

"I just told you—"

"No. No. Don't give me the same reasons you gave me earlier. I know there's something deeper than that. I tried to accept them for you, to let it go, but I know there's something else," he cut me off. I could hear the frustration in his voice and see it in his eyes.

I hated that I was causing Jake so much built up turmoil. Why was he even still putting up with me?

The confession fell past my lips before I had anytime to process and perfect it. _Over-analyze it_. "I'm scared because my last relationship didn't turn out so peachy, because you and Edward are so alike, because love is messy and complicated and sometimes really shitty, and it scares me that I'm falling in love with you when I'm not ready, because I don't trust _myself_." I spoke so quickly _I_ was even unsure of what I said.

"What do you mean me and that bloodsucker are _alike_?" Jake growled through gritted teeth, pulling out of my embrace roughly to sit up. That darkness and accost returned to his eyes which plagued disbelief at such a comparison.

"No! I-I didn't mean to say it like that, Jacob," I quickly countered while mentally bashing myself with _this is why I always think before I speak_. "_You two_ aren't alike, but…but the circumstances are. First there's the whole supernatural element…and then there's my feelings…and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with those two things…but it just scares me because it's all so familiar. That's all. That's what's alike." I sat up slowly and scooted closer to Jake's side, a bit indifferent on how to comfort him. I could tell I hit a sore spot. "This is all entirely beside the point," I pointed out at a whisper, staring down into my lap abashedly.

I listened as Jake's labored breathing became controlled, as he sighed thoughtfully and lost himself in his thoughts. I didn't dare risk to say anything more and thankfully right then after Jake spoke up. "So, what you're saying is that…you're afraid we're rushing into things because something more might ruin our friendship, and you're scared of falling in love…with me?"

"Yes, that's a fair summary," I mumbled, still not meeting his eyes. Instead I watched his hands, tracking the moment until he would routinely tilt my chin upwards and find my gaze.

As if in occurrence to my mind, Jake found my chin with one hand and interlaced our fingers in the other. There was a look in his eyes that spoke of security and sureness. "I wish there was some way I could make you see what I see, Bells. But I can't. So I'll just have to wait for you to come to your own conclusions and realize what's in front of you," he sighed, bringing his hand that was once gripping my chin to the back of my neck, beneath my hair. He leaned forward to kiss me tenderly, pouring the qualm of his love into it. "I love you. I'm in love with you. I wish you would let yourself feel how natural it is instead of fighting it off..."

God, I could make such a mess of a good thing.

"I do see that, Jacob. I've always seen _and felt_ that. Just let me process it…let me come to terms with it..."

"Sure, sure," he murmured, offering me a small—with a hint of sadness—smile. He inched his lips closer to mine. "Can I still kiss you while you process it?"

I took initiative and leaned forward the rest of the way until our lips molded. "I don't see why not... It might help," I whispered in between kisses until his tongue found mine. As we broke apart for air, Jake continued his caress along my jaw and then down my neck. The feel of his teeth grazing my skin caused me to hiss.

"What do you wanna do the rest of the day, honey?" Jake whispered suggestively against the skin of my neck, producing the currents of a shiver.

I thought thoroughly about my response. "Mmm…," I scratched at the skin of his neck, "sleep. I want to sleep. But I could settle for a foot rub or back massage." I fought to conceal the smirk on my lips as I fell back onto the mattress, out of his hold.

Jake only chuckled, mumbling something resembling "tease" before flopping down next to me and pulling me into his side so that my head could rest on his chest and curl into him. "I could actually use some sleep…among other things," he teased, sliding an arm behind his head. "I'll think about that foot rub, though." His lips formed into a grin at where they pressed against the top of my head.

"You don't have to go to work?" I yawned as the heat from him only added to an increase in my contentment/ sleepiness.

"Nah. I took the weekend off."

I slipped one of my legs between his, nestling further. "And the pack?"

"They can call me if they need me." His fingers traced along the skin at my back above the hem of my pajama shorts. "Although I don't think I'd answer and have to give up this position..."

"Hmmm…so you're going to spend your whole day with someone who's not only emotional and ridiculously indecisive, but who also wants to spend a perfectly nice and warm day inside sleeping?"

"That's the plan…'slong as that person is you."

"I think Charlie's going to stop by later. Make sure you're gone before then."

"Why? The guy loves me..."

"Yeah, maybe…but I'm his _daughter_ and if he sees you here he might think I moved out so we could…um…do stuff." I couldn't be any more thankful that my face was hidden from Jake's view as my face warmed profusely with a crimson blush.

"'Do stuff'? Bells, you're adorable," Jake snickered, his chest beneath me rumbling. I huffed. "But point taken. I'll just hide in your closet..."

"Your hid." I relaxed back into him, eager to find sleep.

"Yeah, yeah. But you're worth it. Besides, Charlie's not so tough out of uniform..."

* * *

_A/N: __Thanks for all the reviews and kind words! This chapter was not only filler, but it was a hefty, annoying struggle for some reason *grumbles*. Writer's block does evil things… but I'd love to hear what you guys think is in store in the next couple chapters. Is Edward back in town? Might there be possible lemons? Any thoughts/hopes?(;_

_Is anyone good at making banners?_


	18. Chapter 18

Ch. 18 "Compendium"

"You can't be serious."

I half frowned and shrugged my shoulders with a _yes I am serious_. "Completely. Is that a problem?" My headed cocked, daring her to demur.

"Well…no," Megan countered defeat, showing signs of only tepid disapproval. "But usually _going on a date_ includes…I don't know…_going out somewhere_, like to a restaurant, or a movie…or a club?"

"Typically, yes. But I figured we could all use a nice night in to relax. It'll be more…comfortable." _Besides, Jake and I haven't even gone out on our _own_ date yet, _I added mentally.

"And the cooking part? I'm not big on the Susie Homemaker cliché."

"It's not cliché! We're not their housewives welcoming them home from a hard day's work with a casserole." I crossed my arms over my chest defensively. "You said you're pretty good at baking, right?"

"Yep. I can make a mean apple crumble cake."

"Perfect. So I'll cook dinner, you'll make dessert. We'll all eat and…watch a movie or something."

"Hm. Okay. You're right, going out someplace might be all kinds of awkward that has the potential to mentally screw me over. But why do _we_ have to cook? Wouldn't it be more…I don't know, romantic if they cooked?"

"Sure, fine. They can cook…as long as you don't mind eating burnt toast and stale chips. There's also the off-chance that they'll start a fire and then there will be lots of panicking and running and no relaxing..."

"Okay, okay. Point taken. So we'll cook."

"Excellent." I came to discover over the past two weeks that Megan reminded me of…_normalcy_. My friends range didn't stray far from vampire ex-lover's siblings and three of Jake's pack brothers. Having a normal friend whose worries were making it through adolescent youth reminded me of life back before Forks, of all sorts of normalcy I had lost when I dated a vampire and befriended a werewolf, only to end up in the rings of romance with him, as well...

My shifts at work almost coincided with Megan's, from ten to six, except she had Saturday and Sunday off while I had Sunday and Monday off. We spent breaks eating lunch and talking, poking fun at the gossip behind the counters at the subtle Barnes & Noble facility. With the assurance of not only _liking_ Megan as a friend, it made me all the more eager to introduce her to Embry.

"So, tell me more about Embry. Details, woman. I'm going into this blind…literally. I still don't know how you convinced me to go on a _blind date_, something I promised myself I would never agree to."

"With the power of persuasion…and promising to pick up your shift next Monday," I reminded her of my antics in getting her to agree to this double date (that term was relative) as we walked into the convenience store down the street from my apartment so we would pick up groceries for this evening. "Um, well…Embry's…tall, and…buff, I guess, kinda like Jake—the guy who stopped by work last Friday. Black hair, dark skinned, dark eyes…I would say he's got that mysterious thing goin' for him…but not really. He's funny when he doesn't try. Jake says he's sly. But he's nice and very sweet at times."

"Age?"

"They both turned nineteen a few months ago." I frowned at the reminder of having missed three of Jacob's birthdays, the most recent one by two and a half months. There was so much time to make up for...

"What, are they twins?"

"Might as well be," I grumbled.

"I don't usually date younger men."

"They look about twenty five. I wouldn't worry about it."

"Hmph. Well, if he looks anything like this mysterious Jacob of yours, then I'm all game."

After the events of last Sunday, Jake and I fell into an impromptu routine that took place day by day.

He would come over every evening, after our work shifts, after his dealing with the pack, approximately around seven—depending on if he worked late that night. From there we'd scrounge for something to eat (occasionally I would make dinner—if I had enough time before his arrival— or he would bring take out. Other times food was bypassed altogether).

We'd talk about our days, about the children making a mess out of the recently stocked kids section of the store, about contractors backing out of deals, about Jake's swollen thumb he obtained when hammering a nail, his thoughts elsewhere... And no matter what the circumstance or mood, we'd end up on either the couch or my bed, kissing until our lips were chapped, touching until we knew it would be too hard to stop.

It was _always_ too hard to stop.

He would stay until midnight, lying in bed wrapped around me, caressing me to sleep. I preferred it when he woke me before he left, when I would stir at the feeling of him lithely moving out of bed, when his lips on my forehead muted his goodbye, because then I wouldn't have to wake in the morning with the hopes of him still be there, holding me.

Last night was the first time in ten days that Jacob didn't come over. With no set up television, with no connected internet, with no _Jacob_, I was forced to put the finishing touches on my apartment and unpack the three remaining boxes I put off as a certain someone consumed my time. My thoughts. My _air_.

I ended up in bed at eight, re-reading my old copy of _Wuthering Heights_.

I was restless. From eleven to one in the morning I stayed awake, staring at my phone and waiting for him to call with an explanation. My chagrin turned into worry as the hours passed. Did something happen?

Soon after I debated calling him myself. That thought was quickly ridiculed with the idea of coming across clingy and dependent. Jake didn't _have_ to be here. Surely he wasn't bound to.

No one made agreements.

I couldn't help but wonder if I had done something wrong, if he was finally getting…frustrated and tired with me.

I woke up to a text from Jake sent at 3:04 am.

_Something came up with the pack. Didn't want to call and wake you. Love you, Bells. See you tonight._

'_Love you, Bells_.' Even without being around me, having seen my apprehension and weighted self-worry, Jake still knew I would be questioning myself over his absence. Over it meaning _something is wrong with me, our relationship_, to _something came up with the pack, I still love you, please don't get paranoid_.

My insecurities snapped a nasty bark and bite.

Yet aren't normal female _teens-going-into-adulthood_ insecure? Even now I was witnessing Megan, a confident girl by nature (which I had concluded over the past week and a half), show insecurity towards this blind date.

_So. Okay. Insecurity is perfectly fathomable. It's not Bella-defective._

"And you're sure he's okay with this blind date thing?"

"Yes. I think you're the only one freaking out about this. And to be honest, I would be too. But it'll be fine. Now, go get everything you'll need then we'll head back to my place and start cooking, okay?"

The initial process of asking Megan if she'd like to go out on a double date so I could introduce her to a friend of mine was…nerve-wracking, something altogether new for me. She said yes instantly (though I suspected she thought the 'friend' I was planning on setting her up with was Jake. That was later discredited when I awkwardly explained that _alright, okay, he's more than my best friend but the title still stands_.) It was afterwards she began to stress and worry.

Embry was gleeful and expectant. It was the least I could do for him after everything he's done for me, even if I was slightly uncomfortable with the situation.

It was seven thirty by the time Megan and I returned back to my apartment, and seven fifty by the time Jake and Embry arrived.

Introductions went smoothly. Although I wasn't exactly paying that much attention to the interaction between Embry and Megan, as I wrapped myself into Jake's hug and mumbled an exasperated and heady "Missed you."

"Missed you more. Sorry for not calling earlier last night," he replied quickly, kissing the corner of my lips and giving me that look which suggested he would give me a further explanation later.

Soon after I shooed the two out of the kitchen, as they started snacking on the half-cooked dinner, and because I was one hundred percent relying on them to set up the television Charlie brought up for me a few days ago so we could watch a movie after our meal. I wasn't good with these types of gatherings. Jake was the one who suggested a movie. I was scared to see which movie he and Embry picked out for the evening.

Once they were out of earshot range (although they never really were), Megan turned to me with a mystified expression. "He. Is. Hot!" she whispered with enthusiasm.

A gave an agreeing nod.

"Where did you find those two? Chippendales?" she asked like I had hit and struck gold.

"La Push," I replied seriously with a half-shrug, oblivious to her _Chippendales_ comment.

"They're _Quileute_?" she gaped.

I nodded, distractedly placing the ten meat patties (I was estimating Jake and Embry together would eat eight cheeseburgers, four each) into the oven, followed by Ore-Ida frozen fries.

"Aren't they supposed to have long hair? Like, isn't that…a tradition?"

"Mmmhm. But they're…different."

"Are they in a gang?"

I let out a small laugh. "Something like that. Anyways, did you make two crumble cakes?"

"Yeah, just like you asked. Why?"

"Uh…well…they eat _a lot_. So, um, you've been warned."

That point was proven correct when we gathered around the narrow kitchen table and witnessed the two of them suck down their requested medium-rare cheeseburgers.

Megan and I both exchanged dubious glances. I still wasn't used to it.

"So, how long have you three known each other?" Megan's eyes trailed from Embry, Jake, and then to me, asking once the rush of eating settled down.

"Shit, I dunno…," Embry mumbled, "I've known Jake forever. That's how it is on the rez though. Everyone knows everyone."

Jake nodded, taking a gulp from his soda while locking eyes with me. "I've known Bells since we were kids. Our dads are close friends."

"Awwwwe, how cute! I'd love to see pictures of that."

Jake snickered. "She wouldn't even come near me when her dad took her to visit my family, let alone join in on group pictures. The only thing I could get her to do was make mud pies. There might be a picture of that, remind me to ask my dad." He was now talking directly at me, holding a smile before nudging my knee with his under the table.

"I do _not _want to see pictures of that," I protested weakly.

"Why? You were cute as kid. Kinda weird, but cute nonetheless."

"Gee, thanks."

Jake continued to smirk crookedly, and I could tell he was itching to lean across the table and kiss me, as his eyes linger south on my lips. He licked his own lower, full lip as to prove the point.

"Who wants cake?" I sprung from the table and to my feet as to distract—and save myself—from the intimate moment between Jake and me.

"Ahhh, you know what they say…the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Embry grunted approval once his _large_ serving of Megan's apple crumble cake was demolished.

"I wouldn't doubt it."

Embry and Megan trailed off in conversation, both of them flirting shamelessly.

Jake was unsuccessful in hooking up the television, something about the _screwed satellite connection_ and _not having the right cords._ So that was a no-go.

By the time dinner was finished and dishes were cleared—a group effort—it was already nearing nine thirty. I was most impressed on how talkative the two were throughout the night. It turned out the movie wasn't even needed, because soon after we settled on the couch, Embry and Megan suggested they wanted to _leave together, head out on their own_.

I was ninety five percent certain that Embry was doing this not only for himself, but for me and Jake too. As it was awkwardly obvious that we were itching to touch and kiss, a pattern of relativity created between us over the past ten days, but due to my frenzy of PDA, Jake kept our touches friendly. Frustratingly friendly.

"I'll call you," Megan assured, cheesing majorly as I walked the pair out.

"Sure, sure." I turned to Embry, giving him that stern look of _make sure she's safe_ as he walked out into the stairway.

"You got it, Chief."

"I mean it."

Embry scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Go jump your man already. I'll take care of her."

"Thanks. 'Night, Embry."

_Well_, I mused to myself, _that went better than expected_.

"Hmmm." I wandered over to Jake after locking the door, plopping down at his side on the couch and lifting one of his arms so I could snuggle into his side. "So tonight was…fun."

"Mmmhm," Jake agreed, his fingers playing with strands of my hair. "I think Embry likes her."

"I think she likes him, too." I tucked my legs beneath me. "What do you want to do the rest of the night?" When I didn't receive a reply I pulled back to find his face and frowned at what met me. "You look exhausted."

The ugly and blunt dark-rimmed bags underneath Jake's drained eyes were proof enough, even if he wasn't willing to admit it. Jake's own problems, such as this, were always placed at the bottom of his list of issues.

He'd always been the _right_ kind of selfless.

I rubbed my thumb beneath one of his eyes, pursing my lips and wondering how in the hell he manages to take this all on, to be so amazing.

"Yeah," he sighed through a yawn, "guess I am. There's not a lot of time to fit sleep in between work, you, and the pack."

"Well…you said not much has been going on with the pack, can't you take a break from that?"

"Wish I could, honey."

I lowered my hand from his face. "What happened last night?" I asked, remembering the text I woke up to from him.

He rubbed a hand over his eyes, his lips pursing into a grim line. "Some issues came up with the council."

He had that _tone_ in his voice, the one that eluded he clearly did not want to talk about it. "Oh," was all I replied with, having to bite back the urge to pry. I hated seeing Jake so worked up.

I settled with rubbing the arm of his hand laced with mine. Jake's posture next to me was stiff. I leaned up to place butterfly kisses along his locked and clenching jawbone.

After only a few seconds Jake's hand lowered from his eyes and he explained. "The council is…_displeased_…that half of the pack is thinking about quitting. The only reason they didn't put up a fight with Sam is because he has a kid and a wife, but they see no reason for Jared, Paul, Leah and even Embry to stop phasing. They want our lands protected for as long as possible, and they agree the rest of us should serve up to five or seven years."

"Serve?"

"Yep," he sneered. "I already told you that this isn't a lifestyle choice for us, Bella. It's something we're expected of, by our tribe and elders."

"So you've been planning on stopping sometime soon?"

"I…I don't know. There's a lot of thought put into it. I've been weighing the options. But that's the problem, there _aren't_ any options anymore. I hate not having a fucking choice."

"What happens if you disobey them?"

"Disappointment," Jake muttered hoarsely, scratching his chin. "That's at least what they told us last night. I'm gonna try and negotiate something with them, make them rethink. Everyone's pissed. We're meeting up tomorrow."

We sat in silence. My thoughts returned to my prior concern. If Jake was busy with work and the pack, two things he couldn't cut back on to get sleep, then that left the one thing he _could _cut back on. "Maybe…maybe you shouldn't spend so much time with me, at night."

"I don't like the idea of that," Jake growled, pulling me directly onto his lap, leaning so that he could trace his nose and lips along my neck.

"Me either, Jake, but we're both losing sleep. It's not so bad for me, but you're dealing with a lot more. How about during the week you focus on the pack, work, and catching up on sleep, then on the weekends…we can focus on each other, and…and you can stay over."

"Stay over?"

"Yeah," I whispered with a shrug, glancing down to trail my finger along the vein on one of his forearms wrapped around my waist, "if you want to."

"Of course I want to, honey."

I lifted my eyes to find a silent questioning in his. "You would stay late anyways. I figured it would be more convenient if you…slept over, rather than leaving in the middle of the night. That way you won't be so tired." I blushed for whatever unknown, embarrassing reason.

Jake grinned and nipped at my neck. "I never thought I could love the weekends anymore than I already do." He pushed away the shoulder of my shirt to pepper kisses at the skin. I could feel the grip of his fingers digging in at my hips.

"Don't get any ideas, mister."

"Too late," he replied mischievously, lifting me without struggle so that I was straddling the erection growing in his pants as to demonstrate where his ideas wandered to, exactly. "We're gonna put that bed to good use."

My eyes bulged. Jake chuckled then kissed me sweetly. "I can't wait to make love to you, honey."

The tint of a blush on my cheeks grew warmer. "What makes you think I'll let you? I don't think I like this cocky Jake very much..." I spoke through a tightened throat, not sure how else to reply other than sarcastically while my heart did cart wheels and flip flops.

"I can sense how I make you feel. I can smell your arousal. I hear every noise you make when I touch you...," he explained with valid examples, taking this more seriously than I had.

And again I continued to blush. If this kept up, my face would become permanently blotched with crimson stains. "I've never done anything…intimate before, Jacob, but—"

There was a gentle smile on Jake's lips when he pulled back from my neck. "It's okay, we don't have t—."

I continued where he cut me off at. "But I want to…with you."

"Good. I'm so happy to hear you say that, Bells. And there's no rush, I get it." He leaned into kiss me but I pulled away and scooted back on his lap, closer towards his knees. Deciding to be negligent and put my thoughts of _I'm only a virgin and have no idea what I'm doing_ aside, I reached out a tentative hand to touch the bulge in his pants; to grip him through his jeans.

Jake inhaled sharply and stiffened beneath me. His hand flashed out to halt mine. "Bells, baby…what're you doing?"

"I want to…," I trailed off (still blushing, of course), timid about saying _what_ I wanted to do for him in particular. "You always leave here with … and I feel bad. I've never … and I want to try..." Each pause in my sentence was left to the imagination. I was sure he understood my unvoiced request.

"You don't have to—"

I silenced him with a slow kiss, hoping to convey that I wasn't offering this out of pity, but purely out of self-indulgence. "I know. I know I don't have to," I breathed when our lips parted, "but I want to. Let me do this for you..."

The nerves that accompanied the unknown hand in hand plagued a funny feeling of anxiousness and a slice of excitement in the pit of my stomach when Jake's hand on my wrist loosened and he helped me to pop the button and zip down the zipper of his jeans.

He leaned forward to kiss the fabric covering my left breast, causing my nipples to harden at the slightest touch. "Can I return the favor?"

I almost moaned at the sound of the deep husk in his voice. Instead I breathed a shallow and shaky and slightly eccentric "Yes."

The sheer sight and size of him left me frozen, the thoughts of _when did he push down his jeans and boxers down_ escaped my currently shut down brain. _Oh no. Oh no. Oh no_. Panic rose like bile. I had no idea what do. This was exactly why I was scared of moving things forward with him, because it would result in me looking like a stuttering, stammering, aghast, clueless fool. Where was this rational side of me two seconds ago? (My subconscious answered that over the past ten days it was fading beneath the overpowering growing lust for Jake).

A different voice in my head reminded me that _this is Jacob, your Jacob _and that I didn't have to worry with him. I swallowed thickly and forced my wide gaze from the thick length of his erection to the lust filled glow of his eyes. "Show me how."

So he did. Jake grabbed my hand in his, wrapping our fingers around the base of his shaft. A groan parted from his lips instantly when he tightened my grip around the width of him. Rather than watch my hand work him, I was transfixed by the look on Jake's face. His slightly parted lips, closed eyes, eyebrows furrowed as if in deep contemplation, head thrown back and adam's apple bobbing...

Our hands together began to pump him slowly. With the feel of his hard yet impeccably soft member in my hand and the look on Jake's face, my panties became soaked in the next moment and I found _myself_ moaning as my center began to ache for attention. He worked our hands faster along the length of his shaft, and now Jake was the one moaning when he took his thumb in mine, swiping it across his tip.

At point Jake's hand left mine, both of his hands ending up gripping my thighs so tightly that I was sure a mark was left behind. But I didn't care. I was so lost in Jacob. His dick twitched in my hand and hips bucked. He let out a strangled and raspy prayer of "Bells..."

I took that as an encouragement to stroke him faster and add more pressure. My eyes were still glued to his face, completely renewed that I was making him feel this way. It gave me a surge of…_something_.

"Fuck," Jake growled as his dick twitched, reaching for my hand to stop the pace of my movement. His eyes were searching frantically around us for something. "Ugh…baby…I'm gonna—" he paused, his eyes landing on the pile of laundry conveniently dumped at the end of the couch. He snatched a towel, took my hand in his to pick the pace back up together, and not five seconds later was he shooting his seed into the towel held by his other hand, a strangled moan sounding his release.

I sat there stunned, watching Jake pant out the rest of his orgasm as our entwined hands fell from him. His eyes opened to find mine sometime later. He tossed the towel off to the side and caught my mouth hungrily in his. "Damn, honey. I've dreamed of you touching me like that forever..." He tucked himself back inside his pants.

My heart was pounding so violently inside my chest, making me feel an odd sense of light-headedness (and a peak of arousal) at what we—_I_—had just done.

"I love you," Jake whispered, kissing me once again before sweeping me up in his arms and walking down the hall way, towards my room.

"I love you, too," I replied earnestly against his parting lips, because I was entirely unsure of _what else _to even say. "You're beautiful," I murmured as Jake laid me on the bed. The image of his face while climaxing played against my eyelids. There was a faint sense of déjà vu at those words, yet the memory was overshadowed by a blanket of lust for _him_.

"Not nearly as beautiful as you," Jake responded in a rasp, his lips at the skin of my stomach. I blinked my eyes open to see him kneeling above me, my shirt pushed up enough to reveal my abdomen. I bit my lower lip and lifted my hips off the bed and into his hands, inching closer towards his touch that left me quivering.

My whole body was pulsating with an unanswered anticipation, one I would usually be fighting off. And I wanted more. Yet the pace tempered. Jake kissed a sensual pattern up from my navel, showing no signs of an unreleased hunger. I closed my eyes and followed the path of his lips, starting at my hipbones, along the skin above the hem of my pants (the muscles beneath twitched and quivered and I was sure my panties were becoming increasingly wet), then moved up each of my sides, along each rib bone and down the center towards my belly button.

His tongue and teeth drew uneasy whimpers from me. I waited for him to push my shirt up the rest of the way and reveal me; I was becoming impatient with an abashed and growing desire. There was even a flickering thought of taking the damn shirt off myself. I wanted him to touch me there _so badly_.

"_Jacob_…please…," I even begged him to.

Per request his lips trailed north, his hands gripping my sides and his thumbs rubbing circles at my ribs. I moaned at a hopefully arrival. Yet for some reason Jake stopped his pursuit right at my midsection. He kissed a familiar horizontal pattern along that area, and when realization dawned on me with _what exactly_ he was doing and _where he_ was doing it, my eyes welled with painful tears that were too omnipresent to suppress.

He was kissing along my scabbed hole, the one in which imploded at my midsection two years ago when Edward left, when I used to have to hold myself together, _where_ I used to have to hold myself together.

"Jake...," I cried softly. He stopped, resting his cheek against the area and looking up at me. I stroked my hands through his hair, hoping the look in my eyes was enough to tell him how grateful I was for him, how healed I was _because_ of him.

He understood, because the next moment Jake pushed himself up on his hands, kissed me passionately with nothing but love, then helped me out of my shirt and bra while I tugged off his own shirt with more haste for his naked skin. My fingers trailed a blind path down his sinewy muscles of his chest. These actions immediately ceased when Jake's lips suckled my right nipple into the scorching heat of his mouth while his hand palmed my left breast, two of his fingers pinching the hardened nub.

I let out an embarrassingly load moan and squirmed beneath him, tensing at the new feeling.

"Relax, baby," Jake instructed.

And when I did, the heat that flared inside of me felt _so so so_ good. The shyness I was expecting to encompass when my naked chest was seen for the first time was forgotten, but this was _Jacob_ and it was so _natural_ that I just didn't care.

His mouth and lips alternated on each breast, both leaving me panting and throbbing, and once Jake seemed satisfied he kissed his way up my neck and to my ear. "You're beautiful, honey. So much more beautiful." One of his hands settled at my hip, his thumb stroking the skin of my navel beneath the hem of my pajama shorts, waiting for my okay.

The vehement feeling already abiding me was overwhelming. Though my body was willing—begging—my mind reminded me there was no rush; that this was just one step of many to come. So I shook my head with a silent 'no', as the only sound falling past my lips were pants and whimpers; his other hand continuing to knead my breast. This continued for however much longer. It wasn't until Jake's teeth grazed my nipple and caused my hips to buck against his—when I rubbed myself against his thigh parting my legs—that we decided we should settle down.

Jake rolled onto his side, pulling me into his chest and halfway on top of him. There came a sigh of satiation from both of us. My fingers drew lazy circles over the muscles of his stomach, Jake's hands mimicking the movement on my naked back.

"Stay tonight, okay?" I pleaded into the crook of his neck.

His reply was a kiss to my matted, knotted hair.

I dozed off sometime later in a sweaty, hot, _perfect_ contentment.

* * *

"God, he's a heavy a sleeper," I grumbled under my breath the next morning, having woken from the bright morning sun and the sweaty discomfort from lying wrapped around Jacob all night, no clothes on our torsos to block the body heat.

With more force than should have been necessary, I had to pry and peel my way out of Jake's suffocating arms (leaving a spot of drool behind on his chest). And through my frustrated squirming, Jacob managed to stay heavily sedated in sleep. Thankful for this, I quickly threw on his oversized shirt—after the initial shock of finding myself still half naked after a night of bliss—and flopped down on the opposite end of the bed to ride off the flush and sweat on my skin, away from its source.

I needed to invest in a fan if this was going to become routine.

Eventually I wound snuggled back up into Jake's side, not being able to stay away.

Soon after I felt him wake, his stomach muscles responding to the trail of my fingers.

"What time is it?" he croaked in a sleep-rasped voice.

"Almost eleven," I murmured, having lain there with him for a good half an hour, willing him to make up for lost sleep.

"Shit, we need to get ready."

"What? Why?" No. I wanted to stay here the rest of the day, in this position. Shower and clothes optional.

"Pack meeting at one. You're coming."

I groaned, having the urge to stomp my foot, "Oh no no no. You're going solo."

"Bells," Jake pouted, straining so that we were sitting up, facing each other, "please come. We're all gonna try and relax, have some fun and let loose. I hate that you don't feel welcomed. Let me prove you wrong today."

"Fine," I muttered, slumping my shoulders. "You go shower first, I'll make a quick breakfast. But you owe me."

"Owe you what?"

"A day in bed," I smiled, climbing off of him to stand on the floor and stretch. "That was my abolished plan for today." _Which lasted all of thirty minutes_...

Jake's lips puckered into a frown. "Sure, sure." He swung his legs off the side of the bed, pulling me to stand between them with his hands at my hips. "Tomorrow?" he whispered, kissing up my neck.

"Nope. Tomorrow's Monday. We'll have to wait until the weekend, remember?"

"Mmm..."

"Now go shower."

"One thing first."

"Hmmm?"

"I'm gonna need my shirt back," he purred, his eyes raking over me.

* * *

_A/N: This is rated M for a reason people (; This was a half-filler chapter. Some plot movement, some pointless, fluffy fun._

_So…the second half of the plot will come into play at point in the next few chapters. There will be some fluff and relationship growth and all that jazz before that. I'm also estimating this story to conclude around 25-28 chapters (depending on if I end up rambling…Dx ). Let me know what you think? Feedback is LOVE!_


	19. Chapter 19

Ch. 19 "Pack Smack"

_I am easy manipulated._

This thought—revelation—was spurred on not one hour ago when Jake had kissed his way through each of my reoccurring worries of seeing the pack (The Pack. It should be a proper noun), fusing me with bliss as to assure my spot at his side and my manipulated defeat no matter how many times I continued to protest to go.

That was _before_ I had firmly put my foot down and told him straightforward that I would leave his shirt that I was wearing outside the bathroom, as Jake continued to persuade me to take it off in front of him, like last night had forever changed my self-conscious downtrodden.

As we rushed to get ready together that morning—which was something anew, yet something I found myself wishing was more repetitive—Jake explained that we'd be meeting everyone at Second Beach due to its seclusion that First Beach didn't offer since it was the summer season and tourists flocked there "like a pack of wolves".

There was a coated reverence of apprehension I couldn't seem to shake, something other than facing the pack. Throughout the mile-long walk across the gravel, narrow walkway parting the trees and spruce of the wilderness leading towards the secluded beach, my focus was entirely set on pinpointing where this feeling was multiplying from and what its source was.

Somewhere along the line it jumped out at me. It seemed I had been over-thinking simplicity.

"Jake?" I asked begrudged, keeping my eyes lowered to the ground for the sole purpose of watching my footing among the occasional bumps in the dirt, _not_ because I was too much of a wuss to look at him squarely.

"Yeah?" His hand flexed in mind, his voice gentle.

"Is this okay?"

"Is what okay? Your walking? Sure, sure. It's fine. Could hurry it up a bit..." The smirk in his tone was just as voiced as the sarcasm.

In any other circumstance I would have laughed audibly, took a playful swing at his arm, and retorted with a human/werewolf ratio reminder.

I highly debated stopping our walk to talk seriously about what was on my mind. But that would supply greater odds for me having to look at him, when walking up a tilted hill gave me an excuse to keep my head bowed and eyes hidden like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"No, Jacob," I huffed a breath, a sweat breaking from the trek. "Is _this_ okay?" I demonstrated by swinging our locked hands back and forth, much like a child would to their father's hand. He still didn't understand. "You said Vanessa is going to be here. And..." _and I don't want to be rude, I don't want to act like I'm flaunting, I don't want to make a scene and hurt feelings and_ _I especially don't want to make her uncomfortable even though my low level of comfort is enough for a dozen…or two._

Maybe I would have been a bit more inclined with a surge of empowerment _if_ Vanessa hadn't turned out to be a sweet and honest girl at heart. But I wasn't and she had.

"Its fine, Bella," Jake retorted, a gruffness to his words.

My eye roll went unnoticed.

First, him calling me _Bella_ instead of the typical _Bells_ or _Honey_ justified that answer enough. And then on top of that, the answer didn't provide much reassurance. So, once we reached the end of the path and I could hear the crashing and dulling sound of waves ahead, I slipped my hand from his, stuffing both into the back pockets of my jean shorts as to prevent him from taking it again, making up the decision on the touchy matter.

This must have bewildered Jacob, because as I continued through the sand, I didn't feel his heat at my side or that prickly pull towards him. Taking a glance over my shoulder confirmed that he was standing in the same spot motionless, staring after me. I gnawed at my lower lip to somehow distract the guilt with a new pain. I realized I let my frustration go overboard, because if he wasn't making a big deal out of it, then I shouldn't have.

Plus I didn't particularly want to walk to the large coven of wolf pack members and their lovers ahead all by lonesome, as my plan originally was to stay pressed right along Jacob's side discreetly.

In the time it took for me to take two steps backwards, my stubborn mind was made up.

I kept my head up, turning to spot my savior at the edge of the group, closest to me and perched on a log. My pace was intended to quicken; the sand sinking beneath me prevented that. Once I was behind him, I instantly tossed my arms around his neck, my hands covering his eyes, and settled my chin on his head. Due to his height, I barely had to bend down.

"Bella!"

I frowned. "How'd you know it was me?"

"You're the only person 'round here with pale ass arms," he grunted a chuckle, placing his lips to one of my forearms now slung around his neck as I dropped my concealing hands. That bit of affection baffled me. I decided quickly that Collin is practically like my brother and nothing intuitive was meant by it.

"Hmph," was my grumbled reply against his hair.

"Is somebody grumpy?" he teased, his voice twisting like he was talking to a whiny toddler. He titled his head back to get a glimpse at me.

"No."

"Angry?"

"Nope."

"That time of the month?"

"_No_, doofus. I'm actually quite happy now that I'm with my second favorite person."

"Second, huh? Who's your first?"

I grinned, situating myself so that I was now sitting at his empty right side on the log. "That's a top secret 'if I told you I'd have to kill you' kinda thing."

"_Please_. I'd like to see you even try to lay a finger on me." Collin's eyebrows wiggled suggestively as he popped the remaining bit of sandwich in his hands into his mouth.

My eyes roamed the rest of the area, grateful my arrival went unnoticed as planned. Jared, Seth, and Quil were all playing a disorganized game of soccer near the shore, Leah looking as if she was headed to join them, Embry and Paul were digging through one of the three coolers (for food I presumed), and Kim, Rachel, and Vanessa were seated on towels, watching said game of soccer. My gaze landed to Collin's left, on a familiar yet nameless boy.

I nudged Collin's side, instructing for an introduction.

"Oh, right. Brady, this is Bella…Bella, this is Brady."

"Hey."

"Finally I get to meet the woman in question," was Brady's winking response. Collin did me the honor of slapping him upside the head.

"And this is Shay, Brady's girlfriend," Collin finished, mouthing '_whipped'_ to me while pointing to the small girl I had yet to notice at Brady's side, but one look at her face and I knew I had seen her around before.

"Nice to meet you," Shay greeted, her gaze steadying on mine as if she was…_interested in seeing_ something. She looked no older than sixteen. I gravely concluded that she was Brady's imprint.

"So where's mister high and mighty Alpha? Don't tell me he sent you as his speaker," Collin in returned nudged my shoulder, turning his back to the other two.

I did a quick scan of the place, looking eagerly for Jake. Collin's gaze followed until we spotted him approaching the group ahead. All at once their heads swiveled in my direction. I kept my eyes on Jacob, not entirely wanting to stomach the pack's (and Rachel's) reactions to me being there. I wished I could silently communicate with him, make him come to me and do _that thing he does that makes me feel okay._

It was then I realized just how far away Collin and Brady were sitting from the group.

"Why are you sitting so far away back here?" I voiced in a hushed whisper.

Collin mumbled something unintelligible under his breath, gritting his teeth. When he caught the puzzled look on my face he explained slower. "They like to gang up on me and Brady and make fun of us since we're the youngest…I don't know, it pisses us off."

"All of them?" I repeated, fearing Jake was in on this subjectivity.

"Nah. Mostly Paul and Jared. Everyone else goes along with it, except Embry and Jake."

I reached for one of his hands, giving it what I could hope was consoling squeeze. "If it makes you feel any better, they'll probably leave you alone and start focusing on me now that I'm here."

"I wish that wasn't true," he whispered heartfelt, offering me a sad half smile. His eyes distractedly rose to find someone standing behind me, casting a shadowed silhouette. I turned with the high hopes of finding Jacob, knowing he had sensed my distress somehow.

It was Vanessa instead. This was the first time I was ever _okay_ with her presence.

"Hi, Bella," she greeted in that signature, raspy tone of hers before sitting at my side.

"Hey. It's good to see you."

"Yeah, you too. How's the new apartment?"

"It's…great. I'm pretty much all moved in. You and Ali should come up someday? Maybe we can…redo that whole girl's day thing." I laughed at how unconventional that turned out the first time.

"Sometime soon, definitely. I'm leaving in a month for UDub."

"Wow. Congrats."

"Eh, I'm not exactly thrilled to be leaving home, but it's a two hour drive and the closest school. Guess I'll take what I can get..." she trailed off the instant we both caught sight of Jake striding over in our direction.

He squatted down in front of me to become eye level, his hands resting on my knees, over my hands. Something about the gesture made my heart stutter, like he was proving _he was mine_, and _I was his_.

"Hungry?" he asked, showing no signs of trepidation towards my prior appeal of letting go of his hand. That moment passed between us where words and explanations didn't matter, where all he had to do was smile and I understood we were alright.

I shook my head from left to right, giving him that pointed look to remind him that we had just eaten an hour ago. He grinned knowingly.

"Thirsty then?"

"Yeah, a little," I confessed quietly, his hands beginning to warm my upper thighs and reminding me of _other things_ that happened not twelve hours ago.

"I'll go get you something, honey." Jake stood, nodding towards Collin and Brady who gave nods of their own in reply. "Ness, want anything?" he glanced at the girl at my side, a smile still on his face. It seemed _wrong_ for there to never be one on his lips, like a perpetually imbalanced equilibrium.

"Nah…unless you find a pound of chocolate in one of those things, then I call dibs."

"You and your chocolate..." He shook his head mockingly.

Jake returned only a few seconds later, jogging to the coolers and back, then plopping down in front of me and leaning back against my knees. He had one soda in his hands, for us to jointly share, and two sandwiches in the other that I estimated would be devoured in thirty seconds (if he takes his time).

I began counting to prove my theory, because I _was_ mildly curious. During the process of _one-Mississippi two-Mississippi_ I lifted a hand to mindlessly begin running it through the shirt spikes of his hair, my nails lightly scrapping at the scalp and the skin at the back of his neck. I lost count somewhere in the -_teens_ the instant I passed Jake our shared soda and his head tilted and lips brushed against the skin on the inside of my wrist, something that created a current of tingly shivers from that point up, something which also became repetitive until the Cherry Coke can was empty.

At some point the remaining members of the pack formed an oval shaped circle in front of us, one by one. Somehow a conversation was started.

"I say 'screw it'."

"Yeah! Screw them all. We can do what we want."

"They should be thanking us! Kissing our asses and bowing at our fucking feet."

"Why do I even have to be here? Not like I'm gonna have to deal with any of this shit the council is creating."

"Maybe we should listen to them..."

"Pussy."

"Shut up, Paul!"

"This should be our decision."

In an odd way the blurring of words made me question if this is how it felt to share thoughts as a pack, as if penetrated with a loud white noise ringing like a cricket's unceremonious harmony all at ounce.

"Alright, everyone shut up!" Jake growled out an order that cued a stretched silence. "Arguing like this is only gonna make it worse. Let's talk about this…so chill out, alright? We'll figure this out."

"I think you should talk to them, Jake. Explain that it's just Paul, Jared, and Leah who want to stop and that there will still be six of us patrolling. They overreacted last week," Seth claimed, leaning forward against his knees.

"And what happens when me and Jake want to quit? When the rest of us do? The problem isn't letting just you three stop, it's them thinking they can control our decisions," Embry pointed out. "Maybe we can all wait it out another year, see if there's any more leeches. Hopefully we'll get lucky and none will show up and the council will be convinced there's nothing we need to defend our lands from. That's the real problem."

"Yeah, I agree."

"Me too!"

"No, that's not the problem," Paul hissed, standing to lock eyes with me.

"Then what is?" Leah asked in an annoyed tone that suggested all of this was bullshit. I noticed she was sipping on a metal, sun-reflecting flask.

"It's sitting right here, in front of us," he finished, his lips pulling back in a sneer as he continued to stare down at me, everyone else's gaze following course.

Soon Paul's eyes dragged south to Jake, now talking directly towards him. "The more you drag _her_ around the more likely leeches will pop up. Who knows if the Cullens plan on coming back because of her, or if there's some other fucking sadistic bloodsucker coming after her that makes _us_ obligated to protect her lousy life and continue phasing. She only brings fucking danger. She's _the problem_. How do you not see that?"

"What the fuck, Paul?" Embry stood to his feet not a second later, a look of incredulity twisting his face.

Before Paul could retort, Jared stood up to defend him. "No, he's right. We would've never had to deal with that redhead if it wasn't for her. We wouldn't even be in this situation because we would've been leech free!"

Like a ticking clock, I could see the wheels clicking in realization in everyone's direct, conspicuous eyes, all zeroed in on me. If it were possible, the perceptible energy choked me, because suddenly it was very difficult to breathe, as if the air had been sucked right out of me and vacuum packed.

"That's enough!" Jacob roared, snapping me out of my perplexed and frozen daze, causing me to flinch.

He stood up, his body so vividly vibrating, the muscles of his arms pulsating in reaction to his unclenching and clenching fists. "Bella isn't the problem! One more _fucking_ word about her and you'll regret it." He looked towards each pack member, as if daring someone to demur. "This is your responsibility, don't go blaming it on her since you can't man up and deal with the consequences of _your_ heritage. If you want someone to blame, blame the Cullens for even coming here in the first place and causing our change. Leave her out of this or I swear to God..." He left the threat blank, explicit with no words and a menacing scrutiny.

All went silent. I tried to force back a round of tears, unaware that both Collin and Vanessa's hands were holding mine. I was thankful Jacob's body was blocking me from the scene taking place, the looks taking helm.

"Asshole," Collin muttered under his breath, soft enough for me to hear, mistakably loud enough for everyone else to hear, because in the quick movement of an eye, everything changed. It wasn't until I actually _blinked_ that I noticed everyone's previous positions were different.

Paul had charged at a now standing Collin, grabbing fist fulls of his shirt and growling "You got something to say, kid!" Jacob left his defensive spot in front of me to shove Paul off, placing himself between the two, and Embry was left trying to hold Paul back by his arms. Everyone else was standing forward, tensed.

Strangely this reminded me of one day years ago on the cliff when I had discovered Jacob's hidden truth and Paul had overreacted to it; charging towards us fully phased. I prayed he had gained better control on his instincts in the span of almost three years.

"_Back. Off._" Jacob commanded gravely in his familiar, authoritative Alpha voice, shoving at Paul's shoulders. Like clockwork he heeled, stepping back and bowing his head, looking as if he was going to collapse under a self-weighted air. I had never seen _this type_ of Alpha control before; how able Jake was to control someone so impassively.

For once I was admittedly frightened of Jake and the seethe of venom in his voice, the control he could enforce.

"Now, everyone will stick to their patrols. I'll talk to the council, see what I can do. But don't either of you think you've given me one fucking reason to defend you." Jake looked between Jared and Paul with narrowed, black eyes; having not calmed one bit. "Collin, Brady…you're off this week. Paul and Jared will double up with your shifts."

"What! That's so fucking unfair!" Jared stepped forward, having to not surrender to Jake's previous command.

Jake's head swiveled around. "Don't complain to me about what's fair! Apologize and stop treating them like shit just because they're the youngest, and then we'll talk fair." He turned to address the rest of the pack, "If any of you bring up Bella's name again, if any of you even goddamn _think_ it the wrong way, you'll end up in a fucking gurney. Understood?"

With that he turned back to me, the look on his face unrelenting. "We're leaving."

He stalked off and I quickly followed on wobbly legs, having to double my pace just to catch up to him. It still felt like I couldn't breathe. Only shallow breaths forced their way in and out. I was too stricken to take in what had just happened entirely. When I caught up to Jake, I instantly reached for his hand to soothe him, to be there for him.

He jerked his fist away at the slightest touch. "Bella," his voiced sounded pained, "_stay back_."

I froze in spot, almost as if that Alpha slur to his tone worked on me. I watched him take four more steps until his figure blurred and suddenly a russet wolf was now replacing my Jacob, taking off towards the surrounding trees. I began trembling, a familiar rise of a panic attack building.

Why couldn't he have just listened to me this morning?

Collin's arm around my waist was what faltered me from my daze as he encouraged me to continue walking with him, having left when Jake and I had. "I'm sorry," I whispered. He only looked at me oddly, unsure of why I was apologizing. Except how could I not feel like that was my entire fault? As we began to walk, I became aware that Vanessa was also at my side, Embry not too far behind, and Brady and Shay trailing by Collin, divided.

There was too much to digest for anyone to talk during our mile long trek back to where all the cars were parked.

"I'm…I'm gonna go see if Jake's alright, if he needs shorts or something," Embry mumbled after pulling me into a tight _I'm-sorry-about-that _hug and scratching at the back of neck nervously.

"Sure," Vanessa spoke first, her arm linking through mine, "we'll be over at my house, 'kay?"

* * *

"Do they always fight like this?" Maybe the answer would delude me from taking the brunt of this force, coaxing that I wasn't the one tear in the stitching of the pack.

"'Course they do. Eight macho guys in one place is a recipe for egos to mash. They're always arguing, wrestling, pulling out their dicks..." Vanessa shrugged.

"…But there's never been anything as serious as this," I concluded quietly, remembering the worn and alarmed looks that suggested they'd never witnessed anything like what had taken place on the beach between Alpha and Beta.

"Look, they'll get over it. They're not like girls who go carrying around grudges for the rest of their lives."

The mutilated assurance didn't persuade me. With pretense I nodded, justifying that I understood when all I was doing was pretending that an overwrought power of guilt wasn't making it difficult to take in every breath.

I reclaimed my spot on the couch, lying on my side with the armrest as my pillow. "When do you think they'll be back?" I closed my eyes to the image of Jake running off into the forest, of the ugly and displaced pain on his face.

"Jake probably needs to run off some steam. I'd give him an hour to cool down since Collin hasn't come back yet since he left ten minutes ago, so it's likely he's somewhere up north."

I felt so mistakenly out of place. Vanessa knew all of these things, about the pack, about Jacob, about _running off steam_ and _pack antics_ and _running north_. Things I had missed out on. Things _I_ didn't know about my Jacob.

The worst of all of this was that Paul was right. That yes, I was jeopardizing so much more than my own wallowing by being here. And though I had precisely taken that into consideration for two years, the point still remained that there were 'sadistic vampires' after me, even if the near future didn't suggest it for the worthwhile, as it was something I wouldn't ever subject to pack to.

If the remnants of my thoughts continued it would be too unbearable to suppress my reaction until I was safely alone. So for awhile my mind just went blank; non-receptive to fight off my burden.

Later my eyes cracked open and my body immediately tensed, a sudden jolt startling me. There was something pressed behind me, a body holding and shifting against mine. The clock on the wall suggested it was an hour passed the time I arrived at Vanessa's, an hour since my brain had shut down into an odd state of sleep as a result of overcapacity and petty exhaustion.

The tensing ceased when I realized the familiarity of the not so strange hands at my waist, the rich breath at my neck, the puzzle-piece mold to our spooned bodies that were both somehow squeezed onto the small recesses of the leather couch.

I turned in Jake's arms, cautiously lifting my eyes to meet the still-rough creases delineating an empty pattern. I tucked my head to his chest, holding his arms around me in a fit of longing and concern.

"Are you all right?" I asked into his bare torso, the words holding like a desperate monotone.

"I'm fine, baby." He kissed my head, his nose nudging at me with deep inhales. "Sorry I woke you. I should get you home..."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna meet up with the council and deal with all this..." I sensed the venom leaking behind the grumble in his words and how hard he tried to conceal it from me. I was still determined to figure out just how to take away his pain.

"Drop me off at Charlie's. I haven't seen him in awhile. He can drive me back to Port Angeles, so don't worry about it, Jake. Just focus on this."

I took his pledged silence as an okay. I listened closely to the drumming of his heart beat, making no move to remove myself from his arms. I simply just held on tighter, my eyes begging to be closed again. Why couldn't we have just stayed in bed this morning, in our own perfect _now ruined_ contentment?

Jake sucked in a ragged breath. "I'm sorry..."

"Shh." I knew what he was apologizing for. And it didn't have anything to do with seeing the council.

"Please don't start blaming yourself, don't listen to Paul and let him inside your head..."

"Jake?" I interrupted, sighing into his neck.

"Yeah?"

"This is one of those times where you don't have to say anything, 'kay?"

"'Kay."

* * *

In hindsight I wish we _would_ have talked about the issue and not delayed the inevitable, because one day three weeks later, things just…blew up.

Nothing much else was said about Paul's comment and Jake's modifications after that moment in Vanessa's living room. A week passed with barely any contact until our planned weekend rolled around, and even then all Jake wanted to do was sleep and how could I not let him?

Another week passed with phone calls and explanations of zero progress with neither the pack nor the council, of stress and love and longing. That weekend was spent with Jake trying to seek intimacy, trying to find a solace in me…but something was holding me back, reconstructing barriers as all I could think about was _She's the problem_. So I did the one thing I do best; I pushed him away.

One more final week passed—a week in which I found Jake in my bed every night, holding me tight like the next day I'd be gone…or he'd be gone—until that Sunday rolled around and all those unsaid big things proposed a time of being said.

We had been arguing for the past ten minutes, as a result of my patience waning, as a result of me simply asking what was going on with the pack, the council. Somehow this all led to a different subject, to a different _certain-someone_ subject.

Jacob's thin resolve was withering. He looked _so angry, so scared_. "_What_ is this about then? Why have you been pushing me away? Is it Edward? Are you gonna go running back into his open arms? Are you leaving me again, all because of what Paul said?"

"That's what you're worried about?" I asked in a shocked, low whisper, my glossy eyes searching his with disbelief.

"How could I not be! How do I not know that _this_," he gestured frantically between our bodies, "isn't some ploy to 'live your human life' before you go back to the leech for eternity? It's what you wrote in your letters!"

"I can't believe you'd think that of me..." I sank into my bed, my eyes wide and impaired.

"Fuck, Bella. I have so much reason to! You can't deny me of that. We've never even talked about this!"

"Then let's talk about it. Stop shutting me out!"

"I'm not _shutting you_ out," he hissed, glowering down at me.

"That's not true! Ever since that day on the beach you've been different. You won't even talk to me!"

"You won't even touch me!" he retorted in a loud growl, causing me to flinch.

Of course we both knew that _yes, I held his hand and kissed his lips and snuggled into him at night_, and that _yes, he talked to me casually, with a strain, like nothing was wrong._

And of course we both knew that _no, I wouldn't let him take my shirt off or moan my name,_ and that _no, Jacob never talked to me that day on the beach and what his dooming and dependant feelings were._

I bit my lip to hold back sobs and overwhelmed tears. "_You've_ been so cut off from me, Jacob." My voice hitched. "I know Paul got to you, I know you think—"

"Yeah, maybe he did. So prove him wrong! Explain this to me, tell me you love me and that you won't leave me again! Tell me that you're _mine, fucking mine,_ and that you won't go back to him if things get rough, if those Volturi leeches change their minds and come after you because I love so you so goddamn much I'll die for you! Because I'll take the risk for you! But you gotta explain to me why you're holding onto him..."

A sob parted from me. "I can't talk to you like this."

"Goddamn it Bella—"

"Just…leave, Jacob. Decide whether you want to let me in or not—stop _being like this_—then we can talk." I hated his hard front. I hated his black eyes and meager resentment and displaced anger. It was straining enough to even look at him, let alone get him to understand when he was standing frozen cold.

"Yeah, that's real rich. Put this on me. You're the one with all the explaining to do, Bella."

"Leave!" I didn't turn back around until the door slammed shut seconds later. And at the time I curled up on my side in bed, burying my face in a pillow and hiccupping on a breaking sob. My regret of sending Jake away cued the fall of defeated tears.

All his words came flooding back to me, and before I knew it I was scrounging for my phone and dialing a memorized number through blurred eyes.

In the middle of the first ring there was an answer, much too soon for me to program and catalog my thoughts. I gave an unhappy grunt to my spontaneity.

"Bella! I saw you calling," was Alice's dimwitted, yet jovial greeting.

"Hi, Alice." The high-pitched crack in my throat as a result from burning tears stuck out remotely. I sniffled and mentally patronized my lack of control with a face-palm connection.

"…Is everything all right?"

"Yes. It's just been…one of those days, nothing to worry about. How have you been?" I asked vainly to switch the subject. The azure blue of my pillow I clung to in my lap was becoming dotted with the silent tears falling down my face. I trailed a finger over the blotches, connecting them as if a shape could be formed.

_Jake_...

"Wonderful! We've been in Africa."

"'We'?"

"Me, Jazz, and Edward. Jasper has some friends down here, so we thought we'd make a trip out of it! We're in Rwanda right now. Such a historical place…," she trailed off to talk about something intelligible. The only two words I picked up on were 'Tutsi' and 'Hutu'. "Anyways, I'm sorry I haven't called recently. Every time I check in on you you're either at work, too tired to talk, or I can't see you at all."

"Its fine, Alice. Really. Um, so," I nervously picked a cuticle, "I was wondering if you'd still be up for visiting me?"

Her squeal confirmed my answer. My eardrum resonated with a loud ringing noise. I wanted to tell her there was no reason to be excited.

"And, um…will you ask Edward if he'd come too? I'd…I'd really to see him. I need to talk to you both."

"Talk to us? About what—" I imagined her eyes going blank, seeing the decision I had just made. "_Oh_. Well, okay. Sure we can come. We can be there in…four days."

"No! Don't cut your trip short. There's no rush."

"Silly, Bella. We have all the time in the world to come back. So…we'll see you Friday!"

"Wait!" I practically screamed into the phone before she could hang up. "Can…can I meet you two in Seattle?"

"Why?"

"I don't want the pack to have to worry. There's…a lot going on with them, and it would be easier if they didn't know you two were here."

"Of course, I understand. I'll call Thursday and give you a time in place to meet. I'll tell Edward the news now. It's been too long since we've last seen you! Love you. Bye!"

"Bye..." I replied into the signally dial tone, flipping my phone shut and tossing it aside.

I felt damaged, diseased. Seasick yet still docked.

It was a feeling as useless as a rod without a reel. Something I couldn't put off any longer. The sensibility of having _fought_ with Jacob just to realize this conclusion I had been putting off made me feel slightly disgusted with myself.

* * *

_A/N: You may or may not be confused with the end of this chapter. If so, it'll be cleared up next chapter._

_**ALERT**__: I have a key part of chapter 20 already written, and for those of you who review I shall spoil you with a small teaser! It's the least I can do due to my __**gigantic love**__ for all of you :D I'll send that out sometime Saturday(:_

_Oh, and don't worry about Bella being a noob and running back to Edward. That's not the case. Don't abandon me!_


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: Yeah, yeah. Song suggestions.  
The Lime Tree – Trevor Hall  
As Much As I Ever Could – City and Colour_

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* * *

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Ch. 20 "Bring Me Your Love"

Maybe it was weak, maybe it was healing. But when stress and heart break came knocking, when the door was opened on up and let on in, the most comprehensible thing to do at a time like that—in a vulnerable heart situation—was narrowed down to two blunt choices. So I forfeited locking up my emotions and the mental numbing for the more typical reaction of crying.

After that evening and into the dawn I curled in bed, let it all out and cried, and cried, and cried. Until the release of emotion was magnified and it finally tired me into a sleep after an indefinite amount of time continued to tick by.

The crying wasn't out of pity _for_ myself but out of frustration _with_ myself. Out of hurting Jake yet again, out of seeing how truly afflicted he was because of me, out of selfishness, out of possible regret for calling Alice.

Out of regret for this entire situation…which never really could have been avoided as it was due to happen at some point, I realized.

The days following were a bland mix of nothingness.

I was almost sure Jake was doing the same thing as me; spending hours on end debating restlessly over calling the other. What always stopped me were those devilish insecurities, the ones that had me questioning if this time I had finally pushed him to his limit—a limit in which I had no idea what its snapping points are—and he was done and I was once again the one person in the middle inadvertently hurting those around me.

I talked myself into the idea that we both needed time to cool off, to sort through our thoughts and get a grip and that's why communication remained broken. It didn't help that I could barely sleep the rest of the week, that I was becoming unintentionally withdrawn because of the exhaustion hooking a concrete hold, and that I was entirely _not_ getting a grip on all these rabid goddamn thoughts because of it.

When Thursday rolled around and my phone made that irritable _dinging_ sound announcing a new text, I was sure I was going to choke on my own heart that leapt into my throat. That was until the message showed Alice's and not Jacob's name, details, and a time and place to meet tomorrow. If I was being honest, I had prayed continuously that she would have somehow forgotten and I had dreamed the whole thing up because… _I'm entirely unprepared and not ready to do this_. My spontaneity lacked forethought and preparation.

The whole reason I called and made plans was for Jacob's sake.

Not for mine. Never for mine.

When Friday rolled around I threw up—dry heaved being a better term—twice in the restroom at work in which my nerves and anxiousness and pure self-doubt all cooked into a batch of raw nausea. Megan diagnosed me as pregnant, I diagnosed myself as virgin. That shut her up. Or maybe the look on my face did. The only good news of that week was that she and Embry were dating exclusively.

The excessive anxiety and fear and bare-to-none appetite continued, because, quite frankly, I've never been good with goodbyes.

The truth behind my afflictions was the assumption that I may once again be messed up and depressed over parting ways with Edward because that was all I had ever known with him, wasn't it? And how could it be any other way than it had been the last two times? It was so habitual and almost methodical to feel broken over him.

It was the one thing I was good at, that I could count on.

I quaked at the thought of my scabbed, recently healed hole reopening.

How could anyone make a decision _for_ that? Was now even the right time to?

Any mention of the word 'decision' and my mind was always teetering back to a recent memory of that day weeks before Forks when the pompous word became intended as finality.

* * *

The only thing I could think about while it happened was _chapped, clammy, human_.

Not _cold, sweet, stifling_.

Not _hot, humid, burning_.

An erroneous and bias comparison to two certain men in my life claimed the remaining half-second of the misconstrued kiss.

That kiss stimulated a realization for me, a conclusion that took three days to digest. I supposed that was why I stayed wide awake in bed and became far too acquainted with the staccato of my beige-white ceiling for those two nights following that day.

I processed some things. Such as: Matt wasn't to blame for the kiss, maybe he was to thank. But on that dark and frigid May night when he walked me home from work as a polite gesture, things became increasingly awkward when we stopped at the front door of my apartment and he leaned in for my lips too quickly for there to be anytime to stop it. I simply froze. Maybe I had given him (an _acquaintanc_e from work) the wrong signals, because although he was nice (nice like Mike Newton, which got me wondering—are all men like Mike Newton? If so this may explain my thirst for the supernatural), I had no inclination to kiss him.

So when his lips touched mine I pathetically compared the _chapped, clammy, human_ kiss to one of Edward's _cold, sweet, stifling_ kisses and to the hit-and-miss _hot, humid, burning_ almost-kiss with Jacob. I didn't even try to find a small morsel of pleasure in the first strictly human kiss I had received since the eighth grade when Tommy Munley sloppily kissed me as a result from a childish dare.

With this I then processed that my reaction could only mean one thing.

Because Matt's kiss felt so wrong and entirely foreign it proved that my attempt at what could be a normal human life aside from vampires was too far gone—out of orbit—to reach; a tragic reality I had induced myself to two years ago and had no way of living _happily_ as I had hoped when leaving Edward until forever was bitten into place. This awareness was what I had Matt to thank for. Subliminally it occurred to me that I just couldn't keep fighting the lost fight. And if I did, it would be in ignorance.

When Edward showed up on my doorstep four days later in the evening—Idaho was consistently sunny unlike Alaska and Forks—my first thoughts revolved around Matt kissing me, Edward seeing it (more so Alice seeing it), and coming here to scold me.

I was too self-deprecating. I later found out he was here for an entirely different cause. But I had reason to be paranoid as Edward and occasionally Alice and Jasper would only pay me a visit every year during Christmas/New Years and my birthday. Edward visiting in May was atypical and my immediate thoughts, the ones after kissing someone else, went straight to danger. Danger by the name of _Volturi_.

He sat me down, laced our fingers and placed the two adjoined hands on the kitchen table. That pensive tightening on his beautiful face was permanent as we sat there in a hefty silence. And despite the frozen mask on his features, I knew Edward too well to _not_ notice the sad look in his eyes.

I knew what he was going to say, what he was to announce. I played similar scenes to this one over and over in my head, all different scenarios with the same outcome. The only difference now was that I thought I had more time, a few more years at least. But would that have really made it any easier? Any more worthwhile?

I was faintly aware of the surge of tears on my cheeks now falling freely to my crossed bare legs.

"Hush, Bella. There's no reason to cry, my love." His free hand stroked the side of my face, the cold against the wet of my cheek creating a chill. "Alice had a vision…"

_No, no, no, no_...

"It seems Aro has made a decision."

I sucked in a hiss of a breath, grateful I was now so accustomed to going numb on instinct. I turned my face into his caressing hand.

"The Volturi are otherwise distracted with more important and jeopardizing matters in Asia. The decision to come check up on you was discarded since Aro has so much trust in Carlisle and because of what's happening in the Middle East, they simply do not have the time when there are more dire concerns at large. The thought of you is far from his mind."

With those words my thoughts clung to Forks and Charlie and Jacob. All I could do was stare at him with questioning, disbelieving eyes. His mild nod confirmed my '_are you serious, is this real_?'

Edward's next gesture only reiterated the fact that Alice had briefed him on what I would do with this information; because once that freedom was renewed I already knew where I was going to go, what I was going to do, and what I was going to try and decide.

His cold fingers titled my chin upwards at an angle so that our lips were touching in a chaste, intimate way. And though it was short, it spoke of so much more emotion words could never correctly convey.

"Return that to me with your final decision."

In that moment I understood that he understood. Edward had told me repeatedly in those first few months after Volterra that he would never leave me again, unless I _asked_ him of such thing…if I wanted something different, if whatever my decision turned out to be didn't include him, he insisted I tell him so…because he would undoubtedly wait forever (or until the Volturi ordered it). A part of me wanted to hold onto him that long, save my decision.

Unexpectedly I had so many opportunities to choose from, Forks being the first. The rest would be decided in time.

* * *

A high-pitched _ring-ring_ brought me to.

My mind was so far away in another atmosphere of pain, in another lifestyle entirely, that I couldn't place my finger on the obnoxious sound until the third _ring-ring_ and I felt something tickle against my leg. The shock caused me to jump and in the same moment my hand was in my pocket, fishing out my phone and almost carelessly dropping it to the cement ground.

The third ring sounded then, now louder as the small piece of metal wasn't concealed.

I received numerous glares from the pedestrians next to me, all waiting in a cluster at the busy crosswalk in downtown Seattle until it flashed 'WALK'.

One look at the caller I.D and my already shaky breath hitched. The trembling tips of my fingers secured the phone to my ear.

"Jake?" The name came out like an exhale of breath. And rather it being posed as a question it was more of a relieved, hearty,_ frantic_ sigh.

"Bells," if the circumstances had called for it I would have smiled at the paralleled likeness in each of our vulnerable tones, but there was no sufficient reason to smile apart from hearing his voice, "honey, I'm so sorry. _So fucking sorry_. Come over… please…I need you. I need to see you. I haven't been able to sleep or think _or eat_ for days. We can talk…about everything. Just please, Bella…I need you, I can't lose you again..."

I stopped dead in my tracks at his words, aware that my heart was practically screaming at me to turn around, get back in my car and go back to him; to forget about all sense of logic and rationale and just _do_. The reasonable side of me was too great to be burdened and pushed aside. I started walking when I realized I was still in the middle of the crosswalk with only seven seconds to go on the flashing timer.

I coughed back the burning lump in my throat. "I'm sorry too, Jake… I want us to be okay…" My mouth dried. Why did he have to call now of all days? Now of all times? "But…but I can't come over right now…God, I wish I could. But…I'm in Seattle."

"Why?" he asked in a rasped whisper, sounding guarded. "I'll drive up, I'll meet you. I'm going crazy here without you…I can't go another second without seeing you."

I gulped. My intention was never to keep visiting Edward and Alice a secret from Jake, but it was never my intention to tell him right before it happened. It had been five days since we fought, since we last talked. And _tomorrow_ I was going to call Jacob, tell him everything, and produce a resolution hoping he'd see a cloud of devotion despite the heartache I was sure to face.

The idea of telling him now—when our wounds were still so fresh—that I was seeing Edward—someone who held so much power over my feelings—would only equate more despair to this situation, more unnecessary weight on Jake's shoulders.

"No, no…don't come." I could never lie to him. Especially after how desperate and anxious he sounded. I sucked in a breath and stopped walking when I was safely on the adjoined sidewalk. I closed my eyes until I was met with nothing but blackness. I spit out the words. "I'm seeing Alice and Edward. I'm meeting them. Here, in Seattle."

The only reply I received was silence; a _long_ and terrifying duration of silence.

"Jacob?" I didn't wait long for a reply I knew wouldn't come. My voice cracked accordingly. "Please…don't worry…don't do anything stupid…" His rugged and heavy pants muted me. "I-I'll come back to you. I'm coming back to you. Tonight. And we can talk. O-okay?"

By the time I thought the line had gone dead I heard Jake's now strained voice.

"I'll leave the front door unlocked." His words were empty, like he was expecting nothing but doing it anyways. Always. His next words sounded hopeless. "I…I love you."

_That_ was when the connection ended with a mocking dial tone.

Only minutes ago was I questioning my own stamina and if I'd be crushed over letting Edward go and regret doing such a thing, then resulting in further separation from Jacob. I had been holding onto the Cullens for so long because for awhile they were all I had. A part of me would forever continue to want that.

But something else, something that took a perfectly-timed phone call to prove, told me all I needed to know:

I was more afraid of losing Jacob than Edward. It hurt to even think about. It _overshadowed_ the hurt of losing Edward. And if I was more scared of that than perhaps I was psyching myself out and I would be _okay_…with Jake at my side, it would make it okay.

And _yes,_ I thought, _I can do this…I can make this decision because he is what I am doing this for, and with cause comes purpose and Jake's voice told my body all it needs to know._

If only words could shine against the inky shadow of misapprehension and guilt.

The sun had set by the time I arrived at the address Alice had directed me to after the two hour long drive from Port Angeles to the rainy city. My _empty_ stomach felt so weighted. I tried to ignore the shaking of my hands as I headed into the building, but something so great was hard to omit.

I wasn't sure where along the way things changed, when my center of gravity completely shifted off of the object of my obsessions. Maybe it was when Matt kissed me, or when I lost all trust in Edward, or after that evening he told me that I was not damned for eternity.

Maybe I had changed.

The building's first floor was large and open, vast with the décor of a lobby to a restaurant/club and decorated with seduction. Alice's directions included that of '_go to the room in the back of the building_'. Two minutes later I was back at my starting spot, my phone in hand, not having found any room besides the bathroom.

I had a feeling we weren't meeting up there.

"I knew you'd get lost," came a voice over my shoulder, one too familiar to panic or startle me. My lips tugged into a tender smile that ached like a forgotten muscle being reused with sudden strain.

My brain commanded my body to make an ungraceful turn, eager eyes searching and then landing on beauty.

"Of course you did." I threw my arms around her neck, the strength of my hold disappearing against her stature. "Hi Alice…"

She pulled back at arm's length, her yellow fluxed eyes flickering across my face. "Bella," she smiled from lips to eyes, "you're right on time. It's great to see you!"

It was so strange to see the youth on her face. The idea of the Cullens never aging was just once an idea now reflected years later when all I could think about when looking at any of them was how _young_ they appeared. Still appeared.

"I've been seeing a lot more of you recently. Where's Jacob been?" At some point throughout the years Alice had stopped referring to Jacob and his pack as 'mutts', only for my sake as I used to once flinch at the words and the reminder.

"Busy." The subject of Jacob was sore right now.

"Are you two okay?" There was a hope in her voice I tried to ignore, but it was so distinct and straightforward that it was all I could hear.

Something on my face was a dead giveaway to her words. I was so beaten up over these internal conflicts that it hurt to even look how it reflected in a mirror, and to someone like Alice—a dear friend—the statement of 'distress' might as well be dubbed on my forehead. I sighed, dropping my gaze. "Yes. We're…just…struggling with…some things…"

"What things?"

_Always so inquisitive_. "What do you think?" I asked with a frown.

Her response was immediate. She had to have known once my decision was made to come here and _why_, let alone make me explain. "Oh. Well. I'm sorry for that."

The look in my eyes pleaded with her not to be. Wordlessly I pulled her into another hug.

"It's good to see you. So…where is…he?" I asked a few moments later once regrouping myself and getting a good look at the dimmed lounge with hanging lights purposely casting shadows, showing no sign of Edward. A part of me hoped he backed out to save the pain, another part of me scolded that an easy way out was selfish and weak and was incredibly contradictive and _not easy _in the long run_._

"C'mon." Her cold hand in mine towed me behind her. "He's in the back. We got a private room so we won't have to worry about anyone overhearing. We know the owners of the place. They're like _us_…but nomads and very successful club owners."

I followed silently, the part of me that belonged to Edward growing anxious with those silly butterflies that weren't all from excitement. In comparison to how susceptible I was to nerves fifteen minutes ago, I was now surprisingly…calm. A tide of something washed over me.

The room was hidden far in the back, past a bar, two separate lounges, a bending hallway, and finally a curtain blocking the entrance.

I never would have found it.

The oval room was similar to the rest of the club…minus the dim lighting. I could see much clearer in here, and the first thing I made out and rushed towards was Edward's standing figure, the beauty of him making the rest of the aesthetically pleasing furnish fade. Our reunion wasn't much more than it usually was; a hug, soft words, a kiss to the side of my head, the feeling of that dominating desire making me lightheaded under the attraction.

"Hi, love."

"Hi Edward," I sighed as his hand brushed through my hair, never relinquishing its hold.

"I'll just…leave you two alone for a moment," Alice offered softly, discreetly leaving the way we came in.

"You look good," Edward observed.

I laughed, that being something he repeatedly tells me each time we've seen each other.

"You too. As always," I smirked a small smirk.

"Are you hungry? I can order some food for you. We can sit and spend the evening together." He looked so hopeful as I stared up at him.

"I…I don't think that would be a good idea. Better to make this quick, you know?" I asked sadly, never breaking hold of his eyes. Plus food was the furthest thing from my mind.

"Sure, of course." He sighed, looking destroyed. "I'll never forgive myself for putting your life in danger so many times."

My head bowed weakly, allowing my forehead to rest the curve of his neck where his skin tingled mine and the sickly sweet scent of him was tasted with each inhale. His arms wrapped loosely around my waist. "Everything went wrong for us," I murmured in sorrow, my hands balling into small fists against his chest. Every little misstep diluting our relationship seemed like the universe's way of telling us that something so abstract could have never possibly worked without consequence.

"I'll forever regret it."

"It was meant to happen this way."

"I suppose. This is, after all, everything I've ever wanted for you, the reason why I left all those years ago, to give you back a human life. I knew I couldn't keep you forever." His nose was at the crown of my head, furrowing into my hair. The regret in his words was acidic and fiery and somewhere inside me it _hurt._

I poured tears into the collar of his shirt. "Will you be okay?" I inched my head back to regard him, to further paint his young face into my mind.

"All in good time, but do not worry about me, Bella," he replied, flashing me a tender smile and dropping a kiss to my cheek.

"I'll worry anyways." I frowned, taking in a steadying breath and linking both my hands with his.

He chuckled that beautiful, melodic laugh. "And I for you. Always."

"You understand why I'm doing this right?" I asked timidly, peering at him from behind wet lashes and wanting complete closure on both ends.

"Yes, my love. I think I saw this before you did…I knew what you would choose when you left two years ago. But I only ask that you honor my request, ask it of me so I know there is no hope."

I sniffled, wiped at the few tears that escaped my tired eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, and nodded reluctantly. I stood on my tiptoes, allowing the same chaste and tender kiss he had once given me to be passed between us and returned.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could have given you—"

Edward's finger at my trembling lips ceased anymore broken regrets. "You give me everything just by breathing." The same finger proceeded to each cheek, stroking away unworthy tears. "Now ask it."

Words vanished from me. My eyes pleaded with his. I was met with a naked, raw reflection. Squared shoulders and absolute decision yielded me forward, yet tears and visible cringing could not be abolished. Something gave me the strength.

"D-don't wait any longer. For me. I'm asking you not to. I've…I've made my decision."

Edward's expression changed to that of understanding. When he kissed my eyelids and showed no sign of defeat or explicit pain I knew we'd find closure…even if it took some searching.

"I'll always be here. If you need me." I opened my eyes to find his face leveled with mine, both of my warmed cheeks chilling beneath his hands. "Thank you," he whispered in finish.

"You'll say goodbye to the rest of your family for me? And tell them how grateful I'll always be for what they've done for me?"

"Of course."

For the passing seconds until Alice returned our eyes remained in a hold, locked with remembrance and maybe even a mutual regret of what could have been.

I stepped back, breaking whatever trance and giving his hand a final squeeze. Alice's arms found their way around me for the third time that day.

"Oh, I'm going to miss you so much and all those times I dragged you kicking and screaming to the mall! I was so close to getting you to tolerate it! I swear if I only had some more time you'd be a shopping empress…"

I chuckled a hearty laugh despite my crying. "I'll miss you, too. Believe me."

More seconds ticked by until she released me at arm's length. "We'll pay for it." Alice grinned, a soft and insightful smile on her lips. She was looking at me so intently, her dilating pupils suggesting a sheepish peak into my future. "And…two. Two."

"What? Pay? Two?" I stuttered, looking to Edward for an explanation.

Something flashed across his eyes; the image of what Alice saw. He turned to me, stroking his fingers over the pink of my cheek. "You'll see. All in good time," he repeated.

From previous experience I knew not to question or beg. Alice was strict about her standards of the future changing if that person knows what's coming, me being that person in this case.

And that was okay. For once I was happy with the secrets of my future.

The three of us walked to the front of the building and out into the night air. The mist falling caused me to shiver and created further wet tracks on my flushed cheeks, salt stains disappearing.

"Will we ever see you again?" Alice asked, appearing in my line of sight. Edward was standing a few feet away from us, facing away.

"I…I don't think that would be a good idea. For awhile. For a long while. It makes more sense that way…because I'll only continue to hold onto you two. I need to let go."

She nodded slowly. I could see she was disheartened. "Of course, we understand."

"Where will you two go?"

"For now we'll head back to Alaska, maybe go back to Africa sometime soon. Jazz loves it there."

I nodded, my eyes falling to the tip of my sneakers scuffing against cracked concrete.

"I'll only call if there is any…danger."

"Right. Thanks," I murmured distractedly, my gaze rising to look past Alice and at the profile of Edward's face, the muscles of his jaw flexing.

The worry in my eyes was a dead giveaway. "He'll be okay," Alice assured supportively, taking hold of my hand and giving it a final squeeze. I nodded a thank you to her, easing myself to believe it. Her eyes trailed over me. "And so will you. I'll always consider you a sister, Bella."

"Me too, Alice," I breathed through tears, willing and forcing the inevitable narrowed fissure at my midsection, now splitting like an ice pick taken directly to a delicately reconstructed sculpture, into its hiding.

Edward appeared back at my side. Alice let go of my hand, offered a small wave of her hand, and began backing away. I forced up a weak smile and gave her a wave of my own, realizing that had been our departing goodbye.

It didn't yet _feel_ like goodbye. But it would hit soon enough.

"Can I walk you to your car?"

I replied with the softest "okay" to him, knowing this was… _it_, the end. I nodded my head towards the parking garage across the street. We walked in silence.

When we arrived to my jeep parked on the first floor there was a…painful silence as we stood mutely, our eyes everywhere but each other's. "Sorry I made you come all this way just for…that," I stated in bitter sarcasm, brushing away a stubborn tear. It seemed like we had only been in that room for minutes. A relationship compressed down to minutes.

"Don't be. You're doing me a brave favor. I should have done it this way two years ago and brought closure instead of hurting you the way I did. As much as it will continue to hurt me, it will be better for you to be away from my lifestyle. If you had chosen me, if you had chosen this, I would not have been able to take that choice away from you and turn you down. I cannot tell you how important it is that you came to this conclusion, as much as it hurts me to say. It is why I left you in the first place, so you can live a human life and now you will. Freely. I won't be waiting in the shadows."

I burst into a round of sobs that escaped in tandem. "Thank you for understanding."

He smiled a compassionate smile and opened the door to my jeep for me, helping me in with a hand to my arm. I turned to face him, my lower lip and entire body quivering.

"I only ask you of one thing."

And just like last time I replied, "Anything."

"Don't forget me."

"That would be-" I hiccupped, "-impossible."

Still smiling, he leaned in to kiss my forehead and lingered to take me in. My eyes closed briefly and in that moment when all went black and calm the door to my jeep was shut, closing me in. All around me was deserted when I reopened my heavy eyelids, Edward gone. Streetlights stared back at me.

Once my breathing was stabled and tears no longer blurred my vision—God knows I'd probably end up in a ditch somewhere off the highway if I considered driving in such a state—I let my head rest against the steering wheel, taking however long it would take to compose myself further.

Thirty minutes passed and I was already throwing my car into reverse. I found that it wasn't bad; the pain. It was…tolerable. Another feeling outshined the loss—but it was still there. I couldn't expect it to just be gone…but damn if I'd dwell on it.

I drove back to Port Angeles like I was driving my old truck; slowly, because despite the pull towards seeing Jacob…I'd rather not crash and ruin this. It took three hours. I had slowed considerably when the rain picked up. And now, as I looked at my glowing red clock on the dashboard it was…midnight. Almost one.

When Jake's building came into view I sped up, the one and only time that night I did so. I parked crookedly, opened the door with shaky hands, and tripped out.

I stood in the pouring rain for a good sixty seconds, not caring if I was soaked and shivering, only caring the scent of _vampire_ was washed off of me for Jacob's sake. There was no time to run home and shower. Not when I needed him like this, so dependently.

"Miss Bella? Mr. Black left this for you." The lady from behind the front desk spoke as soon as I stepped inside and rounded towards the elevator. She lifted her hand from behind the counter, producing a key to room 912. The sheepish grin on her lips would have made me flush with embarrassment if every part of me wasn't twisted and coiled with anxiousness, leaving no room for any other emotion.

The nameless worker had been seeing a lot of me throughout the past few months. I wasn't surprised she knew my name.

I tried to not look so guilty about leaving puddles behind on the spec-free grey linoleum floors (and that I wasn't in the middle of a breakdown and mental lapse in the middle of the night). "Thanks," was all I whispered.

My mind went blank. The next thing I knew I was standing in front of a furnished wooden door, slipping in the key, and stepping into a lighted walkway and kitchen. Everything in here smelled like Jacob. It hit me all at once.

_He knew I would come_. The lights wouldn't have been left on if he thought otherwise. With this more tears fell and joined in with the water from my hair falling to the dotted carpet. I shrugged out of my jacket and kicked off my shoes jointly, stumbling since I was so unguarded and so goddamn _eager_ that nothing else mattered, couldn't even begin to matter.

My heart beat felt fatal. Yet I felt so…_free_.

I took the stairs slowly, step by step, my hand trailing the railing the whole way up but not quite getting a grip as it was shaking so fiercely. When the ground leveled all the fear and brokenness and tears and bits and pieces of me that belonged to Edward were left behind with my jacket and shoes and the rain-drenched carpet, because all I wanted was to _be_ with Jacob with every part of me that was _his_. And now I could.

The door to Jake's room was opened, waiting. I froze, taking in the sight of him hunched over at the edge of his mattress, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. I'd seen this posture of his too many times to know that he was broken up, drained and gutted and helpless. The only light was coming through the window from the moon, the blinds zigzagging lit lines against the bed and floor.

And just as suddenly as I had seen him and felt a rush of love it ached, Jake's head lifted at my arrival, his eyes finding mine with an unmasked pain that took everything in me not to collapse under, and he stared at me with disbelief.

With no second thought I rushed towards him. In the same moment Jake stood, something in his hands dropped with a _clunk_ to the floor, the space between us disappeared, and threw my arms around his neck and into his embrace, my feet dangling off the ground. His hands were everywhere along my back, feeling me as if I wasn't real, gripping me in desperation. All I could think about was the day he first saw me months ago and how he clung to me knowing how easily I could be taken away from him and how much it had and would kill him. This time it was no different.

"Bells…oh honey," he pleaded into my neck, his voice sounding even more torn up than he looked.

In my own desperation I found his lips.

"I love you." Our lips shared the words like a prayer with slowness and meditation. It wasn't until he set me on my feet that I broke away, panting. His forehead rested on mine, my fingers stroked along each of his cheeks and under his jawbone. "I love you. I'm in love with you. So…in love…with you."

His eyes flickered over my face, looking for any sign of a lie. When he bent over and his lips met mine I felt his love run so deep it scared me. But I knew there was nothing to fear. I kissed him back just as undoubtedly, with no rush or lust or hunger, only love and devotion and desire.

Each of my hands ran up his bare chest and to his shoulders, pushing off the unbuttoned flannel shirt covering his arms. Jake shrugged out of it with ease, his hands returning to my hips instantly thereafter. I fumbled next with the hem of my own shirt, Jake having to take over for my still trembling fingers and peel the wet shirt off of me as I lifted my arms over my head. His now glistening eyes roamed my exposed torso and stomach, treasuring it like it was something he had never seen before.

My arms found way around his neck, bringing his lips back to mine. Every part of me burned where his hands left their mark, my own hands doing the same against the skin of his back and abdomen. A whimper stoked deep in my throat as I urged Jake closer, pleading with him to pick me so I could feel the entirety of his body fitting with mine with no boundaries this time. He kept his hands at my hips, his fingers digging in at the skin.

When I cognized that his thumbs were at the button of jeans I kissed him further, releasing one of my hands from his hair to help slip out of my jeans. The next second they were gone. Jake's fingers licked fire on every part of my naked thighs accessible, marking every inch of me.

It was then he picked me up in his arms delicately just as my knees buckled under his touch, cradling me to him with an arm below my bottom and a hand mixed in with the hair at the back of my head, holding my lips to his. It lasted for only a moment before he lowered me gently back onto his bed, his body positioned possessively above mine. In the moment his lips left mine to explore my neck and down the center of my chest, the one comprehensible thing I could do was suck in gulps of air and let myself fall to the rise ecstasy.

Jake stopped at my collarbone, his hands effortlessly removing the bra from my body. He only stayed for a moment at my naked chest, kissing the soft skin around my breast and circling my left nipple with his thumb to stir his name from my throat before he moved lower. Kisses were placed accordingly at my skin, readying me for him.

When he reached my waist there was no pause for reflection, because I realized that this was the _real_ time when things could be left unsaid between us. When we understood with a simple look or touch or feel that this was what we were doing, meant to be doing.

His fingers hooked through the band of my panties and his lips painted words at my pelvis. They then followed the tug of fabric down my legs with licks and kisses until he was at my feet and I was fully naked to his eyes. Throughout this time my head was thrown back and my eyes were closed, both of my hands gripping the sheets beneath me. All I heard were his sharp and deep inhales.

The air met me with a chill because I was so wet for him.

He kissed his way back up my opposite leg, settling himself in between my parted thighs and finding my lower lip to kiss and suck into his mouth. I fumbled for the waistband of his sweats, feeling his erection pressing urgently against me. I opened my eyelids to watch him kick off the one and final thing blocking us, physically and mentally. With eager eyes I watched Jake stroke himself a few times, growing harder for me. When he was satisfied the same hand then dipped between my legs, his thumb massaging my clit and two fingers sliding easily inside my slick entrance.

I cried out in a low whimper, clutching to his shoulders.

The moment ended just as it was building and I felt Jake slide his dick between my lips, finding my slit and stilling the tip there. I parted my legs wider for him, hitching one over his hips and letting out a thirsty moan. Our eyes locked as I heaved with an aching satiation for him. I was so lost in my own head, in his own eyes. Jake lowered himself to his forearms, wrapped an arm under my arching back, and flushed the full length of our naked bodies together. Moans passed both of our lips, the only noise besides our breathing.

I kissed his soft lips direly, hoping to convey my trust.

"Tell me if it hurts, if I should stop."

The next second he entered me, pushing further and further until there was pleasure and burning pain and no more room to feel any more complete because he filled me so deeply that _all_ I could register was a mix of euphoria. But the jagged sharpness of the pain made my eyes water.

Jacob stilled and pressed his face to my neck. He was filling me completely and desperately trying to keep himself under control. It hurt…but not enough. I rolled my hips, encouraging him to take me. He lifted his head, held onto my tear-rimmed gaze, and started moving tepidly and cautiously at first, watching my expression for any change as the pace picked up; shallow then deep.

We moved together so rhythmically.

I searched for his free hand and laced our fingers together with the double meaning of belonging and anchoring. He adjusted his position so that my arm was thrown above my head, my hand trapped beneath his. I gasped each time I felt him hit a spot deep inside of me, he groaned each time I squeezed him closer. And together we moaned into the creation of his and now my warmth. This continued over and over with each slow stroke.

The beauty of it lasted until Jake's hand left mine and trailed down my side, fitted between our bodies and rubbed at my clit. It pushed me to my climax of breathy moans of love and his name, and I fell over the edge, shaking and quivering and throbbing. Jake's orgasm followed as he emptied himself into me, taking root. My name was the only sound passing his lips.

'Love' was shown and continually used in so many different ways that night.

The sun was just beginning to rise when we finally settled down, both of us exhausted; me more than him. We had stayed up the remaining of the night, making peaceful and serene love two more times into the dawn.

Jacob was now lying on his stomach facing me, his nearest arm thrown over my hip as I lay on my side, one of my hands tracing up and down his back, gaining a lifelong familiarity. Enough time of contentment passed until I decided we needed to talk and hash things out in other ways than the music our bodies made.

"How are things with the council?" I decided to start off with, still drawing patterns against his muscles.

Jake flipped onto his side to face me fully. The high look on his face made me grin abashedly.

"We came to an agreement yesterday. Anyone who wants to quit phasing will have to wait 'till the end of the year to stop, only if no danger or vampires show up." He looked at me so intently, the last part of his statement resembling a question, wanting to know _if _any vampires would be showing up. There was still reason to believe I'd tow the Cullens along.

I tried to gather my thoughts. Jacob beat me to the next question before I could respond, starting off another round of 'twenty questions' informally.

"Do you still love him?" There was only one other _him_ relative to the subject.

"Of course. But not in the way I love you," I clarified, poking a finger into his chest. I didn't give him time to respond, either.

"And you still love Vanessa?" I asked, since the subject was rarely talked about and this was the time to get it all out there, I supposed.

"Of course. But not in the way I love you," Jake repeated with a grin and instead of poking me he kissed the tip of my nose.

"Well…I like her. A lot. So you can love her all you want as long as I don't have to share you." I kept his face close to mine by running my hands through his messy hair. I was sure I looked like a wreck, too.

"You'll have to share me with the pack," he reminded gently, leading into another subject. "They'll all see this, how much I love you, what beautiful love we made, and…" he reached under the cover, caressing my naked thigh, "…how tight and wet you were for me," he finished in a rich husk. I could see the teasing in his eyes.

I blushed and squeaked out, "Try not to think about that last part too much. I can't have Collin knowing that…or anyone for that matter. Please don't let them see me naked." I buried my face in his neck, already embarrassed.

He chuckled and mumbled something about me being for his eyes and body only.

On a more serious note I pulled back to look him dead in the eye. "Paul was right though, about me bringing danger."

"I know," Jake whispered. We both knew this wasn't the time to lie or sugar coat the truth. Everything needed to be said.

"The Cullens won't be coming back. I made sure of it, for you. For them. That's one of the reasons why I did what I did, why I met up with them last night."

"What were the other reasons?"

"You. I took what you said to heart last Sunday."

"So you're letting him go, you're choosing me?" he asked in a light tone, but his eyes showed the seriousness of the question.

"It was never _that_ kind of choice, Jake. I'm choosing life…and you just happen to fit into it…you happen to be a large part what I want it to be. I'm too scared to find out what it's like without you at my side."

"Yeah?" he question with a lazy smile, a shine in his eyes.

"Yeah," I replied warmly, my fingers exploring his cheek and jaw bone. "No more Edward. Just you. I'm yours for the keeping."

To show how much those words meant to him, Jake kissed me slowly and thoroughly, neither of us tiring of the overused affection.

"And…and the Volturi shouldn't be a problem. Alice can't be one hundred percent positive but she'll be keeping watch and there's nothing I can do about it and I'm so—"

Jake silenced with me with another kiss. "I already told you I'd take the risk for you, honey."

I swallowed back a lump of emotion in my throat and blinked back tears. "I don't have much to offer you…"

"Your heart is enough."

"Good. It's yours."

* * *

_A/N: I'm SO HAPPY that most of you guessed right in your reviews last chapter about Bella putting an end to stringing the Cullen's along. It made me all smiley (: I wish I could reply to anonymous reviewers! :( I'm sorry about that! There was also one person who had their PM's disabled, so I couldn't send anything to you! Sorry /:  
This was my favorite chapter to write on so many levels, even though it was the __**hardest**__. I hope you guys equally enjoyed it. I pretty much gave you all a full circle view into Bella's life for those two years – first starting with the memory of leaving Edward, then the letter to Jacob explaining what she was going through, Edward telling her about the Volturi's decision, and then Bella returning to Forks. Yeah, it was a little out of order…but that was the point :P I never wanted to include Edward in this story. But I felt like it wouldn't come full circle without closure. _

_The next chapter will sadly be the last chapter of this story, with a following two part epilogue. 'Echoes' was never intended to be lengthy, and no…I won't ramble on with nothingness._

_A HUGE thanks to my two pre-readers wordslinger and blackandback. I kind of love them._


	21. Chapter 21

Ch. 21 "You Are the Smell Before the Rain"

"_Happy birthday to you_…"

The cake that sat directly in front of me, among the many other plates and cups on the table, was small and round with chocolate frosting, sprinkles, and two chunky candles with the numbers of a '2' and '1' placed in the center, the wicks lit with flames.

This was the part after the 'birthday song' where everyone stared at me and I was to blow out the candles with a wish in mind. From twenty years of past experience, only two of my wishes had ever come true. The wish when I was five years old for a pony was a disappointment, the wish when I was thirteen years old for my own library with the likes of Vonnegut and Roy was just as doubtful. Yet, the birthday wishes when I was nineteen and twenty of staying human and returning to my family both _came true_ within the same six months.

So perhaps my luck would continue, and my next wish would somehow become a reality, too.

But what else was there to wish for? A happy and healthy life? Wouldn't that be pushing the life I was already grateful to have been given?

Looking at the five people around me, I realized I had everything I needed, everything that mattered, in those faces staring back at me.

My eyes drifted closed with a different person's face in mind, someone who had been there for my past three birthdays. I sucked in a lung full of oxygen, blew out the candles intently…and wished for Edward, for his happiness, wherever he was in the world following our goodbye two weeks ago.

Routinely, there was the clapping, the loud cheering (on Collin and Jake's part to make me blush) in front of the other occupants in Forks' Diner, and then the serving of the cake Ali had made for the occasion of my birthday that Thursday evening.

"So, Bells, you want a beer?"

I swiveled my head around to where Charlie sat at my left, his arm thrown over Ali's shoulders. A grin was firmly thinned on his lips.

"You're an adult now, kid. Alcohol and gambling are the few privileges that come with it," he grumbled with a shrug. "Don't kids your age usually go to a bar and get drunk when they turn twenty-one instead of agreeing to have dinner with their old man?"

A smile lit up my face as I laughed. "You know as well as I do that I've always been a bit different, dad. Plus, I want to remember tonight…and not nurse a hangover in the morning. And I have work," I realized on a bitter note.

Charlie tipped his beer towards me in agreement and then took a hearty swig. I turned my attention to Ali. "Thanks for making the cake." Not only had I been surprised when Charlie called and ordered me back to Forks to have dinner for my birthday, but I wasn't expecting the whole new half of my family to be there…along with a cake and cards.

"No problem. I wasn't about to let Collin and Jacob give you the one they made. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought it was charcoal!"

My smile only widened at the image of my two favorite wolves in baking aprons. I turned quickly to my right to find Jacob, who shrugged innocently in response to my '_Oh, you sneaky wolf…_' playful glare. He turned back to his conversation with Vanessa who was at his side. Throughout most of dinner, I found myself watching them interact; this being the second time I had seen the two together after Vanessa told me of their should-be imprint.

I was curious. Not the jealous kind of curious, but…they had a connection…and I wanted to see exactly what kind they shared.

Like Charlie's, Jacob's arm was thrown over the booth behind Vanessa, his hand occasionally patting her shoulder when something funny was said and he was caught throwing his head back, flashing that _smile_ of his and laughing.

They just looked like…good friends, at ease with each other. It was heartwarming to see that they could remain so close despite all the past troubles mixed in with their worlds that _should_ have been one in the same.

Throughout dinner, Jacob kept a hand on my thigh underneath the table, or in my hand, when it wasn't used to shovel food into his mouth. I reached for that hand now, holding it in the two of my own. He leaned in to kiss the side of my head, the draw to feel each other always _there_ between us.

"Ready to go?"

The cake had been demolished and the bill paid.

I nodded eagerly. Jake was stealing me away…I was his for the night. But there was no reason to _steal _me. One command and I was his.

After our large group exited the diner, I said my goodbyes to Charlie, Ali, Collin, and Vanessa…all my respective family. Amidst the drive up to Port Angeles with Jake, I was stuck on the phone with Renee who I had called to thank for her gift of a new laptop…thus then led into a discussion of my three classes at Peninsula starting up next week, to my schedule changing at work, to Jacob, and finally to Renee blabbing on about some new job at a real estate company.

It was difficult—tiresome—to get my mom to shut up after she started rambling. All I could do was inset the appropriate 'uh huhs' and 'mmhms' and 'yeahs' until I was finally able to get her off the phone during the walk down the hallway to Jake's loft thirty minutes later.

_Finally_, cell phone and Renee free, we were at Jake's door. "I have something for you…"

"I told you not to get me a gift, Jacob." I gave him my best _I-hope-you-feel-guilty_ pout.

The exaggeration of his eye roll dismissed my under played scold. "It's not…technically…a _gift_." He leaned down to peck my lips, unable to resist the urge of my pout I presumed. I relaxed into it.

I pondered over what fell into the category of 'gift' and 'not gift'. "Is it flowers? A card? Chocolate? That foot massage you still owe me?"

"You're a terrible guesser, honey," Jake chuckled, flexing his fingers in mine. "You'll see. Don't get too worked up over it. I already told you I wouldn't buy you anything…and I'm saving up all my gift privileges for Christmas," he grinned, his lips falling to my forehead before pushing the door open with his shoulder.

Three steps inside the loft and my feet were already lifted from the floor, dangling from the ground as broad arms and a steel chest met me. An "Oof!" escaped my lungs at impact.

After my greeter set me back to my feet and I sucked in a breath to expand my smothered lungs, I prepared to glower up until I felt the tight knot in my lower back had popped from the pressure of his arms. It still didn't digress getting the air knocked out of me.

"Jeeze, Embry. You just saw me yesterday. No reason to get excited." I adjusted my shirt bitterly.

He looked at me in a shocked horror. "No reason to get excited? _No reason to get excited_? It's your birthday, Bella! Your _twenty first_ birthday. Wait…why aren't you drunk off your ass?" Embry eyed me up and down suspiciously, as if expecting to suddenly find a state of un-soberness within me.

"…because I have dignity?" I tried, having no other excuse.

He rolled his eyes at me just like Jake had earlier. "Right. Well…," he took my shoulders in his hands, "happy birthday, Bella. Now, if you two will excuse me…"

"Where are you going?"

"Megan's. You guys can have the place to yourselves. That's my gift to you. Have a…_fun_ night. See ya." With that he nodded to Jake, winked at me, and retreated out the still opened door.

"He doesn't shut up about her," Jake grumbled and towed me purposely further into the kitchen.

"Likewise with Megan…I think we're good matchmakers—" My entire body froze mid-motion when I saw what was waiting in the middle of the kitchen table. Once I gathered my flustered and disbelieving thoughts, I turned to look with wide and bewildered eyes between Jake—who stood with his hands stuffed in his pockets, head bowed shyly, eyes hidden behind eyelashes—and the item sitting proudly on the polished wood.

Somehow in the next moment I jumped into Jake's embrace, my face trying to bury itself in his chest. I exploded with laughter and cries at the same time, unsure of how to react. But the grey of his shirt was becoming stained with little dots of my uncertainty. He kissed my hair.

"Too cheesy?" he whispered insecurely in regards to the 'not gift', yet there was that confidence in voice. Two contradicting feelings, similar to the way I was crying yet laughing.

"Too…" I searched for words, shaking my head. I came up blank and hugged him closer. "I don't know what to say," I settled with quietly, still laughing for whatever reason. "I love you."

"I love you too, Bells."

I tilted my head back to expose my face to him. "I can't believe you." It was a typical Jacob ploy – something that shouldn't have really awed me. I smiled as he brushed away the silly tears on my cheeks.

"I can't believe _you _didn't see that one coming," he chuckled, resting his forehead on mine. His voice became more serious and deep. "I hope you saved room for dessert. Well…for more dessert."

My head nodded a shy 'yes' as I stood on my tiptoes to just barely reach his jaw line to place a kiss. "Do I even have to ask if you saved room?" I laughed, placing a hand to his stomach that had more than likely already burned through the ridiculous amount of food he had just eaten and was hungry for more.

And lately, it wasn't just _food_ Jacob was hungry for.

On cue, a grumble reverberated against my hand and Jake caught my lower lip with his. He went to pull back seconds later but I held him in the kiss longer, smoothing our tongues together in a muted gesture of gratitude.

"C'mon," he breathed against my lips when the kiss died down and the throb of our bodies flourished. Jake backed away—_why weren't his hands on me, touching me?—_and took my hand to lead my compliant body to the stout table.

That _hunger_ I referred to earlier was distributed in each opportunity, each touch, over the past two weeks…that even with a simple kiss Jake found a way to make it something more. So my surprise at his backing away following an aching kiss in the private sector of his loft was…surprising, for lack of a better term. He could have taken me right there.

I blinked in confusion.

Jake sat in one of the four chairs and settled me into his lap with an arm secured around my waist. The seriousness of his actions settled me down. His free hand reached for the plate at the center of the table, pulling the item closer to our end and beneath our noses.

Two forks and a perfectly cut triangle of banana cream pie stared back at me.

"You got your banana cream pie. Happy Birthday, Bells," he whispered tenderly with rich compassion against the skin of my ear, his hold on me tightening. I knew he wasn't referring to physically 'getting' the food sitting in front of me, but to obtaining the _concept_ of it; him…and that I had gotten him—something I needed and _wanted_—despite trial and error.

Because it was, after all, just some silly metaphor of comparison.

I leaned heavily back into Jake's chest as he kissed up my neck and cheek. I fell away to memory with glossy eyes, unresponsive to his touch. The memory (or lack thereof) served more from reading the one letter months ago on Jake's couch reminding me of such analogy than the actual flashback to memory of that night over a year ago (because most of that time period was blocked).

It was in Idaho. It was nighttime. The fluorescent lights of the diner were giving me a headache. My heart hurt. And the coworker—whose name now escaped me—was chomping at the bit for a certain piece of pie. That much I remember. Or were those all just made up facts and images associated with written words on a letter?

I didn't think about it for too much longer as my name falling from Jake's lips stirred me. I shifted to throw my arms around his neck awkwardly. My abrupt action startled him.

"Thank you for giving me a second chance," I murmured in desperation.

Jake pulled back to search my eyes, unaware of how highly I cherished his previous words. His thumb stroked my cheek, his eyes softening. "Where did this come from?" he asked to my declaration and the new tears in my eyes.

"Does it have to come from somewhere? I'm just…grateful, okay?"

His eyes were so scorching and inquisitive. "Okay. Sure, sure. You're welcome. I love you. Always." He let it go. The rough edges of his thumbs tried to chase away my tears. "Don't tear up on me now, Bells. I want this night to be special for you," he teased, trying to steer the conversation off of something so heavily weighted…something in which I was sinking.

"Sorry, sorry," I grumbled a laugh, brushing away the tears. "I'm just being silly." But really I was just being honest. How did I come to deserve him?

His smirk reassured me that he didn't mind…and possibly never would. Silently we began to eat, sharing the piece of food that held so much meaning of what I _wanted_.

"So…since my food of choice for you is banana cream pie, what's your food of choice for me?" I inquired on a lighter note, beckoning my mind from other darker places.

Jake mulled that one over, chewing at the piece of pie in his mouth. I leaned in to kiss away the stray whipped cream at the corner of his lips.

"Honeysuckle."

I cocked an eyebrow. "That hardly counts as food."

"It's what you smell like," he clarified, resting his face at the crook of my neck and nudging at my skin with his nose to take deep inhales.

"Well…you don't smell like banana cream pie," I giggled.

"No?"

"Nope. More like evergreen and pine tree. Like the smell before the rain."

"Huh. That's fitting."

"Mmmmhm."

The piece of pie was finished within a matter of bites.

Immediately after the plate was pushed aside, we found ourselves in a common position that had snuck up on us as of two and a half weeks ago, when it became too difficult to fight off intimacy after experiencing it whole. Somehow Jake managed to sit me straddled over his lap in the chair, his strong hands balancing me against him. Our lips and tongues were in a heated fiery kiss of passion as my hips were continuously rolling against his, trying to center myself over his need. All the built up tension between us in the past few hours was finally finding its resolve.

"Bells, baby, I need to be inside of you. I need to feel you," Jake groaned against my lips, his hands at my hips squeezing with the urgency of his words.

I whimpered my own need of approval. The idea of feeling him inside of me created eager butterflies in the tightness of my abdomen, and all I could do was rub myself against his strained erection to somehow soothe the ache between my thighs.

"Take me…" I breathed heavily into his ear, "right now."

Ever since that first night, we had only slept together twice more in the following weeks. Real life, outside of Jake's bedroom, couldn't be offset for any longer than a few more sleepy hours after the air was cleared between us. The problem of work was ever-present on that foggy yet blissful Saturday morning. Jake coaxed me into calling in sick—which I couldn't refute to since I hadn't gotten any sleep that night and never could have made it through the day standing. (That…and the lower half of me was sore with that _good_ kind of ache.)

Jake wasn't so lucky. Work wasn't an issue for him, as he already planned to take the day off in advance…to meet with his pack. The deal between him and the council of withholding any further ceasing of phasing within the pack until the end of the year was a set in stone agreement he made as Alpha without the pack's acknowledgement. He planned to tell them all that day, they'd then meet with the entire council and elder's council (apparently there were two) and hash any other resentment among their tribe's most important forefront. He promised he'd be back by four p.m. sharp…and ordered me to stay in his bed. Something I easily agreed to.

Every single part of me wanted to beg for him to stay with me and reschedule things with the pack for the sake of having him hold me. But, as previously discussed hours before his departure, Jacob had reminded me of one thing; that I had to share him with his brothers. And that was irreversible.

By the time Jake had gotten back, I had fallen asleep waiting up for him. Mentally and physically I was drained. We slept into Sunday morning, and though Jake woke antsy and I woke too sensitive and sore…we realized there was simply no rush. We had an entire future laid out.

Shockingly, it wasn't until the following Monday night—after Jake and I agreed to go back to our plan of focusing on each other solely on the weekends despite our new desire—that I realized one thing. That _one thing_ scolded me in the sound of Renee's voice in the back of my mind rabidly. _Protection. Always use protection, sweetie. No matter what the rush. I'm too young to be a grandma!_

Where had this voice been two nights ago? Nowhere, that's where.

I woke up the next morning with a taunting dream of kids and a mother with no education, a mother who couldn't provide. In the short amount of time following this, I freaked out to Megan, the only present womanly figure in my life, and cried my fears over the phone to Jacob.

Wednesday morning I awoke to cramps and a wetness between my legs.

That lesson was learned the hard way. So the last time we had found ourselves in this same position, five days ago, Jake was sure to have a heap of condoms within reach. But god, nothing compared to feeling him inside of me with no barriers…

My mind went blank the moment my back met the cushions of the couch and Jacob's hands practically ripped off my jeans—although I didn't hear a rip above the pounding in my ears so I was sure he took generous care to remove them without any damage in his haste. I opened my legs to him, the shyness and the modesty towards my nudity having dispersed over time. He kneeled over me, still fully clothed, and caught my gaze with his lust filled, focused, knee-buckling, _smoldering_ eyes. Holding my gaze, he shoved my panties aside and plunged two fingers deep within my slick entrance, his fingers curling up against my walls as he pumped me.

I threw my head back, panting and moaning the moment his thumb found my hard clit. I lifted my hips to meet his thrusts with grinds of my own. I felt his lips at my neck, a slight growl finding its way from his throat.

"Fuck, Bella…I can't believe how wet you already are for me," he growled at my ear, grazing his teeth over the skin. A shiver ran up my spine from his words. My nails dug into his shoulders, having to hold onto something as my climax built.

Just as I was nearing my orgasm, Jake's hand left me…along with the possessive stance of his body towering over mine, leaving me exposed and aching for more.

"J-Jacob…no…I'm…_so close_…" I whimpered, opening my eyes to find his pants off and his dick freed. He pulled out a condom and rolled it on his shaft.

"Take those off," he commanded sharply in a rasp with a nod to my underwear.

My insides quivered at his order and I quickly did as I was told, tossing them off the side of the couch carelessly. Neither of us wasted time removing our shirts. He was back above me seconds later, settling between my parted knees with his dick rubbing along my slit. He pushed into me in one quick movement, causing me to gasp and throw my legs around his waist.

He kept his movements controlled; reining in his animalistic side that he once told me fought to take over. Yet the pace for me was faster than anything we had experienced together. I clung to his neck, scratching at the bare skin with my nails as he pounded into me.

The way I was filled so completely coupled with Jake's Alpha influenced, dictating voice in my ear urging me to come for him brought me to the edge. I only lasted a few more deep strokes before I sighed his name in my climax, clenching around him and trembling.

He continued to thrust into me, bringing himself along. "I love you, honey. God, you-ugh-feel so good…" With that he groaned into my neck, his teeth finding my skin as his own orgasm hit.

We remained in that position for the following few minutes, riding out the waves of pleasure and catching our breath. Jake moved first to sit back. He kissed my lips slowly, sighing into my mouth.

"You're so goddamn addictive," he grinned, causing me to blush. He slid off of the couch, discarding the condom and pulling on his boxers. He offered me my underwear with a crooked and clearly satiated smile before he tossed off his shirt.

A line of sweat had built on both of our bodies. I was so flushed.

I pulled on the article of clothing, feeling no need to cover myself up any further. I rested back on the couch, throwing my arms above my head as I watched Jake sit down at my feet.

The atmosphere wilted under a sudden tension.

Something in Jake's eyes changed, like an on and off switch of emotion. He looked at me sadly before moving to rebury his face in my neck, his hands at my hips. "Christ, Bella…"

His tone hit me like a slap in the face. _Why does he sound so broken_?

I nudged him with an elbow, trying to push him off of me so I could see his face. He sat up and I followed, taking his hand. "Jake? What…what's wrong?"

He sucked his lower lip into his mouth, not meeting my questioning eyes. The tightened look on his face crushed my heart, and I found myself wondering what I did to make him look so crumpled after we had just made love.

Finally he turned to face me, his mouth splitting into a grim line. "I spent two of your birthdays thinking you were dead, Bella," he reminded me harshly. "Fuck," he whispered, burying his face in his hands.

My heart sank.

I was still staring at him with wide eyes and parted lips when he spoke next. "This…this all just feels so goddamn unreal, you know? Having you here with me, as mine…when for two long years I thought I had lost you. Can you understand how I'm feeling right now?"

A part of me wanted to snap at him, remind him that he wasn't the only one grieving for those two years. But I could understand what he was saying, about the surrealism…and I knew he wasn't telling me this for an already issued apology, or an explanation, or a comforting hand…but for reassurance.

I crawled closer, kneeling beside him and forcing his hands away from concealing his face.

I found his eyes, locking them in a hold the way he so routinely does to mine. I took one of his hands, holding it to cup my cheek in an effort for him to _feel_ me. "Hey. I'm _here_ now…with you. So…let's just focus on that, okay? This is all that matters. I'm here. We can't keep dwelling on the past."

Jake had practically said those words himself the night we had our first argument, further spurring my reaction of letting go of Edward and the Cullens to result in putting that part of my life behind me. Behind _us_.

Something so grave would only continue to beat us down if we let it.

My assurances didn't seem to sway him. The pain was still there, written in his eyes.

"Can you just be kissing me right now?" I whispered helplessly and resumed my position in his lap, taking his face in my hands and showing him my need for his touch.

Jake's delayed response was that of my request after his submission. Neither of us moved to initiate the soft and tranquil kiss into something rougher. We just _kissed_; our tongues and lips never growing tired.

Through his lips, I felt Jacob become more relaxed and grounded. And when his hands finally sought for me, I broke away for air and rested my forehead on his.

And idea was developing in my mind. I nudged his nose with mine. "Where are the letters?"

His hands were at my thighs, transfixed by caressing the bare and pale skin with his thick fingers. "Hmmm?"

"My letters," I repeated. "Where are they?"

"In my room—" he caught my wrist as I stood from the couch. "Wait, why?"

"I think we should get rid of them."

"What?"

"We should get rid of them. Throw them away, burn them. I don't care. But," I shifted apprehensively on my feet, "I want to put all of this behind us, Jacob. And move on. We deserve to." I bit my lower lip. "You know…out with the old, in with the new?"

Jacob continued to stare at me.

"I mean, that's why I said goodbye to Edward—" Jake flinched, "—and the Cullens. I thought that was what you wanted from me…for us…" I lowered my gaze to the ground at my rambles, feeling small in my decision under his scrutinizing eyes.

He stood immediately, his warm hands gripping on my shoulders. "You really want to get rid of them?"

"Why keep them around?" They were just another reminder, adding substance to what we were trying to run away from.

With a nudge to my chin by his thumb, I found Jake's soft smile which curved upwards to his eyes. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes. Okay," he chuckled gently in understanding, kissing my chin then lips. "Be right back, honey. Stay here."

Jake turned and jogged up the stairs. My eyes followed his silhouette until it disappeared along with the lights. Why did the subject of the letters always leave me so nervous? To the butterflies flapping like sparrows in my stomach, I shook my hands out at my sides and let out a breath of air to unwind.

With the emptiness surrounding me, I began to wonder if it would even make a significant difference if the letters, like everything else, were let go of…and in this case, destroyed. The answer came quickly; no. Shoving them inside in a trash bin wouldn't make us forget a two year devastation, but the act of mentally _letting go_ of them might help with the whole 'one foot in front of the other' thing.

Yet, of course, the memories would always be there. And as tonight proved, with both mine and Jacob's heartaches, those memories were still present in our thoughts.

Seconds strolled on like hovering minutes until Jake was back at my side, lacing our fingers together and guiding me further into the wide living room. He stopped us in front of the fire place and pushed aside the barrier to the pit filled with logs of wood. With a flick of a switch, a fire was ignited and crackled to life.

_Burning them, it is._

I looked to Jake who handed me one of the eleven letters tucked under of his arms. I could feel his eyes on my face, watching my expression and reaction closely. My attention was elsewhere. I flipped over the envelope and traced my finger along the penmanship of Jake's written full name, my eyes following the path. My heart questioned what was written inside this single letter, what mysteries of my mind lay within.

There was a moment of contemplation tainted with curiosity within me. Should I read the letters one last time? Would it help stabilize me? Or were some things meant to be left behind on paper? I studied the envelope once more, allowing whatever memories to rush back at me without divulging into something that I had meant to leave forgotten.

One by one the letters were dropped by mastery of my hand and into the flames to burn, emitting a strong odor of burnt parchment.

"There…" I whispered in a sigh when the final one had been consumed.

Jacob gave me his most proud smile and held me close, lending me his support. From his chest, I kept my eyes focused on the eleven solitary cackles in the fire to make sure one hadn't escaped. What I felt wasn't regret…but peace of mind, and maybe even a touch of satisfaction.

When my body slumped tiredly, Jake led us to the one couch directly in front of fire and lowered himself to the ground, using the furniture to the lean back on. I followed his hint and sat between his legs to rest my back on his bare chest. Both of his hands came up to stroke my legs and pull me closer. Patterns by the artistry of his fingertips were being woven along my thighs.

We both let out content hums.

My head lolled back to rest on his shoulder as my eyes closed. I stretched my legs out—which still weren't nearly as long as Jake's, even in his position—so that my toes could meet the heat of the fire. The warmth hugged at me from all angles, reminding me why I coveted for it so much in the first place. It _filled_ me; worked its way through my pores and inside of me, much in the way Jacob does.

"Sorry for freaking out earlier," Jake mumbled above the hiss of the fire and into the side of my head.

"I had my own freak out, too," I reminded him quietly in recollection of where and _what_ my mind wandered off to after being served the banana cream pie.

His laughter blew at the strands of hair at my neck. "What a pair we make."

A nod of my head displayed my agreement. How was it that all of our faults and personable traits leveled out, and that, for whatever reason, we _were_ quite the pair?

'Perfect' wasn't in my vocabulary, but together, we were just…ideal. Especially during moments like these.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the best friend I've ever had."

Both of his arms wrapped around my torso, snaking me even closer into the puzzle-piece envelop of his body. "You are too, honey."

"And Jake?"

"Hmm?" His breathed sigh at my neck created a wake of chills.

I lifted one of his hands to my lips, the bumps of his calloused knuckles each receiving the lightest brush of a kiss.

"No more living in the past, okay?"

* * *

.

_December 24__th_

_._

"Yours looks like…" I tilted my head in consideration, "…a snow _hulk_. _You_ should not be allowed to make snow angels if they turn out looking like huge blobs. It's melting too, you big space heater."

Two images, which I was now standing to inspect, were compacted onto the late winter's snowfall covering the front lawn. One was of a perfect and small snow angel—mine of course—and the other, a tall and large blob whose wings had melted into the legs so that the 'snow angel' appeared with rounded sides, a straight line for the legs, and a shape of a head poking out on top, belonged to Jake.

There was a loud rumbling coming from Jacob…who was _laughing_, at _my_ joke. I grinned cheekily, feeling triumphant over getting him to chuckle at me like that.

"Really, Bells? It can't be that bad."

"It's giant! No snow angel should look that scary."

"Sure, sure. My bad, honey."

"It's okay. But I think you outgrew the stage of making snow angels when you turned into a werewolf. Now, warm me up," I requested with open arms to welcome his embrace.

With no further prodding, Jake—still chuckling—stepped forward and drew me into his chest, his hands and arms rubbing at my back for friction. My shivers disappeared into a sigh. Snowflakes continued to fall slowly.

"Your nose is pink," he observed.

"That's because I'm cold, silly. I just sat in a pile of snow in thirty degree weather."

"It's cute," Jake murmured with a smile, gently nudging the tip of his own nose against mine to chase away the freeze. His lips helped with the effort.

Slyly, I snuck my cold and numb fingers up the back of Jake's shirt to seek relief. His skin twitched at the shock.

"Let's get you inside, freezy, before I'm forced to get you naked and de-thaw you…"

Stubbornly, I pursed my lips together so that the fighting, mischievous smirk and giggle would remain hidden. The gleam in Jake's eyes told me he saw it…or at least knew what I was thinking. I snatched his hand and dragged him indoors to shut him up.

_Inside_ smelt like peppermint, warmth, and braised turkey.

"Maybe I wouldn't need de-thawing if you hadn't tackled me into the snow when I came outside to greet you," I muttered as I shrugged out of my wet jacket and scarf, stuffing them both in Charlie's hallway closet along with my boots. The late winter's snowfall had been nonstop over the past few days.

"Awe c'mon, Bells. It's just a little snow, honey."

"Sure, sure. Maybe for you. Do you want some hot chocolate? I'm freezing." My shivers returned the moment I entered the kitchen to start boiling water.

I felt Jake's heat at my back before his arms were around my waist. "I already told you I'd warm you up…"

"Renee and Phil are upstairs unpacking, Jake. _And _Charlie's around here somewhere."

He sighed, letting go of his hold but staying at my side. "How come you never told me about Charlie and Ali?"

"That's because I didn't _know_ about it."

I was equally as stunned as everyone else.

* * *

The whole pack and the few families in on the secret had gathered earlier at Ali's house that evening for a Christmas Eve dinner before we all went our separate ways for the holiday.

Midway through the feast when the rush to eat had died down, a slightly buzzed Charlie stood from his chair with his drink in hand. "Ali and I have some news we'd like to share with you all."

Vanessa and I shared a look of confusion. Charlie hadn't mentioned anything to me about 'news'.

"We've planned our wedding for next summer. June 17th! The date is set!" Ali erupted boisterously, jumping out of her seat.

The shocked silence was followed by cheering and the typical congratulations.

A toast was then made.

"To family," Charlie raised his cup, his eyes set in my direction. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

"So… A summer wedding, dad? I'm happy for you."

"Yep, it's what Ali wants. Looks like you and me both are getting our happy endings, kid."

On a later note he added: "It's great to have you back."

* * *

Things were falling into place all around us.

Enough time had passed for resentment to unfold, and at some point within the last three months of that time, I was accepted into the pack. Whether that acceptance be from Jacob's command or their own welcoming arms, I wasn't sure. But it was a gradual process that took _time_ to finally surrender.

There was no more awkwardness, rude stares, or uncomfortable tensions. Minus an apology, Paul had never said much else to me in regards to the comment he made about my danger magnet attraction. I had originally hoped that by saying goodbye to Edward would prove to the pack that the Cullens wouldn't be coming around on my behalf in the future and it would then sedate his worries, as well as anyone else's.

My loyalty seemed to have worked, because I've never felt so at home.

* * *

"When did Renee and Phil get in?" Jake's question sucked me from my thoughts.

"Umm...about an hour ago." Charlie and I had left the dinner at Ali's early to head up to the Port Angeles airport. I had every intention of seeing my mother for Christmas; it wouldn't have felt complete without her. And although I promised to come visit her, the holiday also wouldn't have felt complete without Jake or Charlie.

A settlement was agreed upon for her and Phil to visit the snowy Pacific Northwest for five days.

"Head on into the living room…I'll be there in a few minutes." I stood on my tiptoes to place a kiss to his cheek.

Balancing two mugs filled to the brim with hot coco and mini-marshmallows five minutes later, I padded my way into the family room at a snail's pace to not burn my skin from the overflowing liquid. Jacob was sitting on the floor by the lit Christmas tree Charlie and I had assembled earlier in the week, a small gift in his hands.

Because we'd both be so busy with our families Christmas day, we'd exchange our gifts tonight. The gift I had for Jacob made me a bit queasy. I was petrified over his reaction. Or paranoid. I couldn't tell. Either he'd like it…or _pretend to _like it.

I sat in front of him, both our legs crossed so that our knees were touching. I set the mugs aside. "You go first." My courage was shot.

"Alright. The first present I can't give you right now. I'll have it paid for; we just have to plan it out," Jake explained.

"'Kay. What is it?"

"A trip."

"A trip?"

His head nodded. "We can go away together, take a vacation. Be with each other. No distractions."

"Where?"

"Where ever you want."

_Any where I want_? Where _didn't_ I want to go? "How about…someplace warm?" _Warm is always good_…

"Okay," his lips twitched into a smile. "Someplace warm. Check."

"And someplace with good food. We'll have to keep you fed."

"Good food. Check."

"Somewhere with a beach, too."

"Warmth, good food, a beach…I think we have our answer."

"Hawaii?"

"Hawaii."

A noise resembling a squeal broke from me. I threw my arms around Jake, bringing his mouth to mine, the smile never breaking from my face.

"We're going to Hawaii?" I repeated, completely dismayed.

"If that's where you want to go."

"Yes! When?" I squeaked. God, I sounded like such a kid.

"Whenever we want, honey," he chuckled. "We'll make plans later, okay?" The small gift in his hands was transferred to mine. "And here…I made this for you awhile back. I added something new to it recently. Merry Christmas."

I quirked an eyebrow, peeled away the snowman wrapping paper—Sue must have helped him with that—and clicked open the box. The Christmas lights from the tree reflected off of the metal laid within. My eyes took in the bracelet, following the winding chain until I noticed the two wooden carvings of a wolf and a heart dangling at each end.

To observe the two crafts more carefully, I lifted the item with a finger in front of my eyes. "You…made this, Jacob?"

He nodded. I didn't see it because my eyes were set on the piece of jewelry. The question was kind of silly, because he had just told me he, himself, had made it.

My breath hitched at the russet coloring. "It's perfect. It's _beautiful._ Put it on me." I extended my left wrist and watched him lock it onto place.

"Okay. I want my gift now, Bells."

I caught his face in my hands and kissed him sweetly first. "Thank you for both those gifts, Jake. You're too good to me."

"You're welcome."

I fumbled with the envelope I plucked from under the tree. "Here," I breathed anxiously.

"Another letter?"

"No. Just…read what's inside."

He did. And for fifty three seconds he did nothing but scan the sheet of paper over and over. I had to set my drink down because my hands were trembling with rotten anticipation.

"Bella…" Jake looked at me with such drastic shock, the smile on his face having fallen along with my stomach to ground. I was so sickly nervous over his reaction. He whispered out the next words, "…how did you pay for this, honey?"

Of _course_ he would ask that question first. "Right, well, um, you see…ever since that day we went down to paint your house and you told me Billy was selling it now that he lives with Sue, I started wishing there was some way you guys didn't have to get rid of it because I know how important it is to you. But, of course, it's not like I could buy it… I didn't have the money," I swallowed back the cotton mouth, using the pause to allow myself time to figure out how to phrase these next words.

"So, um, these past few months I've been thinking about it a lot, wishing there was something I could do since it was still on the market. And then one day three weeks ago the exact amount of money to pay off the house was transferred into my bank account…and-and I knew it was from the Cullens because Alice told me awhile back that they would pay for 'it', and I didn't know what 'it' was until now and…and…" I choked back the rest of my rambles.

"I never could have accepted their money. That must be why Alice transferred it into my bank account…so I couldn't get rid of it and I would be forced to buy the house because I would never spend the money on anything else. And I know that they're your enemies and you hate them and you can maybe never accept this…but…but you can sign the house in your name and do whatever you want with it. You could sell it if you still want to…or use the money for something else…like to rebuild that old church out there, or all the other old buildings out on the reservation…or for Billy's medical care…"

I watched Jake's face in silence as he processed the information. His eyes remained focused on the piece of paper in his hands.

"…do you hate it? I'm sorry if you do…"

"No, no of course not, Bells. It means a lot…that you wanted to do this for me." The crooked smile on his face returned, voicing his silent elatedness. His next move helped calm the second guessing voice in my head. He pulled me into his lap, cupped my face, and kissed my lips, cheeks, chin, nose, forehead…

"Bells…you amazing, beautiful, _brilliant_ woman…I love you so goddamn much," he mumbled when realization of my actions hit him. He fell onto his back, bringing me with him.

I giggled as he continued to kiss my face. "So you like it?"

"I love it, baby. That place is my home, it's the only part of my mom I have left. God…I'm gonna rebuild it, refurnish it, re…everything it! I'll have so much time to work on it… Then you and me can live there, have our own family…"

"What do you mean you'll have a lot of time to work on it?" For some reason _that_ was the part of the conversation I found myself taken back by instead of his implied 'family'.

Jacob sat up, keeping me in his arms as a more serious look fell over his face. "Well…I've been thinking about some things for awhile now, Bells. And…I've decided to give up phasing at the end of the year with Jared, Leah, and Paul. Embry's gonna take over for me. This just seems like…the perfect time to, you know?"

"Are you sure?"

"A hundred percent. It's my turn to let go of something for us."

I kissed his lips to show my own support of his decision.

It seemed good—healthy for us, even—to let go of the supernatural world, too.

"Rebuilding the house will be a good distraction. Sam says the first year is hard on our bodies physically. Usually it takes 'bout two years until the urge is gone. And once that's gone, so is the wolf."

"That's great, Jake. I'm happy for you," I whispered honestly.

"Hey you two," Renee poked her head into the living room. "We're gonna pop in a Christmas movie here before Phil passes out from jetlag. You want to stick around for two hours of Jim Carrey dressed as the Grinch, Jake?"

"Sure, sure," he chuckled. "I can stay a bit longer. My dad and Sue won't mind."

Renee beamed and turned back into the kitchen. Charlie and Phil sauntered towards the couch.

"I can't wait," Jake whispered as he turned his attention back to me. The love in his eyes was so kind and warming, and I was unable to resist running my hand through his hair and stroking my fingers across his cheek.

"For what?"

"Life. With you."

_Life._

After losing hope for so long, I felt invincible.

* * *

_A/N: There are a lot of reasons as to why I chose to write in certain parts of this story, i.e. Jake's addiction, Vanessa/Jake imprint scenario, the letters, etc. Yes, they structured the plot, but they also have more meaning than the simplicity of the problem. If anyone is baffled as to why I chose those things to incorporate into the story, than I can answer your questions or even post maybe another longer author's note with anything that might be unclear? A lot of the story has underlying themes, too, that some of you picked up on in reviews; insecurity, forgiveness, family, acceptance, all things that are dealt with in real life. This story wasn't about supernatural elements and those effects on Bella and Jacob, but more about their own problems as humans._

_I'm really, truly, grateful to my readers and reviewers. I feel like I've gotten to know a lot of you personally and that is just amazing (: So thank you guys so much for sticking with me on this wild ride! _

_I don't think I'll be able to quite give up writing Jacob and Bella. I have some plans for oneshots and drabbles, but never anything as long as this. So…if you'd at all be interested in reading anymore of my work, than put me on author alert 'cause I promise some more J/B fluff/angst/love and who knows what else in the future! :P_

_No epilogue will be included in this story ******_

_-Mae_


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